This is a sobbing/angry/heart-broken rant about men. You've been warned.

[WindRavenX]

I just need someone to listen to...I've been hurt tonight, and although I am still in love, I still feel heartbroken. That may seem contradictory..and I am sorry...but you've been warned. I know everyone is sick of sad posts...
I do not ask for much in life. All I want and need is coffee, good books, and patience.
I am young (19) and in love; which, many have said, is a fool proof recipe for disaster.
I am independent; I do not need to be in a relationship to be happy. In fact, I am able to be away from people and still be perfectly happy.
I should perhaps explain, as briefly as humanly possible.
Last November I met a man...I fell in love with him..very intense love. Yeah he is 24, but that doesn't matter. We love each other.
Well now, I go to school in Boston, but I live in Oregon. Long story short, summer came. He wanted me to stay, btu I needed to see my family. I was unkind to my parents during my teen years (go figure), so I wanted to make amends. Also my parents seperated during the school year, so I wanted to help out and make things easier for my mom, who works so hard. Well now, he lives in Boston. School is out for three months. He wanted me to stay...and I wanted to stay too...but I had to go. We talked, we cried, he thought we wouldn't work out if I went away..but I priomised to see him every month..it's just three months, and I'd see him every month..
Why is that so hard?
Why does it matter?
I'm sad too, you know. I'm restless. I don't sleep, don't eat well. You think this was easy on me?
And he's sensitive...he needs people. He's needy, like that, I guess. Bless him for needing someone other than simply for sex- he needs me.
But not two weeks apart, I noticed that in days of late, he stopped talking to me, stopped responding to e-mails and IM (whcih he never does, we always talk...). I knew something was up. Call it woman's intuition or whatever, but I knew he was distressed. He mentioned last week he was "Feeling the distance"
And then today he said he was sick; missed work because he was throwing up.
Well now, we were talking tonight and he was quiet. "Tell me what's wrong." He said he didn't want to talk about it. "Talk to me- you're feeling distressed and you're not talking to me. Talk to me."
And he said he was feeling lost (so am I, you know). Lost as in he doesn't know how he feels about me. I asked, "do you still love me?"And to that he responded: "I don't know". I've been away for two weeks, and you suddenly forget me?"
How...?
He said he hated me drinking (which I do NOT do mcuh of; never getting drunk in front of him but once). Hated that I loved sports (??) and politics (??) and other utter nonsense.
My heart broke. Distance surely cannot slaughter emotions as quick as this...
He misses me but he wants to inflict more emotional pain on himself by making him miss me more by not talking to me everyday.
I give up. There's more to say, but I'm too depressed and saddened...we're still together...but I'm lost too...I love him and that's all I know. Isn't that enough? Why isn't it? Why CAN'T YOU WAIT DAMN YOU!
I don't make any sense. I'm sorry..

[Leprechan29]

1. You make plenty of sense

I find it hard to believe that just two weeks away could do so much - If you are seeing him every month, then just look toward that day...it will make all the difference

[BlondieK143]

You can't give up parts of who you are for someone else.

I've been in your same situation. I'm struggling in a long distance one right now. I know what you mean. :hug: And I'm so sorry. But believe me when I say this, your love of sports, politics, etc. is what makes you who you are. Are you really ready to give up parts of yourself for someone who can't appreciate all of you? I'm sorry if it's not what you need to hear right now, but you're obviously a smart girl. And I'm sure that many guys would be LUCKY to have you. Hang in there and vent all you want. :hug:

[NMDemDist2]

2. 19 is tuff, I'm sorry it hurts so bad

and I know it does.

Have a good cry and get some sleep, things will look different in the morning I promise :hug:

[Rowdyboy]

3. He doesn't want you to drink, "hates" your two favorite passtimes

(sports and politics) and is trying to guilt you emotionally and you love this man? Why? Is it just physical attraction? He wants to change you, he tries to control you and mold you and you feel guilty?

I must say this-the guy is good at what he does. Hope you see through his bs and stand up for yourself. If he really returned your feelings, you would not have these problems. He would bend to your needs and try to accomodate your interests, just as you would surely do for him. A real love relationship requires compromise and giving on both sides.

Be careful and enjoy being 19 and single.

[WindRavenX]

5. Yeah that's the thing

He doesn't want me to "change" per say.
And yeah, the guilt trip thing ain't working. I am a compromising woman; and I expect HIM to work as well.
That said, logic such as that is not obviously functioning at a time such as this.
I really need to stop listening to Beck's "Sea Change" now..

