A copy of my first column, tell me what you think

[Melodybe]

This is my second draft so there is still some polishing that is left, but I can't see myself changing much, but I would love any constructive criticism or suggestions.

Without further adieu, here it is...


*************************************************
First let me say, I am NOT a writer, I’m slightly dyslexic, and I have horrible sentence structure, so you might have to bear with me.

OK, with that I of the way, let me say that I am writing this column because I love my country, and my fellow Americans, yes, even the ones that absolutely hate my guts. I should also let you know that I am VERY proud to call my self a liberal democrat. I am writing this because I hope that from now until Nov. I can convince the folks on this campus to, not only vote, but to vote for John Kerry.

I guess I should give a bit of my own political history. I have lived in MS since I was four and I have lived in the south my entire life. My parents are fair and decent people who also happen to be liberal democrats. I am honored to say that my dad and two girls from his 7th grade class ditched school and marched with Martin Luther King in 1963. Thinking about a 13 year old white boy from MS having the guts to stand with the Civil Rights Movement is a lot for me to wrap my mind around. I can clearly picture the hostility that kid must have faced from the crowd heckling the protestors, his own family, and from the people in his community. The fact that that white boy was my dad has undoubtedly influenced the way I look at my country and the beautiful things that can happen when we follow the basic philosophies of our Constitution. Needless to say, growing up a liberal democrat in MS has, if anything, given me an interesting perspective on the world.

When say I am a proud liberal democrat, it’s true. My really old, leather bound copy of Webster’s New World Dictionary of the American Language tells me that the word Liberal comes from the Latin liber, which means “free” it also says that the definitions for liberal are: 1. Originally, suitable for a freeman; not restricted 2. Giving freely; generous 3. Ample, abundant 4. Not restricting the literal meaning 5. broad-minded 6. Favoring reform or progress, as in religion, education, ECT.

Free is a good word to attribute to yourself, I think. Generous is also something that I strive to be. I’ll skip ample and abundant, but let it be known, I consider neither ample nor abundant to be negative. Not being restricted sounds nice, as does being broad-minded. Definition 6 is my favorite, though, since I see nothing wrong with progress. I got really upset when the “liberal” media decided to turn liberal into a dirty word. How you can turn a word that has in its roots one of the oldest concepts of freedom into something bad is beyond me. It’s also very Orwell-ian, but, I digress, I think that freedom IS a good thing. Liberal ideas, for the time, are what this country was founded on and I see nothing unpatriotic in holding what some consider to be liberal ideas.

With progress and the founding fathers in mind, here is a great quote, by the founder of the Democratic Party, Thomas Jefferson. This quote can be found on the Jefferson Monument:

"I am not an advocate for frequent changes in laws and constitutions, but laws and institutions must go hand in hand with the progress of the human mind. As that becomes more developed, more enlightened, as new discoveries are made, new truths discovered and manners and opinions change, with the change of circumstances, institutions must advance also to keep pace with the times. We might as well require a man to wear still the coat which fitted him when a boy as civilized society to remain ever under the regimen of their barbarous ancestors."

As I look at politics today, re-reading the words written by the founding fathers of our country, I become more and more convinced that they could see very far ahead of the limitations of their own time. Their words have guided this nation for 228 years; their ideas paved the way for their country to naturally progress. Their words inspired a 13-year-old white boy to stand up for what was right and good, and I am inspired by their words now.

My own life has shaped me into a democrat, and I am proud of the person I am. I am voting for John Kerry because I believe that, he too, is proud to be a democrat. I feel like he cherishes our Constitution as much as I do. I believe that voting for John Kerry is a natural step forward for this country. I feel like this year democrats have real ideas about how to make this country a better place for EVERYONE in it, even those that may hate and/or disagree with us.

I am very excited about getting to write about the good things that John Kerry already has done for this country. I’ll spoil you with my very favorite thing he has done, now, in my first column, he single handedly outed Iran-Contra. Look it up, google it, it’s worth your time.

Although I may have had my reservations about Kerry during the primaries, John Kerry won me over completely in his acceptance speech at the DNC. He convinced me in his speech that, like my dad, he has a basic respect for all people, no matter their color, their religion, or their political persuasion and I feel that respect is the true essence of our democracy.

[MsUnderstood]

1. Don't be so hard on yourself

Good article! Where are you publishing it?

First rule of writing, don't dis yourself in the first sentence. If you have something important to say, don't start it with "This is important but I'm not so good. . ."

I would cut out the beginning and start with "I am writing this column because I love . . ."

[HEyHEY]

2. Couple quick problems

Get rid of "That that" when talking about your father. And at the beginning get rid of the second "Let me say" and replace it with something else.

I'll look a little more later.... I've got my own writing to do now. ;-)

[kikiek]

3. Wow. Excellent! Your dad and mom must be very proud. They

obviously did their job well.

[Tsiyu]

4. I agree: let the first sentence go.

You have authority by virtue of creating. You sell yourself short by apologizing.

And in the very first sentence, "OK with that OUT of the way," Just get rid of it.

Otherwise: Fantastic!

[loudsue]

5. Misplaced comma...

"My own life has shaped me into a democrat, and I am proud of the person I am. I am voting for John Kerry because I believe that, he too, is proud to be a democrat. I feel like he cherishes our Constitution as much as I do. I believe that voting for John Kerry is a natural step forward for this country. I feel like this year democrats have real ideas about how to make this country a better place for EVERYONE in it, even those that may hate and/or disagree with us."

In bold...should read: ...."I believe that he, too, is proud to be a Democrat...."

I also agree with posters above, about not putting yourself down ... from reading this article, you have ABSOLUTELY NO REASON to put yourself down! You've done a superb job of stating your case.

Go for it!

:kick::kick:

[grasswire]

6. from an editor

Some hints:

A writer has about three sentences to grab the reader and convince him that he should read on, and so you should start with something interesting. Telling the reader why you are writing the piece isn't a grabber. I would start with this:

"In 1963, a Mississippi white boy and two girls ditched their 7th-grade classes and marched with Martin Luther King. That brave boy was my father.

I can clearly picture the hostility that kid must have faced from the crowd heckling the protestors, his own family, and from the people in his community. The fact that that white boy was my dad has undoubtedly influenced the way I look at my country and the beautiful things that can happen when we follow the basic philosophies of our Constitution. Needless to say, growing up a liberal democrat in MS has, if anything, given me an interesting perspective on the world.

I am writing this column because I love my country, and my fellow Americans, yes, even the ones that absolutely hate my guts. I should also let you know that I am VERY proud to call my self a liberal democrat. I am writing this because I hope that from now until Nov. I can convince the folks on this campus to, not only vote, but to vote for John Kerry."

Other hints:

1. Take the time to spell out words such as November and Mississippi.
2. What does your father have to say about that day? Could you include at the beginning some indication of how he felt? A couple of sentences fleshing out that anxious day would draw the reader into the story.

You have a great story to tell, but you have to compete for the reader's attention. Make the reader want to find out what happens to that Mississippi boy.