DU Breaking News!

[H2O Man]

(Texas) DU News: Special agents of the Federal Bureau of Investigation took former President George W. Bush into custody last night, ending a tense two-hour standoff in downtown Dallas. The crisis began at approximately 9:30 pm, when Dallas Police had a phone call from a man claiming that he was holding the former president hostage. An unidentified source from the Dallas Police Department confirmed that Mr. Bush had actually taken himself hostage.

An FBI spokesperson told reporters that Bush was demanding that the US Supreme Court hear a motion that he claimed would prove that he had won the 2008 national election, and that the Court reinstate him into the Oval Office. When the FBI hostage negotiator told him that this was impossible, Mr. Bush threatened to make paper airplanes out of the two pages of his legal brief, and to fly them into the World Trade Center. Bush reportedly claimed that he alone has been appointed by God to “provide needed protection to the Home Land.”

Negotiations appeared to be moving forward when the FBI allowed a package to be delivered to Mr. Bush. Sources said that Mr. Bush had demanded a ham sandwich and 12-pack of Budweiser beer. The negotiations then broke down when Mr. Bush demanded that Sgt. Barry Sadler's 1966 single, “Ballad of the Green Berets,” be named as the new National Anthem, in honor of Bush's service in the National Guard.

At approximately 11:45 pm, the special agents were able to take Mr. Bush into custody, after he had briefly blacked out as a result of his alcohol intake.