Well silly me went and made myself sick again

[TZ]

I really hate having emotions sometimes. They can make you feel great sometimes but they can also make you feel lousy and in my case make me physically ill.
Professionally things are going well my new job seems good although I get to start actually training in the lab this week so I hope I don't take too long to learn, cause thats gonna be stressful.
Let me say, my personal life could be better although I seem to be in a trap of my own making.
Short explanation of a really long story is I have really strong feelings for someone who while friendly and supportive does not at all return the feelings. There are some other complications that I won't go into here but I recently went through an extended period where I had little contact with this person. I have heard a little indirectly from this person. They are pretty busy and I understand and respect that but considering how much I ache just to be able to chat directly with this person its stressing me to some extent. There is a part of me that fears (since this person knows exactly how I feel) that there is an avoidance issue as in "I am not comfortable with your emotions but I will still support you indirectly". I don't know, I am probably being paranoid. Oddly, I still believe that I wouldn't change how I feel about this person necessarily or totally avoid him if I could (I realize I have never felt for anyone before like this, its been interesting learning about myself in someways)
Anyway, the worst has happened and I have had a physical relapse to the weird sickness that prevented me from working from two months: nausea vomiting fatigue, side pain, lack of appetite some other GI problems. Some of this is probably tied in with PMS and that time of month I am sure but its kind of scary really. I can't afford to be sick now. I am sure my worrying over my feelings (and perhaps the subconcious fear of failing at my new job) is doing it. I slept a good deal of the afternoon.
I just really needed to tell someone really. Venting helps, to some extent.
Back to sleep for me I think. I really need to try to pull myself together before Monday. Thanks for listening and or reading.