Reply #233: Power differential

[jobycom]

As a man you don't belong to a group that makes 60% less than the opposite gender for the same work. You don't belong to a group that is told you have to be subordinate to your spouse, you don't belong to a group where violent crimes are perpetrated on you simply because of your good looks, you aren't held back from promotions because of your gender because people are afraid you'll get pregnant and leave or because you turn down too many advances or conversely accept too many advances.

When you make a woman's looks an issue in a situation where they are not supposed to be an issue, for instance on sorryeverybody.com where the political message is supposed to be the issue, then you switch the focus from her contributions to her looks, and all of the above issues-- all at least partially related to men treating women as sex objects rather than as people-- come into play. It may be harmless the time you do it. But the overall weight of that attitude towards women in society is what causess the problem.

Of course, use judgement. I've told female coworkers I liked their new hairstyle, or a handbag or outfit they were wearing, usually when it was obvious they were proud of it. And always in a context where it was obvious I was complimenting their choice or their taste, not their looks. And always in a situation where I could compliment a man and not feel awkward. "Cool tie, Scott." "Love the haircut, Julia." But never in a way that I couldn't compliment a man. "Wow, you look hot in that little skirt, Cheryl," would be out of line. Basically, if you wouldn't say it to a man, you shouldn't say it to a woman in the same circumstances.

In a social situation where such interaction is expected, it's a different story. If you go too far in that situation, a woman can tell you to shove off with worrying about hurting her career or family or reputation.