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JeffR
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Sat Jul-14-07 06:36 PM Original message |
| ***DUzy Awards for week ending July 13, 2007. PART I*** |
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Edited on Sat Jul-14-07 06:47 PM by JeffR
 Welcome to Part I of the DUzy Awards, honoring pointed persiflage, perfect parody and pulchritudinous pokes from this week on DU. Congratulations to this week's winners! Watch for Part II of this week's awards tomorrow.The mule-drawn DUzies will be announced every Friday, except when I'm drowning in PMs like this week. Previous awards can be found in my journal. Note to Mods: Skinner has authorized the DUzy Awards to be posted in GD. Rest in peace, Claudia Alta Taylor Johnson. This bird has flown. On a thread by Husb2Sparkly: Myron Ebell - American Competitiveness Institute - sez Gore's full of shit response #1 by Greeby: This guy's mouth spews so much shit he could fertilise the Sinai nt response #8 by ripple: Perhaps Mr. Ebell should regulate his own emissions n/t On a thread by illinoisprogressive: The Clinton-Did-It Flimflam "Rather than address the most weighty criticism of President Bush's decision to commute former vice presidential chief of staff Scooter Libby's prison sentence -- that it was part and parcel of a longtime cover-up of White House misdeeds -- press secretary Tony Snow lashed out at former President Bill Clinton and his would-be president wife for actions that date back more than six years..." response #2 by merh: Clenis Envy .... it's something even viagra can't help them rise above. :crazy: response #7 by TahitiNut: Somehow, I don't think "Oswald did it" or "Booth did it" would get as much mileage. :think: On a thread by Purveyor: Sen. Graham Returns From Iraq With Renewed Hopes response #10 by Fridays Child: Known as the Rural Indiana Farmers' Market Effect, GOP members of Congress... ...have been returning from Iraq convinced the country is so uplifted by American occupation that daisies are literally sprouting in the streets. With the exception of Joe Lieberman, this condition is not known to affect non-Republicans. "It's just nothing short of fabulous over there," exclaims Lindsey Graham. "I don't know why we would ever want to pull out," adds John McCain. response #26 by emilyg: It's the late hour I read it as Returns with Renewed Herpes sorry On a thread by Robbien: This is bad news, the FTC has shut down Net Neutrality response #31 by progressoid: As soon as porn starts to download slowly, republicans will act. response #32 by jgraz: Only if it's kiddie porn And I'm sure most of them have that hand-delivered. response #35 by edwardsguy: Which part of that porn experience is "Hand" Delivered? :hide: response #17 by Canuckistanian: She was probably selling the brown acid n/t On a thread by SaveElmer: Look at this picture of Babe Ruth before the Hot Dogs and Beer... response #1 by seemunkee: OK, I looked at it... can I have my hot dogs and beer now? On a thread by charlyvi: Is Bush really that stupid or am I missing something? response #1 by wienerdoggie: You're giving him too much credit. He's simply reading what was written on the paper. His staff has to be very careful not to leave notes or corrections in the margins, or use letterhead stationery, or he'd read that, too. response #3 by TwoSparkles: Steady...steady... ...Ya gotta be careful there--when you're trying to make sense of Junior's thought processes. If you attempt to climb inside his head--to understand him--your neurons may implode and you may develop a strong desire to start clearing brush and referring to yourself as "the decider". Proceed with caution...I'm just sayin. Last time I attempted this, I went on a week-long cocaine and Stoli bender and somehow, during the hoopla, I married a repressed librarian and started an illegal war. Yer playin with fire there, darlin. On a thread by napi21: At times like these, we need Zell. Can you believe this is REALLY what I found in my morning paper? I wrote a ltte in response to this lunatic suggestion! Here's a few clips from his article, but you really