BIG disagreement with wife

[tcfrogs]

OK, here goes...

Forgive me if you've read parts of this before - I've posted the story already.

My wife was in Honduras last week. She left on a Sunday morning. My brother (my only sibling) called Sunday evening, and told me he wanted to visit here in Chicago with his girlfriend.

Wife called to check in...

Told her that my brother decided to come in town with his girlfriend of 6 months - wanted to stay at our house. (We own a very nice & spacious home in Chicago)

Wife said NO! She wasn't ready for someone to visit our house. Her "stuff" was all over the bedroom they would stay in, and she was uncomfortable with that.

I abided by my wife's wishes - they stayed at a hotel in the Loop.

I FEEL LIKE A COMPLETE SHIT!!!!! I called my brother afterward & apologized - and told my parents the same.

Wife is still sticking by her argument.

Any opinions? I'll add any details if you need...

[Archae]

1. Trust me on this...

Your wife comes first.

Your relatives after.

(According to her.) :-)

Not worth the frying pan on the head if you disobey her.

[izzie]

2. Stick with your wife.

Some one in your home should be both of you for it.. And feel happy it is that way. I not only had to put up with my husband doing that but my mother-in-law.

[Scottie72]

3. Go with your wife...

Go with your wifes decision... even though I think she was wrong. She must have her reasons. (Her stuff all over the bedroom they would stay in)

Was it possible for you move her stuff to another room while they stay?

This is family so the it is forgiveable if the acomindations are not perfect.

[TheWizardOfMudd]

4. I think your wife is insecure or jealous about something or someone

[bearfan454]

32. Yes.

Is your brothers girlfriend a hottie ?

[no_hypocrisy]

5. Your brother will have to understand: you have to live with your wife.

My mother practically had the same script when we asked if anyone could stay in the house, let alone visit. My father stayed married for 52 years because he knew when to let it go . . .

[Kahuna]

6. Your wife could have removed her "things" from the room..

I'm sure you suggested that. What did she counter with? :D

[Misinformed01]

7. Not one DUer knows what kind of "stuff" your wife had in the room

I very well might have said the same thing to my husband---

Sorry you were disappointed with your wife's reaction, and that you feel like you had to "treat a family member" badly...however, sometimes that's just the way it goes.

Stephanie

[cheezus]

64. nobody likes the in-laws finding their bondage gear and drugs

it's her home too, and she has a reasonable expectation of privacy

[xchrom]

8. it's a scientific fact

the man who keeps his wife happy and content lives longer and is healthier than everybody else.
do what your wife tells you;-) -- and live long and prosper.

[HuckleB]

25. It's true that married folk live longer and are healthier.

However, within that group are unhappily married folks. If this is typical behavior for his wife, he may find himself miserable and depressed in time, and, thus, he may not live longer. Sometimes standing up for oneself, trying to develop a mature relationship leads to far more happiness in the long run. Simply backing down is no answer.

[chemenger]

9. Stand by your wife ...

PERIOD!

Sorry, but it's a no-brainer.

[Loonman]

10. I found these the other day

Yours? I guess blood isn't thicker than water.

[BiggJawn]

11. Your parents understand...Don't know about your Bro...

Your mom has probably told your dad the same thing. 6 months? I think your Bro and his Squeeze are still honey-mooning, so she prolly hasn't done the same thing to him yet.

Do NOT feel like a shit! Anyone who's been in a long relationship would understand.

[SheilaT]

12. You did absolutely the right thing.

I'm sure had your wife been home, she herself would have removed her things and then brother & friend could have stayed with you. As almost everyone else has said, keeping your wife happy is essential to your own health and longevity.

[latebloomer]

13. I think your wife was wrong

and I think in future you need to assert yourself if you don't want her to control you. You could have acknowledged her feelings and then offered to clear her stuff out of the guest room.

I disagree with other posters who say to accede to wife's wishes if you want a long healthy life. Becoming a wimp who swallows his feelings would not be healthy either. Communication and negotiation-- yes!! Compliance to She Who Must be Obeyed-- no way!

I'm a woman and I would say the same if the roles were reversed.

[Xithras]

22. Wrong or not, it's her home too

I just can't understand the mentality of the people suggesting that he should take his siblings side over his wifes (well, in a nation with a 50% divorce rate I guess I can understand the mentality). When you marry, you are taking someone as your PARTNER. You have to make decisions TOGETHER. No matter how dumb her argument may have been (and in this case I think her argument was stupid), the fact is that she had a serious problem with people staying in her house at this time. We may disagree with that problem and call it petty, but in partnership you have to RESPECT the wishes of your partner.

The situation would have been slightly different if the sibling had been looking at sleeping on the street, but that didn't happen...we're talking about the convenience of the brother, nothing more.

[truthspeaker]

34. But she wasn't there. Why should she care?

And no, I don't automatically accede to the wishes of my partner. If her wishes are unreasonable, she's SOL.

[johnnie]

14. It's the in-law thing

There are probably a lot of reasons for it, but it seems that there is a natural pissing contest among in-laws. Not all, but many.
I say leave it be and carry on.

[SmokingJacket]

15. It was mean of her to put you in that position, though...

Yeah, it's her house too, so you did the right thing by respecting her wishes. But I think accomodating your brother would have been a nice gesture. Husbands and wives should try hard to be good to the in-laws.

Because now you feel like crap and probably resent her, right? I try not get in between my husband and his family. They go back long before I came on the scene.

[aquart]

83. For six months?

That's not accommodation, that's tenancy. That's two women in the kitchen. That's no privacy, period.

If she'd had a fit over a long weekend, I'd think she was unreasonable. But SIX MONTHS????????????????

[Rabrrrrrr]

16. You were right, you did the right thing, she was wrong

I'd call it irrational on her part, and the kind of irrationality that someone annoys me about my partner.

But you did the right thing in letting her have her way on that one. And perhaps a good thing if you don't tell her she's wrong.

I couldn't imagine NOT making my home available for a relative that I liked and trusted, especially for something as trivial as "they might see my underwear". Who cares? Hospitality is also important, as far as I am concerned.

[Skittles]

17. if you have such a "spacious home"

could they not have stayed in another room?

[truthspeaker]

18. You're wife is a control freak and was totally wrong

If she wasn't home, why the fuck would she care who is staying in your house (as long as it's not a single, unrelated woman)? Next time she's out of town, don't even bother telling her someone is staying over.

[HuckleB]

19. Dude. It's your brother. Your wife was wrong.

I understand the desire to have the house perfect. But that's no excuse to tell family that they can't stay with you. I mean, maybe if you were estranged somewhat from your brother, but I don't get the impression that you are. I know my wife wants the house to be perfect for guests. But she would never tell me my siblings or parents couldn't come over. She would make sure that I cleaned the place up, but... you just don't make family stay in a hotel for a short visit because things aren't perfect. I'm sorry, but your wife was in the wrong on this one.

[pagerbear]

20. Seems a no-brainer to me

The wishes and feelings of the person to whom I've committed my life vs. the convenience of my brother. It's not about who's right or wrong or a control freak or anything else.

Nothing in your post suggests that staying in a hotel was a tremendous financial burden for your brother (or you, if you paid for him), or that he resented it, or that you and he didn't enjoy his visit anyway.

[HuckleB]

23. Baloney.

It is about control, about the quality of the marriage. Unless the in-laws are freaks, and there is a very good reason for them to stay elsewhere, and unless she has made her wishes on such matters known, hopefully before marriage, this is just penny-ante nonsense. Life is too short for this type of crap. In most societies this is a non-issue. Only in uptight America would this be an issue. It's time for folks to get over themselves. In this case, that would be his wife.

[pagerbear]

27. Well, as luck would have it

...neither one of us knows the whole story. I can think of lots of reasons for someone's discomfort with having guests in her home in her absence. Who knows whether any of these is the case? Certainly not I.

