The Top 10 Conservative Idiots, No. 363

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The Top 10 Conservative Idiots, No. 363

The Top 10 Conservative Idiots, No. 363

April 27, 2009
Ultimate Meltdown Edition

Some say that the GOP has lost its way. If by "lost its way" they mean "fallen down a two-hundred-foot flooded mineshaft where it is using the remainder of its failing strength to desperately tread water in pitch darkness as it awaits its inevitable death by drowning," then I would have to agree. Let's be honest. The Republican Party has flipped out. They've gone completely bonkers. What you are about to read is perhaps the craziest collection of conservative idiots I've ever had the misfortune to write about. Don't forget the key...

The Party Of Torture

Vampires hate sunlight, and Republican bloodsuckers were scrambling for the safety of their coffins last week after President Obama released a series of Bush Administration http://tpmmuckraker.talkingpointsmemo.com/2009/04/torture_memos_released.php">torture memos. But it didn't take long for the pushback to begin. Our Great Ex-Leader remained silent on the matter (probably because he hasn't seen the outside of a bottle of Jim Beam since January 20th) so it was up to the ever-popular Dick Cheney to catapult the GOP's pro-torture propaganda.

Cheney appeared on Fox News (natch) and in an unprecedented and unstatesmanlike bit of president-bashing http://www.swamppolitics.com/news/politics/blog/2009/04/cheney_torture_memos_miss_succ.html">told Sean Hannity that Barack Obama was making the country less safe, and that the memos ignored "the success of the effort."

Which is odd because http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/04/24/AR2009042403171.html?hpid=topnews">according to the Washington Post on April 24:

The military agency that provided advice on harsh interrogation techniques for use against terrorism suspects referred to the application of extreme duress as "torture" in a July 2002 document sent to the Pentagon's chief lawyer and warned that it would produce "unreliable information."

"The unintended consequence of a U.S. policy that provides for the torture of prisoners is that it could be used by our adversaries as justification for the torture of captured U.S. personnel," says the document, an unsigned two-page attachment to a memo by the military's Joint Personnel Recovery Agency. Parts of the attachment, obtained in full by The Washington Post, were quoted in a Senate report on harsh interrogation released this week.

Not so fast, cried Dick! "... There are reports that show specifically what we gained as a result of this activity," he told an enraptured Hannity. "They have not been declassified."

Which is odd because http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/03/28/AR2009032802066.html">according to the Washington Post on March 28:

When CIA officials subjected their first high-value captive, Abu Zubaida, to waterboarding and other harsh interrogation methods, they were convinced that they had in their custody an al-Qaeda leader who knew details of operations yet to be unleashed, and they were facing increasing pressure from the White House to get those secrets out of him.

The methods succeeded in breaking him, and the stories he told of al-Qaeda terrorism plots sent CIA officers around the globe chasing leads.

In the end, though, not a single significant plot was foiled as a result of Abu Zubaida's tortured confessions, according to former senior government officials who closely followed the interrogations. Nearly all of the leads attained through the harsh measures quickly evaporated, while most of the useful information from Abu Zubaida -- chiefly names of al-Qaeda members and associates -- was obtained before waterboarding was introduced, they said.

But never mind that - Cheney's comments had already paved the way for a whole host of GOP minions to dutifully pick up the "Yay Torture!" baton and run with it. Take for example Deroy Murdock who http://article.nationalreview.com/?q=ZjNkYmU2NWVlOWE4MTU5MjhiOGNmMWUwMjdjZjU2ZjA=">wrote in the National Review last week that:

While the White House must beware not to inform our enemies what to expect if captured, today's clueless anti-waterboarding rhetoric merits this tactic's vigorous defense. Waterboarding is something of which every American should be proud. Waterboarding makes tight-lipped terrorists talk.

Rah rah waterboarding! Okay, sure, so after World War II we may have http://www.huffingtonpost.com/paul-begala/yes-inational-reviewi-we_b_191153.html">executed Japanese soldiers who waterboarded American prisoners, but who cares about that? Waterboarding is something we should all be proud of!