need to read the whole thing. The really frightening thing is that there are most likely many people here in Ga. that agree with him! "...I am starting a 'draft Zell Miller for president' campaign. Remember, you read it here first. The man is such a natural for the job, I am surprised that nobody thought of it before I did, but being smarter than the average bear is why I get the big bucks. Besides, just the mention of his name as a presidential candidate would make a couple of people I know apoplectic. That alone would be worth the effort..." response #1 by antiwarwarrior: Because, really. Who needs a plan for health care? We'll just kick the doctors' asses! Who needs a plan to combat global warming? We'll kick mother nature's ass! Terrorism? We'll kick some ass so we can find out who they are, and then we'll kick their asses, too! Congress "out of line"? Kick their ass! Seriously, all the world's problems end the minute you get a president that knows how to kick some ass. After all, you see how well it worked for W. :rant: response #3 by Cooley Hurd: We'll challenge global warming to a duel! :D On a thread by napi21: Why isn't Biden #1 in the polls? I'm listening to him now on cspan. response #43 by asthmaticeog: Once he overcomes the whole "he fucking totally sucks" problem, he'll shoot right to the top! :patriot: OP by IChing: In order of fair and balance Sen.Inhofe is organizing The Dead Earth concert Major musicians and artist of the republican, corporate stratum have agreed to appear. It will be held on the broken mountain tops of the coal mines of West Virginia, at Exxon headquarters and Wal-marts all around the world. The following artists and personalities have agreed to appear: Brittany Speers, Paris Hilton and more that cannot be named. response #1 by sfexpat2000: Dennis Miller and Colin Quinn will do impressions of comedians. :rofl: response #8 by Swamp Rat: "Bill-O's Falafels" to be sold in the stadium by food vendors :D :hi: response #12 by IChing: The Falafels will be specially imported from China for the occasion response #13 by Swamp Rat: LOL!! .. "Death by 1,000 Loofas & Malkin Shrieks" :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: response #10 by TahitiNut: Patricia Heaton will be the Ceremonial Dominatrix :think: Special solo performance by John Ashcroft singing "Let The Beagle Sore" response #14 by dkofos: Has he considered using toxic superfund sites for his venues?? response #21 by Gregorian: Let's hear it for unlimited growth! Everyone be like Rick Santorum and have six kids! With all due respect, I know Dick Gregory has ten. Can't win them all. Everybody commute two hours every day! Each way! Clearcutting for Jesus! Bring back DDT and thalidomide! We don't care! response #34 by AlGore-08.com: End the concert with Senator Dr. Frist making a video diagnosis of Planet Earth "She's Dead Jim!" On a thread by babylonsister: Al Qaeda leader dies twice response #16 by karlrschneider: Kill me once, shame on you...kill me twice, uh can't get killed again! :silly: response #26 by Horse with no Name: Well, you see, we gotta kill em twice over there so we don't have to kill em once over here. I decided that myself. We'll just say this surge is keeping us twice as safe by killing em twice. On a thread by orleans: Gore Appears As A Hologram In Tokyo "Live Earth organiser AL GORE appeared onstage at the Tokyo, Japan leg of the charity extravaganza - as a hologram. The former U.S. vice-president wowed Japanese fans by making a live holographic video appearance from Washington, D.C. on Saturday.." response #15 by 1932: Help me Obi Wan Kenobi. You're my only hope. On a thread by ThomWV: Observation: No Democratic Candidate Made An Appearance At A Live Earth Concert Yesterday response #4 by radfringe: just a thought Gore is sort of an undeclared Candidate - if one of officially declared Candidates shows up wouldn't that look like they were supporting an opponent? It would be like Giuliani showing up at a Fred Thompson Lazy-Boy recliner sale... On a thread by bicentennial_baby: My new foodie goal: Homemade Lasagna Ok, first I will learn to make mozzarella and ricotta. Then, I