Based on the post, I didn't think the wife's request was unreasonable, and we seem to disagree there. That's OK--I'm not a good debater, but I can live with differences of opinion.

[HuckleB]

29. I just see it as evidence of a bigger problem.

That, yes, may or may not be there. However, her desire has created a bigger problem within the family, regardless of what they say. His brother is less likely to visit now, and his parents may be, too. This isn't good for the marriage or for his or her relations with his family. This has caused a disconnection, and for what? For a little "discomfort"?

I'm just glad I married a generous woman who would never put me in this position.

[gpandas]

39. for reasons of privacy (mine and theirs), i prefer the hotel...

and worry if they think i'm acting "better than they are"

[HuckleB]

41. Privacy?

Oh, come on. Unless you just don't want to be around these people all that much, I just don't buy it. What has our society come to, if we can't spend a few days around each other once in a while?

It boggles my mind. When my wife goes to the coast with her three main compatriots, she has to bring our blow-up mattress because one of them doesn't want to share a bed. It's just bizarre to me. I share backpacking tents with my guy pals all the time. And, guess what? Nobody thought a thing about it. Nobody used to think a thing about this kind of stuff. It's a modern conceit, and I don't think it's a good one.

[gpandas]

49. that's your choice ...

of course my choice is invalid, and i'm conceited for having my choice. from the tone of your response i'm quite sure i don't want to spend any time with you, no matter the circumstances

[HuckleB]

56. I never said you couldn't do it.

However, I also have the right to wonder about why such an attitude is so apt to occur within Americans. It makes me wonder about our cutlure, what feeds this sort of thing? What makes spending time with one another so difficult for some? This doesn't happen in most cultures. In most parts of the world, a short visit would mean wanting to be around each other as much as possible during the time you've got. For us, it seems, we miss that sort of connection. It becomes something we must do, and must escape from. I really think there's something within our culture that drive this, and I don't think it's healthy. And I do think I'm allowed to think this and share my opinion.

[gpandas]

61. did not read this post before your next one...

but thanks for the civil tone. i never said you have no right to post your opinion or share it. wtf

[AlCzervik]

21. this will sound wishy washy

but i can understand her side and yours. She could have asked you to remove whatever stuff of hers was in there. Also was that the only availbale bedroom? How many nights were they staying? Maybe she would have said yes if she was actually there, ya know? She could have cleared out the space herself.

[Westegg]

24. I feel your pain...

...Not to be a fence-sitter, but, with the limited details you've provided, I can see both sides of this argument. Perhaps your brother should have given more advance notice. And you do want to keep your wife happy. Does she dislike your brother? Was it a financial burden for him to stay in a hotel? If so, perhaps you could have paid for it (and maybe you did). On the other hand, sure, people can be pretty touchy about their "stuff"---but I'll bet you could have fairly quickly secured/put away your wife's possessions, so my feeling is she over-reacted about this.

Is your wife being straight with you about her reasons for denying your bro? Sometimes people give one reason when the real reason's something else (and by "people," I mean, of course, "wives"---please don't flame me!!). I'll bet it's the girlfriend, and not your bro, that was at the root of your wife's reaction.

Your wife's gotta know that the next time she sees your bro there will be some tension there. Apparently, she isn't too worried about that. I'd explore this issue further, but not as an argument. I'd say, "I understand what your concerns were, but YOU have to understand that this was very awkward for me and I feel guilty. YES you are my companion for life and I love you but my bro is my bro. So let's try to lay down some ground rules so this kind of dilemma doesn't happen again."

Best of luck to you.

[Insider]

26. your wife is your partner

you don't have to agree with her judgment
you don't have to defend her either, IMO
but like someone else said, it is her home too
you did the right thing

i wonder if this was way out of character for your wife.

[DemOverseas]

28. HEY

I had agreed for my husband's brother to come for a visit. He is still here after 3 months and we are both climbing the walls. He plans to leave on July 19th. I wish I had talked with your wife before this happened. It has not been a joy ride.

[HuckleB]

31. Sounds like two very different types of visits.

Most visits have set itineraries, when people are going to leave. There's a big difference between a long-weekend and three months.

