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This is a long one, so I apologize, but I really would like to see what other "deviant liberals" think. A friend of mine sent me (and lots of others) a short story called "Joe Republican." It was a satirical joke about how Republicans deride "liberal" values, but enjoy the by-products...(i.e. fair living wages). It was a pretty inane story, not all that funny, but made a point. Then, one of the recipients sent a reply to everyone that was derogatory in many ways. Well, I had had it and I replied to all and made short (long) work of his "funny story" with my own "funny story." Tell me what you think! My responses are in bold italics.
(If this the wrong forum for this, please move it. Thanks.) Now on with the show....
"What an interesting essay! It is not only inaccurate, it is offensive on many levels...therefore, I KNOW a conservative must have written it! But since most conservatives are only good with half-truths, let's add the rest of the truth to get the WHOLE picture!"
Here's an essay on the history of liberals/conservatives:
"The division of the human family into its two distinct branches occurred some 10,000 years ago, a few hundred years after the flood. Humans coexisted as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers.
In the pivotal event of societal evolution, beer was invented. This epochal innovation was both the foundation of modern civilization and the occasion of the great bifurcation of humanity into its two distinct subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives. "This would also be the creation of the "Have Nots" and "Haves." These groups were easy to distinguish."
Once beer was discovered, it required grain, and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle or aluminum can had yet been invented, so it was necessary to stick pretty close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed. "This is also the time when the conservatives (haves) created the ghettos for the "undesirables." They could not be bothered with having the underclass associate with them."
Some men spent their days killing animals to barbecue at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of the conservative movement. "This was the beginning of the conservative moment!! The slaughter of animals to the point of extinction (sometimes to extinction). The hunt wasn't always for food, sometimes just for sport, just to see who could kill the biggest animal. Then it was back to the pub to brag about the kill. Usually the story was bigger than the actual kill. This was the beginning of the conservative movements love of "the spin." They became skilled at taking actual events and distorting them to the point they no longer were true! It is an art form for the modern conservatives!"
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting, learned how to live off conservatives by showing up for the BBQs every night and doing women's work like sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the liberal movement. Later, some of the liberals actually became women. "This was the beginning of the Liberal movement!! Those who couldn't hunt perfected skills in other areas, generally ones that required masterful skill and thought. Liberals had to master thought, as this was an elusive "beast" that conservatives just couldn't capture! The liberals learned to trade skills and goods for food. They did enjoy women and the took an interest in their work, rather than looking at them as pieces of property only good for breeding. Some of these liberals became sensitive to the needs of others and conservatives became confused and mistakenly labeled male liberals as women. But the liberals didn't mind, for you see, it is not an insult to be a woman."
Liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, invention of group therapy and Democratic voting to see how to divide the beer and meat that the conservatives provided. Women were not interested in democracy at that time because most of them were still women back then, and the conservatives fed them. "Conservative achievements include the domestication of people (slavery), invention of bigger killing weapons, and the Theocratic movement where religion could be used to deny others the most basic of human rights. Women were not interested in democracy because they had not yet learned, they were just as important as men. Yes, they were equal to men! But alas, the conservative movement made sure that women only served man, since most were to lazy to do for themselves."
Conservatives are symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass. "The elephant represents the conservatives. It is the only animal, other than man, that will completely destroy its environment to the point where nothing will grow again. Thus, creating the need to take over more land. The liberals chose the jackass. A steady, workhorse that tilled the fields, pulled the buggys, and were coveted by both rich and poor, alike."
Modern Liberals like imported beer (they add lime), but most prefer white wine or foreign water in a bottle. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are on liberal menus. Their women have more testosterone than the men. Liberals like deviant sex and want others to like it too. Their first successful city governments were Sodom and Gomorrah. "Modern conservatives only drink domestic beer because they have a difficult time pronouncing anything with too many syllables. Liberal women are confused with men because they have discovered they are capable of doing anything a man can and expect to be treated as equals. This terrifies conservatives because it means they will lose a group to exploit! Conservatives love adultery, but they do not want their women or others to "do as they do." But, do not be mistaken, conservatives also love deviant sex, they just pretend not to like it and thus was born the "closet case." The other deviants go past cheating, and lying with the same sex behind closed closet doors, they enjoy the sexual exploitation of young children. They hide behind robes and the guise of "friendly" adults.
Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, and group therapists are Liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule in baseball because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also bat. "Conservatives are Klan leaders, illiterate national leaders, pimps, and mob bosses. They created the "right to hire" laws and mislabeled it. It should be the "right to fire..." anyone who they don't like for whatever reason!
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat, and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, soldiers, athletes, and generally anyone who works productively outside government. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living. "Liberals drink a variety of things. They have developed a sophisticated palette that allows them to enjoy the foods of other cultures, as well as their own. They have developed partnerships with women. They are no better, no worse. Liberals are teachers, scientists, artists, engineers, nurses, and the same professions as conservatives. See, liberals value education; conservatives mock the educated. Liberals own companies and hire others who have a part in the growth of the company and take pride in their product. Conservatives hire people than can exploit with promises that they too will someday be the boss, although they will not because the conservatives value the money over people. With the activist judges outlawing slavery, mandating a minimum living wage pay, and forbidding the use of child labor, the conservatives grew frustrated and took their business out of the country where they could exploit the "brown" people, barely pay them, have no benefits, and no room for advancement. Again proving that conservatives are more interested in the money, not the worker!"
Liberals do not produce anything. They like to "govern" the producers and decide what is to be done with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals just stayed in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. "Conservatives produce at cost to the worker. They like to "rule" the workers and find ways to make their friends and themselves more rich at the expense of the worker. Conservatives believe Americans are always right and our culture superior to all others, forgetting that we are mix of multiple cultures, including the ones we deride today. Conservatives fled Europe when they realized they could not subject people to their insane beliefs and do as they wanted. They came to a new land, raped it, killed its original inhabitants and then imported another group to work for them free. This, again, proves the love of money over the workers that conservatives display. It also shows that conservatives are not too bright. Rather than just enslaving a population already in the land, they killed them all and paid more money to go back across the oceans to get more slaves!"
Conservatives have principles, believe in a Creator, and the rule of law. They practice charity and give to the poor, normally through their churches. When in doubt on an issue, they check both the Bible and the Constitution, which they use as a constant reference in a changing world. They believe in the concept of truth. "Liberals have values, believe all religions are worthy, and that law should be enforced for all people, not just on the poor. Unlike conservatives, liberals give to the needy without requiring them to believe as they do. When in doubt, they seek guidance from their religious leaders and other places, but realize that they, themselves, must make the decision. They believe in the concepts of liberty, freedom, justice, mercy, and truth."
Liberals do not have principles, except for their dedication to stealing production of conservatives and undermining principled references such as the Bible and Constitution. They are never in doubt on an issue because they always do whatever is best for them without regard to others. They have no standard of reference. Liberals do not give to charity. They cultivate the poor like a cat cultivates a field of mice. They use the poor as voters and give them a portion of stolen tax money which they vote away from conservatives. "Conservatives do not have values, except when it suits them or to sustain their dedication to the accumulation of wealth at the expense of others. They even devalue their own religious beliefs by forgetting the golden rule..."do unto others, as you would have done unto you." When they are in doubt, they allow other to think for them, no matter the consequences to others who may be affected. Conservatives have a valuable standard of reference, but pick and choose which "verses" suit them best. Conservatives do not give to charity unless those receiving the charity believe the same as they do. They cultivate bigotry and hatred like slaves cultivated the fields. They try to use the poor as voters with false promises of wealth, then pass laws that cut their own fair share of the taxes."
Conservatives believe in self defense, both at home and abroad. They own guns and use them to discourage liberals and other common criminals. They provide guns to the armed forces to discourage foreign liberals and other foreign criminals. "Liberals believe in negotiation and peace as a method of self-defense. They own guns to protect themselves from right-wing militias who see the death of children as "collateral damage." They also own them to protect themselves from conservatives who would strip them of civil liberties and from criminals produced by unemployment, poor education (which they do not fund), and bigotry (which they mass produce)."
