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Excerpted:
Abusive people typically think they are unique, really so different from
other people that they don't have to follow the same rules everyone else
does.
Excuse Making
Instead of accepting responsibility for his actions, the abuser tries to
justify his behavior with excuses.
Blaming
The abuser shifts responsibility for his actions away from himself and
onto others, a shift that allows him to justify his abuse because the
other person supposedly "caused" his behavior.
Redefining
In a variation on the tactic of blaming, the abuser redefines the
situation so that the problem is not with him but with others or with the
outside world in general.
Success Fantasies
The abuser believes he would be rich, famous, or extremely successful if
only other people weren't "holding me back."
Lying
The abuser controls the situation by lying to control the information
available. The abuser also may use lying to keep other people, including
his victim, off-balance psychologically.
Assuming
Abusive people often assume they know what others are thinking or
feeling. Their assumption allows them to justify their behavior because
they "know" what the other person would think or do in a given situation.
Above the Rules
As mentioned earlier, an abuser generally believes he is better than
other people and so does not have to follow the rules that ordinary
people do.
Making Fools of Others
The abuser combines tactics to manipulate others. The tactics include
lying, upsetting the other person just to watch his or her reactions, and
encouraging a fight between or among others.
Fragmentation
The abuser usually keeps his abusive behavior separate from the rest of
his life. The separation is physical; for example, he will beat up family
members but not people outside his home.
Minimizing
The abuser ducks responsibility for his actions by trying to make them
seem less important than they are.
Vagueness
Thinking and speaking vaguely lets the abuser avoid responsibility. For
example, "I'm late because I had some things to do on the way home."
Anger
Abusive people are not actually angrier than other people.
Power Plays
The abuser uses various tactics to power trip others.
Playing Victim
Occasionally the abuser will pretend to be helpless or will act
persecuted in order to manipulate others into helping him.
Drama and Excitement
Abusive people often make the choice not to have close relationships with
other people.
Closed Channel
The abusive person does not tell much about himself and his real
feelings.
Ownership
The abuser typically is very possessive.
Self-glorification
The abuser usually thinks of himself as strong, superior, independent,
self-sufficient, and very masculine.