Violence Against Women

[curse10]

I've been working in the Massachusetts Probate Court for almost 3 weeks now. Every day I go home and want to cry. Not a day goes by that I don't see a case where a woman has been brutally abused by her husband/boyfriend. As a survivor of domestic violence I am saddened by the fact that this isn't even an issue this election year, or any election year. Something needs to be done. And fucking fast. My future daughters, granddaughters, and great-granddaughters should not have to face these same statistics:

The National Domestic Violence Hotline has received more than 700,000 calls for assistance since February 1996. – National Domestic Violence Hotline, December 2001

Nearly one-third of American women (31 percent) report being physically or sexually abused by a husband or boyfriend at some point in their lives. –Commonwealth Fund survey, 1998

It is estimated that 503,485 women are stalked by an intimate partner each year in the United States. – National Institute of Justice, July 2000

Estimates range from 960,000 incidents of violence against a current or former spouse, boyfriend, or girlfriend each year to 4 million women who are physically abused by their husbands or live-in partners each year. – Violence by Intimates: Analysis of Data on Crimes by Current or Former Spouses, Boyfriends, and Girlfriends, U.S. Department of Justice, March, 1998

Studies show that child abuse occurs in 30-60% of family violence cases that involve families with children. – "The overlap between child maltreatment and woman battering." J.L. Edleson, Violence Against Women, February, 1999

While women are less likely than men to be victims of violent crimes overall, women are 5 to 8 times more likely than men to be victimized by an intimate partner. – Violence by Intimates: Analysis of Data on Crimes by Current or Former Spouses, Boyfriends, and Girlfriends, U.S. Department of Justice, March, 1998

Violence by an intimate partner accounts for about 21% of violent crime experienced by women and about 2 % of the violence experienced by men. – Violence by Intimates: Analysis of Data on Crimes by Current or Former Spouses, Boyfriends, and Girlfriends, U.S. Department of Justice, March, 1998

In 92% of all domestic violence incidents, crimes are committed by men against women. – Violence Against Women, Bureau of Justice Statistics, U.S. Department of Justice, January, 1994


Of women who reported being raped and/or physically assaulted since the age of 18, three quarters (76 percent) were victimized by a current or former husband, cohabitating partner, date or boyfriend. – Prevalence Incidence, and Consequences of Violence Against Women: Findings from the National Violence Against Women Survey, U.S. Department of Justice, November, 1998

In 1994, women separated from their spouses had a victimization rate 1 1/2 times higher than separated men, divorced men, or divorced women. – Sex Differences in Violent Victimization, 1994, U.S. Department of Justice, September, 1997

In 1996, among all female murder victims in the U.S., 30% were slain by their husbands or boyfriends. – Uniform Crime Reports of the U.S. 1996, Federal Bureau of Investigation, 1996

31,260 women were murdered

by an intimate from 1976-1996. – Violence by Intimates: Analysis of Data on Crimes by Current or Former Spouses, Boyfriends, and Girlfriends, U.S. Department of Justice, March, 1998

A child’s exposure to the father abusing the mother is the strongest risk factor for transmitting violent behavior from one generation to the next. – Report of the American Psychological Association Presidential Task Force on Violence and the Family, APA, 1996

Forty percent of teenage girls age 14 to 17 report knowing someone

their age who has been hit or beaten by a boyfriend. – Children Now/Kaiser Permanente poll, December, 1995

Females accounted for 39% of the hospital emergency department visits for violence-related injuries

in 1994 but 84% of the persons treated for injuries inflicted by intimates.– Violence by Intimates: Analysis of Data on Crimes by Current or Former Spouses, Boyfriends, and Girlfriends, U.S. Department of Justice, March, 1998

Family violence costs the nation from $5 to $10 billion annually in medical expenses, police and court costs, shelters and foster care, sick leave, absenteeism, and non-productivity. – Medical News, American Medical Association, January, 1992

Husbands and boyfriends commit 13,000 acts of violence against women in the workplace every year.– Violence and Theft in the Workplace, U.S. Department of Justice, July, 1994

