Reply #35: I am not always what I may seem.

[InkAddict]

The trouble is I'm conflicted. I've never done "sad" well; it always comes out as anger. I FEAR I would alienate more than I could persuade by that anger and hot tears, so I leave it to others to calmly take up the gauntlet and the process.

I have issues that pre-date the 2000 theft. One incidence, in particular, reached it's covert tentacles into my home, and brought paranoia and the sleepness nights of worrying they'd really OFF me. Surprise, they didn't have to--they just removed job after job, home after home. I'll never see the roses I planted bloom nor visit my little dead doggie's grave again and many friends, relatives, and "enemies" of my State (of mind)have moved on, as have I; broken relationships forever. Those things might seem trivial to everyone else, but it's what I cherished about my very little footprint on this America. I honestly believe my Constitutional rights were violated, but being just poor enough, I learned how little legal justice works in this country, and I'm not healed; perhaps that violation, that rape of my GUARANTEED(?)right will forever fester.

I've done the "hang in there kitty" so long that the fast-twitch response has passed, and the long-twitch response won't let go, a domestic complex PTSD, if you like. Just what the H can one do to create change when one is hangin' on by the fingernails. All that's left of a life-time of work is a voice that keeps repeating, "if you rest, you rust," so I try to make decisions of action and thought while awaiting some secure hoist back up among the living.

I've called my Congress critters; I've volunteered in campaign activities, I've been to the streets of DC and on the corner of my own State capitol, OK-one time each. My passion is real, but my pocketbook's empty. Someone once said to me that the "poor have no choices" and they said it without a hint at regret for that circumstance or any plans to assist in changing it; it pissed me off, and I've got to prove that that's wrong in America, some how, some way.

I'm not uneducated, just not very savvy about politics, but what's going on is most definitely NOT what I learned about what my country stands for and I AM ASHAMED of how my values have been trampled. Heck, my Fundie folks told me once that they contributed by "mowing their grass," and I just know how wrong, how apathetic, how PATHETIC that is, and I refuse, after examining what I know, to just keep my mouth closed and my actions limited to such a ridiculous assertion. But lately, I'm not going for being a "pillar" of my community. I'm just another brick in the DU wall tryin' to bust loose to live free and secure in some hope that the rule of law will prevail toward goodness in this country, and I ain't seeing much of it lately! Call it a tantrum, call it what you will, but I am not a stereotype! I also apologize if I've said too much or what I've said was somehow not relevant to this thread!