[Rowdyboy]

8. Logic and love might as well be words in two different languages...

But the problem is not with you. Wallow in your sadness for awhile, for as long as you like. But don't put yourself down for not meeting his expectations. You have expectations of your own that are just as valid and he seems to regard them very lightly. Beware of men who treat your needs as obstacles to their happiness.

For now, relax, cry all you want, listen to whatever music helps, and, basically, do all the things that help you cope. Just don't lose sight of the fact that you're not the cause of this problem, he is.

By the way, I'm very sorry about your parents separation. My folks divorced when I was 24; remarried and divorced when I was 37. Losing your family hurts incredibly, even when you're an adult. At 24, I reacted by putting out a cigarette on my flesh. Now I'm 50 and I still have the scar. My heart goes out to you.

[cestmoi]

30. He is no prize.

This thing about his being sensitive. Girl wake up. If he were sensitive you wouldn't be going thru this torment. The only person he's sensitive to is himself. Men who display this sort of sensitivity are emotional black holes, you will be sucked into their orbit and then be destroyed. It's really difficult being 19 and in love. It's really really hard because feelings are so intense and needs are so intense. However intensity is not the best compass. Find someone who shares your interest and builds you up.

The other thing that spells trouble is that he used your drinking which he considers excessive as his excuse. That kind of criticism can lead one to drink because it is a put-down. If he were a truly good person who was concerned about your drinking he would have approached it differently.

Save your passion for someone deserving. Don't sell yourself short.

Girl. Get thee another man.

[Champ]

4. I'm so sorry

He seems kinda shady if you ask me. I mean if he does hate that you love those things he's nitpicking, a relationship can't work out if there is nitpicking. You really gotta love someone and accept the faults they have because everyone has faults. Realize this though, they're some good men out there, they may be hard to find but they're out there. You can rant anytime you want, it's best to get stuff off your chest. I, personally have had lots of stuff I never got a chance to get off my chest and it kinda ate away inside of me.

[K8-EEE]

We've All Been There

Thank GOD I didn't marry the first man I was in love with!!!!

Cannot emphasize this enough.

This man is needy; he is not as mature as you even though he's five years older. He's kinda whiney and incommunative; and he hates the fact that you love things (because he needs ALL your attention."

HE'S AN ENERGY/LOVE VAMPIRE! GAK!

RUN DON'T WALK! I know you're in love and it will hurt for a long time but not as much as if you let this cycle go on and on.

Do not change for this man. He doesn't deserve it....feel the pain, and one day it's a little less and then a little less and a little less and then...*pop!*

This is how you learn about love. Almost everyone has felt as you do now. I did once; but I wanted somebody who love me as much as they wanted me to love them, hold out for that. I'm the happiest married person I know these days, 18 years now!

[Rowdyboy]

9. Damn, just think...What if we had all stayed with the first person

we fell in love with. What a nightmare the world would be....(runs screaming from the room, pulling hair out)

[Misunderestimator]

14. GOD NO!!!!!

Yikes, what a thought! It's easy to see in hindsight, but so incredibly difficult to see when you're 19.

[Speck Tater]

23. I did that!

I married the first girl I dated and it took me 25 years to undo the damage!

[cestmoi]

33. Brilliant advice.

"I wanted somebody who loves me as much as they wanted me to love them"

This is great advice and a brilliant observation.

[K8-EEE]

6. Ooops sorry for the dupe!

self-deleted

[KissMyAsscroft]

7. The distance is getting to him...

It's weird but he doesn't feel that his needs are being met(no fault of yours), so he is acting cold to try and protect himself...I think he will bounce back when you see him...

Long distance relationships are like this...there are ups and downs but because you don't see each other they don't get worked out so there are these moments where you mentally "break up" with them even though they are not there. It's kind of strange in a way...but the weird thing is, when you see each other again it's like it never happened.

I suspect that this might be what is happening. Hang in there kid, if he likes you as much as he claims to...it will work out when you guys are closer again...I would just try to see this through and just accept that it isn't a perfect situation.

I am in a long distance thing too right now (Im a guy) and the truth is that I would wait for her and be patient because I care about her that much...

Don't ever let yourself get too dependant on anyone, no matter how much you like them..it is tough but you have to check yourself all the time and be sure that you are not giving up too much of yourself. It's a tough balancing act but no one ever said it would be easy.

