The Top 10 Conservative Idiots, No. 252

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Mon Jul-17-06 12:11 AM
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The Top 10 Conservative Idiots, No. 252

Edited on Mon Jul-17-06 01:23 PM by EarlG

The Top 10 Conservative Idiots, No. 252

July 17, 2006
Pig In A Poke Edition

This week's recurring theme is: Idiocy involving food and drink. Conservative blogger Pete Shinn (1) was in an embarrassing situation involving an Onion. George W. Bush (2) was positively giddy about eating a pig. And Pete Coors (6) got caught drinking a little too much of the family product. Don't forget the key!

Pete Shinn

As anyone who frequents the dark dungeons of the Internets knows, you can meet some real morons online. And Pete Shinn of the pro-life blog "March Together for Life" has got to be in the running for Tit of the Year.

On July 6, Shinn posted an entry to his blog entitled, "Murder without conscience." The post detailed some shockingly callous comments by one Caroline Weber, who, in an article for a well-known national newspaper wrote, "Those pro-life activists made it pretty clear that, unlike me, they actually think abortion is bad and to be avoided. Are they nuts? Abortion is the best! It wasn't until now that I was lucky enough to be pregnant with a child I had no means to support."

Shinn was outraged. "Miss Weber, you have killed your child, which you admit is a baby/human being, intentionally," he wrote. "That does make you an admitted murderer. I'm not going to 'condemn you to hell', I'm going to pray for your forgiveness and for the suffering which you will endure when you realize what you have done. Every baby you see from that moment on is going to wake you up to the realization that you killed your child."

Strong words, and I'm sure Caroline Weber would take them to heart if she read them. Unfortunately she can't read them because, er, she doesn't exist. Surprised? Perhaps I can shed a little more light on the situation by telling you that Shinn introduced Weber in his blog entry as, "Miss Caroline Weber, who wrote an article at The Onion online magazine." He even helpfully provided a link to the original Onion article, which is titled, "I'm Totally Psyched About This Abortion!"

There's more. Pete's entry received hundreds of comments telling him in no uncertain terms that he was an enormous bonehead (don't bother looking for them on his blog, they're not there any more), so he - quite obviously - felt the need to defend himself.

In Defense No. 1 he wrote, "Needless to say, a few people wanted to let me know that I was a dolt for thinking that her article was real. As a matter of fact, call me a dolt, because in the beginning I really did think it was real. Why? because I meet women like her in the field all the time." Because, you know, there are women everywhere walking around saying "I'm totally psyched about this abortion!" To make his case, Pete cited some random woman that he walked up to and hassled while she was sunbathing in the park. Seriously.

Realizing that Defense No. 1 was a bust, Pete moved on to Defense No. 2, in which he claimed that the fact that educated people know the Onion is a satirical newspaper "proves my point that our children are brainwashed in the public school system." And while that makes absolutely no sense whatsoever, Pete did helpfully quote one person who left a comment on his blog, which went like this:

"Color me stunned ... douchebag"

(You'll note that in Defense No. 2 Pete still thinks that "Caroline Weber" is the real author of the Onion article.)

Clearly a change of direction was needed, so Pete launched Defense No. 3, entitled, "Summing up the 'Onion' flap," in which he castigated the "intellectual left" (hey, thanks!) for sending him hate mail (poor baby) and tried to claim that while the Onion piece is indeed satire, they still managed to "slip their agenda" in there. To prove his point he quoted these two sentences:

"The funny thing is, I actually have the pro-life movement to thank for this opportunity. If my HMO wouldn't have bowed to their pressure not to cover oral contraceptives, I never would've gotten pregnant in the first place."

Sure, that's a cheeky dig at the right-wing nutbags who want to ban contraception (yes Pete, that's you.) But I guess Pete didn't want to mention the sentences immediately following that quote:

Then what would I be doing a week from Thursday? I'll tell you what I wouldn't be doing: going to an awesome abortion clinic where I'll be the center of attention from the minute I put my feet up in those stirrups. I wouldn't be looking forward to induced dilation of my cervical opening and suctioning of my uterus, either. And I sure as heck wouldn't get the chance to have a doctor insert a metal instrument into my womb to dislodge tissue from my uterine wall! I seriously cannot wait for all the hemorrhaging and the uterine contractions.

Makes abortion sound just dandy, doesn't it?

Anyway, all of this left Pete no place to go but Defense No. 4:

My article was a joke, which obviously thousands of you didn't get, all the while accusing me of being the stupidest person on the planet.

Oh boy, I guess we were the ones who didn't get the joke! DUHHHHHHH!

(By the way, I haven't linked to Pete's original post because due to the recent burst of publicity, he's decided to dress it up with some graphic images of aborted fetuses. Whatever turns you on, Pete.)

George W. Bush

Once upon a time, George W. Bush had a roadmap for peace in the Middle East. Then he invaded Iraq and forgot all about it. And now the people who could use that roadmap most of all are on the verge of driving over a cliff.

Violence flared last week after Israel launched strikes against Hezbollah in Lebanon in retaliation for the recent kidnappings of three IDF soldiers. And since retaliation is the name of the game in the Middle East, Hezbollah started firing barrages of rockets into Israel. The fighting continues.

And whither the roadmap? Well, George W. Bush, visiting Germany last week, proclaimed the violence to be "pathetic" and "a sad situation." Then he turned his attention to something far more important: roast pork.

As most people know, pork is a forbidden food in both the Jewish and Muslim faiths. So while the Middle East went up in flames, here's what Our Great Leader was doing:

If you think this kind of behavior looks familiar, allow me to refresh your memory...

But back to the pork. At a press conference with German Chancellor Angela Merkel last week, Bush could barely shut up about it. Here are some quotes:

"I understand I may have the honor of slicing the pig."

"Thanks for having me. I'm looking forward to that pig tonight."

"I haven't seen the pig yet."

"I thought you were going to ask about the pig."

"I'll tell you about the pig tomorrow."

Don't worry George. I think everyone already knows exactly where the pig is.

By the way, for those of you who are wondering why Bush is still in Europe rather than managing the crisis from the White House Situation Room, rest assured that he has the ability to be completely ineffective wherever he is in the world.

The Left Behinders

Of course, by remaining indifferent to the crisis in the Middle East, the president is winking at some of his strongest supporters: people who were dropped on their heads as babies and subsequently read Left Behind one too many times.

The Left Behinders are positively giddy over developments in Israel, as you can see from these (apparently now deleted) posts on the Rapture Ready message boards:

ohappyday
Is it time to get excited? I can't help the way I feel. For the first time in my Christian walk, I have no doubts that the day of the Lords appearing is upon us. I have never felt this way before, I have a joy that bubbles up every-time I think of him, for I know this is truly the time I have waited for so long. Am I alone in feeling guilty about the human suffering like my joy at his appearing some how fuels the evil I see everywhere. If it were not for the souls that hang in the balance and the horror that stalks man daily on this earth, my joy would be complete. For those of us who await his arrival know, somehow we just know it won't be long now, the Bridegroom cometh rather man is ready are not.

watcherboy
it has been quite a day today, if you caught all the news; I'm getting the feeling world tension is gonna be high for a long time with increased terrorism and nations being defiant. I don't think it will cool down until after the rapture when the peace deal is confirmed.

ifnot4him
Ready, waiting and excited here! Still telling others whenever possible that the rapture could take place at any time because this world is in such a big MESS and evidently it goes through one ear and right out the other

comicnurse
My brother has witnessed to some of his friends over and over. He finally prayed to God and asked Him to spare their lives when the rapture happens. Dan has told them, "When the rapture happens, go to my house and read everything I have in this folder." They roll their eyes, but............I'll bet they run to find that folder when the rapture happens!

Waitin
I too am soooo excited!! I get goose bumps, literally, when I watch what's going on in the M.E.!! And Watcherboy, you were so right when saying it was quite a day yesterday, in the world news, and I add in local news here in the Boston area!! Tunnel ceiling collapsed on a car and killed a woman of faith, and we had the most terrifying storms I have ever seen here!! But, yes, Ohappyday, like in your screen name , it is most indeed a time to be happy and excited, right there with ya!!

