Dispute resolution & dealing with other "-isms"

[H2O Man]

Guidelines For Discussing Differences of Opinion

Any time two or more people are involved in an on-going relationship, (including families, places of employment, neighborhoods, and even internet discussion forums) there will be differences of opinion. If certain behaviors occure when these differences are discussed, there will be arguments, hostility, and other unhealthy functions within that relationship. Also, the differences will not only not be resolved, they will fester.

Likewise, there are certains behaviors that help facilitate a discussion in a healthy way, so that differences of opinion can be considered without arguments and hostilities. When I worked with populations with high rates of domestic violence and incarceration, I found they had extremely unhealthy methods for resolving disputes. I went to a series of extensive trainings provided by a Quaker group, which focused on "dispute resolution."

The following "guidelines" came from those and other related sources.

(1) Clarify as much as possible the nature of the differences.

(2) Do not bring up past mistakes or situations. Focus on the issues at hand.

(3) Do not cite other peoples' behaiors. The obvious example is a teen who says, "But everyone else gets to do it."

(4) If another person brings in irrelavant material (from #2 & 3) , do not address it. Either state, "That has nothing to do with this discussion," or ignore it and go back to the problem at hand.

(5) Do not be accusatory in any way.

(6) Do not label or use name-calling. Saying "that's stupid" or worse, "you're stupid" does not resolve problems.

(7) Do not try to place blame on anyone else.

(8) If it is "in person" or on the phone (not on a computer screen) do not speak too loudly or too softly. Speak in a medium tone.

(9) Avoid using words or phrases that sound hostile, condescending, irritable, or sarcastic.

(10) Seek to resolve differences by finding common ground.

(11) Look and reach for something good in the other person's beliefs.

(12) Listen before making any decisions.

(13) Base your position on the truth. Don't lie to "win."

(14) Be ready to admit if you are wrong. We are all wrong sometimes.

(15) Risk being creative to avoid being angry.

(16) Use surprise and humor.

(17) Learn to trust your inner sense of when to act.

(18) Learn to trust your inner sense of when to hold your tongue.

(19) Be patient and persistant.

(20) Build community based upon honesty, respect, and caring.

We are all human, and no one is perfect. But if we try to keep to these basic guidelines, we find less arguments and hostilities in our communications. Remember that wanting to resolve differences, to make up, and even to apoligize does not mean that you are wrong or that you agree with the other person's point of view. In many cases, there is no simple right or wrong. The purpose of discussions should not be to violently contest differences of opinion.


Addressing the "-isms"

Although we try to avoid the "-isms" that create social pathology,(such as rasism, sexism, militarism, materialism, etc) on DU and in our daily life, we live in a world where that is almost impossible. It is comperable to living near a toxic landfill: although we oppose the dumping of toxic wastes, some may have seeped from the industry's property into our well. Then, just by drinking our own water, or eating produce from our garden, we ingest a small level of contamination. It is very hard not to have ingested a small amount of some of the social contaminations that pollute American culture, even though we consciously oppose them.

We have made false barriers. The lines that separate one state from another, or one county from another, exist only in our minds. Likewise, we have false "-isms" -- such as racism, or nationalism -- that separate us in an unnatural way. There is no such thing as race. It exists only as a human conception. There is only one race -- the human race.

At times, questions involving racism and sexism have been discussed and deleted on DU. People become angry. Tempers flare. No one wants to think they have ingested racism unknowingly, any more than they want to think they have accumulated PCBs in their body tissues. Yet we have evidence or racism and sexism throughout our society. I propose that we use the guidelines for discussing differences when these subjects arise.

Again: there is no such thing as race. There are families, extended families, clans, and tribes, and these often form nation-states. So today, we find that the conflicts around the globe are almost entirely based upon tribalism. There are several major tribes of human-kind: the black, brown, red, yellow, and white tribes have lived and interacted throughout history. In America, the white tribe came in large numbers after 1500. They stole the red tribes lands, and used forced labor from the black tribes.

Those European white clans had plenty of fights. The English fight the French, who fights the Germans, and on and on. But when a non-white tribe conflicts with the whites, those whites have always gotten together to fight as a united front. And for several centuries, they've ruled the world. Today that's changing. The brown tribes have the biggest oil supplies. The yellow tribes are challenging for control of huge segments of "high" technology.

In the United States, many of the white tribe fear the growing numbers of black, brown, red and yellow peoples holding high positions. There is one group of the white tribe that represents this fear the most. It's the republican party. And the republican party tries to fool those tribes of color. They get a black woman or a brown man to join their club. And then when we have a discussion on DU, even people that don't realize they have ingested some PCBs or "-isms" will make sincere comments, but that can strike others peoples from those other tribes as contaminated.

