"What is appropriate dress for a funeral?"

[Zookeeper]

There is quite a long thread on the GD forum which started with this topic (actually called, "Why do Americans always dress like they are headed to the ballpark?") and has morphed into quite a few interesting tangents.

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?a2=view.all&address=104x1741293

('Hope I did that right!)

Do you buy the argument that manner of dress should not influence the way a person is perceived? Is your right to be comfortable more important than possibly hurting the feelings of your host/ess or grieving friend? Or should they settle for your inner beauty?

Is etiquette necessary to keep society civil or is it an oppressive, outmoded institution? Is this a horrible waste of time to even discuss because there are more serious problems in the world?

When a woman wears make-up and/or fashionable clothes, does it say something about her self-esteem? Is personal adornment a valid creative expression, or is it buying into our consumer culture?

I've been on that GD thread playing Devil's Advocate for Dolly Parton look-a-likes! And I hardly even wear make-up. I'd love to hear from some creative DU Lounge types....please!

[leftofthedial]

1. whatever the mortician puts on you

would work, I guess.

[Maeve]

2. Try not to up-stage the corpse

Or the chief mourner (assuming that's not you). Hitting on the widow(er) is also considered bad form.

[DS1]

3. Do not arrange for

a midget little person to carry you on his shoudlers, while you pump smoke down and underneath your robes which are long enough to still reach the ground. Certainly leave the fake skeleton hand at home too...

[name not needed]

4. hhaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

:D

[shanti]

29. *snicker*

you're funny, dude!

[DS1]

33. You think I'm funny?

...

(duped)

[DS1]

35. Funny how?

Do I amuse you? :evilgrin:

[Misinformed01]

5. Reagan's??? A dress made of old flour bags for women, black

plastic garbage bags for the discriminating homeless man.

[donco6]

6. No.

"Do you buy the argument that manner of dress should not influence the way a person is perceived?

Perhaps it "should not", but the fact is, it does.

Is your right to be comfortable more important than possibly hurting the feelings of your host/ess or grieving friend? Or should they settle for your inner beauty?"

Unless you have a painful boil or some medical condition that requires sweats and sneakers on a daily basis, get your ass into a coat and tie and show some respect you loser.

<only marginally exagerrating.>

[Pithlet]

12. Well put

:)

[Zookeeper]

7. Yaaaaaaaay!

Now I know I'm in the Lounge!

[GoddessOfGuinness]

8. About a year ago...

my stepson's infant died of SIDS. My 17 year old was very into Goth regalia at the time; and I was dreading the inevitable argument I'd have about appropriate attire.

I was quite surprised when my daughter-in-law and her sister approached me the day before the funeral, and asked me to let my son wear the clothes that he felt expressed himself best. I told them I was only concerned that my son not offend anybody with his style. They insisted that they would not be offended, and would be more upset if he was uncomfortable. My stepson even stepped into the conversation and agreed that he wanted his brother to be comfortable.

So naturally, the outfit my son selected was a nice pair of black slacks, a black shirt, and a maroon necktie. Sans spikes.

Go figure.

[Zookeeper]

10. Wow! Your family handled that very thoughtfully.

To me, this is the crux of the argument. People being concerned about each other. Your stepson and daughter-in-law were very gracious. And your son was good enough to recognize, on his own, that the occasion was not about HIM.

My condolences on the loss of your grandchild. :hug:

[DemoTex]

9. My father-in-law bought his suits from a mortician.

He was a penny-pinching orthopedic surgeon (could have afforded Brooks Bros.). The mortician was a friend (I always worried about a conflict of interest, there). Anyway, Doc T always joked about his "back-less" suits from the undertaker.

My dad used to play poker with a group that included a high-strung undertaker. When the undertaker lost a hand, he would shake and fume and always say, "Don't worry, I'll get you in the end!" My dad has outlived him by at least 20 years.

[put out]

11. I hope you can take this advice. I have not, but I did make notes.

I am no longer to bring my magic wand.

If candles and incense are needed, they shall be provided in the venue and I should not make contributions of that nature.

I can wear a baseball cap, if I wish. My significant others have requested that my cap be in a subdued color, and it would be better if I hot-glued a dark veil.

I have been asked to please hem my cutoffs. Hey, wait, are we talking about funeral wear?


Zookeeper, I can come up with more ways to raise eyebrows at a funeral; if have seen it in action. But, in real life, I wear a dress or a suit. I wear makeup and sunglasses to a funeral.

