Please consider buying stock in my new bank (business proposal)

[JackRiddler]

The plan is as follows: I'll accept a dollar deposit, lend out eight to anyone breathing at variable interest, issue derivatives backed by the loans and sell these to a Norwegian pension fund, buy swaps on both sides of the derivatives, and relabel all of that as assets so that I can leverage a new credit at 40:1.

Then I'll take 70 percent of that to the market to buy and short the same stocks simultaneously based on charts, without knowing which businesses they're in because that would jinx it. Another 20 percent will go into paying myself via offshore entities, 5 percent is to lobby and give campaign contributions to Congress for a later bailout, and five percent will be kept in reserve for a legal fund and/or getaway vehicle. Also, I'll hire colorful analysts to go scream the company's name on CNBC, and my CEO and CFO will be mathematicians who devise obscure algorithms that I will not understand when time comes for them to get a subpoena. Sorry, I don't recall if I remember any of this. Could you repeat the question?

We promise astonishing returns. Don't be a loser, think of your future, buy now.

Okay?