The majority of welfare recipients have experienced domestic abuse in their adult lives and a high percentage are currently abused. – Trapped by Poverty, Trapped by Abuse: New Evidence Documenting the Relationship Between Domestic Violence and Welfare, The Taylor Institute, April, 1997

One in five female high school students reports being physically or sexually abused by a dating partner. – Massachusetts Youth Risk Behavior Survey (YRBS), August 2001

[flamingyouth]

1. Thank you for posting this, curse10

And thank you for your work on behalf of women. It's easy to get burned out. I volunteered in a women's health clinic for almost three years. You're doing a great thing. :hug:

[Fenris]

3. I second Lisa's praise. I am in awe of your humanity, curse10.

:hug:

We could use more like you on this planet.

[MuseRider]

2. From everything I have been

noticing this seems to be getting worse. I am very worried about this. Having been on a few of those lists above I can say that I am keenly aware of the small things that lead to that sort of behavior. I do not like what I am seeing.

[AnnInLa]

4. Thank you,

it is one of America's hidden "weapons of mass destruction" that is never discussed, along with poverty, homelessness....the warts of the country.

[curse10]

5. And poverty and homelessness goes hand in hand with domestic violence

And these are the women that need the most help. And they are the ones most often ignored by the system.

[Kathy in Cambridge]

6. Thank you for trying to help-this problem IS ignored by politicians

and with a Republican governor in office, I'm sure funding has been severely cut back.

Thank you for giving so much of yourself to help these women-and their children. :hug:

[curse10]

7. thank the judges- they are trying their best

but the courts are overflowing and we don't have the staffing to cover. The judge I work for works very hard to make sure the women and children are safe, but there is only so much one person can do.

We need tougher laws. We need this to be recognized as an epidemic.

[underseasurveyor]

8. A Home Is For Love Not For Violence

A few months ago I had to kick out my 20 year old stepson for beating his then, now x-girlfriend. In MY OWN HOUSE :mad: Oh but he didn't "beat" her, he just choked her and threw her against the wall:eyes: Been through it myself and I will not tolerate it in my house by a man or woman. What makes this story even sadder is my husband is in complete denial about the way his son treats women. We still go round and round about that :grr:

[curse10]

9. I'm so sad to hear that

Can you get your son into counseling?

[underseasurveyor]

12. If I had the power to do so

Yer damn straight I would. I told my husband if this were my own son? I drag his sorry ass by the scruff of his neck to somewhere, ANYWHERE to try and get this angry cycle broken while he is still able to feel remorse and before "the pattern" becomes so ingrained it becomes habitual.

But since the lad is 20, bigger and stronger and the day I kicked him out he threatened to "do the same to me," and since both he and his father deny any problem exists, there isn't much I can do. So I did the only thing I have the power to do. Not tolerate his behavior under my roof.

It sucks! But if I ever see a girl with him, I will tell her up front that he will hit her. At least she'll know.

[curse10]

13. Good for you!

I hope your husband sees the light. Your stepson needs help. I fully believe in rehab, especially with someone so young. Best of luck. :hug:

[lapislzi]

14. It is a very difficult cycle to break

because it is rooted in power and control. The behavior's been modeled since childhood (most abusers were either themselves abused or witnessed abuse in their childhoods). There has to be real commitment on the part of the abuser, and buckets of support from family, community and clergy. It takes years.

Good luck to you.

[underseasurveyor]

22. This child certainly has control issues

If he can control his surroundings and people around him then he feels his life is not out of control. So self delusional and defeating :crazy:

I've been with this kid and his dad for 15 years. He was just 6 when our families merged. We didn't have an abusive household, per se. There was no violence or beatings. His dad was a drunk then and his birth mother abandoned him when he was 2 for more important things like drugs, leaving him solely with his dad. Mom showed up when she felt like playing with "her doll" and when she was done he was put back on the shelf, so to speak. But her coke and the money made from it were more important and she went for months and months without contact, then spent 2 years in the big-house when she finally got busted.