We need to move beyond this. We need to move beyond seeing ourselves in limited terms of Germans, Americans, French, Latins, Dutch, Russians or Chinese. We are Christians, Muslims, Jews, Buddhists, atheist; democrats or republicans; liberals, conservatives. These are all human-made boundries that restrict our human potential.

We will not resolve the problems our nation faces by thinking in such limited terms. I am hoping that between now and November, we can discuss some of these issues. Because when the democrats take back the White House, the real work begins. The republican administration has created massive toxic waste dump sites around the globe. We're going to have to learn to work together as the human race to clean up their mess.

[Cyrano]

1. How effective would Gandi, or Martin Luther King have been

in Hitler's Germany?

While your comments preach patience and tolerance, Republicans will see this as weakness and trample us to death.

The time may come when practicing what you suggest is appropriate. But kind words and understanding do not turn aside a steam roller. Today, those with whom we are dealing are totally ruthless and have no consciences.

[H2O Man]

2. Certainly we are not in Nazi Germany.

There are very good reasons to look at actual historical evidence, but to say that what we face in America vs the republican party is equal to Nazi German overlooks, for example, that we are having an election.

The strength of your point would be that the greater the hatred and anger in America, the more the Bush administration benefits. The more reason and logic is applied, the more unlikely the Bush administration can maintain power.

You are correct in saying they are totally ruthless and have no conscience. Yet we will not "defeat" them by becoming totally ruthless and having no conscience.

Republicans may see patience and tolerance as weakness. Yet we will not create a styrong democratic front by becoming intolerant. We will not create a tolerant society by adopting their pathologies.

In fact, the last thing the republican national committee wants to see is a focused, disciplined democratic front. What the republican convention, and see what FOX News reports. They will attempt to make the demonstrators appear intolerant and impatient.

[Cyrano]

3. I agree that demonstrators at the GOP convention will make us look bad

My biggest fear is that Rove/DeLay et al will have agent provocateurs out there inciting violence and we will see a replay of Chicago in 1968.

Also, my comparisons to Hitler's Germany are to the Germany of the '30s, not the '40s. Today's brown-shirt barbarians are using many of the same tactics to intimidate and instill fear in the public.

The most urgent issue of the day is for the majority of Americans to see these people for what they are before any possible permutation of a 1940s Germany can come about.

And once again, the reasonableness you state in your initial posting just won't work in today's atmosphere. Not that I have the answer of what will work, except to keep up a non-stop attack against the lies and crimes being committed against us by this criminal administration.

[H2O Man]

4. You make some very good points.

I used to work with some of the most pathologically violent families in central NYS. And when I would go into their homes, family members would often say, "What you are saying is fine for fairy tales, but it won't work here. Our family is too violent, etc etc." And too be very honest, those family members were part-way right. Because no matter what we could possible do, some family member -- often Dad, but it could be Mom, Uncle Carl, a brother, or a couple family members -- were so violent and mean, that they weren't going to change.

Yet we are responsible for ourselves. And once we, (including the "we" in those violent families that had had more than enough, and wanted to have some sense of normalcy), begin to act in a certain manner, you are right -- there will be a violent reaction. But when we take the steps towards stabalizing, and refusing to use violence for any reason other than self-defense, the family system changes. It often means the violent offender must move on. Bye, Dad. And that's what we need to do. We need to evict the violent people from political office.

I realize this sounds simplistic. Oddly, the solutions to complex problems often are. I've had decades of experience with people as morally corrupt as Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld, and the others in this administration. We need to attempt to use the same methods on a national level. It is not perfect, but it holds more promise than any other alternative.

[Cyrano]

5. I admire your idealism, however,

getting the violent psychopaths currently in power to move on means beating them at the polls this November.

And I for one, have no confidence in our electoral system. This comes from living in Florida where Jeb is, once again, well on the way to helping his malignant sibling steal it. Black voters and volunteers in the Tampa area are being intimidated by Jeb's storm troopers who are paying visits to their homes in an ongoing "investigation" concerning absentee ballots cast during an election last spring.

Bob Herbert in the NY Times has covered what's going on down here. And anyone who believes that Florida is the only place that this kind of voter intimidation is going on, is a fool.

The point is, THESE PEOPLE WILL DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO WIN OR STEAL THIS ELECTION.

So let's just play by the rules, be honorable, sane, human beings and rely on the innate goodness of human nature? Millions did so at one time and wondered why there was gas pouring into the group shower room.

[H2O Man]

6. Ah! Florida!

Great example of the criminal mentality of the republicans. Here is the best example of our need to clean our own house, so to speak. Why haven't our democratic leaders spoken up about the violations of voting rights there? Here we have -- without ANY debate -- a situation where tens of thousands of black voters were disenfranchised simply because the governor and Kathleen Harris knew they tended to vote for democrats.