Murdock went on to list a bunch of terrorist plots that torture allegedly uncovered. Which is odd because http://www.mcclatchydc.com/227/story/66895.html">according to McClatchy Newspapers:

The CIA inspector general in 2004 found that there was no conclusive proof that waterboarding or other harsh interrogation techniques helped the Bush administration thwart any "specific imminent attacks," according to recently declassified Justice Department memos.

That undercuts assertions by former vice president Dick Cheney and other former Bush administration officials that the use of harsh interrogation tactics including waterboarding, which is widely considered torture, was justified because it headed off terrorist attacks.

But there is actually plenty of evidence to indicate that torture worked exactly the way the Bush Administration wanted it to. What do I mean by that? Well, a Senate report released last week http://rawstory.com/08/blog/2009/04/21/senate-report-after-soliciting-torture-wish-list-bush-admin-ordered-chinese-communist-techniques/">revealed that:

President George W. Bush made a written determination that Common Article 3 of the Geneva Conventions, which would have afforded minimum standards for humane treatment, did not apply to al Qaeda or Taliban detainees. This act, the committee found, cleared the way for a new interrogation program to be developed in-part based on "Chinese communist" tactics used against Americans during the Korean War, mainly to elicit false confessions for propaganda purposes.

And why would the Bush Administration need to "elicit false confessions for propaganda purposes?" I'm glad you asked. McClatchy Newspapers http://www.mcclatchydc.com/227/story/66622.html">reported last week that:

The Bush administration applied relentless pressure on interrogators to use harsh methods on detainees in part to find evidence of cooperation between al Qaida and the late Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein's regime, according to a former senior U.S. intelligence official and a former Army psychiatrist.

Such information would've provided a foundation for one of former President George W. Bush's main arguments for invading Iraq in 2003. In fact, no evidence has ever been found of operational ties between Osama bin Laden's terrorist network and Saddam's regime.

(snip)

"There were two reasons why these interrogations were so persistent, and why extreme methods were used," the former senior intelligence official said on condition of anonymity because of the issue's sensitivity.

"The main one is that everyone was worried about some kind of follow-up attack (after 9/11). But for most of 2002 and into 2003, Cheney and Rumsfeld, especially, were also demanding proof of the links between al Qaida and Iraq that (former Iraqi exile leader Ahmed) Chalabi and others had told them were there."

It was during this period that CIA interrogators waterboarded two alleged top al Qaida detainees repeatedly - Abu Zubaydah at least 83 times in August 2002 and Khalid Sheik Muhammed 183 times in March 2003 - according to a newly released Justice Department document.

(snip)

A former U.S. Army psychiatrist, Maj. Charles Burney, told Army investigators in 2006 that interrogators at the Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, detention facility were under "pressure" to produce evidence of ties between al Qaida and Iraq.

"While we were there a large part of the time we were focused on trying to establish a link between al Qaida and Iraq and we were not successful in establishing a link between al Qaida and Iraq," Burney told staff of the Army Inspector General. "The more frustrated people got in not being able to establish that link ... there was more and more pressure to resort to measures that might produce more immediate results."

Starting to connect the dots yet?

Banana Republicans

At least the GOP's talking points machine is still running full steam ahead. Check out this parade of hapless torture apology from the past seven days:

"Well, we shouldn't criminalize legal advice ... It makes us look ... like a banana republic, where each succeeding administration looks backwards." -- Radio host http://mediamatters.org/items/200904230033?f=h_latest">Bill Cunningham, April 21

"What the Obama administration has done in the last several days is very dangerous. What they've essentially said is, if we have policy disagreements with our predecessors, what we're going to do is we're going to turn ourselves into the moral equivalent of a Latin American country run by colonels in mirrored sunglasses, and what we're gonna do is prosecute systematically the previous administration or threaten prosecutions against the previous administration based on policy differences." -- http://mediamatters.org/items/200904230033?f=h_latest">Karl Rove, April 21

"All I hear is a bunch of mealy-mouthed complaining about how this prosecution threat is unprecedented and we don't need to investigate past administrations like they do in, you know, these Third World, you know, dictatorships, which by the way, is a great point." -- http://mediamatters.org/items/200904230033?f=h_latest">Sean Hannity, April 22

"If there is evidence of criminality, then the Attorney General has the full authority and should prosecute it. But going after the prior administration sounds like something they do in Latin America in banana republics." -- http://firstread.msnbc.msn.com/archive/2009/04/22/1903877.aspx">Sen. Arlen Specter, April 22

