I was 4.

[rbnyc]

I’m not an Oprah Winfrey fan, but I was channel surfing and decided to stop on a rebroadcast of the final episode. I came in at a point where she was talking about being sexually abused as a child. She talked about how she felt safe enough with her audience to admit it, but hadn’t let go of the shame of it until she had a child molester on her show who talked about how they profile, manipulate and seduce children and she finally realized it wasn’t her fault. Then she showed a clip from an episode where a number of male survivors of childhood sexual abuse stood together with photographs of how old they were when they were fist abused. Then there was a montage of the men saying, “I was 10,” “I was 8,” “I was 12,” “I was 6,” etc.

As an adult survivor of childhood sexual abuse, I was really moved by the bravery of these men. It made me want to stand up and say, “I was 4.”

I was 4 years old when I was forcibly penetrated and coerced into performing oral sex on a 20-year-old man who was friends with my grandparents. Processing and overcoming this was a very long road, but I am fine. I am really fine.

There wasn’t one moment or one revelation that let me let go of the shame of it, that let me start understanding sex as an expression of love and stop using it as an expression of power, that let me see the beauty and the innocence in myself, and that let me forgive. It was a lot of experiences over a long time.

A long time ago I heard that 1 in 4 girls would be sexually abused before the age of 18. That statistic remains. It hasn’t gotten any better.

So I’m sure that there are many, many people here who are survivors. If anyone wants to stand up with me and have a dialogue, I want to invite that.

Otherwise, I just want to tell you all, I was 4 and I survived. I’m a mom, a musician, a writer, a not-for-profit fundraising executive, an awesome baker and maker of treats and I like myself.

http://www.d2l.org/site/c.4dICIJOkGcISE/b.6035035/k.8258/Prevent_Child_Sexual_Abuse.htm