Now, if a foreign force attempted to keep tens of thousands of white republicans from voting, we know that our elected officials in Washington DC would be doing cartwheels. They'd be ready to drop bombs.

But when black people are illegally kept from voting, it's not viewed the same. And that's one of the issues that the democrats need to be confronting. We need to be dealing with it head-on. Even if we're white and live in New York, or yellow and live in California, or red and live in South Dakota, or brown and live in New Mexico, we need to pressure our party to take a firm stance about our black brothers and sisters and aunts and uncles and cousins in Florida.

That's part of dispute resolution. In a violent family, there's always a lying, trouble-making SOB, creating divisions. We have plenty of them in the national family. Dispute resolution leads to finding what unites us, in order to resolve -- often by confronting -- those who create divisions.

I've sent numerous letters and e-mails to democratic officials about the Florida business. I wish people across the country had.

[Cyrano]

7. The simple truth is, they are in power and we're not

As Bush sneered at someone (a reporter?) at a campaign rally a few months back, "Who cares what you think?"

Congressman Robert Wexler of Palm Beach County, and many other Florida Democrats have been fighting for what seems to be a lost cause down here.

Greg Palast has written volumes that document how the last election was stolen in Florida.

Yet, most Americans snooze while their country, their heritage and basic constitutional freedoms are being shredded.

Among the greatest culprits are Republican politicians who "get it," are disgusted by what they see going on, yet remain silent. To paraphrase a German general, there won't be anyone left to speak up for these Republicans when this regime decides to come for them.

But the larger point is, you can't do much when the Republicans have the majority of senate/house votes (both in Florida and in Washington), the (liberal???) media ignores what Democrats have to say, and Scalia/Rehnquist/Thomas/Kennedy/O'Conner are the referees.

[stavka]

8. American "Heritage" and "Values" - are little overated....

As a nation we are made up a pretty decent people, our rulers have gotten worse...

but our heritage is one of slavery, genocide, agressive attacks, and industrial exploitation....

If we lacked the natural resources we do/did and continued with the same sort of policy, it would be even harder to polish this stone as the gem we sell to ourselves.

As a nation, we are close to blowing it.

[H2O Man]

9. We agree on some things

and agree to disagree on others. I think that this is our last chance to make advances in the struggle to keep our country from becoming fascist beyond repair. I think that will take a maturity and discipline that the democrats do not yet show. (I include the non-democratic party left.)

The republicans who recognize what is occuring, but do not have the spine to take a stance -- even on something like "fiscal conservatism" -- are a bitter disappointment. I do know several republicans, both family and friends, who are 100% against this administration, and feel it poses the greatest of threats to constitutional democracy that we have faced in the last 150 years. But none of the "top" republicans, like McCain, are being honest about this.

[Karenina]

22. I will be convinced of an election

when I see it happen. All of the points in the OP would be considered common sense in a healthy sane society. My biggest question is, how does one negotiate a win-win with another who is committed to win-lose?

As for the issue of intolerance... I've watched civil discourse descend into the sewer since the Joe Pyne Show. Millions of Americans listen to verbal filth spewed from their airwaves 24/7. The scale on which it is occuring DWARFS the propaganda tatics of the Third Reich. Hate speech is NOT TOLERATED where I live, indeed it is ILLEGAL. How does one negotiate with the tactic of intolerance without becoming so him/herself?

Americans seem not to react to reason and logic anymore. They seem to require being beaten over the head with it and EVEN THEN te reaction time is excruciatingly SLOW...

[H2O Man]

10. C.G. Jung on the rise of Nazi archetypes in the early 1900s

"All those personal things like incestuous tendencies and other childish tunes are mere surface; what the unconscious really contains are the great collective events of the time. In the collective unconscious of the individual, history prepares itself; and when the archetypes are activated in a number of individuals and come to the surface, we are in the midst of history, as we are at present.The archetypal image which the moment requires gets into life, and everybody is seized by it. That is what we see today. I saw it coming, I said in 1918 that the 'blond beast' is stirring in its sleep and that something will happen in Germany. No psychologist then understood at all what I meant, because people had simply no idea that our personal psychology is just a thin skin, just a ripple upon the ocean of collective psychology. The powerful factor, the factor that changes our whole life, which changes the surface of our known world, which makes history, is collective psychology, and collective psychology moves according to laws entirely different from those of our consciousness. The archetypes are the great decisive forces, they bring about the real events, and not our personal reasoning and practical intellect. Before the Great War all intelligent people said: 'We shall not have any more war, we are far too reasonable to let it happen, and our commerce and finance are so interlaced internationally that war is absolutely out of the question.' And then we produced the most gorgeous war ever seen. And now they begin to talk that foolish kind of talk about reason and peace plans and such things; they blindfold themselves by clinging to childish optimism -- and now look at reality! Sure enough, the archetypal images decide the fate of man. Man's unconscious psychology decides, and not what we think and talk in the brain-chamber up in the attic."