"In banana republics, this week's president for life takes over, and he decides that all the fellows that supported last week's president for life are now criminals, and he prosecutes them. And that's what -- that's what the Obama administration has done." -- Radio host http://mediamatters.org/items/200904230033?f=h_latest">Mark Steyn, April 23

"Your principles as the president of the United States needs to be, we don't make ourselves into a banana republic." -- http://mediamatters.org/items/200904230033?f=h_latest">Glenn Beck, April 23

"This whole thing about punishing people in past administrations reminds me more of a banana republic than the United States of America." -- http://blogs.riverfronttimes.com/dailyrft/2009/04/kit_bond_obamas_investigation_like_a_banana_republic.php">Sen. Kit Bond, April 23

"It adds fuel to the fire for demands for criminalizing the legal advice that the president was given. We set that kind of precedent, we're no better than a banana republic." -- http://tpmtv.talkingpointsmemo.com/?id=2419468">Sen. John McCain, April 24

So let me get this straight... if we torture prisoners, we're living in a shining city on a hill.

But if we investigate and prosecute those responsible for torture, we're living in a banana republic.

No wonder people have stopped taking Republicans seriously.

Peter King

Be careful though - if this whole torture unpleasantness goes on for too long, the GOP may throw a hissy-fit. http://www.politico.com/blogs/glennthrush/0409/King_Torture_trial_should_spark_scorched_earth_.html">According to Politico:

New York Republican Rep. Peter King thinks his party needs to go nuke if Bush era officials are prosecuted on torture charges.

King, the outspoken ranking member of the House homeland security committee, said Republicans should "shut (legislative) activity across the board" if any Bush-era officials are hauled into court.

"We would need to have a scorched-earth policy and use procedural means to bring the place to a halt - go to war," he told POLITICO.

Meanwhile, at GOPHQ...

STRATEGIST #1: I've got an idea. The American people are crying out right now for childish partisanship, political games, and do-nothingism.

STRATEGIST #2: I know, right? Did you catch the tea parties on Fox News? Rush Limbaugh said there were like five million people there just... protesting stuff. This is a real grassroots phenomenon!

STRATEGIST #1: It sure is. But you heard that the Justice Department might prosecute members of the Bush administration for authorizing the illegal torture of prisoners?

STRATEGIST #2: I did. Rush Limbaugh said yesterday that this so-called "torture" was really effective and helped us stop dozens of terror plots, and also it was just frat pranks that didn't hurt anybody.

STRATEGIST #1: That's right. So here's the plan: if the Justice Department prosecutes any members of the Bush administration, we'll shut down the government!

STRATEGIST #2: Clever! Because the American people think that torture is great - and they really liked the Bush adminstration!

STRATEGIST #1: You got it! So even though we're the ones responsible, the people are bound to blame the Democrats!

STRATEGIST #2: Brilliant! Rush Limbaugh said Americans hate the Democrats!

STRATEGISTS #1 AND #2: A-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

The GOP

The defense of torture isn't the only issue on which the GOP may stake its reputation on this year. How about opposition to healthcare reform? It seems that without Republican support, the Dems may have to use the budget reconciliation process to get healthcare reform passed on an up-or-down vote this year. But look out! http://www.openleft.com/diary/13008/republicans-threaten-to-turn-into-even-bigger-assholes">According to Roll Call (via Open Left):

The GOP might first go after White House nominations. Republicans could require each appointee to get a separate hearing and a separate roll call vote. They could stop attending committee hearings, and decline to provide "unanimous consent" to move forward on even the most benign issues or routine Senate business. Republicans could also demand that the text of bills, which are often hundreds of pages long, be read aloud.

Meanwhile, at GOPHQ...

STRATEGIST #2: So I guess our pro-torture strategy didn't test very well. Got anything else?

STRATEGIST #1: I do, and I think you're going to like it. Let's go all-out in opposition to the Democrats' healthcare plan!

STRATEGIST #2: Great idea! Rush Limbaugh said Americans hate healthcare!

STRATEGIST #1: I know. So get this - if Obama tries to maneuver around us by using the budget reconciliation process, we'll shut down the government!

STRATEGIST #2: Genius!

STRATEGIST #1: And the people will blame the Democrats!

STRATEGISTS #1 AND #2: A-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

The RNC

Just in case that doesn't work, the GOP does indeed have a Plan C. http://blog.oregonlive.com/mapesonpolitics/2009/04/gop_fights_over_labeling_democ.html">According to The Oregonian:

I think it's safe to say that Republican activists and officials have been pretty harsh in their criticism of President Obama and the Democratic majority in Congress. But a group of Republican National Committee members claims that GOP Chairman Michael Steele hasn't gone far enough.

Twenty-three RNC members - including two from Oregon and one from Washington - are sponsoring a resolution that puts the Republican Party on record charging that the Democratic Party is "dedicated to restructuring American society along socialist ideals."

The resolution further calls on Democrats to "rename themselves the Democratic Socialist Party."

Meanwhile, at GOPHQ...

STRATEGIST #2: This shutting down the government thing doesn't seem to be testing well at all. Do you have any other ideas?

STRATEGIST #1: Yes I do - and this one can't fail. You know how Rush Limbaugh says the Democrats are socialists?

STRATEGIST #2: I certainly do.

STRATEGIST #1: Well let's sponsor a resolution to force the Democratic Party to change its name to the Democratic Socialist Party!

STRATEGIST #2: Perfect! Once they're forced to change the name of their party, surely the American people will wake up and start voting Republican again!

STRATEGISTS #1 AND #2: A-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

John Ensign

Last week President Obama went to the Summit of the Americas in Trinidad and Tobago where OMG!!!!111 he shook hands with Hugo Chavez.

That right folks - our president hates America. How dare he attend a conference of heads of state and then shake hands with one of the other heads of state who was in attendance. This is borderline treason.

George W. Bush would have slapped that guy right in the face, just like he did when he met the unelected president of communist China:

Um... I swear to god, moments after that picture was taken Bush pushed Hu Jintao to the ground and teabagged him while chanting "U! S! A! ... U! S! A!"

Of course the wingnuts went into overdrive after this latest "outrage" (hey, maybe Obama wasn't really shaking hands with Chavez - maybe he was handing off his Kenyan birth certificate for safe keeping!) but some who really should know a lot better decided to wade into the fray. Take Sen. John Ensign (R-Obviously) for example, who http://www.ktnv.com/Global/story.asp?S=10211028">said of the incident:

Republican Senator, John Ensign, of Nevada says it's irresponsible for the president to be acting that way.

"I think it was irresponsible for the president to be seen kind of laughing and joking with Hugo Chavez," he said.

I'll tell you what's irresponsible, senator - opening your trap before engaging your brain cell.

Oh look! Here's Richard Nixon shaking hands with communist dictator Mao Tse-Tung!

And who's this? Why, it's Gerald Ford shaking hands with communist dictator Leonid Brezhnev!

And here comes Donald Rumsfeld shaking hands with Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein!

And don't forget George W. Bush shaking hands with communist dictator Islam Karimov, who likes to http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Islom_Karimov#Human_rights_and_press_freedom">boil people to death!

Meanwhile, at GOPHQ...

STRATEGIST #2: I've got it! Rush Limbaugh said that Obama's handshake with Chavez literally spells the end for our great Republic! So...

STRATEGIST #1: You know, I'm starting to wonder whether Rush Limbaugh really knows what he's talking about.

STRATEGIST #2: Oh God... you fool...

(the door opens)

BURLY MAN HOLDING A BAT AND WEARING A "CLUB GITMO" T-SHIRT: I'm gonna have to ask you to step outside sir.

Rush Limbaugh

Shortly after the recent resolution of the pirate hostage situation off the coast of Somalia, Rush Limbaugh showed off the skills that have made him the Republican Party's leading voice. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/04/24/shane-murphy-freed-pirate_n_191290.html">According to the Huffington Post:

Limbaugh made the remark to suggest why President Obama might have appeared preoccupied at church on the day of the operation to rescue the ship's captain, who was taken hostage by the pirates until Navy SEAL snipers shot them in a daring rescue effort.

"He was worried about the order he had given to wipe out three teenagers on the high seas," Limbaugh said. "Black Muslim teenagers."

