Reply #58: My views....

[Meldread]

I didn't read all the posts in this thread, although I read enough to get the general idea of where it was heading. I'm not going to make the attempt to speak for anyone else, only myself.

I grew up in an extremely conservative small town. You can't throw a rock in the town without it hitting a Church. Just about every last one of them are anti-gay, and should you be openly gay while attending you would most likely either be asked to leave, or be extremely disliked within the Church. (I could easily see parents telling the Pastor, "Either he goes, or I go, because I don't want my children around him.")

Needless to say this has resulted in me having a very negative outlook on Christianity as a whole. It's been used as a weapon against me since my early childhood just as it has been used against us all. It created an atmosphere of fear, intolerance and isolation. I went through a rather long period in my life where I simply reviled the religion entirely. The very thought of a Christian... well let's just say Hitler's actions would have been mild compared to what I wanted to see the Christians suffer through. Abu Grab would have been made to look like Disney Land. Both Falwell's Church and Robertson's TV Studio are just located hours away from where I live.

I became angry and disgruntled. I loathed them for all that they had done, all the pain, suffering, and torment they put me through as a child. I wanted to see them suffer as I suffered. I wanted revenge. I was blind to the fact that not everyone was like them, it was hard for me to even conceive such a notion... but in time I realized that those who were bigots did not speak for all Christians.

It took me some time to realize all of this, and realize that my anger and hatred were only hurting me even though it was directed at them. I've been able to let much of it go, but even to this day I refuse to call myself a 'Christian'. The words when they come out of my mouth sound wrong and make me feel filthy and dirty. In truth I no longer even hate them -- I pity them. They make me angry at times, but I pity them because of the hatred that they must carry in their hearts. It is a burden to carry it around all the time. It weights you down and eats away at you. They live lives of ignorance and hate and they reject good people.

I know many of my friends are extremely anti-Christian as I once was (and will freely and happily admit it). I struggle still to this day to not paint them all with a broad brush. It is inevitable that the people that they wish to oppress and condemn will dislike and hate them. It shouldn't be shocking, and they most certainly bring it on themselves. Although I believe everyone could always benefit from a re-assessment of their beliefs and how they treat other people.

When ever I think about this I am always reminded of a quote by Frederick Nietzsche, the German philosopher: "Whomever goes to fight monsters should take care not to become a monster himself. And when you stare too long into the abyss, the abyss stares back into you."

I have little doubt that many of these people such as Phelps, Robertson, and Falwell could easily classify as monsters. The quote above is entirely true, at least in my case. I became no better than they were, perhaps even worse than Phelps, all the while thinking that I was just and right. I was too blinded by anger, hatred, and pain to see that my actions were hurting those who did not deserve to be hurt. I may not agree with what many of them believe, but I do not have the right to wish the things on them that I wished on them. It is an obligation, however, that I must stand and fight against them because I do believe that they are wrong. I have lived through the pain and torment that they cause, and to be just and right I must strive to do my best to prevent it and help those who have been inflicted by it. This makes me a better person than them, and it is my hope that others who have not been totally consumed by their doctrine of hate will see this and be free from it.