An odd family question

[tcfrogs]

The facts:

I'm 33 (34 next Thursday) - Married, and not incredibly happily...

My wife is "vacationing" in Honduras

The important part - my brother wanted to visit tomorrow & this weekend with his new girlfriend.

Wife told me that she's really against them visiting - and staying at our house since she's away. She's not prepared (i.e. her things are all over).

What should I do???

[amber dog democrat]

1. Can you straighten up?

maybe stuff can fit into a closet.

[Fridays Child]

2. Clean it up for her, and let your brother and his girlfriend visit.

:shrug:

[nini]

3. if it's a matter of her things... then put them away

sounds like that may be an excuse though.

but it comes down to whether or not you want to put your wife or your brother first and if you want to work on the marriage

Good Luck.

[Eye and Monkey]

4. I have an "odd family", that's for sure.

But as for your question, doesyour wife have any more reason than that? Seems like you could put away her things.

[DIKB]

5. Never understood that mentality

"Clean up so they don't visit us, they only visit the mask we like to put on."

If you don't like me as I am, oh well.

[tcfrogs]

6. Thanks for validating my thoughts

Yes, I can clean up.

Not that it's a mess.

Wife's M.O. = CONTROL

She's in Central America = she has no control

[Zookeeper]

7. Find a big box...

gently put her things into it. Store it in a closet. Welcome your brother and friend. (And make sure the bathroom is clean!)

[tcfrogs]

8. Crazy that you said that!

Told her I'd put her stuff carefully in a box!

And, yes, I know very well how to clean the bathroom (done it many times for family & friends)!

[Zookeeper]

9. Then maybe...

you could give *my* husband some pointers. He's a great guy, good cook, but it would never occur to him to clean the bathroom if guests were coming (unless I reminded him).

Good luck with the situation! :)

[Eye and Monkey]

13. Of course, you could also ask if she'd like you to mail the box to her.

Or ask if she would prefer to pick it up when she gets back.

[delete_bush]

10. Why do you care?

The inference I get is that the wifey and you are on the fritz and you're not sure what she's up to on her "vacation". Do what you want. Or not, maybe I'm reading too much into this.

Or you can call Dr. Laura...

[tcfrogs]

11. No - nothing going on with her

General marital troubles...she's in Honduras, a long planned trip

[Rowdyboy]

12. Poor excuse on your wife's part (if you're telling the whole truth)

You know her, we don't. Will she freak? Will she leave? Does she already want to leave? Do you want her to leave? Why aren't you in Honduras?

I simply can't imagine someone so jealous and territorial that she would freak over the fact that your brother and his girlfriend visit. Have they hurt her in the past? Have you hurt her? If not, then welcome your brother and tell your wife to grow up.

[tcfrogs]

14. I'm telling the whole truth

I swear!!!!!

Not in Honduras because she arranged for a school trip (she's a teacher, if I didn't already mention that in this or another post). She's also traveling with a local celebrity & her son...

We haven't been getting along very well in the past few months - me being on DU (kidding).

Been thinking about leaving...no kids...although I'm now getting into an entirely different thread...

Thanks for reading/listening!

[clearconscious]

15. Thieves

What are they thieves?

[Rowdyboy]

18. I believe you

My partner is a high school Spanish teacher, so I know (somewhat) where you're coming from.

I can't tell you or her what to do. All I can say, is that my partner give me UNLIMITED time on DU (even though it bores him to tears). We both accept each others exentricities and it works for us. He does his thing, I do mine, and we both wind up in your classic "spooning" position every night.

It works, but only if you're both kind of in the same place in life. I really wish you well.

[tcfrogs]

21. Was only joking about spending time on DU

But - I've gotten the same "clearance" to spend my own time doing my fantasy baseball stuff. Within reason, of course.

Still - it leads to a bigger problem - which I believe is that I don't really want to be with my wife. Love her, but am not happy. Different thread building....sorry.

[pansypoo53219]

16. let em visit

and just leave her crap.
we had this stupid thing with my step-monster. averything had to be a lie. just so my pater didn't have to deal with her bitchiness. heck. don't tell her they came, but if she finds out. tell her so what.
tee hee. control freaks piss me off and i bet i am a control freak. but in a very very low key way.

