Humor break: smart-ass comments from the various late-night TV talk shows.

[NightTrain]

"A new poll says that if the election were held today, John Kerry would beat President Bush by a double digit margin. The White House is so worried about this, they're now thinking of moving up the capture of Osama Bin Laden to next month." -- Jay Leno


"President Bush has unveiled his first campaign commercial, highlighting all of his accomplishments in office. That's why it's a 60-second spot." -- Jay Leno


"President Bush says he has just one question for the American voters, 'Is the rich person you're working for better off now than they were four years ago?'" -- Jay Leno


"Kerry is well on his way to reaching his magic number of 2,162. That's the total number of delegates he needs to win the Democratic nomination. See, for President Bush it's different. His magic number is only 5. That's the number of Supreme Court judges needed to win." -- Jay Leno


"There was a scare in Washington when a man climbed over the White House wall and was arrested. This marks the first time a person has gotten into The White House unlawfully since President Bush." -- David Letterman


"The White House is now backtracking from its prediction that 2.6 million new jobs will be created in the U.S. this year. They say they were off, by roughly 2.6 million jobs." -- Jay Leno


"President Bush said he was 'troubled' by gay people getting married in San Francisco. He said on important issues like this the people should make the decision, not judges. Unless of course we're choosing a president, then he prefers judges." -- Jay Leno


"There was an embarrassing moment in the White House earlier today. They were looking around searching for George Bush's military records. They actually found some old Al Gore ballots." -- David Letterman


"On 'Meet the Press' yesterday, President Bush was asked what he would do if he lost the election, and Bush said, 'Shhh, you mean like last time?'" -- Jay Leno


"This week, both John Kerry and Wesley Clark are making campaign appearances with the guys who saved their lives in Vietnam. Meanwhile, President Bush is campaigning with a guy that once took a math test for him." -- Conan O'Brien


"President Bush released his new $2.4 trillion federal budget. It has two parts: smoke and mirrors." -- Jay Leno


"President Bush said that American workers will need new skills to get the new jobs in the 21st century. Some of the skills they're going to need are Spanish, Chinese, and Korean, because that's where the jobs went." -- Jay Leno


"The U.S. Army confirmed that it gave a lucrative fighting contract in Iraq to the firm once run by Vice President Dick Cheney without any competitive bidding. When asked if this could be conceived as Cheney's friends profiting from the war, the spokesman said, 'Yes.'" -- Conan O'Brien


"Dick Cheney finally responded today to demands that he reveal the details of the Enron meetings. This is what he said. 'He met with unnamed people, from unspecified companies, for an indeterminate amount of time, at an undisclosed location.' Thank God he cleared that up." -- Jay Leno


"Plans are being discussed as to who will replace Dick Cheney if he has to resign for health reasons. It's not easy for President Bush. He can't just name a replacement. He would first have to be confirmed by the oil, gas and power companies." -- Jay Leno


"President Bush spoke briefly to reporters before playing a round of golf in Crawford, Texas, earlier today. This raises the question: Shouldn't the guy who is really running the country and who has had like 20 heart attacks be taking the vacation?" -- Craig Kilborn


"The White House has now released military documents they say prove George Bush met his requirements for the National Guard. Big deal, we've got documents that prove Al Gore won the election." -- Jay Leno

[stranger_with_candy]

1. Leno

"President Bush has unveiled his first campaign commercial, highlighting all of his accomplishments in office. That's why it's a 60-second spot." -- Jay Leno

60 seconds seems like too long to me!!

[tuvor]

2. Thanks for the larf! n/t

[Sporadicus]

3. I'm not a Late-Night Afficianado

but the last time I heard from Leno, wasn't he cracking wise for the 'pugs? Maybe he senses which way the wind is blowing and has decided to curry favor with President Kerry (DAMN I love typing that!).

[jeff30997]

4. My thoughts exactly.

[Tactical Progressive]

7. I don't think Leno is even close to being Republican

I'd guess moderate Democrat in general, from the sensibilities of his political material. He'll make fun of any politician but he seems to know who really gets screwed in the end, and you really don't get that in a winger.

I think three things lend to the impression that many here have had that Leno is a winger.

First, he just couldn't get enough blowjob jokes. He has like a fourteen-year old's sense of blue material and when the Republicans went after Clinton, he had unlimited license to tell blowjob jokes and anything even remotely related to such, all night long to a national audience. He was like a kid in a candy store that just won't leave.

They started grating on me in short order, but middle-class America couldn't get enough. I thought that there were so many bj jokes that the negative effect was for all intents and purposes, not only nullified, but inverted. That is to say that Clinton's Monica affair became such grist that the constant jokes effectively mooted the act iteslf. It became too inconsequential for an impeachment on it to be anything but a joke.

At any rate, Leno's bj barbs, as obsessive as he was in belting them out, were all about jokes, not Republican moralizing.

Second, 9/11. I think after 9/11 Leno just fell into the entire misplaced cultural delusion, fully supported by all American media, of Winston Bushill and respect for the President in a time of war. That's not an excuse, in fact America was sick in behaving that way, but I don't think it makes Leno into a Republican to have succumbed to the conventional mindset at the time.

Lastly, Arnold. Arnold and Jay go way back and they're both Hollywood. Additionally, Jay seemed rather uncomfortable in even mildly supporting Arnold throughout. I got the distinct impression right from the start that he really wasn't even that happy in having his show host Arnold's intention to run. Overall, there wasn't much there, and what there was appeared to be mostly personal support, not ideological support.

I don't know for sure, but again, from everything I've seen Leno do, he's probably a centrist Democrat for the most part.

[Tactical Progressive]

8. You know, it just struck me

that comedians in general are kind of the opposite of Republicans in spirit. Comedy is about seeing two entirely different realities within one situation, and making unexpected, sarcastic and witty transitions between them.

Quick now, what kind of people see things one way, and only one way? And get mad if they have to listen to anything else?

[Kinkistyle]

9. Shrub is a comedian.

Of the Don Rickles variety. In other words, he belittles and makes fun of people based on stereotypes or perceived flaws.

Thats probably how he got to where he is. The big jester who made it because he shared the same sense of humour as the bigots who run things.

[charlie105]

13. I would agree. I watch Leno almost every night and he's an

equal opportunity mocker.
If anything, I would assume his material on Bush is more damaging than that of Kerry. His jokes about Kerry revolve around his big head/ hair and the fact that he married a heiress. Also his 'waffling'. But the material on Bush is about the screw-up in Iraq, his ties to big industry, his stealing the elections, his sops for the rich, his mangling of the English language, his vacations and Cheney's evil influence etc. So, on balance, I would think he's more favorable to the Kerry camp.

[DeepModem Mom]

5. Good trend here -- thanks, NT!

[Andromeda]

6. This is my favorite.

The White House is now backtracking from its prediction that 2.6 million new jobs will be created in the U.S. this year. They say they were off, by roughly 2.6 million jobs." -- Jay Leno

I thought Leno was a Bush shill. He must have put his finger in the wind and realized it's blowing in the other direction now.

[AmerDem]

10. Great Stuff!

:yourock:

[Keirsey]

11. Top Ten George W. Bush Complaints About "Fahrenheit 9/11"

10. That actor who played the President was totally unconvincing

9. It oversimplified the way I stole the election

8. Too many of them fancy college-boy words

7. If Michael Moore had waited a few months, he could have included the part where I get him deported

6. Didn't have one of them hilarious monkeys who smoke cigarettes and gives people the finger

5. Of all Michael Moore's accusations, only 97% are true

4. Not sure - - I passed out after a piece of popcorn lodged in my windpipe

3. Where the hell was Spider-man?

2. Couldn't hear most of the movie over Cheney's foul mouth

1. I thought this was supposed to be about Dodgeball

[AmerDem]

12. LOL

:toast: