I need help with this message.

[TOhioLiberal]

(I can't believe I'm asking this!)

On a local board a RW'er posted a message titled How to be a Democrat. I found this to be annoying enough to debunk. I got hung up on a couple of replies, so I thought I'd post it and see what we can come up with.

The first number is his statement. the second number is mine. Here goes:

They wrote:
1. You have to believe the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of federal funding.
1. You have to believe the AIDS virus will go away without any federally funded research.

2. You have to believe that the same teacher who can't teach 4th graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex.
2. You have to believe that teaching 'abstinence only' in school will keep teens from getting pregnant or contracting an STD.

3. You have to believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans are more of a threat, than US nuclear weapons technology, in the hands of Chinese communists.
3. You have to believe that 'taking the fight' to the terrorists will keep them from attacking here.

4. You have to believe that there was no art before Federal funding.
4. ???

5. You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical, documented changes in the earth's climate, and more affected by yuppies driving SUVs.
5. You have to believe that thousands of scientists and decades of research are wrong. There is no 'global warming' and no hole in the Ozone above Antarctica, either.

7. You have to be against capital punishment but support abortion on demand.
7. You have to be against abortion but for capital punishment.

8. You have to believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.
8. You have to believe that businesses create prosperity without help from its workers, and that government creates oppression.

9. You have to believe that hunters don't care about nature, but loony activists who've never been outside of Seattle do.
9. ???

10. You have to believe that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.
10. You have to believe that it's not what you know, it's who you know.

11. You have to believe the military, not corrupt politicians, start wars.
11. You have to believe the military, not corrupt politicians, start unnecessary wars.

12. You have to believe the NRA is bad, because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good because it supports certain parts of the Constitution.
12. You have to believe the ACLU is bad because it supports everybody's civil liberties, and the NRA is good because they have powerful lobbyists in D.C. protecting YOUR guns.

13. You have to believe that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high.
13. ???

14. You have to believe that Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinmen are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, General Robert E. Lee or Thomas Edison.
14. ???

15. You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides aren't.
15. ???

16. You have to believe Hillary Clinton is really a lady.
16. You have to believe Zell Miller is really a Democrat.

17. You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried, is because the right people haven't been in charge.
17. You have to believe that Democracy hasn't worked in the Middle East is because the right people haven't been in charge.

18. You have to believe conservatives telling the truth belong in jail, but a liar and sex offender belongs in the White House.
18. You have to believe a man getting pleasured in the White House should be impeached, while an administration that was in charge during the worst intelligence failure ever deserves to be re-elected.

19. You have to believe that transvestites and bestiality should be constitutionally protected and manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal.
19. ???

20. You have to believe that illegal Democratic Party funding by the Chinese is somehow in the best interest of the United States.
20. ???

21. You have to believe that this letter is part of a vast right wing conspiracy.
21. You have to believe that there is a 'liberal media.'

I put ??? by the ones I'm having problems with. Feel free to suggest any answer though.

Trekkerlass
The fed-up Liberal.

[TOhioLiberal]

1. And another thing...

Some of the lines are a little out of date. I mean the Chinese? That's so 1990's, fer sure.

[WLKjr]

2. I can try to help wiht #9

9. You have to believe that hunters don't care about nature, but loony activists who've never been outside of Seattle do.


Repsonse:

You have to believe that you need a M-16 to kill deer, squirrels and rabbits and not care about the single mother living in the projects in the innner city having to worry about the next door nieghbor having a automatic assualt rifle, getting into a gun battle over drugs or other illeagle activities with gangs, mob, or police. Democrats would never take your shotguns, or pistols away from you. And if they did, they are not Democrats. What's a gun used for umm let's see that's right.....
TO KILL. Someone once told me if you own a gun you have to be prepared to kill, and be prepared mentally. In most cases, some aren't mentally prepared or even capable of handling firearms period but feel a need for the assualt rifle because it reafirms their small penises. End of rant.

[TOhioLiberal]

5. ohh...good one.

I like the whole 'teenie peenie' angle! :D

[WLKjr]

8. That angle applies to a lot of RW theories

Just add "because it reaffirms your tiny......." and wha la, they get pissed off because it's true and they are ashamed of themselves.

[proud2BlibKansan]

3. On that number 4

I read not long ago that Bush has given more money to the arts (specifically NEA) than any other prez. I am sure every prez has broken this record, due to inflation, but you could put a spin on that. Like maybe - you have to believe naked statues in the Justice Dept are evil, but Dumbya can give more money to the Arts than any other prez. (??)

For #9, use that Ann Coulter quote about God giving us the environment and we can rape it if we want.

