Oil Jumps $5 on frugality concerns.

[LeftHander]

HOUSTON - Oil jumped in price $5 today as investors made a mass movement back into the oil futures market. Oil futures speculator Martin Quell said of today's jump, "It is a good thing, you know, this trust fund I have simply needs someplace to invest ridiculous amounts of money in. The oil futures market is like shooting Iraqi's at a check point. It is just so easy. The entry is a bit pricey 10 million at minimum to play but frankly I will never have to work again...and neither will my great grand kids, well they didn't have to anyway but who knows what the world will be like 100 years from now. Now if you will excuse me I have to see a man about a polo pony."

Quell went on to add, "I got out of the oil market when gas prices started spiking and the volume was simply outrageous, folks at the club here decided to take a breather. But the other day they we were chatting over gin and tonics and I said I felt bad about not making shitloads of money this past week. I felt actually guilty. So I tossed in 200 million yesterday and another 150 today."

Quell was interviewed at the gates of Houston's most exclusive country club he spoke from the window of his Hummer.

Across the nation America's conservative elite returned to boost fortunes on the ever rising oil futures market. What was once a gamble is now seen by many super wealthy as a ticket to immortality. The "have-mores" are frantically taking five minutes out of the day to place orders for billions in oil futures. Eileen Monger spoke with us. "It is just the only thing left to do. Five of our six homes in the states have seen little or no value increase due to those silly people at the banks. What are we to do? Times are desperate, I hate to say. My husband is taking delivery of our new motor yacht Tuesday and he already has designers working on the next one. If we don't consume who else will? We can;t just sit back and live on what we have."