Set some boundaries.

[funkybutt]

30. VERY similar situation just happened to me!

My husband told his sister and her 4 kids that they can stay with us next week and go to 6 flags...even after before telling them that they should probably find a hotel b/c our house is under construction.

the extra bedroom is not usable do to a bathroom addition we're working on. This is absolutely NO situation for company...and it's dangerous for kids!

Since he had already told them okay, i didn't want him to call them back and tell them "no" b/c then they'd know it was due to my objections...situation sucks ass!

[HuckleB]

35. Sounds quite different to me.

Your house is under construction. You've got safety considerations. None of these applied to the situation under discussion.

[truthspeaker]

36. plus, you were home at the time

[CrownPrinceBandar]

33. A couple of points..................

First, why did you guys invest in a house with a guest room, if the only purpose it serves is a place for your wife to keep her stuff? Kinda defeats the purpose of a "guest" room, unless your wife considers her stuff "guests".

Next, I have to agree with the posters that this is all about control. Your wife is not there, and she feels threatened by semi-strangers in her house when she's not around. So she lays down an ultimatum to compensate for HER lack of control. You conceded, wise move (for now).

However, you need to address this subject to your wife as soon as she returns. A marriage is a mutual agreement. You have a stake in the home and deserve to avail yourself of the guest room too. If your wife travels out of town often, this may be a recurring problem. Its better to address it now than have an awkward situation later.

Just my $0.02

[gatlingforme]

38. Good point, I agree. They should address the problem when

his wife gets back and he did the right thing at this point. I like your answer--- well thought out. :)

[truthspeaker]

37. Let me ask you this:

If you wanted to host a poker game in your house while your wife was out of town (and planned to clean up before she got back), would she expect you to ask her permission to do so?

If the answer is "yes", you need to contact a divorce lawyer. Today.

[RedCloud]

40. 25 years of marital experience here.

I will analyze the salient parts of your statement:

<My wife was in Honduras last week.> (So, she dumped the good ole USA? Why? Because your Cubbies are looking ahead at the Cardinals?)

<She left on a Sunday morning.> (Can't stand religion, eh? I am starting to favor her a bit.)

<My brother (my only sibling) called Sunday evening, and told me he wanted to visit here in Chicago with his girlfriend.> (Only sibling, eh? Okay, so we know he is probably not a cannibal. Sounds like he had romantic inclinations.)

<Wife called to check in...> (Hold on, sir! It has been proved in another DU thread that you cannot make these phone calls from speeding airlines. And if she was really in "Honduras", did you hear anything unusual from the room she was in?)

<Told her that my brother decided to come in town with his girlfriend of 6 months - wanted to stay at our house. (We own a very nice & spacious home in Chicago)> (Did she finally mention to you WHY she went to Honduras or are you the only one fessing up info? Plus why is your only sibling keeping track of how long he has been with his girlfriend? Or is someone else keeping track?)

<Wife said NO!> (At this point she has no legal rights in the USA as she is now an ex-patriot. Now, many will disagree but at this point if you get steamrolled, she will gain several months of your life. Each time she gets her way when it is illogical you lose part of your life and she gets it rewarded. See "God's secret plan to help women outlive guys they can push around like a mop", page 7.)

<She wasn't ready for someone to visit our house.> (But you were, in fact, the default ruler of your realm and allowing some "illegal" expatriate to dictate surrender terms from afar and using only a phone as a WMD, doesn't sound too frightening.)

<Her "stuff" was all over the bedroom they would stay in, and she was uncomfortable with that.> (Is this "stuff" a buzz phrase for something else, say, paraphernalia or porno collection? And why has your Honduras loving wife not left her "stuff" in your bedroom or love factory?)

<I abided by my wife's wishes - they stayed at a hotel in the Loop.> (At least they were not out of the Loop. Maybe your wife has a new disorder: "If I can't sleep with my husband or at least in that bedroom not too far down the hallway, then nobody can!")