With rhetoric like that, it's no wonder Republican leaders are falling all over themselves to kowtow at the feet of Mr. Limbaugh. But at least one person was a tad disappointed with Rush's remarks: Shane Murphy, first mate of the ship that was captured by the pirates.

"It feels great to be home," said Murphy in an interview with WCBV in Boston. "It feels like everyone around here has my back, with the exception of Rush Limbaugh, who is trying to make this into a race issue...that's disgusting."

Rush was about to respond, but was interrupted when Eric Cantor and Michael Steele showed up to give him his weekly spa treatment.

Rick Perry

Just two short weeks ago, Texas governor Rick Perry appeared at a Teabag rally and announced that secession is on the table. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/04/15/gov-rick-perry-texas-coul_n_187490.html">According to the Huffington Post:

Later, answering news reporters' questions, Perry suggested Texans might at some point get so fed up they would want to secede from the union, though he said he sees no reason why Texas should do that.

"There's a lot of different scenarios," Perry said. "We've got a great union. There's absolutely no reason to dissolve it. But if Washington continues to thumb their nose at the American people, you know, who knows what might come out of that."

Uh oh! Better buck up your ideas, Washington, or Texas might take its ball and go home!

Or not. http://www.sanmarcosrecord.com/local/local_story_115145845.html">According to the San Marcos Daily Record last week:

Gov. Rick Perry today in a precautionary measure requested the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) provide 37,430 courses of antiviral medications from the Strategic National Stockpile to Texas to prevent the spread of swine flu. Currently, three cases of swine flu have been confirmed in Texas.

Tsk tsk. I must say, Perry is going to have a hard time seceding if he can't pry his lips from the government teat. C'mon Rick, pull yourself up by the bootstraps and manufacture your own damn antiviral medications.

Mitt Romney

Last week Mitt Romney sold one of his multi-million dollar mansions, the second multi-million dollar mansion he has sold in the past month. Poor guy must be down on his luck - apparently the economy is hitting him hard too. And now the Romneys only have two multi-million dollar mansions left. Won't somebody think of the multi-millionaires?

Of course the other explanation is that Mitt wants to run for president in 2012 and thinks the public will look much more fondly upon a man who only has two multi-million dollar mansions as opposed to four. As Slate http://www.slate.com/id/2216814">notes:

In the run-up to the 2008 primaries, Romney gave himself a conservative makeover, trading in the moderate stands he had been forced to assume to run for office in Massachusetts. This time, with his conservative credentials in order, he seems to be eyeing a different transformation - from master of the universe to man of the people.

Yes indeed, these mansion sales could be just the beginning of Mitt Romney's latest political metamorphosis. By the time the election rolls around expect him to be working as a black community organizer on the south side of Chicago.

Teabaggers

And finally, the Teabag storyline has been done to death over the past couple of weeks, but I thought it was worth revisiting one particular incident from Teabag Day which to me summed up the whole sorry affair. http://www.nbcwashington.com/news/local/1-Million-Tea-Bags-but-No-Place-to-Dump.html">According to NBC News Washington:

It was a great idea, really. Take a million tea bags and dump them in Lafayette Park to protest government spending. Hip, hip, hoo-ray!

But a funny thing happened en route to a visually pleasing Tax Day protest. The National Park Service said the tea party protesters didn't have the proper permit to dump their bags.

So instead of a raucous visual demonstration, all that was left were images of the tea party packing up their boxes of tea on a cold, soggy day in D.C.

(snip)

A local think tank, the Competitive Enterprise Institute, said it would allow the dumping of the tea bags in its 12th floor conference room instead.

Oh the irony. It's a good job these clowns weren't at the original Boston Tea Party or we'd be singing "God Save The Queen" at baseball games. This is their idea of an anti-government protest? Preparing to dump a million teabags in Lafayette Park, and then when The Man shows up and asks for a permit, meekly backing down, packing all your teabags away, and going home?

William F. Buckley once famously wrote that the conservative National Review "stands athwart history, yelling Stop, at a time when no one is inclined to do so."

Today's conservative movement apparently stands athwart a mirror trying to find its ass with both hands.

The Top 10 will return in two weeks, on May 10. See you then!

-- EarlG