I'm kind of afraid that one day I'll wake up and my father will be dead.

[Paradoxical]

And I'll realize that I made a mistake. That giving up on him was the greatest fuck up of my entire life.

To what extent does a father deserve the love of his son? Is it unconditional?

At what point am I justified in writing him off as nothing more a washed up old man?

We were inseparable until I was around the age of 10. My parents got divorced. And I began to see his true colors. He was and still is an emotionally manipulative asshole. He cheated on my mother and has cheated on his other past wives. He left a girl-friend because she was diagnosed with cancer. He buys your love.

He once confessed to me that he would love nothing more than to murder my mother and stepfather. He told that to his teenage son.

He's been a jew, born again christian, catholic and mormon. He does whatever people want him to do. He is whatever you want him to be. Changing shades in order to blend in; keeping his followers happy.

But in the end, I find that he isn't anyone at all. He's spent so much time being someone else that I have no idea who he really is. I don't even know if there is anything underneath all his masks. Maybe it's an infinite loop.

He sends me text messages several times a week begging me to talk to him. But how can you have a relationship with someone who has spent his entire life acting? How am I suppose to love someone I've never met?

I really wish I had answers. Because the questions torment me day in and day out.