[The empressof all]

17. OK here goes- You can all call me weird here

I think I can sort of understand how your wife may feel. I would feel somewhat uncomfortable with overnight guests in my home when I was not there, Especially when it was sprung on me at the last moment (Then again I kind of freak out when people sit on my bed.) I am not sure I can articulate what the anxiety is but your wife could feel more exposed and vulnerable by opening up her home turf without her control. I do not think this is necessarily a major character flaw here. Everyone has their own particular quirks and if you want to maintain any relationship you need to be able to tolerate a little oddness now or then. My SO and I have been together almost 20 years and I have to say I still do not understand how he thinks the way he does sometimes. But there is little I would not agree to compromise on if it is important to him. I think in this particular situation since you caught her off guard and she is bristling you should back away from having them spend the night. It can be something you can figure out with her at a later time when she gets home.

[suigeneris]

19. Easy

No question about it. Explain your problem and tell them not to come. Then tell your wife and score a couple of points for decency.

[tcfrogs]

20. kick

need more help!

[necso]

22. Let them come.

It is not a good sign that your wife is trying to keep you apart from your brother. This is a feeble excuse, and to my mind shows too great a concern for appearances.

If your wife goes ballistic about it, then you have to think carefully about your circumstances.

Treat her stuff with respect, but you and your family deserve to be treated with some respect too.

I would add a lot of my negative stuff from own experiences, but you probably know where I am going.

[tcfrogs]

23. I'm also leaving out some major facts

My brother is an alcoholic - prone to slip-ups. His current girlfriend sounds great - but I hope she can deal with his behavior/or help him change it.

As I said before - wife is a very controlling type - if she can't control the situation, she's not happy. Her being in Honduras makes her very helpless.

[necso]

24. He is still your brother, dude.

And the larger questions becomes: "How is the whole control thing working out for you?".

If your brother screws up, then you will have to deal with it.

But if it wasn't for the wife, would you be turning him away?

[tcfrogs]

25. Well..

I've stated earlier that things aren't exactly rosy between us...control issues are at the center of our counseling discussions.

My view is that any relative/friend who needs a place to stay is welcome.

OOPS - Did I divulge some marriage counseling secrets?

Love my brother, he's my only sibling. He's fucked up since he was 16 (two DWI's before graduating from high school). Straightened himself up enough to gradutate from U of Iowa. Used to weigh near 250 lbs, (he's only 5'11")- now thin as a rail. Still binges on booze, with absoultely no explanation. Wish I could help him.

[necso]

26. I am not sure that you can help your brother.

But you can treat him like one. There is a lot I don't care for in my own brother, but I treat him with respect... although we are not close.

Look, I don't want to interfere in your counseling thing. But I will say this much. People do not change their basic character, although they can sometimes change how they express it. Moreover, any "compromise" that has you submitting to her control is not a compromise, it is an accommodation. People who are into control will have a lot of ways of constructing and construing their actions, but it all comes down to just having things the way they want.

I went through a lot of this BS, and what irked me most is that the rules always seemed to apply only to me.

Look, in the end it is whatever gets you by, but you owe to yourself to be honest (to yourself) about it.

Going against your wife's wishes in this thing may be the first step on another journey. If you are not prepared for whatever consequences may come of it, then let it slide. But know why you are letting it slide, even if you make some other excuse to your family.

[tcfrogs]

27. Kick - An update

Brother has come into Chicago, staying at a hotel with his girlfriend.

Been bouncing the issue around with my other friends, and they all say my wife is being ridiculous.

Leads to larger marriage issues - but I totally agree. I felt so ashamed to tell my brother that my wife wasn't comfortable with them staying here.

Any further advice??????

[RoyGBiv]

30. Your wife is being ridiculous...

I don't want to be the one to enable a conflict here. You ultimately have to figure this out on your own and figure out what is best for you and your situation, i.e. what you want with the big picture.

But, your wife is being ridiculous. He is your brother, alcoholic or not. Does he habitually steal or destroy things? Did you agree not to let him stay? If so, that might be different. If not ... well, you have the knowledge you need.

I have a different level of advice, though. Do not use this, or any comments in your favor, as ammunition against your wife. Her control issues are almost certainly derived from a childhood sense of helplessness, likely at the hands of someone else who was a control-freak, an abuser, or something along those lines. If you shove this in her face, you will in effect become the incarnation of the person or people who helped generate this part of her personality. That will make you the bad guy, and you will lose, one way or the other.

[bearfan454]

28. It's your house too.

You know what I mean ?

[tcfrogs]

29. Agreed

Stuck between a rock/hard place.

Please help give me strength to leave my wife.

Read the earlier posts - I just can't cope.