I need an outside perspective on an issue I'm having.

[varkam]

I apologize in advance, because this is going to be a long one.

I just graduated from the University of Kentucky with my BA after four years, and will be going to Eastern Kentucky University in the fall to pursue my MS. Sounds all well and good, right? It should be, but somehow it isn't.

I am a student of psychology. I love it. It's my baby. If, for some completely absurd reason, I couldn't study psychology then I don't know what I would do with the rest of my life. I've studied it since my junior year of high school and immediately declared it as a major my freshman year of college without ever having any doubts whatsoever since then. I say all this to let you know that the problem that I'm having isn't about having second thoughts about my course of study.

It's not about graduate school either. This is what I want. This is what I've wanted for the past three years. The three weeks I waited to hear back on my applications were some of the longest of my life. I spent entirely too much time and money on the process, and other areas of my life suffered for it. That was fine with me. In all honesty, I'm not sure I can hack it in graduate school. It's not my motivation that I question, but my abilities. But I digress...

I think it might have something to do with the MS, and the school. I always used to hate those stuffy intellectuals who were hung up on where you went to school and what degrees you have - I think I'm turning into one. My father has always tried to instill in my a respect for education and knowledge. For that I am very grateful. He has also always told me that, should I go to graduate school, I need to get my PhD - as it is getting harder and harder to cut it with a MS. Maybe it's that. Maybe it's that the V+Q requirement on the GRE to get into EKU is 750 (which, for those who don't know, is fairly low). Maybe it's that the program at EKU, while superior in clinical training, is not an empirically rigorous research program (and PhD programs poo-poo it for that reason).

Another possibility is this: I just made the wrong choice, and somewhere deep down, I know it. I could have gone to the University of Alabama at Tuscaloosa for my PhD in clinical psych. They have an excellent program and campus there, all the professors and graduate students are friendly and get along, and I was extended an offer. Out of the seven schools I applied to, UAT and EKU were the only two to extend offers. Seems pretty simple, right? PhD program makes you an offer, you take it over the MS program. Well, that's what I would've thought to. I turned them down because the offer that was extended was to work with a different professor who, to make a long story short, was doing research I was not even remotely interested in. I didn't want to take the offer, found out I hated what I was doing, then wash out. I could only imagine how difficult it would be to get into another program after that. The problem, however, is that in turning UAT down, I think I burned bridges with the professor I really wanted to work with. He told me that I shouldn't go to EKU, that I should wait and reapply.

I had so many choices to make. Go to UAT and do research I hate anyway? Was it a funding issue? Was that why I was rejected? Take a year off and reapply? What if I don't get in at that point? The next year? Go to EKU? Poo-poo. What if I can't get into a PhD program when I'm done? What if I can't find a job? etc. etc.

I would've liked to have taken a year off, I think. Unfortunately, I had already accepted EKUs offer by the time I heard from UAT - the reason why is fairly long, but I'll just say that I didn't want to burn bridges at EKU either in case I didn't get into UAT.

So here I am now. I'm registered for classes at EKU. I'm looking at buying books (850 dollars for one semester?!). And I'm constantly second guessing myself. I'm alternating between facing a less desirable future with optimism and hating myself. Everyone I talked to said I should go with UAT. All my professors. My friends. My parents. Everyone. And if the past me would have known that the future me was going to turn down an offer from a PhD program for a MS program, the past me would have beaten the shit out of the future me. Maybe it's the sheer irony that's getting to me. Maybe I'm just not cutting myself enough slack.

I don't mean to be pedantic here. I don't mean to try and grab attention by saying "Look at me! I'm going to graduate school!". I'm not looking for a pat on the head. I really don't know what the correct perspective is to take here, and it's starting to get to me. Should I rightfully be kicking myself? Should I be grateful I got in somewhere? Am I going to die poor and alone? Am I just being silly?

Parts of my want to think I am. The whole reason I got into psychology in the first place was to try to help people. Period. I wanted to be able to work the magic that so many before me have - to be able to reach inside the psyche of someone who is suffering and alleviate it. People who were able to do that, to me, seemed incredible - like "You didn't even lay a hand on them, and you made them feel better!" EKU will be able to train me how to do that (although training only goes so far), so shouldn't I just be happy?

And on a related note: I'm going to have "clients" in the fall! Jesus H. Tapdancing Christ! People are going to entrust their mental health to me!? That is truly a terrifying thought.