will craft a new tomato sauce. Finally, I will learn how to make lasagna noodles... response #7 by Gormy Cuss: Go for broke. Extract your own salt from some sea water. Grow a pepper tree and the requisite herb plants. Finally, forge a nice lasagna pan. For the sake of simplicity, it's best to make the tomato sauce plain. It takes a while to raise steers or pigs. :P response #9 by jgraz: EXTRACT the salt????? Dude, get some sodium and chlorine and make it yourself. You just can't beat homemade salt. response #10 by Gormy Cuss: You're right. That was an unnecessary shortcut. I stink at food purist thinking. :) response #11 by jgraz: Once we get fusion down, I plan on cooking up my own elements All I'll need in the fridge is a big bag of hydrogen -- organic, free-range, fair-trade hydrogen, of course. response #13 by AZDemDist6: or you could come visit me and I'd take you to the local salt mine n/t response #18 by eridani: Or make lasagna a millionth of a second after the Big Bang You'd be limited to quark-gluon plasma and your own imagination, which would be seriously challenging. But hey, if ya wanna be a wuss and wait another 300 seconds or so, you can have your mundane old hydrogen. Was it Einstein who said that the two most common substances in the universe were hydrogen and stupidity? You'd probably want to leave the stupidity out. OP by Philosoraptor: Is America 'ready' for a coke snorting, drunken loser, idiot president? This question in response to the 'is America ready for a black/female/atheist or whatever president' questions the press keeps proposing. After two terms with the most unqualified human disaster on Earth why should the nation question if we're 'ready' for a female or black or whatever president? bush has rendered all such ridiculous questions MOOT. OP by MonkeyFunk: Genesis is cool.... I think it's sweet they hired Phil Collins' father to front them. response #1 by cloudbase: Exodus had a better story line. n/t OP by The Straight Story: Live Earth was a distraction - I think cheney was behind it All those people watching it were not spending their time pouring over negative news about bush. cheney is a genius, let me tell ya. We were so busy singing and buying better light bulbs that we didn't notice the other news this weekend that would bring down bush in 2 secs flat. And now I am starting to think Gore is working for cheney to help distract us from the real news. Yeah...that's the ticket! :rofl: OP by Lobster Martini: Inexplicable Emotional Reactions--Young Repubicans "Dazzled" by Thompson There is something disturbing about seeing “Thompson” and “Dazzles” in the same headline. Anyone who finds Fred Thompson dazzling would be overcome by the excitement of basset hound racing. In the words of the young Republicans, run, Fred, run! (So much to satirize, so little time.) response #7 by tanyev: Of course they're dazzled. He's "dumb as hell" and his opinions are up for sale to the highest bidder. He's a GOP fantasy come true. response #21 by uncertainty1999: Thompson dazzles young republicans -- LIKE HIS WIFE On a thread by BerryBush: Keith Olbermann to debut first piece on NBC Nightly News tomorrow 7/10 response #1 by xultar: Right after the show Gays will marry & republics will melt. Hide your women. A liberal on MSM news. ...the world will never be the same. On a thread by rodeodance: Crawford Tourism Sinks With Bush Approval response #4 by emulatorloo: Maybe they could have a weekly "BUSH MEMORABILIA BONFIRE and WEINER ROAST" That might bring the tourists in? OP by Matsubara: Official Nickname for Fred Thompson? Are there any yet? Jowly? Lobby & Order? Cradle Robber Baron? Feel free to add any that come to mind... I've decided on the one I'll use: "Peckerwood Hogjowls" response #2 by YOY: Mr. Folksy Comparison Ya see. Ya can't make a frog give a bumble bee a tuna fish sandwitch on th' Fourth of July. response #48 by Jed Dilligan: Foreskinface. nt response #50 by IEatskMeKucinich: Senator CrapaDoodles On a thread by babylonsister: Rove: Iraq Will Not Be A Big Issue In The Next Election response #8 by BuyingThyme: He's probably right. It will be penises, fetuses, and