|
The division of the human family into its two distinct branches occurred some 10,000 years ago, a few hundred years after the flood. Humans coexisted as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers.
In the pivotal event of societal evolution, beer was invented. This
epochal innovation was both the foundation of modern civilization and the occasion of the great bifurcation of humanity into its two distinct subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain, and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle or aluminum can had yet been invented, so it was necessary to stick pretty close to the brewery.
That's how villages were formed. Some men spent their days killing animals to barbecue at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of the conservative movement.
These men enjoyed going out and hunting by themselves ... often, (but apprently often enough) they did not return. When they did, they were too tired to barbeque, so they slapped around the women until they, too, learned how to barbeque. That was how wife beating was invented.
(As an interesting side note, this was also how medicine was invented. Women, who gathered nuts, berries, and other plants of the earth, discovered that some had beneficial qualities--they were poisonous and could be used to kill conservative men when they were slipped into their beer or barbeque. Most folks don't know that hops in beer was originally believed to reduce sex drive and cause long, slow, agonizing death. Sadly, we now know it doesn't. But, this practice of medicine--and poisoning--led the conservative men to prohibit women from being educated.)
While the women cooked, the conservative men drank ... and drank ... and drank (not unlike the hey day of a certain current selected president) ... now, since the trailer park and aluminum lawn chair had not yet been invented, they passed out right in front of the fire.
Now, these big stupid brutes were far too heavy and prone to violence to move to a safer and more discrete location, so many of them (but clearly not enough) burned to death as well.
Now, a smarter group of men saw the obvious mistakes the conservative men were making when beating women, dying from hunting alone, passing out in front of the fire, and--strangest of all--occassionally mysteriously dying from drinking beer. These men took some time to figure out a better way to do things, such as working together when hunting and treating women--and even those men among them who had no need for women--with respect. This was the birth of the liberal movement.
Now, when the liberal men went out in groups to hunt, the conservative men said they couldn't go and hunt---they had "other priorities," or "bad backs," or "weak knees," or fathers who got them jobs hunting less dangerous animials--though it was clear that even those jobs often went undone. Sure, some liberal men died, since even their plan of cooperation and teamwork was not perfect, but the conservative men had no reservations at all about sending wave after wave of liberal men out to gather their food for them.
The women saw the successes of the liberal men and, in addition to willingly teaching them all the sexual secrets they knew (and thus every position beyond the standard face-to-face missionary was invented), they decided that they, too, might like to hunt. The liberal men were happy to have them along, as they enjoyed the companionship of the women ... unlike those conservative men who formed clubs and societies that kept women out, preferring instead the company of other men--and thus "golf" was invented.
When the conservative men discovered that the women were better hunters than they were, they tried to discredit the women. The called them "manly" and "homely" and "femi-Nazi." Of course, when measured against the masculinity of the average conservative man, they did have a good point. However, liberal men realized that women had many, many gifts beyond cooking, raising children, and making terrific cocktails. (They also by this time figured out what was going on with those mysterious beer deaths, but they kept their mouths shut.)
The liberal men thought it would be wise to try to emulate the ways of the woman and learn to cook, raise children, and make terrific cocktails themselves, lest they end up like the bitter and bedraggled conservative men--desparately cruising for young, empty-headed bimbos who could be trained to parrot their own narrow-minded ways--and thus Ann Coulter was invented--once their own women wised up and left them.
So now it has come to pass that we have two kinds of men in America--the highly evolved, multi-talented, team-playing liberal man and, well, Dick Cheney.
|
Printer-friendly format
Email this thread to a friend
Bookmark this thread
(1000+ posts)
Send PM |
Profile |
Ignore