<I FEEL LIKE A COMPLETE SHIT!!!!!> (This would only be true if you believe "W" and his stories.)

<I called my brother afterward & apologized - and told my parents the same.> (Getting the parents involved was ganging up too much on your illegal alien wife. Simply call the "migra". In about ten years they will send someone to check it out.)

<Wife is still sticking by her argument.> (She is also "sticking" with hot hondureño humidity. I would suggest flying there immediately to towel her down. Try flapping your arms rapidly if you can't get a flight at O'Hare.)

<Any opinions? I'll add any details if you need...> (So far you have added at least zero details. Can you at least strive for 1 more?)

I agree with the amphibian since he is a DUer!

[The empressof all]

42. You did the right thing

Every single person has their own quirks that are sometimes beyond understanding. You did the right thing to respect hers. However, IMO you do not owe your brother or your parents an explanation as to why you could not accommodate him. I hope your apology to them was not a miss directed attempt to elicit sympathy from them for your problematic relationship. Please, Please take it from someone who has been there. Try to avoid engaging your family in your marital disagreements. More often than not it makes things worse and in the long run can cause some uncomfortable feelings for everyone around.

[HuckleB]

43. So he should let them think that he didn't want them to stay, either?

That doesn't seem right. If the wife doesn't want them to stay, that's her deal. He shouldn't have to cause a further rift with his family by taking the rap for her issues. My guess is the family is already aware of these matters, anyway, and they probably would know that it wasn't his choice to have his brother stay elsewhere. Observation is quite powerful.

[The empressof all]

44. His responsibility is towards his wife.

If he is not able to avoid discussions that could denigrate her to others he is in deep trouble in his relationship. Issues of control and allegiance come up in every relationship-especially in the first few years. They are complicated and difficult for many to weather. Ultimatums, and absolutes will generally cause any relationship to fail.

[HuckleB]

46. And she has a responsibility to him.

How is he denigrating her, by telling the truth? How is he making an ultimatum? If there is an ultimatum in this story, it came from her. Sorry, but it's going to be impossible to keep the relationship going, if his relations with his family, which also support him as a human being and help him be a better husband are hurt. If he allows his relationship with his family to go down the tube, he's not being responsible to his wife either, because he's allowing part of himself to go down the tube. That's not wise.

[The empressof all]

48. Did not mean to imply

I did not mean to imply that anyone here made an ultimatum. I was speaking in generalities to the previous posts of others. However, I do stand with my belief that relationships are complicated and in the beginning are generally ridden with issues of control and compromise. After being with my SO for almost 24 years I have struggled with this myself. My point here basically is his alliance is with his spouse. When families are brought into relationship squabbles and struggles emotions are heightened further. In addition families are slower to forgive and forget and discussions of marital disagreements can brand a spouse un-necessarily. My SO and I have been there. I have seen this happen to many of my friends as well. In this particular situation, I can understand the wife's not wanting to have overnight visitors without her being there. Some people would find this intrusive to their personal space. I don't view this as a major character flaw or in any sense manipulative-it is perhaps just who she is. If he can't accept her foibles and quirks without overly analyzing her feelings without labeling them as controlling or manipulative than they have not yet reached a state of acceptance. In all fairness this is an issue that would warrant discussion upon her return. They need to work out a compromise regarding family visits together. He surprised her with this while she was away. No doubt he was surprised by her reaction.

[HuckleB]

58. Again, I can understand her unease.

I can't understand her unwillingness to budge, however. Discomfort is part of life, it's part of being in a relationship, it's how we grow. We stagnate when we allow our discomforts to create barriers to our friends, family, to experience.

It's clear that this poster is close with his family. She had to know this before they got married, had to know that something like this was probably part of the deal. Maybe not, but, if that's the case, why didn't she know? That would scare me even more. It just seems like another symptom of our culture that casts our connections aside, because the house isn't perfect, or our privacy isn't completely secure for a few days. It sort of makes me wonder if it doesn't feed on itself. If the disconnection leads to less connection making us more uncomfortable about connecting at all and so on. I can tell you that, if I acted as the wife did, then my wife would be hopping mad, and she'd be right to be hopping mad. Hospitality is part of the deal, whether it's family or friends. Connection with our full array of supports is part of the deal. No marriage is going far without those supports.