[WindRavenX]

10. Word up...good advice

"I am in a long distance thing too right now (Im a guy) and the truth is that I would wait for her and be patient because I care about her that much..."
That's what I'm like. Patient...and perhaps too patient.
The reason I am isn't because I am dependent on him; which would KILL me. I am indendent. I just believe that if there's a good thing, and a small stupid thing hurts it, I will work to save it. Maybe that's bad, maybe it's good. I don't know.
Gack.
on edit:
It just KILLS me that it's only been TWO FUCKING WEEKS since I left. I WAS going to see him in two weeks from Friday...I just don't get how someone could be THAT needy where they cannot wait even a month :wtf:

[DS1]

27. 2 weeks is a bit sudden

to say the least.

Distance sucks, there's no two ways about that, but it's only a summer *sheesh*

[cestmoi]

35. You are fooling yourself if you believe you are independant.

Your posting reveals dependancy. Dependancy is not necessarily a bad thing unless you are dependant on a cad or sacrifice your sense self to maintain a bond. If a relationship is strong and true, dependancy is not an issue. The reality is that we depend on people and in an intimate relationship dependancy needs become very great which is why breakups are so devastating.

[Susang]

11. Doesn't it suck to not get what you really want?

While I am married now, I remember well that time in my life. Sometimes it just doesn't matter how much you love them, how right you think they are for you or how right you think you are for them, they still end up not wanting you.

The only advice I can give you is, just hang in there and see what happens. The man I married went through a stage like you're describing and we worked through it (obviously, since we got married). You really never can predict the future, but you can stay true to yourself. If you don't compromise yourself, making sure you live a fulfilling and active existence, then you'll be strong enough to handle what follows. Good luck kiddo. ;-)

[marzipanni]

12. "To Thine Own Self Be True"

(when curious, Google)

>snip
In order to develop their talents in the face of these obstacles, women must cultivate a number of protective factors known collectively as
"resilience." Resilience is the ability to respond to stress with competence. Numerous studies cite qualities such as
intelligence, emotional flexibility, independence, sensitivity, curiosity, and the willingness to reach out for love and support as
central components of the resilient personality. Other protective
factors include introspection, altruism, self-awareness, a sense of humor, optimism in the face of adversity, and a willingness to rely
upon one's own inner resources. (The researchers) reported that resilient
people believed they had the ability to exercise some measure of control no matter how dire the circumstances in which they found themselves. Because they were committed to living as fully as possible,
they developed their talents and abilities, acquired a high degree of personal discipline, and were willing to fight to preserve their own souls.
Resilience does not demand that individuals be superhuman or saints, but rather that they be committed to their own psychological health. As
Murphy (1987) said of the resilient members of her research cohort, they “wanted to be resilient and actively mobilized and responded to
anything and everything that would contribute to recovery".
These individuals took time to recuperate from trauma and setbacks and strove for a coherent philosophy of life that helped them maintain emotional vitality.
They learned to turn to themselves for comfort and safety, and to trust their own thoughts and beliefs rather than accept unquestioningly the ideas of those around them.
>snip

(sorry sentences are broken up in odd fashion- Mac to PC?)
from this- "To Thine Own Self Be True"-
http://print.ditd.org/floater=122.html

Remind you of you?


It sounds as if your man is trying to talk himself out of loving you so that your absence isn't so painful.

[truthspeaker]

13. You're 19. Forget this dork and move on.

And being needy is NOT a positive thing!

[rucky]

19. Agreed. This guy has stunted emotional growth.

by age 24, you either "get it" or you don't.

he don't.

you're reacting appropriately, but at least you know now you're being duped. better now than later, like if you had stayed.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

15. Aw, WindRaven, these things hurt almost as badly as grief

There's something about this kind of relationship that bypasses your logic circuits, goes straight to the gut, and starts twisting.

If he's starting to act weird after only two weeks apart, you have to consider that he's not quite healthy emotionally. He may be an attention junkie who needs constant reinforcement from someone who is physically present. He may be irrationally jealous ("I bet she's in bed with another guy this very moment!") He may simply be angry at you for leaving and "punishing" you with the cyber-equivalent of the silent sulk. (Stay away from silent sulkers, the people who make a point of showing how angry they are with you and won't tell you why. They are crazy-making passive aggressors.)

It DOES bother me that he complains about two of your major interests, sports and politics. Does he want you to give them up and just do what he wants to do all the time and share his attitudes on everything? Don't do it, because you will eventually feel trapped and unfulfilled.