This young man is SO angry at his mother for abandoning him and he feels guilty for feeling that way, and he has always placed his mother on the proverbial pedestal, and therein lies his own cycle of anguish and abusivness. He's angry at mom = feels guilty and self loathing, fears losing mom's love = puts her on the pedestal, doesn't get mom's love = he's hurt and feels worthless, angry at mom-feels guilty all over again, and the whole cycle just repeats. And since he can't take it out on his mom......others suffer the rage instead. :-(

This woman never paid a penny of support. When she called him it was only for 5 minutes or so that is unless she hung up on him because she didn't like his "tone." A million other slights and neglects through most of his life, THEN this fucking piece of shit heartless person who is suppose to be a "mother," told him a couple years ago that everything she's ever done in her life was all for him. :wow:

heh heh.. I just had a funny thought. I know his mother is a Dem. and she hates boosh (her only good quality) and she may or may not be a DUer, I have no idea, stranger things have happened. Be comical if she is, SO, if you are reading this you know who you are R.A.C., you are one piss poor mother and a pathetic selfish excuse of a human being and you disgust me :puke: And remember his birthday is next Thursday 9th. He'll be 21, just so ya don't forget. B****!

[Eloriel]

24. I'll go farther than that: Thank God for you!

And yes, please DO tell every young woman he even thinks about dating that he's an abuser.

I salute you, dear woman!

[underseasurveyor]

27. Thanks El

That touches me and never let it be said that mere words can't strengthen the heart and reinforce resolve :loveya:

[cally]

10. Thanks for helping the victims

I'm always astounded at the statistics. DV happens way too much.

[lapislzi]

15. Rule of thumb is 1 in 4

households experience some form of DV. You don't have to be beaten up to experience DV. Often physical violence occurs quite late in the relationship, but after a protracted period of verbal, psychological, and financial abuse.

[lapislzi]

11. As a domestic violence survivor, I thank you for posting this

http://www.aardvarc.org/

The above is an excellent resource for both victims and the people who want to help them. It provides valuable info on how to clear your browser cache, change your social security #, and plenty more practical information.

It is also so important to move beyond blaming the victims. Victim blame includes questions like "why does she go back to him?" or "was he always like that?"

Abusers do not abuse all the time. Many of their behaviors can masquerade as loving, attentive gestures. However, ALL their behaviors are rooted in a desperate need for power and control.

[underseasurveyor]

16. This was/is one area that gets me so riled up with my husband

in regards to his sons woman beating behavior. The day all this came down at our house my husband sat in our living room and told that dear sweet precious girl who I love like my own, that it was HER FAULT for quote, "backing him into a corner" figuratively speaking because she did not physically back him into a corner. He said, "You know J****, you ought to know better than to back him into a corner when he gets like that." :nuke: :nuke: :nuke: :nuke: :nuke:
Ooooooooooooooohhhhhh did that ever piss me off.
Like I said in my previous post, we still go round and round about domestic abuse and blaming victims.

My husband knows what I went through in the years before we met. He has never layed a hand on me nor would he dream of it. He abhors men that hit women, but with his own son? Complete, blind, denial
:shrug: Go figure.

[lapislzi]

18. Remember all the ways you are strong

and reassure your son's girlfriend about how smart and resourceful she is. She can get out of it, or she can make whatever decision she has to make to survive. It's actually amazing...I know so many women, and they have devised so many ingenious ways to duck the blows, to protect their children, to save their own lives.

Your husband needs a serious wake-up call about domestic violence.

[underseasurveyor]

25. Thanks you're right

The good thing is the son's girlfriend is no longer with him, she broke up with him the day he assaulted her in my house. Then she finally told me ALL the other stuff she had put up with for the previous year. I was stunned and so disappointed in him. She was afraid to talk about it and also convinced herself he'll stop. We still talk, she was like the daughter I never had. So there's no worry there, she is safe. However eventually there will be another girl in his life and when that happens I will tell that girl he beats women. Just so she knows.

Now my husband, heh heh yeah I like to knock him up side his thick skull but that kinda defeats the purpose of DV awareness :evilgrin:
But he does need a serious wake-up call. Of course he gets super defensive and angry when I bring it up. I try and use visuals when we talk like, what it will be like visiting his son in prison, or what is he going to say to the father of the daughter that was hospitalized or killed by his son's violence, what if it were our daughter coming home battered and bruised. Stuff like that :-) Just pisses him off more but that's OK I won't let up or give up where DV is concerned ;-)

[Ripley]

17. This country hates women who don't just shut up and take it.

After reading Heddi's post, I feel I must purge. I wasn't raped by my ex-husband, but beaten up. In fact the asshole held me down and choked me until I passed out once, gave me stiches another time.

I'll never forget how the police treated me when I called for assistance when I was trying to move out. Although I had a male friend help me, my ex was 6'3" and a muscular carpenter. He had already threatened to burn a birthday gift my grandmother had mailed to the house. So I called the city police, told them the story and asked for protection because he was drinking and I was afraid he would destroy my property or me. They said in their nonchalant way..."is he doing anything violent right now?" I said "no". They said "call us if something happens" and hung up.

I thank my lucky stars I lived through it.

[lapislzi]

19. You have a right to protection from law enforcement

(Am I getting on a soapbox yet?)

You have the right to speak to a female officer and/or a specialist in domestic violence. You have the right to be safe in your own home.
You have the right to be believed.

I'm glad to hear you are out of it.

[Kanary]

32. All the "rights" in the world don't get you protection, if the cops are

*not* there for you. Even in areas where women have worked to get domestic violence training for cops, and laws to protect women, the cops themselves have to be emotionally mature, or they simply won't be there for you.

When I was going through having my car broken into, I called the cops. They didn't want to send anyone out, but I insisted. When the cop got there, he was surly because it wasn't what he wanted to be doing. I had to insist that he take a report. He flipped open his clipboard, and there was a porn picture. How's that for intimidating, when you are already feeling violated by having your property broken into and destroyed?? The follow up is that I reported it right away, and was told "It was only a joke. What's the matter, lady, don't you have any humor?" I followed up with *that* and went to the citizens commission, and testified. *THAT* was brushed off, also. So, anyone who thinks that going to the cops is always the answer simply hasn't seen some of what the cops are capable of themselves.

Kanary

[Heddi]

20. THe same thing happened with my mom & her abusive husband

(my stepfather).

He was BRUAL to her. She was always calling the police (no 911 back then), and she'd get these good old boys on the phone who laughed at her and said that if she'd just stop pissing him off he woudn't have to hit her.

Once it was really bad and she was bloody and everything and he was beating her with peices of furniture and stuff and she got the police and the police asked if he was beating her then and she said yes, and they said well we'll send someone out as soon as we can.

FOUR
HOURS
LATER

a police officer came up to the house. She was a mess. THe officer asked my mom if she wanted me and her to go to a shelter. My stepdad said "like fuck you will" and the officer said "well, okay then" and told my mom to walk out to the car with him. He said that he couldn't do anything permanent and we could only stay at the shelter for 2 days max and most likely stepdad would beat her twice as good once we got back.

My mom said "So do I have to wait until he kills me before you'll do anything" and that cop looked her straight in the eye and said "pretty much so".

A few incidences later, a female officer came out. She told my mom that if my mom was to ever *ahem* accidentally kill my stepfather while he was beating her, make sure that she already had bruises so that it would be self defense and never hit or stab him in the back or while he slept. And the officer also said that if he happened to start beating her outside, to get him inside to kill him because outside the house would be murder, but inside the house would be homocide.

[Ripley]

21. That is horrible.

I'm amazed you and your mother are alive today! I'm so glad you made it out alive.

It is so hard to explain to someone why you stayed with an abuser one day or one minute after they hit you. Many reasons. Money being my big factor and the fact that he would go months without being violent. Just when you think it was an aberration and life is normal...WHAMO.

You know, it has been 15 years and I still worry that he will find out where I live and hunt me down. He gave me bloody hell when I divorced him...even though he got most of the physical possessions I had been buying. I moved really far away. But sometimes I have nightmares about him showing up on my doorstep. :(

[neverborn]

23. What...can...I...do?

Four words. Please... please tell me.

[underseasurveyor]

29. Educate yourself about domestic violence

Not just physical but verbal abuse also. Seek out a local shelter and volunteer to do something, anything. Donate clothes, food, money if ya have it. And since you are a guy, you might make for a good escort for women to and from court hearings and also for those clandestine under the cover of darkness adventures to sneek an abuse victim away from under the abusers nose.

You can google for local numbers where you live. Call them, send them an e-mail and ask what you can do in your particular area.
And thanks for asking :yourock: We appreciate it :loveya:

Oh and if you witness abuse? Step in to stop it and call 911. A life may depend on it.

[Kanary]

31. Here's one BIIIG thing you can do, if you're up for it.

Log onto:
http://www.modelmugging.org/

Read what the program is about, look at the pictures of the men, and how they are helping the women to learn how to defend themselves, and think about whether this is something you would like to do.

And, thank you very much for asking!

Kanary

[Eloriel]

26. A word to the wise -- don't tolerate emotional abuse either, here's why

Some years ago there was a case here in Georgia where a woman who'd tolerated emotional abuse from her husband for 20, 30 years left him. She'd actually left him before, but always went back (I'm sure all those pleas and apoligies and promises are ever so convincing in these cases).

THIS time, however, she was adamant. She wasn't going back. She'd come here to Georgia from a NE state (Pennsylvania?) to stay with one of her married children (that's how long the emotional abuse had been going on-- she had married children!).

When it became clear that this time she really, REALLY meant it, he HUNTED HER DOWN AND HE KILLED HER.

He'd never laid a hand on her before, but this time he knew it was for real and permanent, and the bastard killed her.

Don't take ANY disrespectful, abusive behavior. You can NOT know where it all will end. And the most dangerous time for women is when they are leaving, because that's when the realization sets in for the abusers that they are totally losing their control over you, and that makes them desperate -- SOMETIMES desperate enough to kill YOU and then take their own lives.

Don't take it for a minute. You HAVE to have enough self-respect to not tolerate disrespect and abuse from your intimate partners. You MUST. Your very life could depend on that. Once they get you under even a modicum of their control, they'll start exerting more control: cutting you off from friends and family so you become isolated, reducing your freedom of movement and options (no car, no job, no money -- some combination thereof), reducing your self-confidence. Etc., etc. Don't let it happen to you.

[Kanary]

28. I agree completely, and want to ask you..... *when* is it OK to "take it"?

As a former recipient of spousal abuse, I definitely know that verbal abuse is part of it. So many people still have the notion....... "Oh, just let it roll off your back", "Don't pay any attention to it", etc etc etc. I could get really riled up here, because verbal abuse is damaging, and that includes verbal abuse of parents with children, verbal abuse of teachers and children, verbal abuse of medical staff against patients, verbal abuse of spouse against spouse, verbal abuse of boss against employee, and on and on and on.

You are adamant about NOT accepting verbal abuse, and I completely concur. So, I will ask you...... when in any of those circumstances, and any others you think of, should one just accept it? Where does one draw the line? When is verbal abuse to one not be verbal abuse to another?

Boundaries are so very important...... I think that all of us who have endured physical or emotional abuse are well aware of protecting our boundaries. But we live in a society that loves to tell us that we're "being too sensitive" if we draw our boundaries, and protect them.

This is an important subject, and maybe needs it's own thread. However, I look forward to hearing your reply.

Kanary

[Eloriel]

34. Wow -- good question, and an important one.

As a former recipient of spousal abuse, I definitely know that verbal abuse is part of it. So many people still have the notion....... "Oh, just let it roll off your back", "Don't pay any attention to it", etc etc etc. I could get really riled up here, because verbal abuse is damaging, and that includes verbal abuse of parents with children, verbal abuse of teachers and children, verbal abuse of medical staff against patients, verbal abuse of spouse against spouse, verbal abuse of boss against employee, and on and on and on.

You are absolutely 100% correct, and that's a very good list.

You are adamant about NOT accepting verbal abuse, and I completely concur. So, I will ask you...... when in any of those circumstances, and any others you think of, should one just accept it? Where does one draw the line? When is verbal abuse to one not be verbal abuse to another?