He may have done the best he could, under the circumstances. But I'd be hard-pressed to understand how this could be a positive thing for the relationship, if this was the status quo on family visits from now on. I just think life is too short for such hang-ups. Every day is important. Every visit is important. In all reality, every visit could be the last. Now that may sound dramatic, but I've lived long enough to know that it's very true.

[The empressof all]

63. I think you are getting far too deep here.

What you and your wife have agreed upon is great for you. You are both comfortable with it and it's working. That's terrific.--But it doesn't work for everyone. This couple has a conflict going on. Privacy is a personal issue. For example some folks are comfortable letting their medical records hang out there for all to see. Some are not. Some folks enjoy having their journals read by others-some do not. It would appear that the wife in this particular situation felt uncomfortable with her space being used in a manner she was not at ease with. I don't think you can make a leap here that what is going on with this couple is a disparagement of our culture. Rather, lets celebrate individual choices and compromise. That's what America is all about. I'm all for that.

[HuckleB]

71. What we have is just an example.

I don't think I am going too deep. I see this type of thing far too often in the states, and I don't see it in the rest of the world. Further, I see it with more frequency as time goes on. We seem to have lost a building block of family, community. A building block that is more necessary now than ever as we move around the country, rather than stay in one place our entire lives. Yes, this is just one example. However, it isn't an example in a vacuum. And the concept of privacy as this woman sees it, as many Americans see it, is something that comes in from the culture. It's not innate. It's not something noted prior to this in the world's cultures. Not to this level.

Individual choice is great. Howeve, critiques of individual choice are also a part of what makes democracy great. It's a part of what might keep our communities together, what might rebuild them. If we simply say oh well to every individual choice that creates disconnection without a seriously good reason, then I think we're giving up on ourselves as a community, as families, as supports for one another. I'm not one who is willing to sit back and shut up in that manner.

[The empressof all]

73. Hey Huck

You certainly do know how to keep a thread going. Why don't you start one on the general disconnection in American culture. In general I don't disagree with you-With this couples particular problem not respecting the wife's concerns without negotiation would create further conflict in the relationship which is as you would agree is what we were originally talking about. :)

[geniph]

45. Personally, I always prefer a hotel when I'm visiting relatives

and I'd prefer they stayed in one when visiting me, too. I need my solitude. I think it's imposing to assume that relatives will rearrange their lives for your vacation. I always book a hotel nearby when I'm going out of town to visit relatives; I never expect them to put me up. My husband's family thinks that's really strange and gets all snotty that I don't want to stay with them. Well, HELLO, they have like 4,000 people in a one-bathroom house, and they all get up at 4 a.m. I'm a late sleeper. It's a no-brainer for me; I get a hotel room.

I do want to know why you couldn't just have gone and picked up the room to her satisfaction, though. Why does she keep her stuff in the spare bedroom?

[HuckleB]

47. As I said before, I think that's an American conceit.

In most cultures, that would be looked upon as bizarre. I personally struggle between saying, sure, do what you want, which is what I believe, and wondering what's wrong with us as a people within our culture, where we find being around each other such a burden.

[gpandas]

53. completely ignoring the fact that the woman is virtually a ..

stranger to the spouse. my brothers have dated some weird people.

[HuckleB]

57. And your point?

I suspect, if that were the issue, that would have been brought up. I don't think that's the issue. I think you're grasping at straws because you don't like what I have to say about how our culture feeds disconnection and separation. And how I see this need to stay at hotels within the same town as a symptom or result of that.

[gpandas]

59. my point, obviously, is that i would not want...

a stranger staying at my house and going through my shit when i was not there. i don't give a fuck about any disconnection . perhaps, your concerned with this because you feel disconnected. i'm sixty years old and done with the sleeping bag on the floor and singing cumbaya to prove that i can "connect". i'm not grasping at anything, just responding to the strident i-know-whats-wrong-with-everyone tone of your posts. there is no "need to stay at hotels" involved with my posts, i merely stated my preference. chill.

