working on this LTTE:

[G_j]

comments? (what about "lead up", should it have a hyphen?)


In the lead up to the Iraq war the Bush administration carried out an aggressive surveillance operation that involved the interception of the home and office telephones and the emails of Key UN Security Council members and UN weapons inspector Hans Blix in New York. Blix called the revelations "disgusting". See: http://www.guardian.co.uk/Iraq/Story/0,2763,1158352,00.html
http://observer.guardian.co.uk/iraq/story/0,12239,905936,00.html
By no stretch of the imagination could this be construed as an action taken to "protect the American people".

Nixon spied on his political enemies. How do we know Karl (destroy your enemy) Rove has not done the same thing for Bush?

The track record is dismal. President Bush demands that we just trust him to spy on Americans without oversight, for our own safety. He may feel that as President, he is above the law, but trust can only be earned not demanded.

[Wordie]

1. Wow...yet another spy story!

It looks like a good letter to me. I'd even mention that this seems to be a troubling pattern of the Bush administration, as you start out, because we're all thinking of the latest revelations, so it takes a moment to switch gears if we aren't told that this is yet another case of Bush spying.

I do think that there is supposed to be a hyphen in "lead-up."

[G_j]

3. good point

I may add something like this at the beginning:

In the context of recent revelations about administration spying, I am reminded of some recent history.

[EFerrari]

2. I'd turn it inside out. LOL!

President Bush demands . . . .for our own safety. But, his track record is dismal: Blix, peaceful anti war protestors, Quakers.

By no stretch . . . . American people".

Nixon also spied on his political enemies. That didn't turn out well for Mr. Nixon or for America

* *

You asked. :silly:

[G_j]

4. I wanted to include the Quakers

but my paper limits letters to 150 words.
(I'm at about 145) :-(

but switching some of the order might be effective.

thanks :hi:

[EFerrari]

5. Doug and I do this for each other all the time. I can't do it

for myself but if he hands me his LTTE, it's like solving a puzzle. 150 sounds like a good number. Longer, people's eyes glaze over.

Good luck!

[G_j]

6. I usually do 3 or 4 rewrites

it is a good exercise

[Wordie]

7. Couple other ideas here. (hope I'm not too late.)

This is subtle, and I can't give you any writing rules really, for while I think this is the case, but I think that last paragraph would be stronger if the lead sentence has Bush's name in it.

Here's how I'd do it:
The Bush track record is dismal. The President demands...
Adds one word, but imho, reads much better this way.

Then that last sentence...a few suggestions:
His actions show he believes himself to be above the law, but he is wrong. Trust can only be earned, not demanded. He does not deserve our trust.

Those aren't big changes, but I think it reads far stronger that way. These are just my ideas. I think you need a really definitive sentence to end with. And I haven't really counted, but my way might take you over the limit.

Some ways to pull some words out:
In the first sentence, reword it to say, "...surveillance operation involving the interception..." That's +1 words.

Here's another possibility:
...office telephones and emails of Key UN... (omit the "the") Another +1

And another:
Nixon spied on political enemies. (remove "his" - meaning is still clear) +1 again

Hope I didn't bombard you with too much here. Would you let us know if your letter gets published? I hope it does. It's a good letter! Thanks for writing it.

[G_j]

8. already sent it this morning, here is the final version

here it is:
http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_mesg&forum=104&topic_id=5645563&mesg_id=5645563

I very much appreciate your ideas.

perhaps others can find them of use also.


thanks!
:toast: