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"Sir, the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth have set the east wing of this
house on fire," John Kerry's butler told him.
"Bah! It will take hours until it reaches here, Jeeves," Kerry answered, "I wonder why they hate me so. I remember my years in Vietnam as a great experience. In fact, it's seared - seared - in my memory."
Kerry leaned back in his chair to reminisce.
* * * *
"I thought we were going to patrol the beach," John Kerry complained,
"This jungle climate is a hazard on my skin."
"This is where the enemy are," answered one of his crewmates, "We need to hunt them down."
"There are some chickens on the shore," Kerry pointed out, "Let's shoot them and say they were Vietnamese."
"We can't waste ammo! You replaced most of our supplies with skin and hair products."
"I hate it here," Kerry grumbled as he applied cherry flavored lip balm. "I can't wait to get back to the states and marry a rich woman." He handed the lip balm to one of his crewmates. "Hold this for me, Jimmy, while I check on the other boats."
Suddenly there was an explosion as a mine hit one of the boats. "Ahh!
Noise! Flee!" Kerry shouted as he took the helm, turned the boat around, and hit full throttle. One crewman fell off the boat in the ruckus.
"Jimmy is in the water!" a crewman yelled, "Since there isnt even any
enemy fire, we need to go back and get him!"
"Don't tell me what to do," Kerry answered, enraged, "I'm serving in
Vietnam!" He then thought for a moment. "Wait. He had my lip balm!" Kerry quickly turned to boat around. He then ran over to the side of the boat and reached to pull Jimmy out of the water.
"You saved my life!" Jimmy exclaimed.
"Now where is my lip balm!"
"I... uh... dropped it."
"Idiot! Don't you know who I am?" Kerry lifted his hand to strike Jimmy, but then noticed something on his arm. "I've been wounded!"
"I don't see anything."
Kerry quickly covered it up. "I need to preserve it to get another purple heart!"
* * * *
"I even wrote about that day in my diary, Jeeves." Kerry opened his diary and read to his butler. "The Vietcong were firing on me from both sides of the river, and I took three bullets as I reached for Jim Rassman with one hand while firing back in the other, killing 32 Vietnamese. I was the only one to have any kills, since all the other boats cowardly fled."
"Excellent story, sir."
"You suck, Kerry!" a voice yelled from outside.
"Why are they so angry at me?" Kerry asked, "Is it because I tried to get their book Unfit for Command suppressed? Hey, I tried to get my own book The New Soldier suppressed, so I am even handed, right, Jeeves."
"Certainly, sir." Kerrys butler looked out the window. There seems to be some dog sniffing around outside, too.
"I dont care who they have with them. They just didn't like my protesting after the war, but it was very principled!"
* * * *
"Hey, you're a fellow veteran!" Kerry exclaimed, "Can I see your medals for a moment."
"Sure."
Kerry then ran in front of some cameras. "This is what I think of the
medals awarded to me!" he yelled as he chucked the medals over the wall.
"Those are my medals!"
"And this is what I think of my ribbons!"
"That's my wallet, you bastard!"
* * * *
Kerry walked to his window and yelled at the Swift Boat vets, "Don't you know who I am!"
A brick flew through the window and hit him in the head, knocking him to the ground.
"I think they know who you are, sir," Kerry's butler replied, "That's part of the problem."
Kerry picked himself off the ground. "I don't deserve this! I'm married to a billionaire! They're just jealous because I got all the T.V. coverage."
* * * *
"I would just like to say that there were many war crimes," Kerry told
congress, "Soldiers were baby killers, even. Why we once came upon a town filled with nothing but babies and slaughtered them all!"
"Mr. Kerry," said one of the congressmen, "could you please not get your hair styled while testifying to us?"
"But I want his hair to be fabulous!" exclaimed Kerry's hairdresser.
* * * *
"I just can't believe these Swift Boat Veterans protesting me!" Kerry
yelled, "I served in Vietnam! They can't speak up against me, right,
Jeeves?"
Jeeves didn't answer, so Kerry looked towards him.
"You don't have your butler uniform on properly, Jeeves. You need to fix that."
The butler just stood there.
"And why are you down on all fours... and showing your teeth like that. You look angry."
Kerry stared at him further.
"Very angry AHH! I SERVED IN VIETNAM!"
Anyone care to counter that with a Bush in TANG joke?
Hawkeye-X
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