Boundaries are so very important...... I think that all of us who have endured physical or emotional abuse are well aware of protecting our boundaries. But we live in a society that loves to tell us that we're "being too sensitive" if we draw our boundaries, and protect them.

Again, your identifying this as an issue about "boundaries" is absolutely right on.

I have to say I'm no expert in this area. What little I know about boundaries, I've learned the long and hard way and it's something that takes practice, actually. LOL, I remember reading a really good book about boundaries (that everyone has the right to define and protect his or her own personal boundaries) and my reaction was, "Wow. Boundaries! What a concept. You mean I can HAVE some?"

In a nutshell, when people are insulting and abusive, that's a boundary violation. We each have the right (and responsibility, actually) to define what our boundaries are and to let others know when they're bouncing up against or have crossed our personal boundaries. Some people have more lax boundaries than others. I HATE it when people help themselves to any of my stuff, even to just borrow it, without asking. Some people don't mind at all. Both are OKAY.

Some people have more lax boundaries around sexual issues -- which makes the term "loose woman" all the more interesting (I'm avoiding the whole issue of sexism in this discussion). Most, not all, of our personal boundaries are created in the families we grew up in. If privacy wasn't a big thing in your family, your personal boundaries about privacy may be more lax than others' and you may have problems with people for whom privacy is a bigger issue. But that's why you sometimes have to define and defend your own boundaries for others.

MOST of us don't WANT to violate others' boundaries -- but, as I said, sometimes they need coaching on what our boundaries are so that they can be respectful of our boundaries (even if they don't understand them).

But there are those whoa re delighted to violate others' boundaries. In fact, they almost live for it. They can subjugate others by doing so, especially when they find people who aren't good at defining and defending their own boundaries.

This is what happens so often in sexual harassment situations in the workplace. It starts small -- a little innuendo here, a dirty joke or leer there, and if those boundaries don't get vigorously defined and defended, the sexual harrasser knows he has a virtual green light to go further.

"You're being too sensitive," and "whatsamatter, honey, cantcha take a joke" and "I didn't mean anything by it," along with any number of similar dismissive and often shaming remarks are all designed to break down what little remaining ability to define/defend boundaries the victim has.

I don't really have an answer to your question, because everyone has to figure out for themselves where their boundaries are AND when and how to defend them (and it's also true that healthy boundaries are flexible -- you can often be a little more relaxed with good friends or family than with co-workers, for example).

I would say, off the top of my head, that wherever there's a chance for power imbalance between the parties it becomes all the more important for the one with lesser power (or lesser potential power) to be assertive on the matter -- again, it will ONLY get worse, and that's a promise.

Where eintimate relationships are concerned, however, I would be a hawk on the subject. I've fortunately never been in a romantic relationship where there was any abuse whatsoever, but knowing what I know about the matter, if anyone I was dating gave me even a crosswise look I'd clamp down very quickly and VERY firmly.

Thinking back, I have to say that when I was very young (20 and under) I did have a couple of relationships that weren't all that mutually beneficial -- the couple of young men I'm thinking of liked to play coy and indifferent and make me work a little harder at the relationship than they did. In a sense, this is one type of indicator. These types of people are emotionally manipulative, and that goes hand in hand with emotional abuse (when they can get far enough along in the relationship to get away with it). I didn't let them get far enough along. I was pretty serious about one of the guys for a while, but finally "got it" that it just wasn't that reciprocal a relationship and I got REALLY tired of being the one doing all the work. Some men, though, do their thing with a lot more ardor, so they are just as manipulative but from a completely different direction. (Just sorta thinking aloud here....not sure my personal reminiscences add anything to the discussion.)

My first marriage was not all that reciprocal either. THAT experience helped me realize, tho, that a "not all that good" a marriage or relationship is worse than none at all (tho I also realize it's possible to have "companion" relationships that are never going to be "forever" but are satisfying and serve a purpose for both parties for a while). I think that "bad is worse than none" realization isn't something all women get, and certainly fewer start out with. We need to make sure to raise our daughters with very strong sense of self, self-confidence, and preferrably lots of practice in defining and defending their own boundaries (so respecting their boundaries as kids is a good start).

Okay, enough rambling. I'd like to hear others' thoughts.