For #13, hit on the fact that tax cuts haven't even begun to offset the increase in health insurance premiums. I have been driving that one down the repukes throats and it usually shuts them up. (Thank you, John Kerry for that idea!) I get a piddly 2% salary increase every year but by the time health insurance goes up, I am bringing home less than the year before. I know that is true for a lot of people,

For #15, You have to believe that standardized tests will help us leave no child behind. ( At least no non-minority, middle class kid)

[TOhioLiberal]

7. Good ideas...

Do you have that Ann 'the man' Coulter quote? I don't remember it as well as some of her other 'opinions.'

[AntiFascist]

10. #4. You have to believe that when Arnold posed nude for Mapplethorpe....

It wasn't pornography.

[TahitiNut]

4. Hmmm... (off the top of my head) ...

4. You have to believe all art belongs in private collections and that the average citizen doesn't deserve to see it.

9. You have to believe it's "looney activists" who shoot up roadsigns and hunters who belong to the Audobon Society.

13. You have to believe a person's labor should be taxed twice as much or more than the profits you get from someone else's labor.

14. You have to believe that Betsy Ross could make our nation's flag but shouldn't be allowed to vote.

15. You have to believe that standardized tests that require knowledge of George Armstrong Custer, George Pullman, and Warren Harding aren't racist but if they required knowledge of Chief Joseph, Harriet Tubman, Huey Newton, and Malcom X they would be.

19. You have to believe that spending your Jewish neighbor's tax dollars on a manger scene is just fine because you outnumber him.

20. You have to believe that Ken Lay and Jeff Skilling are good sources of public energy policy.

[bluestateguy]

6. On #4

Government funding for the arts was not invented by Sixties hippies. Rather, it has existed since Ancient Greek times, as well as during the Reniassance.

[RoyGBiv]

13. I was gonna say...

I'm not sure how to word this into a response to the claim, but art has been "federally" (in the sense of financially supported by government institutions) since the dawn of recorded history. In fact, "funded art" it pretty well coincides *with* the dawn of recorded history.

It's only been in relatively recent eras that artists are destined to starve or beg for government scraps. In previous eras, artists were well funded, and they in turn employed large numbers of artisans to help them with their work, particularly on large structures or complex projects.

[SheilaT]

9. Every single one of those statements

starts out with unexamined assumptions, the underlying one of which is that those statements, singly and as a whole, define someone as a Democrat.

Start instead by framing similar statements that are equally insulting only use them to define Republicans.

Start with something like You have to believe that 45 million working Americans without health insurance is a good thing.

You have to believe that going from the largest surplus in recent times to the worst deficit ever is fiscally responsible.

However, you shouldn't get sucked into this kind of pissing contest. Maybe email him the list of all the awful things that have been done by this administration. Good luck!

[BamaGirl]

18. Add to this

You don't believe that 1032 (and counting) dead US soldiers and aprx. 7000 wounded and maimed US soldiers, plus 1000's of civilians dead and wounded is not so bad in the pursuit of cheap oil.

You believe the cheapening of America's name and reputation is acceptable as long as corporate America continues to make a profit. Who cares about the working class?

~~BamaGirl

[newyawker99]

21. Hi BamaGirl!!

Welcome to DU!! :toast:

[sadiesworld]

11. #20

You have to believe that allowing Israel and Saudi Arabia to dictate our foreign policy is somehow in the best interests of the US.

[sadiesworld]

12. #5

You have to believe that rightwing nuts who have denied the existence of global warming for years are now experts when they finally admit it exists (but state that human activity plays no role in it).

--poorly written but you get the idea.

[RoyGBiv]

14. #15

You have to believe a rapist, a person who fought to preserve slavery, and an intellectual thief are more noble than those who fought for the rights of others.

[sadiesworld]

15. #19

You have to believe that there is a big movement afoot to afford constitutional protection to bestiality.

#17
You have to believe that a banana republic provides a more reasonable government/political model than Canada.

#15
You have to believe that hundreds of years of slavery and inequality can be erased instantaneously.

#18
You have to believe that conservatives go to jail for telling the truth. Okay, you have to believe that conservatives tell the truth. :silly:

[FormerOstrich]

16. I recieved this e-mail a couple of days ago....

15 Things You Have to Believe to be a Republican Today

1. Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.

2. Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him, and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.

3. Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is Communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.

4. The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.

5. A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.

6. The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches, send them off to war without appropriate equipment, and slash veterans' benefits and combat pay.

7. If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.

8. A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money.

9. Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy, but providing health care to all Americans is socialism.

10. HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart.

11. Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.

12. A president lying about an extramarital affair is a impeachable offense, but a president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.

13. Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.

14. The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's driving record is none of our business, nor is Cheney's advisory team on energy policies.

15. Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.

