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Kick the South out. We should have let them go when they wanted to leave. But no, we had to kill half a million people so they'd stay part of our special Union. Fighting for the right to keep slaves - yeah, those are states we want to keep.
And now what do we get? We're the Arrogant Northeast Liberal Elite? How about this for arrogant: the South is the Real America? The Authentic America. Really?
Cause we founded this country, thank you very much. Those Founding Fathers you keep going on and on about? All that stuff about what you think they meant by the Second Amendment giving you the right to keep your assault weapons in the glove compartment because you didn't bother to read the first half of the sentence? Who do you think those wig-wearing lacy-shirt sporting revolutionaries were? They were blue-staters, stupid. Boston? Philadelphia? New York? Hello? Think there might be a reason all the good monuments are up here in our backyard?
No, No. Get out. We're not letting you visit the Liberty Bell and Plymouth Rock anymore until you get over your real American selves and start respecting those other nine amendments. Who do you think those stripes on the flag are for? Nine are for blue states. And it would be 10 if those Vermonters had gotten their Subarus together and broken off from New York a little earlier. Get it? We started this, so don't get all uppity about how real you are you Johnny-come-lately "Oooooh I've been a state for almost a hundred years" crap. Get out.
Arrogant? You wanna talk about us Northeasterners being arrogant? What's more American than arrogance? Hmmm? Maybe horsies? I don't think so. Arrogance is the cornerstone of what it means to be American. And I wouldn't be so arrogant if I wasn't paying for your bridges, bucko.
All those Federal taxes you love to hate? It all comes from us and goes to you, so shut up and enjoy your Tennessee Valley Authority electricity and your fancy highways that we paid for. And the next time Florida gets hit by a hurricane you can come crying to us if you want to, but you're the ones who built on a swamp. "Let the Spanish keep it, it’s a craphole," we said, but you had to have your orange juice.
The next dude who says, "It’s your money, not the government's money" is gonna get their butt kicked. Nine of the ten states that get the most federal dollars and pay the least... can you guess? Go on, guess. That’s right, Billybob, they're red states. And eight of the ten states that receive the least and pay the most? It’s too easy, Jethro, they’re blue states. It’s not your money, it’s our money. What was that Real American Value you were spouting a minute ago? Self reliance? Try this for self reliance: buy your own stop signs.
Let’s talk about those values for a minute. You and your Southern values can kiss my butt because the blue states got the values over you Real Americans every day of the goddamn week. Which state do you think has the lowest divorce rate you marriage-hyping dingbats? Well? Can you guess? It’s Massachusetts, the center of the gay marriage universe. Yes, that’s right, the state you love to tie around the neck of anyone to the left of Strom Thurmond has the lowest divorce rate in the nation. Think that’s just some aberration? How about this: 9 of the 10 lowest divorce rates are blue states, and most are in the Northeast, where our values suck so bad. And where are the highest divorce rates? Care to guess? 10 of the top 10 are red-ass we're-so--moral states. And while Nevada is the worst, the Bible Belt is doing its part.
But two guys making out is going to ruin marriage for you? Yeah? Seems like you're ruining it pretty well on your own, you little runts. Oh, but that's ok because you go to church, right? I mean you do, right? Cause we get to hear about it every year at election time. Yes, we're fascinated by how you get up every Sunday morning and sing, and then you're towers of moral superiority. Yeah, that's a workable formula. Maybe us Northerners don't talk about religion as much as you because we're not so busy sinning, hmmm? Ever think of that, you self-righteous rednecks? No, you're too busy erecting giant stone tablets of the Ten Commandments in buildings paid for by the Northeast Liberal Elite. And who has the highest murder rates in the nation? It ain't us up here in the North, country boy!
Well this gravy train is over. Take your liberal-bashing, federal-tax-leaching, confederate-flag-waving, holier-than-thou, hypocritical garbage and shove it up your tailpipe.
And no, you can't have your convention in New York next time. Get out.
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