Woohoo! We're all gonna die! Meanwhile...

harpazo1
hey guys...with all that is going on, the excitement is palpable!!! I was (and have been) reflecting lately on what the actual rapture moment will be like (whenever it happens....lol).....i Know it's instantaneous but do ya think we'll have like a second of "realization" like (**horn blast**) and then thinking, "OH IT'S HAPPENING!!! THIS IS IT!!" Or we'll actually feel ourselves being lifted up and sailing through the air??? OR, do ya think we'll just like blink and be in the presence of the Lord that quick??? (yea i know i think about crazy stuff sometimes....lol) But sometimes when i consider the times, i almost can feel my spirit ready to leap outta my body (if that makes ANY sense....) oh well......back to the news.....just wondering what u guys thought......lol

Jazzman27
I kind of hope for the flying method. I would love to dop some loops on the way up!!

Is it just me, or are these people one badly-worded sermon away from strapping on a pair of Nikes, downing some phenobarbital-laced vodka, and going to sleep with plastic bags over their heads?

The Department of Homeland Security

Back on Planet Earth (sort of) the Department of Homeland Security has released a report which reveals the shocking reality of the terrorist threat against these United States. It turns out that in Indiana alone there are 8,591 potential terrorist targets, which is - strangely enough - fifty percent more than the 5,687 targets in New York state.

There are really more potential targets in "Heartland" states than in a giant metropolis like New York? Yes indeed - assuming that Al Qaeda is planning to attack "Old MacDonald's Petting Zoo, the Amish Country Popcorn factory, the Mule Day Parade, the Sweetwater Flea Market and an unspecified 'Beach at End of a Street,'" according to the New York Times. That's right folks: "Beach at End of a Street" is in serious danger.

Funnily enough...

The database is used by the Homeland Security Department to help divvy up the hundreds of millions of dollars in antiterrorism grants each year, including the program announced in May that cut money to New York City and Washington by 40 percent, while significantly increasing spending for cities including Louisville, Ky., and Omaha.

...which explains a lot. See, while New York listed things like "The Statue of Liberty" and "The Empire State Building," they forgot to list things like, "Joe's Hot Dog Stand" and "XXX Video Rental." And that's why they saw a big drop in funds to fight terrorism. Don't believe me? Check this out:

In addition to the petting zoo, in Woodville, Ala., and the Mule Day Parade in Columbia, Tenn., the auditors questioned many entries, including "Nix's Check Cashing," "Mall at Sears," "Ice Cream Parlor," "Tackle Shop," "Donut Shop," "Anti-Cruelty Society" and "Bean Fest."

Bean Fest. So does the Department of Homeland Security find this embarrassing at all?

"We don't find it embarrassing," said the department's deputy press secretary, Jarrod Agen. "The list is a valuable tool."

Sure it is. A valuable tool for a bunch of tools.

Ann Coulter and Bob Beauprez

Back in March, Colorado gubernatorial candidate Bob Beauprez (R-Naturally) hit upon a winning idea - he would attract donors to a campaign event by enlisting the services of Ann Coulter, who happened to be in Denver for an appearance at the Paramount Theate. Good plan, right? Guaranteed to bring the big-money donors rolling in, right? Not exactly. According to Colorado Confidential:

Nary a one showed up, according to Truebner, leaving Ms. Coulter and Mrs. Beauprez -- the candidate himself was in D.C., working his day job -- to hobnob in the Paramount's 2d-floor lobby with about a dozen earnest but penniless campaign volunteers, plus some KOA listeners who'd won free tickets to the Coulter show from the station and just happened to be in the vicinity.

Smiles were flashed, photos were taken, and cheese/crackers were eaten, just like at a real campaign event. The only things missing were the $1,000 checks.

The grand total raised at Beauprez's Coulterfest? Zero dollars.

