At his news conference today, President...

[UdoKier]

DATELINE: March 12, 2005
WASHINGTON

At his news conference today, President Kerry announced the resumption of peace talks between Israel and the Palsetinian Authority. Negotiations between the two nations broke off last year. Dan Rather talks with a reporter for the Washington Post in Jerusalem about the breakthrough, apparently engineered by Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, who is on a diplomatic trip to the Middle East.

In other news, Kerry announced that he would begin negotiations with the newly democratic-led House to begin implementation of his plan to bring affordable health insurannce to all Americans.

Former president Bush, meanwhile, still in the recovery unit of the Betty Ford Center after a massive overdose of amphetamines in February, had no comment, nor did former Vice-President Cheney, now awaiting sentencing on four counts of war profiteering and fraud.


Don't you just wish you could fast-forward?

[ayeshahaqqiqa]

1. Oh yeah....

I like this press release! Let's work hard to make it come true.

[Mika]

2. Or - a massive overdose of pretzels.

Bush hires a trial lawyer to sue pretzel manufacturer.

[classof56]

3. Toss in a statement about the troops coming home from Iraq

And this would be just about perfect.

Let us keep the faith!

BUSH MUST GO!!!

[kayell]

4. I almost screamed when I saw the word President

*phew* I'm relieved. It just raises every hair on my body when someone calls georgie boy President.
--------------------------

Thank you for a lovely look into the future. I hope your crystal ball is accurate.

[dogtag]

5. Newly divorced former first lady

sheds frumpy image and moves into Tribeca loft with fast and loose daughters. In a recent interview in High Times Magazine, Laura blows lavish clouds of smoke through her nose and exaults in finally being able to light up in public. At the conclusion of the interview, Laura and her publicist Lizzie Grubman peeled off in her SUV to hit the Hamptons night spots.

[pretzel4gore]

6. omg..who's driving?

oh, so the sirens now, thanks to kerry admin., PRECEDE THEM!
lol

[dogtag]

7. Pedestrians flee Long Island

as Laura and Lizzie speed to their meeting with writer Kitty Kelley. Laura heard to comment, "I'll be damned if I end up like that chickenshit Sharon."

[bvar22]

8. Former Atty General John Ashcroft....

...was hospitalized at a psychiatric unit after a dramatic psychotic episode during which he shed his clothing, smeared his body with Crisco lard, and ran naked through Washington streets screaming, "Tits are EVERYWHERE, Oh MY GOD, TITS ARE EVERYWHERE!!!"

First attempts to apprehend Mr. Ashcroft were unsuccessful due to the Crisco he has smeared on his body. A Washington DC police officer who initially attempted to apprehend Mr. Ashcroft stated, "He's a slippery little devil!"

Mr. Ashcroft was eventually subdued when police called the Zoo and obtained a tranquilizer gun normally used on crazed animals.

An 85 year old great grand mother who witnessed the scene, was one of the many bystanders who were laughing hysterically. Between tears and uncontrollable laughter she was able to gasp, "Did you see how little his penis is!???! Must be a republican!!!" After which the the crowd of onlookers lapsed into more hysterical laughter.

A Psychiatrist at the admitting hospital said Mr. Ashcroft's prognosis is "not good. When they go like this, it usually takes a long time, alot of drugs and shock treatment."

The DC police were forced to use tear gas and dogs to disperse the hysterically laughing bystanders.

[TrustingDog]

9. 'Cock Comb' Wolfowitz jailed for treason. n/t

[bvar22]

10. On the lighter side,

From his detainment cell at the Washington Zoo, former Sec. of Defense Donald Rumsfeld admitted that they (the bush* administration)"made up" all that stuff about Saddam and WMD.

Rumsfeld disclosed that, "It really started out as a joke, but got out of hand. We really didn't think ANYONE would believe it. By the time we realized that FOX News was reporting it as truth, it was too late. We had to go through with the invasion. If we told everyone we were only joking, it would have looked bad for us."

Rumsfeld is currently serving out a 20 year sentence in a special Plexiglas enclosure at the Washington Zoo with Douglas Feith, Paul Wolfowitz, Richard Pearle, and Ari Fleischer. As a part of their sentence, they are required to perform the Abu-Gharib Naked Pyramid 3 times daily. This is a big hit with children who are encouraged to throw feces at the convicts while they are stacked in the pyramid. A sign over the enclosure warns children that:
THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU VOTE REPUBLICAN!