You don't want to hear this from Auntie Lydia, but you need to back off from this guy and make a point of spending time with people who affirm you. Don't send e-mail, don't call, don't IM him, don't play sad music. Instead, communicate with your high school friends and your platonic friends from college. You probably have some friends who always make you laugh. Definitely get in touch with them.

That will make him realize one of two things: 1) that he's been acting like an ass, in which case he will apologize, or sad to say, more likely, 2) that you can't be emotionally manipulated, so he should move on to his next victim.

More than once in my younger days, the light bulb came on in my head when I saw instances in which platonic friends treated me much better than some guy who supposedly "loved" me.

I have been getting over relationships since before you were born, and the point is, I HAVE gotten over all of them. It was a real revelation to see my first head-over-heels love interest again a year after we parted, to find that without the hormonal haze, I didn't even like him.

In the meantime, :hug: and make the best of the rest of the summer.

[WindRavenX]

16. Thank you for the advice and that is what I am doing

See, ok, this guy is ridiculously brilliant (not exaggerating- he is a genius), but I hate to say that the sterotype of brilliant minds with some crippling of emotional intelligence is true in this case. Everything needs to have "an answer". Now, this is hillarious because as a scientific person, I am like that in MANY things. NOT when it comes to emotion/love and the relate items because I have learned (and he actually taught me this) when it comes to matters of love and emotion to NOT use my head and to use my heart.
Long story short, he does experiments (which I fucking hate more than anything else because there are somethings that SHOULD NOT BE TESTED). Gawd, ya'all remember my rants about being tested on the SATs- well, imagine hearing that. And it doesn't take an fing genius to realize experiments to determine the degree of emotional attatchment (whcih he is doing) is NOT HEALTHY.
My god, not everything has an neat n' tidy empirical answer...somethings cannot have an answer that just fucking lets you know. You feel it. That's my biggest fucking irk right now.
Now we got some anger goin' on, w00.

[rucky]

20. RUN AWAY!

this guy is psycho.

good riddance.

[VelmaD]

25. DUMP HIM!!! NOW!!!

I MEAN IT!!!

Ok, this "doing experiments" thing is just too fucking much. If he's a psychology major then it's incredibly unethical to "experiment" on your friends. If he ins't a psychology student an dhe thinks he's "experimenting" then he's just a fucking psycho who likes to manipulate people and he's using "experimenting" as an excuse.

DUMP HIM!

[JCMach1]

17. Far too needy... he's got stuff to work and he's passively aggressively

trying to control you...

It's his move, tell him to get over it, you will be back soon.

If not, buhbye

[WindRavenX]

26. Yeah I mean, it's not like I'm going away *forever*

My god, I'm a college student in Boston. I'm going back in September- that's not even theoretical :P
It's one of those things I can't comprehend. I love him, he loves me, I'll be back in September, so why can't he wait? The answer: he's too damn needy.

[northzax]

18. ok, this is going to sound harsh

you are a child. I know it doesn't feel like it, but you really are. So be a young woman, explore. You really shouldn't bother trying to pull off a long distance relationship at your age, they suck. if it's meant to be, it will still be in September when you're back in Boston, but if two weeks apart tears you up, then I'm sorry, but grow up a bit (this is all part of the process) if it was stable and good, you would be fine, but it's not. seriously, put him on the back burner and enjoy your summer.

sorry, but you'll learn (not too hard of a lesson, I hope)

[Speck Tater]

22. And he's worth going back to why?

Don't make the mistake so many people make (myself included) and end up tied to the wrong person for far too long before discovering that "love" has played you for a fool.

This guy sound VERY high-maintenance to me.

[northzax]

38. right, the idea is

that after two months without him, she can make a more rational decision about it, and think about whether she wants the controlling fool.

[Kahuna]

21. Maybe he's just punishing you for leaving him. I get the feeling..

he loves you but resents you not putting him first. Hopefully, he will see the light and stop this silly game.

[ScreamingMeemie]

24. I am sorry WindRaven. First you are to be commended for caring so

very much for your family. Second, if I could go back and change the way things were when I was 19. I gave up my family, the things I held dear, my principles for what I thought was love. I ended up with a baby and a shell of a heart. Do not lose who you are. Or you wind up looking back...and wondering.

All the best, Laura

[qwertyMike]

28. Guys don;t like to 'think' about relationships.

They just are.

You going away forced him to think about it. Especially with the phone calls, communications you were having.
He's mad about that - having to actually think about what he was feeling. Hence the ridiculous stuff about drinking, politics, sports. Red herrings. He can't even put a name to his feelings.

If you hadnt gone away everything woulda been hunky dory for him. You there, no need to think about it.

His brain hurts (confusion)

Guys!
PS I'm a guy

[welshTerrier2]

29. the basis of relationships

far be it from me to give advice, but since you asked, here are my thoughts ...

first, i have no intention of telling you to stay with this guy or leave him ... you do what you think is right for you ...

having said that, however, i'm hearing some very negative things about this guy in your post ...

love, my young friend, should be at least in part about marvelling at the interesting differences that each person brings to the relationship ...

your comment on mr. x: He said he hated me drinking (which I do NOT do mcuh of; never getting drunk in front of him but once). Hated that I loved sports (??) and politics (??) and other utter nonsense.


love should be about respect and an appreciation for your partner's values ... after showing a deep caring for the difficult times your parents are going through and how you felt you wanted to help them out, mr. x showed his "sensitivity" for you by:

But not two weeks apart, I noticed that in days of late, he stopped talking to me, stopped responding to e-mails

mr. x may indeed care for you very deeply and you for him ... but his conduct is not what good relationships thrive on ... if you stay together, I hope you can find a way to teach him it's important to respect you and the choices you make ... it sounds to me that there's a 19 year old out there with a whole lot more maturity than her 24 year old boyfriend ...

take your time, reflect deeply on what you value and why, and choose wisely ...

[GOPisEvil]

31. This guy is a control freak.

Painful as it seems now, break it off with him forever. He's nothing but pain waiting to happen in my humble opinion.

[lolly]

32. You know darn well what you should do

Your own words--your description of his behavior, and then--whoa!--his "experiments." WTF?

Sorry, but he is manipulative, controlling, and immature.

Controlling men (or women) don't always resort to violence. Sometimes they do exactly what this guy is doing. You can go back to him and he will be nice for a while, but I'm willing to bet he will soon find some other aspect of your behavior or some action of yours that needs to be controlled, and you will again get "the treatment."

You know this. Re-read your own letter and your own words.

Then just dump him.

[No2W2004]

34. What the hell's wrong with him?

Hmmm...you like sports & politics and occasionally drink?

And he has a problem with THAT???

:wtf:

He wants to force you to move back. Control freak. Move on!

[Amaya]

36. I had a long distance relationship

And it about killed me. We were 'in love' or so I thought. We were VERY serious.
After not seeing each other for long periods of time ... he said it was all too much. Then stopped loving me. Hard to imagine how some people can turn their feelings on and off?
The sad truth is you can't. He just didn't love me.

[MontecitoDem]

37. You DO make sense

And it probably does no good right now telling you that you will get over him and meet someone who really appreciates you, and gives you what you need! But it's true. Someday it will happen, most likely after a few more major heartbreaks.

Truly, almost everybody has been in your shoes at some point and it feels like the deepest most incredible pain you ever felt. And it will feel bad like that for a while. Read something great and romantic to get you through it - Anna Karenina, Spy in the House of Love, Persuasion, something!

It's great you can talk/write about it! Good luck and best wishes.

[markses]

39. You're getting gamed, sister

The guy is a manipulative son of a bitch, and he's sticking it to you. I know - I was a manipulative son of a bitch at 24, and I could game with the best of them.

Dump him.

Seriously. He's gaming you.

[PVnRT]

40. He just wants to control you

He figures he has a young, impressionable woman that he can mold into whatever version of woman that he wants. Let him have a walking piece of clay, if that's what he wants, because that's certainly not what you are.

[TahitiNut]

41. I read nothing in your post to confirm either of you are "in love."

Sorry. Perhaps that's "good news"? :shrug:

[Commendatori]

42. He did you a favor, believe it or not

You're getting off light - you're seeing his true character. A complete meltdown after two weeks? Now after two lousy weeks he isn't sure if he loves you?

You need to be with someone who will love you no matter how the winds of fate treat you, not someone who is so emotionally unstable that he punishes himself for whatever reason (to get you more concerned about him, to goad you into running to him, whatever).

You asked...

"Why is that so hard?
Why does it matter?"

...and those are perfectly reasonable questions. His behavior is not reasonable at all.

In short, he's a selfish asshole and you're better off without him.

If you were my sister, I'd want to beat his ass for trying to manipulate you like that.

Two years from now, you're going to be posting here remembering - with a laugh - "that dysfunctional, emotionally unstable, manipulative prick who tried to drive a wedge between me and my parents because he had to be the center of attention all the time."

I know it hurts, but - and I do not mean this as merely a feelgood thing to say - it's for the best. It REALLY is.