Liberals do not believe in conservative self defense. They disarm conservatives, and then attack them with impunity by liberal armies with guns. King George, Hitler and Stalin were all liberals who abandoned the rule of Law, had no principles except their own self indulgence, and attempted to tax and govern conservatives. Liberals believe in BIG government. They think the United Nations is the ultimate answer. "Conservatives do not believe in peace. They arm themselves with armor-piercing bullets, flamethrowers, and other "big" guns, then attack liberals who support their rights to "bear arms" but not the idea that weapons should be so easy to get that children shoot up schools. King George, Hitler, Stalin, Pol-Pot, Saddam Hussein, and Bush are all conservatives who molded laws to suit their needs, not caring if the needs of the people they were supposed to serve and protect were met. They herded up "undesirables" and eliminated them or created laws that stripped basic rights, including the right of dissent. Conservatives believe in RULING government. They think they are so smart they refuse to take advice from others and process that information, then making a decision."
Conservatives believe in the rule of law and when sitting on juries, convict common criminals and acquit fellow conservatives who have been charged by liberals. When serving in the armed forces, they shoot liberals from other countries who want to govern our country. Conservatives know the difference between a common-sense law and a bone-headed statute passed by some liberal. When sitting on juries, they do not enforce bone-headed statutes, and don't explain their reasons. "Liberals believe that laws can be applied and when sitting on juries, convict law breakers based on law and not how much money they have. They acquit other liberals who were charged by conservatives using techniques such as entrapment and malicious prosecution. Liberals know the difference between what is right and what is wrong and not be confused by the amount of money the defendant has, or based on his sex, religion, national origin, or other non-sequiters. When sitting on juries, liberals, are not bought off or base their decisions on the fact that the person is the "wrong" color, religion, sex, sexual orientation, or political affiliation."
Liberals only believe in whatever laws are appealing to them, such as the privilege of making a living by taxing conservatives. When sitting on juries, liberals convict producers and acquit liberals and other common criminals. Modern Judges are all liberals as they do not produce anything except chaos, and are paid with confiscated tax money. They consider it against the law to reference any source of law such as the Bible or Constitution. Like other liberals, they just make it up as they go and do what is best for them. Judge Roy Bean is their model. "Conservatives only believe in laws that allow them to make money. It doesn't matter if the laws rape the environment, exploit others, or make the poor poorer. When sitting on juries, conservatives convict those who cannot afford lawyers and must rely on the overworked DA. Modern judges are mostly conservatives who wish to turn back the clock on civil rights, freedoms, and fair business acts. They are paid off with political endorsements of right-wing bigots. They ignore the law and give into their own prejudices and bigotry, then are upset when their judgments are overturned because they didn't bother to read the law and follow it! Like other conservatives, they look to suppress the "undesirables" and those who do not think as they do. Judge Roy Moore is their model."
The American cowboy, of course, is your basic, full-bore Conservative. A hundred years ago, an Englishman visiting Texas was attempting to find the owner of a huge cattle ranch. He rode up to one of the ranch hands, and inquired, "Pardon me, but could you perhaps tell me where I might locate your master?" To which the cowboy replied, "That sumbitch ain't been born yet". "The American cowboy, of course, is your basic, full-bore bigot. A hundred years ago, and Englishman visiting what would later become Texas, was attempting to find the owner of a huge cattle ranch. He rode up to one of the ranch hands and inquired," Pardon me, perhaps you can tell me where I might locate your master?" To which the cowboy replied," Are you blind? Do you not see I am white, I AM the master, just ask the "darkies" in the field or, if can find any, the "redskins" whose land I liberated from their heathen hands."
Of course both stories, the original version and the modified version, are extreme examples. However, the right-wing bigots have made liberal a "dirty" word. There are liberal Republicans and there are conservative Democrats. The "Joe Republican" story that came before this story, was a mild satire. The original piece here was a scathing, bigoted response. I decided that I would not allow this to go unanswered. This also shows that not all liberals are "wimps" and afraid to stand up for what is honorable and just! I do not personally believe that all conservatives are "bigots," no more than I believe all liberals are "enlightened."
So, what'll it be? Wine or Beer? Domestic or Imported?"
So what'll it be? More ally building or more nation building? More American jobs or more outsourcing? Freedom for ALL or freedom for SOME? Freedom of speech or "Free speech" areas? An elected president or an appointed president (funny, they weren't called "activist" judges that time)? Troops coming home in airplane seats or troops coming home in pine boxes? Separation of Church and State or Theocracy? Reduced deficit or continued record deficit?
Of course the decision is not as cut and dry as the above questions. Inform yourself! Read the policies of each candidate and make an informed decision. Whatever your political beliefs, use your right as an American to vote (while we still have that right)!
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