[underseasurveyor]

35. You'll like reading this guys insights.( Actually Y'all will like it too)

His name is Robert Burney and his website is
www.joy2meu.com

Someone described him as 'a metaphysical Steven Hawking for the soul'
That's close anyways. I think this guy could make anyone feel good about themselves. And benefit anyone, man or woman, young or old :-)

[Kanary]

36. Yes, it's startling to find we CAN have boundaries

I just had an argument here a few days ago with someone who insisted that he has the right to criticise someone for their *emotions*. Even when I said that, in the final analysis, emotions is all that we every truly OWN as humans, and criticising someone's emotions is the same as carving out their core being, it made no difference. People see it as their "RIGHT" to criticise another. So much for compassion.

Boundaries are *very* important....... I know so many older people (mostly women) who long ago lost their on sense of self because they didn't protect their boundaries. Give up a little here, and little there, and after many years, you do't have much left, and don't know who you are anymore. Think it can't happen to you? Keep giving up those small pieces over years, and you'll find that one day you realize you aren't nearly who you used to be. We laugh at Laura for being a Stepford, yet we all do the same thing in differeing degrees.

There's a heavy price to be paid for maintaining those boundaries in a culture as cruel as ours........ You find that there are many drs you can't go to because they violate your boundaries. If your HMO only allows a few drs, you may find yourself deciding between protecting your core self, or getting health care.

You may have to make the same decisions with family, friends, neighbors and clergy. There are a lot of people who simply won't honor another's boundaries. It makes life much more difficult than it ever needs to be, and creates an atmosphere of violence.

Kanary

[jdj]

30. We're just fucking monkeys. And this is the root of all evil, terror-

bonding.

Every Hitler, every Stalin, every Dubya, comes out of a culture that can't deal with male brutality and uses stockholm syndrome to stay in denial and never have to confront this quagmire.

We have so much of this denial in the U.S., so much of our "problem" is described in passive voice: "violence against women" (by whom?/was raped (by whom)/were gangraped (by whom), etc, almost never in active voice as in "raped" the victim, or "gang-raped the victims" the subject is never named and the emphasis is on the object. It's almost like we live half in denial about it. And then their is the misogyny, perjoratives for men are "bastard" a slam on the mother, as well as "son of a bitch", also a slam on the mother.

I sure wish people would make the connection, the most fucked up governments are the ones that are run by people who can't psychologically resolve the brutality of their fathers, so they deify them and demonize their mothers, who represent the vulnerable weak (and probably formerly abused) side of themselves. This is the real reason Hillary Clinton and Teresa Heinz make good targets for the malachi worshippers. It ain't just a woman's issue, it's an "If we don't get a grip on this shit and get the terror-bonded 'in denial about daddy'dudes out of power we are gonna fuck up the entire planet.

[TreasonousBastard]

33. I'm reading this, and...

the stories of the others here, and remembering the tragedies I've seen with my own eyes.

Domestic violence is the monster in the closet. There are laws, but they are difficult to enforce without funding and resources. It seems like it took forever to get something done about violence against children, but not yet enough, and we're still not close to dealing with adult women.

There's not a whole lot most of us not working in the system can do, but we can support the support sytems that exist and try to get them expanded. We can try to lobby for more mental health and counseling programs to defuse as much of it as we can. We can lobby for more support for the programs for victims. When we see it, we can support the victims and lead them to groups that can help.

What we can't do is ignore the problem. It will not go away.

Thirty years ago, I knew a nurse who had just managed to get transferred to pediatrics in a large NYC teaching hospital. Much to her shock, she found 80-90% of the infants were in there because of abuse. Nothing could be done about it back then, except treat the kids and send them home. Any reported suspicions of abuse could lead to lawsuits from the parents.

Years later, I knew a gym teacher in a NYC high school who told me about the abused kids she would see when they changed. Her union, along with pediatricians, quietly lobbied to change the law to require teachers and medical personnel to report suspected abuse. This shielded them from the lawsuits.

But, kids are still being beaten. And their mothers are still being beaten. And I am still looking for shelters and support groups for these women and children.