[lpricanprynces]

17. A few more...

Government should relax regulation of Big Business and Big Money but crack down on individuals who use marijuana to relieve the pain of illness.

“Standing Tall for America” means firing your workers and moving their jobs to India.

Group sex and drug use are degenerate sins unless you someday run for governor of California as a Republican.

If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won’t have sex.

You support states’ rights, which means Attorney General John Ashcroft can tell states what local voter initiatives they have a right to adopt.

What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the ’80s is irrelevant.

[Hello_Kitty]

19. I'd change #11 a bit.

You have to believe that corrupt politicians use the military to start unnecessary wars.

#10 is awesome!

[Eric J in MN]

20. number 11 does not make sense

Whether people are pro-Iraq War or anti-Iraq War, no one is saying the military started it. Bush did, for better or worse.

[EstimatedProphet]

22. Here's my list. Use any that you want:

To be a Republican:

1. You have to believe the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of federal funding.
1. You have to believe the AIDS virus only infects those goddam queer faggot-boys, and not God-fearing Christians.

2. You have to believe that the same teacher who can't teach 4th graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex.
2. You have to believe that the teacher who has a college degree, and often a Master's degree, can't be as qualified to teach as their mother, who dropped out of high school.

3. You have to believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans are more of a threat, than US nuclear weapons technology, in the hands of Chinese communists.
3. You have to believe that all Americans who own guns are law-abiding.

4. You have to believe that there was no art before Federal funding.
4. You have to believe that art is only about portrait painting, of people that are fully clothed, and American.

5. You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical, documented changes in the earth's climate, and more affected by yuppies driving SUVs.
5. You have to believe that thousands of scientists and decades of research are wrong. There is no 'global warming' and no hole in the Ozone above Antarctica, either.

7. You have to be against capital punishment but support abortion on demand.
7. You have to be against any kind of abortion but for capital punishment for most crimes, because anyone who commits any kind of crime, for whatever reason is guilty and deserves any punishment meted out. Unless that person is a Republican, in which case they have to be exonerated because such high-minded holy people can't commit crimes at all.

8. You have to believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.
8. You have to believe that businesses create prosperity without help from its workers, and that government creates oppression. What's good for business is good for America in all cases.

9. You have to believe that hunters don't care about nature, but loony activists who've never been outside of Seattle do.
9. You have to beleive that anyone who enjoys nature without hunting is a loony activist who's never been outside of Seattle.

10. You have to believe that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.
10. You have to believe that it's not what you know, it's who you know. True self-esteem is earned through inheriting it.

11. You have to believe the military, not corrupt politicians, start wars.
11. You have to believe the military, not corrupt politicians, start unnecessary wars.

12. You have to believe the NRA is bad, because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good because it supports certain parts of the Constitution.
12. You have to believe the ACLU is bad because it supports everybody's civil liberties, and the NRA is good because they have powerful lobbyists in D.C. protecting YOUR guns.

13. You have to believe that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high.
13. You have to believe that all taxes are bad because the government doesn't deserve the money you worked so hard for. All the countries' infrastructure should be provided free of cost.

14. You have to believe that Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinmen are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, General Robert E. Lee or Thomas Edison.
14. You have to believe that Thomas Jefferson secretly wanted America to be an unequal oligarchy, and Robert E. Lee fought for the REAL America-the confederate States.

15. You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides aren't.
15. You have to believe that a standardized test written by white professors in Iowa in the 1930's can accurately prove that black children in modern-day Detroit are less intelligent that white children in 1930's Iowa.

16. You have to believe Hillary Clinton is really a lady.
16. You have to believe Zell Miller is really a Democrat. (Good one!)

17. You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried, is because the right people haven't been in charge.
17. You have to believe that socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried.

18. You have to believe conservatives telling the truth belong in jail, but a liar and sex offender belongs in the White House.
18. You have to believe a man getting pleasured in the White House should be impeached, while an administration that was in charge during the worst intelligence failure ever deserves to be re-elected. And that the mounting proven incidences of lies from conservatives aren't lies at all, but liberal media conspiracies.

19. You have to believe that transvestites and bestiality should be constitutionally protected and manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal.
19. You have to believe that what a person does in his or her home in Massachusetts with no witnesses has an immediate impact on families in Kansas, and mandated governemnt partiality to Christianity has no impact on followers of other religions.

20. You have to believe that illegal Democratic Party funding by the Chinese is somehow in the best interest of the United States.
20. You ahve to believe that illegal Republican Party funding by Enron and Halliburton is in the best interests of the United States.

21. You have to believe that this letter is part of a vast right wing conspiracy.
21. You have to believe that there is a 'liberal media.'

And finally, #22-to be a Republican:
You have to believe that Republicans are a superior form of human being.