Relationship advice... for a good friend, please read.

[neverborn]

Okay, I'm posting this because one of the girls in this story is one of my best friends, and I care about her a lot. So bear with me.

I'm going to refer to the two girls that are in this relationship as 1 and 2, with the other girl being referred to as 3.

1 and 2 have been going together for about five years. They're deeply in love, but not without their problems. 2 has always had a sort of obsession with her ex-girlfriend, who we'll call 3. 2 and 3's breakup was violent, with 3 being accused of many forms of abuse by the end of it. She did some time for assault or battery, I believe. 1 and 2 have had little quarrels between them about it, because 2 literally has no willpower when it comes to 3. 3 is a complete sociopath, she's been in a mental hospital, and should be in prison for rape but they couldn't prove it. It doesn't help that 1 looks quite a bit like 3, either.

But 3 hasn't really been around much, and 1 even put a restraining order on her. 1&2 have had their own private "marriage ceremony" -- not official, of course -- but the meaning is still there for them, rings and all. 3 got out of the mental hospital yesterday, and called up 1&2, saying some of her belongings were at their house, and she wanted them back. They agreed she'd come and get them.

3 got her stuff, and before she left, gave 2 a hug. 3 said "2... don't you wish we could be together again... without all the bullshit problems we had?" 2 said she didn't, that she had a new love now, and things couldn't be just magically the same.

3 said "But... now that I'm on meds... things could be like they were again... imagine if you were given a choice... to give up all you have to come back and try again... would you?" 2 said she would, they kissed, and 3 left.

This was all in front of 1, who after a long fight, threw her ring at 2 and said it was the last straw and stormed out to her friend's house. 2 left to go somewhere, and 1 came back with friends to 2's house(they live together).

*Note: I don't condone her behavior at this part, just saying what happened*

1 goes into 2's room, and searches it for anything she can find. She finds a small box hidden with tons of pictures and love notes from 3... presumably from 5 years ago, but there were recent pictures too.



I heard this story for hours last night over the phone. 1 is with her friends, and probably suicidal -- but that's not the issue. The two girls she's with will take care of that. This was 1's only relationship and 1 is convinced she's the only girl for her... that she was truly in love.

What should she do? :/

[Cornus]

1. The real issue

"1 is with her friends, and probably suicidal -- but that's not the issue."

To hell with the rest of the shit going on...for me THAT would be the REAL issue.

[neverborn]

2. It would be ... but...

I know and implicitly trust those two girls. One of them is a psychiatrist, and the other one has been her best friend for a long time. With those two with her, nothing bad will happen.

I also didn't want to make suicide the issue because it will get this post locked.

[wryter2000]

3. There is no such thing as "the only one for me"

Lots and lots of people have lost the "only one for me," through death and other things. They recover and love again if they allow themselves to. 2 doesn't sound much more stable than 3 to me, and I'd get clear of her asap.

[Champ]

16. Yeah definitely

There are over several billion different personalities out there, I think I (or anyone) can be strongly compatible with AT LEAST a 1,000 of 'em.

[ScreamingMeemie]

4. She should be glad that 2 went back with 3. Obviously 2 has some

issues and unfortunately 1 was a replacement for 3. There are other numbers in the mathbook. It may be 4 or 5 or even 10, but I think in the end, your friend will be glad this happened sooner and not after 10 years.

Good luck to her,

Laura

[neverborn]

13. You think then

that 1 should totally break off with 2?

[ScreamingMeemie]

23. Yes I do. That was completely horrid of 2 to do to her, and even

if they were to stay together it would haunt them in my opinion. She deserves better than that.

[neverborn]

24. I agree.

[Philosophy]

5. uh...5?

No, wait: 6...yeah, definitely 6. :dunce:

[camero]

6. Obviously 3 is not better

1&2 should sort it out and get 3 out of their lives. The past is in the past. Just my 2 cents.

If 3 was better she wouldn't be discussing things around 1 with 2. 3 was baiting.

[neverborn]

8. 3 *was* baiting.

But that doesn't change what 2 did.

[camero]

11. True you're right

1 will be better off without 2 and find someone else.

[DoveTurnedHawk]

7. 2 Is a Bad Stretch of Road, and 1 Needs to Pull Over

At a bare minimum, 1 should seriously reevaluate their relationship, and do it APART.

