Need help with my kid ...is it ADD or PTSD or WTF? (long)

[FirstLight]

My youngest is a real handful. I love his enthusiasm and personality, most of the time. I jokingly say he should be a lawyer when he grows up because he can argue you to the point of exhaustion and then make you give up just to shut him up...

When I was pregnant with him was the worst part of my abuse from the ex. I wonder if that screwed up his chemistry somehow, because he seems to thrive on conflict...
This morning we had an outburst that lasted for OVER and hour, with peaks and valleys, everytime you thought it was over, somebody or something would set him off again. I try to be as patient and yet firm as i can. he needs to just stop telling me how to parent and just do what he is told sometimes, because every minute he is telling you how YOU made him upset, instead if just dealing with his overwhelmedness... and then i lose my cool and i know it gets worse from there...
we have had countless talks afterwards and he knows he goes over the edge with his feelings, he just cant control it and yet he also ends up blaming everyone in his path and making it everyone's problem. I have been dealing with this personality since he was an infant, and i am not exaggerating.

When he was born, it was not colic that he had, he would cry incessantly...usually when joe walked thru the door and he heard his voice, and then i'd get tense because joe would tell em to shut him up, and that would feed on itself. I wanted to throw him out the window a few times, and then i'd feel horrible for being so on edge, so that didn't help. As a toddler, he would 'fixate' on something he wanted and just repeat it over & over in a tantrum, and totally 'check out' and you could NOT console him or stop him. When he goes into that mode, he is 'not there'...as he got older, it became sentences...but the repetition would continue. and now it is the way he argues about the why and how he is upset, over and over, and there is no rationalizing with him in that state.
I have asked for autism-spectrum testing. I have tried to get in to the county mental health counselors, but i guess they got laid off and such...and there is also this fear in me that he's going to tell them, and "mommy put her hand over my mouth and hurt me" and then i'll get called by CPS. Not only that, but when he is in that state, and i try to hold him by the shoulders or hold his legs to get him to look at me, he ends up saying things like, and "then you threw me into the wall."..when nothing of the sort happened. So i am terrified he will tell the counselor that and it will lead to real awfulness with the state.
i had him on add meds for a year, byut he just got so skinny, and i was worried about him being on speed, basically...so i ended it last summer. i figured since he was older we could have more talks and work on it together. but this school year is not helping, he is in the hardest grade for little ones, 3rd...when they transition to way more responsibility. He often gets overwhelmed and can;t finish something, and will lose recesses, that adds more stress for him and it just snowballs from there...

I called my pediatrician again...mostly out of desperation. Maybe there's some other method we haven;t explored, or a food allergy, or hypoglycemia...who the fuck knows. Amazingly, the receptionist/assistant that i know well answered the phone and i started to cry...
She has done the same meditation classes as I have and also had a son with some issues. She had me hold and then gave me a good talking to. Comforting me, grounding me, and reminding me it isn;t bad to want to help our kids with coping. She has a sister-in-law that sells essential oils and is going to hook me up. She has been using Vetiver oil on her son's feet and got him off ALL meds (he even had one med that gave him a tic)...so there is hope i hope. (I just sent her a message on FB)

Just had ti get this all out of me this morning, and I'll be happy when this thread dies and falls to the bottom of the page. i have to get things handled, in the meantime I am trying not to yell and make myself bleed since I am still healing from my surgery. I am keeping him home today to just work on his overdue HW (stuff he was supposed to have done last week at my mom's, and she didn't check to make sure and he pulls it out this morning, ya, that was part of the meltdown too...)
We calmed down enough to 'talk' and i told him i really don;t want to hear him anymore right now. he is in his room, with his pages, no electronics, but he can work on the pages and play with legoes intermittedly today...i will bring him food and such, and he will spend the day being "calm"...and not bugging me, yea, i said it.

thanks for letting me vent, thanks for any healing or grounding you can send. Thanks for being my spirit family and loving me anyway. :/