You are not an oppressive etiquettista.

Kim

[Zookeeper]

13. LOL! Thank you, Put Out! n/t

[Spider Jerusalem]

14. Well...

Etiquette is, essentially, a set of socially and culturally normative actions and responses which have evolved over centuries, and it exists in all societies (although it's markedly different elsewhere, of course).

And women (those who could afford to, anyway) have worn makeup and fashionable clothes since at least the time of the Pharaohs. No "consumer culture" back then.

Appropriate dress for most funerals, as far as I'm concerned, is at least a jacket and tie and preferably a dark suit if male, and a simple and not too colourful (white, black, earth-tone or grey) dress (with hose or stockings...no bare legs), pant suit or something of similar character if female....at least in America.

Now, if you were in China, you'd wear white, and there'd be professional mourners wailing, rending their garments, and screaming about the terrible loss your family has suffered, and musicians banging gongs, and generally a VERY different experience. It all depends on cultural context...

[YellowRubberDuckie]

34. Wait...will you go into more detail?

Why white? What the hell are professional mourners and WHY? Why does that seem creepy to me? I've lost so many people, I would have lost my mind if there had been people like them there. I lost my mind when my bro's ex girlfriend that we hate showed up.
Duckie

[No2W2004]

15. I guess it depends on where you are & what your religion is

Some religions say that the imediate family should not "dress up" or make efforts to look nice because they are in mourning.

Rule of thumb, don't wear bright colors or short outfits & you're OK.

Even better, the late person is donated or cremated and the "service" is held in a bar, or at someones home where the deceased can properly be remembered, with fun stories, or fond memories and everyone can be comfortable. If the dead person was a nudist, even better! :P

Funeral homes suck.

[Lou_C]

16. Barbara Bush is wearing this

[Zookeeper]

17. Well, that's creative and colorful!

I think she's trying to protect the integrity of her "beautiful mind."

[Lou_C]

19. She has to wear her pearls

You know how Babs likes to wear pearls with everything.

[Zookeeper]

24. Psst....look at her eyes....

I think she stopped at the club for a couple of pink squirrels on the way!

[MikeG]

18. A real loud, plaid sports jacket, white belt and socks.

If no plaid, bright red.

[Zookeeper]

22. Well, that says, "I'm making an effort."

Unlike a Gap-approved t-shirt and jeans.

[ncrainbowgrrl]

25. Liddy Dole was wearing something pretty close to that today.

She looked like a picnic basket with hair.

[Zookeeper]

26. I haven't been able to bring myself to watch...

the coverage of St. Reagan's death. The few glimpses I've seen suggest that our country is suffering from mass amnesia.

[HEyHEY]

20. A "Who farted" T-shirt

Sorry just revisiting another thread.

[Zookeeper]

23. LOL!

This is proving to be an interesting lesson in the difference between the General Discussion forum and the Lounge.

[Zookeeper]

21. Some posters on the other thread...

have expressed strong feelings that this is not an appropriate topic of discussion and a waste of time and energy due to all of the serious things going on in the world.

The view was expressed several times that just showing up for a funeral, even wearing a t-shirt and jeans, shorts or sweats, is enough. That just being there, as is, shows your respect.

My argument is that wearing something that requires a little more effort than jeans or sweats is an acknowledgement that the occasion (wedding or funeral) is a significant event, outside of everyday going-to-the-grocery-store life. The clothing doesn't have to be expensive or the latest fashion. The message to the happy couple or grieving family is "I care enough to make an effort, even if these shoes aren't as comfortable as my Keds. That's how important YOU are to me."

I just don't think a person grieving the loss of a loved one, or even the host/ess who has spent all day preparing a lovely meal, should have to even wonder what their guest means by showing up wearing sweatpants and a baseball cap.

[jus_the_facts]

32. "Oh indeed...their bereavement would be all the more depressin'....

....because somebody didn't DRESS UP! OOOOH THE HUMANITY!" *some other poster* :cry:

[Piltdown13]

27. I'd go with a suit or coat and tie for men

and nice, subdued dresses for women. I read some of that GD thread, too, with all the arguments about people expressing themselves, and how just showing up was respect enough, etc., etc.