the men who love both and will never have either. On a thread by alyce douglas: 'Nobody knows what response #1 by tnlurker: He doesn't even know what he thinks Until Cheney Tells him. response #5 by LiberalEsto: He don't think therefore he am response #18 by TahitiNut: He never developed beyond "Look, Ma! No hands!" Absolutely no 'thought' has ever been born in the pathological narcissist's skull other than another iteration of this plea to be noticed ... to be the center of attention. I'd find it amusing if it weren't so frightening that ANYONE would continue to invest any time and effort in seeking the 'thoughts' or 'feelings' of that psychopath. Such conjecture is about as useful as contemplating a reef shark's aesthetic opinion of one's bathing suit. response #19 by mentalsolstice: "There are known knowns... there are things we know we know. We also know there are known unknowns; that is to say we know there are some things we do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns -- the ones we don't know we don't know." Uh huh... response #20 by Johonny: he's the magic 8 ball of presidents You shake him a little and sit back waiting for the wisdom. OP by Sparkly: "Unvarnished Advice" I am so sick of that term. What is "varnished advice?" It's got to be better than the "unvarnished" variety the Chimp has been getting for seven years. response #1 by Greyskye: it's very simple This is where you take really crappy, rough, unfinished and splintery advice which is made from extremely poor quality wood laminate. You then cover it up with dozens of coats of clear republican shellac, until the advice looks glossy and shiny on the outside to any kind of rudimentary viewing. You then take this polished up turd and submit it to the public. You can't touch this advice however, and you certainly aren't allowed to inspect it closely. Because close inspection will reveal what is really at the core of it all. A cheap, splintery, piece of crap coated over with secrecy, spin, and obfuscation. On a thread by rodeodance: Animal House----the movie and its Effects on America: response #1 by Gidney N Cloyd: "Was it over when the Iraqis bombed the Twin Towers? Hell no!" Otter: "Iraqis?" Boon: "Forget it, he's rolling." On a thread by rec_report: 'DC Madam' Phone Records posted (22-Jan to 22-Aug 2006) response #3 by northzax: not much of them there yet only 12 calls from one week. most for portions of a minute, can you really hire a hooker in 20 seconds? response #4 by jody: Sorry, I thought you wrote "hire a hooker FOR 20 seconds". :rofl: response #5 by northzax: well, I ain't paying for more than I need! sheesh, you think I'm a millionaire or sumthin'? On a thread by greenbriar: Bwhahaha repuke senator Vitter on Madam's list "WASHINGTON - Sen. David Vitter, R-La., apologized Monday night for 'a very serious sin in my past' after his telephone number appeared among those associated with an escort service operated by the so-called 'D.C. Madam'..." response #5 by karlrschneider: There once was a Senator Vitter Who is now increasingly bitter His name on the list Was found so he's pissed And his cred is now in the shitter. :D response #25 by chimpsrsmarter: it was still good. There once was a Dandy named Vitter on and on about Gays he did twitter then the sins of his past came to bite him in the ass and has made all of DU titter. OP by leftofthedial: please stop talking about treason, lies, WMD, attorney-gate, the Plame outing, etc., etc., etc. DON'T YOU REALIZE THERE ARE YOUNG WHITE WOMEN MISSING? On a thread by dajoki: Santorum dedicated to applying "Judeo-Christian moral tradition to critical issues of public policy" response #1 by C_U_L8R: Santorum was once dumb as a box of rocks He must've gotten a bigger box or something OP by jgraz: Can we make it against DU rules to quote the DU rules at people? I'm guessing it would cut traffic on this site by about 50%. response #2 by simskl: I think that's against the rules n/t response #15 by Lerkfish: but then we'd disappear into the resulting warp in the space-time continuum until our heads became permanently lodged in our nether regions. "but I thought you