Pete Coors

Let's stay in Colorado for a moment and check in on the recent doings of former GOP Senate candidate/beer magnate Pete Coors. In a somewhat ironic turn of events, Pete was arrested for drunk driving last week. According to Denver's ABC7:

Coors, 59, was driving a 2004 Jaguar when he was pulled over in Golden by a Colorado State Patrol trooper just before midnight on May 29, according to officials in the Jefferson County District Court clerk's office. Coors faces charges of driving under influence after registering a blood-alcohol level above the legal limit of .08 percent. He also was cited with failure to obey a traffic control device.

For those of you keeping score, that means he ran a stop sign. While he was driving under the influence. So what did Pete have to say for himself?

"I made a mistake by driving myself home after a friend's wedding celebration. I should have planned ahead for a ride. For years I've advocated the responsible use of our company's products. That's still my message, and our company's message, and it's the right message. I am sorry that I didn't follow it myself."

Hey, don't be sorry Pete. Failing to practice what you preach is the mark of a true conservative.

Katherine Harris

It was another exciting week for Katherine Harris's Senate Campaign: not only was she caught lying about her achievements in Congress, but her high-level campaign staff resigned. Again.

Let's start with the lying. The Palm Beach Post reported last week that:

On the campaign trail and in her literature, U.S. Rep. Katherine Harris boasts that, as a freshman member of Congress, she passed the American Dream Downpayment Act, "enabling 4.5 million low-income workers to own their first home while growing the U.S. economy by $256 billion." Federal reports indicate Harris' claims are grossly exaggerated.

Those federal reports state that 13,000 low-income families have been assisted. So that means Harris was only off by about 4,487,000 families. According to the Post, "Harris' congressional spokesman, Gerry Fritz, conceded Wednesday that the claims in her campaign literature were inaccurate. 'Someone in the campaign made an error,' he said." No kidding.

Now let's find out why Harris's staffers have been leaving her in droves. It seems that in the summer of 2005, when rumors were flying that Joe Scarborough might run against Harris in the Republican primary, she called top GOP donors and told them that the former Republican congressman "would have to answer questions about the strange death of a former staff member in 2001," according to the Miami Herald. For those of you who missed that story, it's quite simple: one of Scarborough's staffers turned up dead in his office in 2001; her death was ruled to be accidental. If you're wondering why the case didn't make major headlines, it's because at the time the media was busy chasing down another congressman who didn't murder one of his former staffers: Gary Condit.

Anyway, the point is that Joe Scarborough didn't even have a chance to announce he wasn't running before Harris started making nutball phonecalls to donors accusing him of murder. That didn't play well with her advisers, who have since referred to her thusly:

"This (story) encapsulates everything wrong with her as a candidate. She reacted without thinking. She made stuff up. She called people she had no business calling. And when confronted with the insanity of her - I use this term lightly - 'strategy,' she denied it and tried to blame someone else." - Jim Dornan, former Harris campaign manager

"It definitely hurt fundraising. It drove her crazy, but it didn't take long to get her there." - Ed Rollins, former Harris campaign manager

"I wish Katherine Harris the best, but it appears all the old patterns are repeating themselves: Tantrums. Minor things cause her to blow. She doesn't take advice. Micromanaging to the Nth degree. It's nothing new. But I didn't have the energy to move on with the campaign, considering everything." - Glenn Hodas, former Harris campaign manager

Wow, and those are her friends talking. I bet poor Katherine is longing for the good old days when she could just play footsie with college newspaper reporters.

Oh, and one last thing: it was revealed last week that Harris has decided to take $100,000 out of her campaign coffers in order to renovate her home. I'm not joking.

Robert Novak

Bob "Well I Think That's Bullshit And I Hate That" Novak finally broke his silence over the Plame Affair last week. Let's head over to Media Matters to try to untangle some of the mess.

In a July 2003 Newsday article, Novak was quoted as saying:

"I didn't dig (Plame's identify) out, it was given to me. ... They (Novak's sources) thought it was significant, they gave me the name and I used it."

A few months later, Novak changed his mind and wrote that Plame's identity was given to him by an administration official in an "offhand manner." When asked about the assertion, he said that his statement to Newsday had not been "very artfully put" but there was "no inconsistency" between the two statements.

Then, in his most recent column, Novak wrote that his undisclosed source "told me through a third party that the disclosure was inadvertent on his part."

How does Bob explain this? Well, he told Sean Hannity last week that "some of the things that (Newsday) said that quoted me that are not in quotes are paraphrases, and they're incorrect, such as the whole idea that they planted this story with me. I never told that to the Newsday reporters."

So let's see. First Plame's identity was given to him because "they thought it was significant." Then it was given to him in an "offhand manner." Then it was "inadvertent." Then he says that he was misquoted.

Still confused? This should help: in his column last week, Novak claims that "I learned Valerie Plame's name from Joe Wilson's entry in Who's Who in America."

So I had a look in Who's Who, and you know what? He's right!

Well I'm glad that's all cleared up.

The Bush Administration

I thought this was a joke when I first read it, but unfortunately it's all too true. Last week the National Journal published the salaries of 403 White House staffers, and Think Progress has found the four most overpaid:

Deborah Nirmala Misir
Ethics Advisor
Salary: $114,688

Erica M. Dornburg
Ethics Advisor
Salary: $100,547

Stuart Baker
Director for Lessons Learned
Salary: $106,641

Melissa M. Carson
Director of Fact Checking
Salary: $46,500

Funny stuff, eh? It's hard to believe that there's a Director of Fact Checking, let alone a Director of Lessons Learned who gets paid $106,641 a year. I wonder what the job listing for such a position looks like?

White House Director of Lessons Learned

Responsibilities: Director reports to President Bush once every nine years or whenever a lesson is learned, whichever occurs first.

Requirements: Three years of high school or equivalent. Ability to work alone in a small, windowless, telephone-free office is essential. Typing/Minesweeper skills a plus. MUST BE DISCREET.

Ted Stevens

And finally, shame on me for not bringing this up a few weeks ago when the story first broke, but I would be utterly remiss in letting another week go by without mentioning Sen. Ted Stevens' now-famous Net Neutrality speech. So here it is, in all its glory - Ted Stevens' Internet For Dummies:

There's one company now you can sign up and you can get a movie delivered to your house daily by delivery service. Okay. And currently it comes to your house, it gets put in the mail box when you get home and you change your order but you pay for that, right.

But this service is now going to go through the internet and what you do is you just go to a place on the internet and you order your movie and guess what you can order ten of them delivered to you and the delivery charge is free.

Ten of them streaming across that internet and what happens to your own personal internet?

I just the other day got, an internet was sent by my staff at 10 o'clock in the morning on Friday and I just got it yesterday. Why?

Because it got tangled up with all these things going on the internet commercially.

So you want to talk about the consumer? Let's talk about you and me. We use this internet to communicate and we aren't using it for commercial purposes.

We aren't earning anything by going on that internet. Now I'm not saying you have to or you want to discrimnate against those people.

The regulatory approach is wrong. Your approach is regulatory in the sense that it says "No one can charge anyone for massively invading this world of the internet". No, I'm not finished. I want people to understand my position, I'm not going to take a lot of time.

They want to deliver vast amounts of information over the internet. And again, the internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck.

It's a series of tubes.

And if you don't understand those tubes can be filled and if they are filled, when you put your message in, it gets in line and its going to be delayed by anyone that puts into that tube enormous amounts of material, enormous amounts of material.

Now we have a separate Department of Defense internet now, did you know that?

Do you know why?

Because they have to have theirs delivered immediately. They can't afford getting delayed by other people.

Now I think these people are arguing whether they should be able to dump all that stuff on the internet ought to consider if they should develop a system themselves.

Maybe there is a place for a commercial net but it's not using what consumers use every day.

It's not using the messaging service that is essential to small businesses, to our operation of families.

The whole concept is that we should not go into this until someone shows that there is something that has been done that really is a violation of net neutrality that hits you and me.

Isn't it now blatantly obvious that big telecom companies should be allowed to hobble web sites which don't pay an extortionate premium? It certainly makes sense to Ted Stevens.

See you next week!

--EarlG