[HuckleB]

60. It's clear that you don't give a fuck.

Heck, you think people are going to go through your crap. No wonder you don't want to stay with them.

As for the rest of your nonsense, nope. I'm quite connected. However, I work with a lot of disconnected people, and I notice your attitude toward family and friends and spending time with others becoming more and more prevalent in the states, but not elsewhere in the world.

I expressed an opinion. You think I'm a know-it-all because I expressed an opinion. Whatever floats your boat. I guess you're a know-it-all too, since you also expressed an opinion. It's clear that my opinion struck a nerve with you. I suspect that there's a reason for that. I suspect that you are disconnected, that you don't like being around people, and that somewhere in the back of your mind, you're wondering why, but you're stuffing it down down down. You see? I can make goofy assumptions too! Woo hoo!

Besides, I told you that you could do what you want. Wow! How terribly strident and know-it-all of me.

By the way, who's sleeping on a floor? They weren't going to have to sleep on a floor? Why bring that up? Is there a nightmare in your past that you need to let out? Hmmm. Damn. It really is fun to make goofy assumptions. Thanks for starting that up.

;)

[gpandas]

67. i'm not responding to the om...

i'm responding to your posts in which you assume that anyone that prefers a hotel is disconnected and conceited. i'm trying to say that there are other reasons to prefer a hotel,but you just don't get it. i think i'm pretty well connected myself, but you say because i prefer sleeping in a hotel, i'm not, and you don't even know me. that is the issue i took with your post. the " maybe you are disconnected" was in poor taste, and i apologize for it, even though it was intended humorously. sleeping on the floor and singing cumbaya was a reference to times that i had no money and had to sleep on the floor. i do think disconnection occurs as one gets older. maybe it's because our society worships stupid youth and treats older people so rudely, quite unlike other cultures that respect and admire them for their experience.

[HuckleB]

70. Well...

that's not what I actually wrote, so... As for your reasons for your claim that people get more disconnected as they get older, you do have a point regarding U.S. culture, and I believe it is connected to my point about the disconnection within our culture. It's not simply a symptom standing out there alone. It is interesting to note that older folks who remain in neighborhoods with mixed ages, people with kids of all ages, young couples without kids, people whose kids just left home, singles, etc... do seem more connected than those who move away into their own hideout communities with only folks their own age. For some, the disconnection is not just a result of our cultural disconnection, but of their own choices. It takes two to connect, as you know.

[gpandas]

79. not that i think i'm elderly...

but i'm getting uncomfortably close. thanks for the reply

[geniph]

69. I find it a burden

because I have a sleep disorder and fibromyalgia, and if I am awakened by people who don't respect that or don't understand it, I'll be in crippling pain. Sorry if you find that a peculiar disconnect.

I also am not particularly fond of my family, but I chose my husband. I would always put his wishes and needs first.

[HuckleB]

72. Why didn't you point out the reasoning with your first post?

Your post is out of context for most people, and seems to offer advice that fits your individual situation, but probably doesn't fit the situation for most people.

[geniph]

77. Am I responsible to explain to everyone why I prefer a hotel?

I think not. I think it's everyone's own business whether they prefer to stay with relatives or in a hotel, and trying to put some kind of moral judgement on it without knowing every person's individual circumstances is presumptuous in the extreme.

[HuckleB]

80. Why respond with a post that's out of context without that info.

You are responsible for providing context. You didn't. Take responsibility. It is yours. Sorry to call you on that. But there are no excuses. Otherwise you offered an example that informs from a point of disingenuousness.

If you believe simply, as you state in this post, why respond to my criticism of our culture by offering the context. You seem to want to have it both ways. You can't. Responsibility is yours, like it or not. You chose to play it one way, and then the other. Sorry, but that's game playing, and you know it.

[Cheswick2.0]

75. we are not other cultures

Who cares what is normal for other people?