said crossing the beams would be a bad thing!" On a thread by RamboLiberal: Bush performs brain surgery "President Bush made a 20-minute stop at the Cleveland Clinic's Lerner Research Center, where he performed a simulated brain surgery..." response #10 by CreekDog: Simulated brain doing simulated brain surgery Wonders never cease. response #13 by jmondine: Viewing a video of Bush's surgery... ...Bill Frist said that the fake brain looked perfectly healthy. response #27 by Oldtimeralso: Brain surgery on * would be microsurgery by a proctologist. response #32 by formercia: This is like using a blow up doll to teach abstinence. It's alive!!!! On a thread by americanstranger: Al Qaeda is coming! (Or they may be here already...) response #1 by Buzz Clik: McVey -- al Qaeda. Ted Bundy -- al Qaeda. Unabomber -- al Qaeda. The asshat at USPS who stole the $50 out of the envelope -- al Qaeda. Potholes in the parking lot -- al Qaeda. They're here. Be afraid. OP by Hubert Flottz: Send me to Washington ASAP, I'd like to have some sleazy fun too! I think I can handle it! You send me and I'll give it my best shot. I have plenty of values and morality, because I've never used any of either one, to amount to anything! Vote for Hubert and make this dirty old man a happy camper! GD, July 10, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x1293171 OP by Atman: Huckabee: We're fighting fanatics who want to combine religion and government. Just now on MSNBC... I thought he was running as a Republican??? :shrug: response #2 by Cooley Hurd: Huckabee's part of the brain that detects irony is clearly on the fritz... response #5 by AllegroRondo: just drop the word "fighting", and he's 100% correct OP by SalmonChantedEvening: Bigger Than A Blue Dress :) Bigger Than A Blue Dress (To the tune of Devil in a Blue Dress/Miss Molly/Ginny Ginny medley – Mitch Ryder) Bigger than a Blue Dress, Blue Dress, Blue Dress Bigger than a Blue Dress, Lawd Bigger than a Blue Dress, Blue Dress, Blue Dress Bigger than a Blue Dress, Lawd Eenie Meenie Miney Mo Who will be the next one to go Hearings are big, fakes to catch Well heeled freakers sayin gimme summa dat Ordering girls like a pizza pie Shame on you for thinking an anchovie joke was nigh Bigger than a Blue Dress, Blue Dress, Blue Dress Bigger than a Blue Dress, Lawd Bigger than a Blue Dress, Blue Dress, Blue Dress Bigger than a Blue Dress, Lawd Scaring her clients, for cover they dive Holy Rollers, all along it was jive “This is evil, no don’t do that” After hours they found you in an alley widda cats One eight hundred Hello Girls Swine wearing necklaces of over casted pearls Bigger than a Blue Dress, Blue Dress, Blue Dress Bigger than a Blue Dress, Lawd Bigger than a Blue Dress, Blue Dress, Blue Dress Bigger than a Blue Dress, Lawd (Bridge/break) Good Golly, What Folly, Watch as they fall Good Golly, What Folly, Watch as they fall When you get that feelin’, juz give Madam X a call From the Capital Rotunda to the North Virginia Nights Vitter Critters shoppin at the Flashing Red Lights! Good Golly, What Folly, Watch as they fall Good Golly, What Folly, Watch as they fall When you get that feelin’, juz give Madam X a call Well gimme gimme gimme, gimme big hypocricy Gimme gimme WOOO gimme gimme Gimme gimme gimme, gimme big hypocricy Gimme gimme WOOO gimme gimme Charlatans and phonies, far as the eye can see Gimme gimme WOOO gimme gimme Spin it spin it spin it, Spin it all you can on Faux Spin it spin it WOOO spin it spin it Spin it spin it spin it, Spin it all you can on Faux Spin it spin it WOOO spin it spin it Just don’t come to the door, when reality knocks Spin it spin it WOOO spin it spin it (And once more with FEEEEEELIN) Bigger than a Blue Dress, Blue Dress, Blue Dress Bigger than a Blue Dress, Lawd Bigger than a Blue Dress, Blue Dress, Blue Dress Bigger than a Blue Dress, Lawd (Fade) OP by MichaelHarris: Like I don't have enough to worry about Not only do I have to worry when I walk near middle eastern doctors because they might explode now I have to worry about pizza delivery guys, Exclusive: Pizza Bomb Victim Was Part of the Plot And now I see this, "Michael Chertoff