Yes. I'm being "selfish"... I have to be.

[ScreamingMeemie]

We are always saying, "they'll change their minds when it happens to them."

"It" has happened here in my house.
3 years ago my husband had a great health insurance plan. We were lucky because I ended up really, really needing it. I am(was) a compliant patient. I took my medications, submitted to treatments, faithfully kept doctors appointments. I never thought about what would happen IF. And then "if" happened. I lost my husband and was, luckily, able to continue on Cobra (at a very high price of $2400/month). It was still less than the cost of treatment, medicine, and dr.'s visits. We were smart, at age 28, to take out life insurance policies. I was lucky because my daughter became very ill (she was 17 at the time) and insurance took care of it all. It was worth the $2400/month. I made the decision to move to Texas for reasons that many have heard and few have need to care about. What I didn't do was realize just what was going to happen when I tried to transfer over into an "in network" insurance plan. Although my heart had beat steadily for over 2 years, my blood pressure was within normal limits and my immune system (with the help of steroids and courses of antibiotics) had served me rather well, I was deemed un-insurable. My preexisting conditions were too much of a gamble. Luckily I could still cover my son. 34 times I was told sorry. I got an agent. Mr "No worries, we'll find something for you" who turned into "Gee Whiz bang, have you thought about the Texas High Risk Pool". A pool that won't cover the preexisting condition medications, that will only allow for the bare minimum of visits, that would allow me to get treatment at any hospital...with a high deductible. The cost? More than my mortgage payment a month. The girl who had moved to Texas with high hopes for carving out some kind of future out of ashes gave up. So here we are. My blood pressure? 155/92 today. My tachycardia has begun again. Because I am now non-compliant. I can't afford to comply anymore. So I sit here, the fool. Mad at myself for moving, for buying a new house...for all of it.

I have a son. A son that needs his mom. So yes I'm being selfish. Four years is a hell of a time to wait and worry. I don't have an option to not be there for my son because who will care? Conversely I don't have an option to help myself have a better shot at being here for him, short of internet medications shipped from India.

Yes, I'm being Selfish. It has been a year of steadily losing hope. Hope died.