Reply #31: Thanks for your kind words!

[calimary]

It gave me a keen insight into human foibles and how they play out in words and deeds, that's for sure. Emotional collateral damage, I suppose. But it did leave me always with an instinct to look beneath the surface to figure out WHY somebody does what he/she does, especially when what they're doing is rawther fucked. It helped me understand my mother more, when I was able to get away from just being pissed at her relentless verbal abuse - GOD she said things to hurt - deliberately to hurt and inflict pain. She had no other way to lash out, and she went through life with this attitude that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, SOMEHOW, simply MUST be punished for this. Whatever that "this" was. She'd been terribly hurt and betrayed and humiliated in front of everyone we knew. SOMEONE had to be punished. SOMEONE had to be forced to pay for it all. Unfortunately, that someone was always me.

Honestly, I'm not sure at this late date which I hated more - what he did or what she did in response. Sometimes it's hard to pinpoint which was worse. My dad didn't do that TO ME. Probably didn't even do it TO my mom, at least not consciously, mainly because he was insensitive to that kind of thing, probably didn't even think about it. He just always followed his dick to the pretty girls, as though it were some sort of divining rod. My mom, on the other hand, DID do her shit directly TO me. But I don't think she even was aware that this was happening. She didn't stop to think or analyze what impact her actions and reactions had. She was rather self-absorbed, too involved in how his actions impacted her. As though she had blinders on. It was always all about her. Probably because she was so attention-starved and affection-starved, so she filled in her own blanks.

It was a real nut-house I came from, lemme tellya. Undoubtedly explains why I'm so bent, myself.