had told the Chicago Tribune's editorial board his "gut feeling" was that the United States faced an increased risk of attack this summer." While the White house says this, "The Bush administration said on Wednesday there was no specific, credible terrorism threat against the United States and denied that an emergency meeting had been called." I'm so confused. Should I buy more insurance? Maybe I'm under covered. I've been asking the pizza guy to sit the box at the door and take 20 steps backwards but I'm not sure that's enough. What's a safe distance for an exploding pizza guy? I was at the hospital today and a dark-skinned doctor walked by where I was sitting, luckily there was an oak table near that I was able to dive under. Oak's pretty strong, I trust oak. Subway delivers, I don't think they explode yet. Cold cut combo sounds good. Michael Harris, who may be watching way too much Fox News. response #1 by sfexpat2000: Holy cR@P! I got a pizza delivery last night! That's it! No more anchovies for this American! On a thread by RGBolen: The former head of Food and Drug safety administration has been executed in China. response #5 by NanceGreggs: "The accused was served his final meal ... ... after which execution proved to be unnecessary." OP by Wetzelbill: I am thinking about becoming a Republican.... We have learned many things about being a Republican. Senator Vitter just reinforced one of my favorites. That one is that you can get away with being a pompous moral hypocrite while committing all kinds of moral failings, because in the end you can always play the God card and be forgiven. Being a Republican sounds fun. No accountability. You can gamble, cheat on your wife, lie people into wars, and still act like a bastion of morality. See, there are lots of reasons to be a Republican. Plenty of benefits, just like the one mentioned above. I have some for you, and please, add your own. Here are a few more of my favorites: A Republican can get away with being called strong on leadership, even if they are weak on leadership. In some cases, if you have the audacity to do so, you can even write a book called: "Leadership." Being an expert on foreign affairs and national security matters, does not require you to have any experience in the field or to ever be right on anything, for that matter. Like a frightened baby chipmunk, you fear anything that is different than you, and your base loves you for it. Serious character flaws, such as racism and sexism, are actually beneficial to your career advancement. While writing a book, you can say any batshit thing you want, never check to see if your "facts" are correct, and completely lie out of your hate-mongering ass, and it will make you millions of dollars. No matter how foolish, stupid or treasonous you are, you will always have a cushy, high-paying think tank job waiting for you. Being dumb, or at least acting dumb, is considered a plus with your voting base. You do not have to have any sense of irony or shame, whatsoever. And my favorite, the law should be Draconian but, it does not apply to you or your cronies, and if someone tries to hold you accountable, you can simply say three magic words to get out of the predicament. "Go fuck yourself." OP by Husb2Sparkly: So .... Chertoff has a gut feeling, huh? Hey ..... Mikey ...... lissen here, you cadaverous looking fuck. I don't give two shits about your gut. Okay? Take some Beano. Tums, maybe. But don't pull that 'Boo!" shit just cuz your keeper's polls are lower than Cheney's Love Quotient. That line is just outta fucking gas. Al Kaida. El Keeda. Al Quada. All Terror All the Time. Give it a rest and get those FEMA trailers ready for the hurricane season, you dipshit, asshole, motherfucker. response #1 by Drum: Yeah...this is real progress... Now we have a national shaman, and no further need for proof. Dark Ages, here we come! :eyes: response #4 by Wetzelbill: leeches and bloodletting aren't all that bad, I guess Providing your HMO covers that latest advancement in modern medicine. It just seems like we've devolved a tad in the last 7 years. |
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