Personally, I'd be gone like the wind, 2 sounds completely f'ed up. And if this is really 1's first relationship, then she will get over the "only girl for her" part of it, I imagine. What 2 did was fundamentally and enormously disrespectful. It's like a slap in the face.

DTH

[neverborn]

9. Yes.

2 and 1 have had little fights before about 2 and 3 getting too close... it finally came to an ultimatum that either 1 got a restraining order on her and 2 stayed the fuck away, including no phone calls, or it'd be over.

But apparently there's some contact behind 1's back, as shown be the recent pics. :/

[supernova]

10. Yikes! I hope everybody is on meds!

Seriously. This is one fucked up triangle.

There is no "one and only" for any of us. There are plenty of potential one and onlys for all of us in the world, believe it or not. When you breakup, it only feels like the end of the world. It isn't. Life's just different, that's all.

Newsflash: a relationship will not cure any of these people of the desperate lonliness they seem to feel. Is everybody in their 20s? It sure seems like it.

Their mistake was in letting 3 come by to "get her stuff." Riiiiight. She was there to cause problems more than get her stuff. It's also a violation of the restraining order. That could have been done differently to avoid the blowup I'm sure everybody knew was coming.

1 needs some space to get her head screwed on straight and probably counselling.

2 needs serious counselling to deal with why she's attracted to abusers.

3. needs to keep meeting with her probation officer, taking her meds, and abiding by the restraining order.

If I were 1 and 2, regardless of whether they work it out, I would not give out any more info to 3. Period.

Sorry if I sound harsh. But abusers don't take subtle hints. They don't play fair. They don't understand anything except clear actions against their behavior.

edit: I've changed my mind. Everybody should separate from everybody else. Codependent relationships are no good for anyone.

[neverborn]

12. response

1 is 20
2 is 29
(Yes, I realize that's 15 and 24 for the five year figure earlier. I know. :x )
3 is 21

3 is on meds.

1 is really a normal girl... maybe a bit dependent on 2, but she's not really fucked up in the head as 3 definitely is and 2 may be.

2 isn't.

As far as "getting her stuff", she called 2's cell phone apparently. 2 just told 1 "Hey, 3 is coming by to get her stuff." -- no discussion or anything.

[DoveTurnedHawk]

14. Uhh...Based on That Fact Pattern, 2 Is a Complete and Total Dirtbag

And 1 should run screaming.

2 is a pattern child molester. She, an adult at all times, was with 1 when she was 15, and probably with 3 when she was 15, or younger.

2 should be reported to the police, IMO.

DTH

[neverborn]

15. You're wrong. :/

Trust me.

[DoveTurnedHawk]

17. Sorry, But a Mid-20's Going Out With 15-Year-Olds Just Squicks Me Out

There is something fundamentally wrong with a person who preys on underage kids like that, IMO.

DTH

[neverborn]

18. Normally, I'd agree.

But not this time. There's extenuating circumstances I can''t reveal at the moment.

[supernova]

19. They might be less extenuating

and more squicking than you imagine.

Perhaps you're too close to the situation to tell?

[neverborn]

20. WTH does squicking mean.. and...

#1 is 20 years old now. If she feels #2 took advantage of her or is a child molestor, she is well within her rights to call the police. However, I know it's not going to happen -- it was consentual and no "preying" was involved.

[DoveTurnedHawk]

21. Squicking Means Extreme Grossing Out and Being Made Uncomfortable

My point is not whether 1 will do anything about it. Based on what you've already said, I'm sure she won't.

My point is, what kind of person is #2 such that she voluntarily enters into illegal relationships with people who are many years her junior, with people who haven't even finished growing yet, with people who are only a couple of years out of puberty. And that's not even addressing the issue of sexuality!

MAYBE you could justify it once based on some kind of "soul mate" theory (even though I would never attempt that justification, personally). But TWICE?

#2 has SERIOUS problems. You've already acknowledged as much, earlier in the thread. What I'm saying is, her problems almost certainly go even deeper (MUCH deeper) than even you originally thought.

IMO, anyway. I'm no psychologist, and you're right, I don't know any of these people.

But the whole thing just stinks, to me. #2 seems pretty reprehensible, based on what you've told us.

DTH

[neverborn]

22. CRAP!!

#3 is *31* -- I didn't realize I typo'd until I was like "twice??"

Then I read my post and was like ... oh. :x

[neverborn]

25. Kick for late night opinion

:kick: