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As you may already know, Iraqi insurgents have stepped up their campaign of kidnapping, then threatening to decapitate foreign workers whose home countries don't withdraw troops, workers, and/or support for the American occupation of Iraq. The Philippines recently pulled their meager forces out a few days early due to just such a threat. Fuckin' wussies!
Currently, dozens of hostages from many countries are being held captive, and the death toll is rising daily. Even worse, the worldwide frenzy sparked by the decapitation of Nick Berg taught the insurgents a horrible lesson. They don't need to bring the fight to the invader's homeland. In the Global Village, terror travels. Once you get a hold of an "invader", all that is required to strike fear in the hearts of their countrymen are a video camera, a sharp knife, and the will to commit cold-blooded murder.
While I was against this businessman's war of first resort -- and while it is now abundantly clear that Bush and Co have fucked things up by heaving a neoconservative brick through the post-invasion window of opportunity -- the last thing I want to see is people getting their heads sawed off on the Internet. So I've come up with the perfect solution:
SUICIDE HOSTAGES!
Here's how it would work. Starting with the military, every non-Iraqi in Iraq would have a powerful explosive charge surgically inserted into his or her body. C4 could be shaped to resemble various organs so as to be completely undetectable, even to X-ray machines. The bomb could be detonated by either specific vocal tones or body cues, such as winking one's eyelids in a "trigger" pattern.
The potential hostage would have the luxury of choosing his moment. He could detonate during the actual kidnapping itself, or wait until his captors have driven him to their headquarters, in the hopes of taking out as many gibbering Jihadist lunatics as possible.
He could also wait until the last possible moment.
After his would-be murderers set up their cameras, hide their faces and force him to kneel down with his hands tied behind his back.
After they crowd behind him like a high school decapitation club posing for a yearbook photo.
After one of them starts reading a list of demands: "Allabla-kablah-blah! Karablah harack-tu-blah!"
After he hears the distinctive sliding sound of a knife being pulled from its sheath.
Just as they all pounce on him, in the burning moment before the blade begins to slide against his throat… He triggers the blast and plasters the walls with a thick, dripping coat of terrorist blood and guts!
What do you think are the chances they'd be uploading THAT video to the internet?
Despite the obvious benefits, fitting every foreigner in Iraq with a body-bomb would have some drawbacks. The potential for accidental, suicidal and/or homicidal detonation would be very real. There would also be a possibility that evil Iraqis might go abroad, then return to Iraq as "foreign" workers, whereupon they could operate as suicide saboteurs, blowing up oil wells, pipelines and the like.
Aside from the substantial logistic challenges, the suicide hostage plan also poses an ethical dilemma. The Pentagon might worry that turning soldiers into de facto suicide bombers might create the illusion that America is on an equal moral footing with their enemies, who are obviously evil and insane.
That's why I believe the program should be introduced in a graduated fashion, starting with suicide decoys. Remote-controlled Hummers with explosive-packed mannequins could be driven through kidnap hot-spots. Once the vehicle is disabled by an RPG or what have you, and the kidnappers gather to collect the survivors… KABLOOEY!!! They're hamburger for the Spider Camels.
Who knows? These preliminary measures might freak out the insurgents bad enough that we never even need to shove bombs up our asses!
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