However, I think it really boils down to showing respect for your hosts and the occasion itself, by dressing in culturally-approprate ways. And, right or wrong, our etiquette norms don't include wearing casual or sloppy clothes to funerals, weddings, and the like. Of course, personal fashion style is an important means of self-expression, but as mentioned above, conforming your style to that considered appropriate to the occasion is a way of demonstrating that you understand that the event in question is not about you -- or, more to the point, inappropriate dress can detract from the focus of the event onto the inappropriately dressed person, which is rude.

I understand that dressy clothes are often less comfortable than casual attire, and I know they can be expensive. But it's only for a few hours or a day at most, and you CAN dress nicely for a reasonable price -- I ought to know, I've been doing it for years!

Edit for a correction.

[PartyPooper]

28. A T-Shirt with a "Six Feet Under" logo.

:evilgrin:

[AwakeAtLast]

30. or "I'm with Stupid"

:evilgrin: :evilgrin:

[Zookeeper]

31. or...

"I went to this boring funeral and all I got was this lousy t-shirt" ?

[YellowRubberDuckie]

36. Funeral Attire:

A dark dress or suit with few accessories. When my sister passed away, I wore a lavender buttondown under a black dress(think kindergarten teacher tunic type dress, very professional), with black tights and black mary Janes. IF it's summer, no hose is acceptable. The family can look nice. But some can't. Some don't care. I was wreck that day, but everything only happened to my mother, and no one gave a shit how I felt.
Duckie

[Zookeeper]

37. That sounds painful...

and I do think your comment is a good example of why people should be especially sensitive and considerate in that situation. I'm really not big on rituals or telling people how to dress, but there is a good reason for "rules" about attire for funerals. When a family is grieving there is a greater chance for misunderstandings and hurt feelings.

Wearing jeans and sweats to a funeral isn't the accepted tradition. I could decide that my grieving friend wouldn't care if I wore shorts and a t-shirt to her dad's funeral. But what if she did? What if my friend felt like I was implying (through my choice to wear casual, everyday clothes) that her loss was not that big of a deal? Or, maybe she wouldn't care. But why take a chance???

Probably the best thing about "tradition" is how useful it can be during highly emotional times.

[YellowRubberDuckie]

38. I have an uncle by marriage who wore overalls to that funeral.

I lost my mind. I told him that if that was all the respect he was going to have for my family, he could just leave. I played bouncer all day.
Duckie

[Zookeeper]

39. Overalls?

Overalls....hmmm. :freak: Can you laugh about it yet?

[YellowRubberDuckie]

40. Yes...

But I still hate him...just like I hate his wife, my mom's sister.
Duckie

[jmowreader]

41. Whatever it is, Pickles won't be wearing it

Because cutting a dress out of the curtains and making yourself up as the Joker ain't it, DUers.

[ikojo]

42. I'm of the Alice B Toklas mindset....I prefer that people come

as THEY are and not dress up. I am not a formal person. If ya want to wear a tie dye then by all means wear a tie dye. If it's warm and you want to wear shorts then WEAR SHORTS. I am not really going to care what anyone has on (or doesn't have on) because I'll be dead.

I want klezmer and Grateful Dead music to be playing in the background as people tell stories about me.

[Zookeeper]

44. That sounds like fun...

you might want to inform people of your request ahead of time, so they know to also wear dancing shoes and rest up for the klezmer band.:)

However, it's still pretty risky to show up for someone else's funeral wearing a tie-dyed t-shirt and shorts, unless you know for certain that it won't upset the deceased's survivors.

[Fleshdancer]

43. I'll only speak for my own funeral.....

I don't care what people wear to my funeral, just as long as they show up and say incredibly good things about me and cry a lot. Oh, and no one is allowed to flirt with my husband. Those are my only conditions. :)

[Zookeeper]

46. Hmmm....

that must be one of the worst things about death...not knowing what's happening at your own "party."

[AlCzervik]

45. Business attire

Thats what i have worn to the too many funerals i've been to. I told my husband that when i go there will be no funeral, especially no wake with a viewing. Cremation and then he can keep or toss the ashes.

[Zookeeper]

47. My father-in-law...

made his wishes clear before his death (which was sudden and unexpected), that he did not want a funeral or any kind of formal gathering and he wanted to be cremated. My husband's family is scattered all over the country, and we all arrived to support my mother-in-law. However, she waited until we left and, without ceremony, scattered his ashes at sea.

It was surprising to me, but he was of the Depression era, served in WWII and had a very practical (and frugal) attitude.