[coeur_de_lion]

16. What do you think Jung would say about what is happening in this

country? What is our collective psychology up to?

[H2O Man]

21. war.

We are moving into the deep dark waters of violence. Robert Kennedy said that LBJ was calling upon the darker impulses of our nation, when he began campaigning in 1968. LBJ couldn't hold a candle to Bush and friends in this behavior. Yet we err when we assume that the president and his friends are in control of the forces at play. People do not control violence: there is the old -- and very true -- saying that it's easier to start a war than stop one. Bush and his ilk have the conscious awareness of a machine .... a bull-dozer, for example, that is running out of control, destroying everything in its path. Jung was speaking about an undercurrent exactly like what we are facing today.

[coeur_de_lion]

11. As always H2O, a well-written and thoughtful piece.

As Cyrano said though, you are idealistic. If only we all were that open minded. Though if we were, there would have been no need for you to write the paper.

"The purpose of discussions should not be to violently contest differences of opinion."

That is the nugget I pulled out for myself. I am often guilty of starting a discussion with the best of intentions. Then I let my exasperation get the better of me and spout off, as you've witnessed here on the DU board. I think I set a record for deletions in one night! It's my only flaw. :P

Someone once said to me, "Did you ever notice how difficult it is to argue with someone who is not obsessed with being right?" That is something I would do well to remember, dontcha think?

So let me ask you something. What does one do if they are in a dispute with another person, and they are willing to talk it out but the other person is not?

"We have made false barriers. The lines that separate one state from another, or one county from another, exist only in our minds."

I agree wholeheartedly with this statement. And I would add that the in the spiritual sense, the lines that separate us from one another exist only in our minds. Sometimes I think that half of the mental illness in this country stems from our belief that we are separate from others -- we are not.

I thank you once again for a very thought-provoking post. We're lucky to have you at DU.

[H2O Man]

12. What do you have when a wise man argues with a fool?

Two fools.

[H2O Man]

13. There are, of course,

people who can start an argument when they are alone in a room. But, as you said, if one does not participate when they seek to engage you in an argument, they own the problem.

[coeur_de_lion]

15. My Uncle once said of my (100-year-old) grandmother,

"She's the only woman I know who could have an argument with herself."

I hope I don't take after her too much!

[coeur_de_lion]

14. I think that is your nice way of saying that

I should keep my mouth shut when dealing with fools. And not allow myself to be drawn in by others behavior.

Point taken. Now I'm going to quote you from my favorite play:

I shall the effect of this good lesson keep,
As watchman to my heart. But, good my brother,
Do not, as some ungracious pastors do,
Show me the steep and thorny way to heaven;
Whiles, like a puff'd and reckless libertine,
Himself the primrose path of dalliance treads,
And recks not his own rede.

So appropriate, don't you think? But I probably don't have to worry about you not taking your own advice. I just like the quote.

[H2O Man]

17. poetry, eh?

"The only true wisdom lives far from mankind, out in the great loneliness, and it can be reached only through suffering. Privation and suffering alone can open the mind of a man to all that is hidden to others."
- Igiugarjuk;

[H2O Man]

18. "After that the people noticed that Crazy Horse

was (stranger) than ever. He hardly ever stayed in the camp. People would find him out alone in the cold, and they would ask him to come home with them. He would not come, but sometimes he would tell people what to do. People wondered if he ate anything at all. Once my father found him out alone like that, and he said to my father: 'Uncle, you have noticed me the way I act. But do not worry; there are caves and holes for me to live in, and out here the spirits may help me. I am making plans for the good of my people."

[H2O Man]

20. or from the Caribou Eskimo Najagneq:

"Yes,there is a power we call Sila, one that cannot be explained in so many words. A strong spirit, the upholder of the universe, of the weather, in fact all life on earth -- so mighty that his speech comes to man not through ordinary words, but through storms, snowfalls, rain showers, the power of the sea, through all the forces that man fears, or through sunshine, calm seas, or small innocent playing children who understand nothing. When times are good, Sila has nothing to say to mankind. He has disappeared into infinite nothingness, and remains away as long as people do not abuse life but have respect for their daily food. No one has ever seen Sila. His place of sojourn is so mysterious that he is with us and infinitely far away at the same time."

[coeur_de_lion]

19. That is lovely. You have good taste!