Episode 18: T Boone Explains the Ecology of Cash

[ThShifties]

Scene: The early hours of the morning. The Straight Talk Express pulls up in front of the home of T. Boone Pickens, legendary billionaire. A lone figure emerges and makes a dash inside. It’s John McCain, arriving for another lesson in economics.

Pickens: You look tired, boy.

McCain: You can’t imagine how many greenies I have to swallow just to get through one of those fucking town meetings.

Pickens: I thought they was your speciality.

McCain: My speciality is the afternoon nap. Now, where’d we leave off last time?
You were explaining how we’re running out of oil.

Pickens: Well, we’re not running out of oil. They’re running out of oil – they being the big oil companies. Y’see, used to be those oil boys owned rights to most of the world’s supply. Now they don’t. So they’re afraid of losin’ control of the market.

McCain: Losing control to who?

Pickens: The Russkies. The damn Iranians. And that ‘Nanner-Republic commonist down there in Venzerayla. That’s why they’re so hepped up on domestic drillin’.

McCain: Because they think that with domestic oil, they can control the supply?

Pickens: Right on, soul brother. The trick is, they got to keep the price per barrel jacked up higher’n the back end of a Beanertown Caddy. That way they can keep on makin’ that mess of cash they’re so attached to.

McCain: I guess I follow.

Pickens: See, the worst thing that could happen to Big Oil Boys is for the US to decide on government control over domestic production. Then all the money would go to the American people. And who knows what those crazy motherfuckers would decide to do with it?

McCain: But the government simply can’t interfere. This great nation is founded on private enterprise. We’re capitalists.

Pickens: Right. And also, Exxon and them other oil companies would shit out a brick big enough to sink the great state of Texas.

McCain: I knew that.

Pickens: See, John, the money from oil has to go into the pockets of a small group of people like me. So we can turn around and give it to people like you. So you can use it to make sure people like me stay rich enough to keep givin’ people like you money.

McCain: I see, I see. It’s like… ecology.

Pickens: If you mean the ecology of cash, then sure. It ain’t that complicated. I thought you went to the damn Naval Academy.

McCain: But you’re forgetting something, Boone. Everybody knows that the private sector always does a better job of innovation and development than the government. And that’s why government-run enterprises always fail.

Pickens: That’s right, Johnny. And that’s why NASA never could get us to the Moon.

McCain: confused But NASA did get us to the Moon.

Pickens: Did they? Guess I forgot.

McCain: This is so helpful. This is why I just have to be President. To preserve this great system of ours. To stave off creeping socialism. To make sure that nothing, but nothing, ever really changes. Gosh, I’m exactly the right guy for the job.

Pickens: You’re a worthy successor to President Cheney.

McCain: But he wasn’t President.

Pickens: Wasn’t he? Oh, right. I forgot.