[Colin Ex]

50. A wise man once said

"I've won every argument I've had with my wife, when I'm driving to work and she's not around. That's how my marriage stays healthy."

That wise man was actually Michael Reagan, but his point stands.

-c

[Delano]

51. I understannd her feelings

I woulddn't want someone staying in my house while I'm gone, especially if things are out and disheveled.

If it was your son, it would be diffferent, but I assume your brother can take care of himself this once.

Explain your wife's discomfort - he should understand.

[Fear]

52. WHAT A FUCKING BUNCH OF BULLSHIT! - I MEAN WTF

his brother is FAMILY!, they can come over ANY time - especially if it's only for a short visit.

Yes @ his wife prolly being insecure or whatever, but STILL it doesn't make any sense.......

on edit

or ehm.....did she used to date your brother?, and you stole her from him? :D

[niceperson]

54. Why villainize the wife?

The wife is justified in not having visitors when she is not there. She could have many reasons:
1. your family is critical of her (including her housekeeping skills)
2. The "stuff" in the bedroom, is important to her, and could be disrupted either by guests or your attempts to clean (which you never stated that you do)
3. She values her privacy
4. She distrusts your brother and/or his girlfriend
5. She was raised to be a good housekeeper and hostess and would feel ashamed to not meet certain standards

You never say anything to imply that she would not ordinarily welcome your brother.

Also, how often do family members just pop up in your city without any warning and expect to be accomodated?

My advice to you: get over it.

[TheWizardOfMudd]

62. You're fabricating facts and circumstances . . .

. . . that don't appear in the original post.

[Pithlet]

68. No

That's why Niceperson used the word "could"

We're only hearing one side of the story. No matter how evil the wife sounds, if we were to hear her story, it is possible we might say "Oh, okay. I understand, then".

Bottom line is, unless we're talking about very serious issues, a spouse's needs and wants take precedent over family. The OP did the right thing. If he said "I don't care, I'm going to do what I want anyway", that would have been just as wrong, if not more so, than any reason his wife might have had.

I wonder if there isn't something more to this conflict, myself. Not that the OP is the evil one, either; both sides always think they're in the right.

[niceperson]

55. Why villainize the wife?

The wife is justified in not having visitors when she is not there. She could have many reasons:
1. your family is critical of her (including her housekeeping skills)
2. The "stuff" in the bedroom, is important to her, and could be disrupted either by guests or your attempts to clean (which you never stated that you do)
3. She values her privacy
4. She distrusts your brother and/or his girlfriend
5. She was raised to be a good housekeeper and hostess and would feel ashamed to not meet certain standards

You never say anything to imply that she would not ordinarily welcome your brother.

Also, how often do family members just pop up in your city without any warning and expect to be accomodated?

My advice to you: get over it.

[librechik]

65. wifey knows best

Brother will get over it.

[7th_Sephiroth]

66. admit it

her stuff was hundreads of pounds of S&M Gear, you pervert you

[bleedingheart]

74. This is a tough one...but I say make your wife happy

We stopped staying at my bro-in-law's house because although he insisted on it...his wife was a nervous wreck with guests in the house. She tries so hard to be perfect that anything out of order makes her apologetic beyond belief...and it makes me uncomfortable so we stay at a hotel..

[Cheswick2.0]

76. you and your wife are the inside layer

If you have kids they are the next layer. Everyone else is a layer beyond that. If you have an issue with your wifes decision take it up with her later. But do not bitch about her to your brother or your parents. Keep you disagreements private if you want to stay married. My ex and I did not do that and it is the main reason we are divorced.

Also remember that somethings are not worth fighting about. This is one of them. But if you do argue about this remember winning is not the pupose of an argument. When one person wins the other loses. You don't want to force you wife into a losing position and she should not want to do that to you either. Try and find a compromise plan in case this comes up again.

[geniph]

78. That's probably the most sensible post in this thread

[qwertyMike]

81. GET OUT

She's a control freak.

It won't get better.

[TexasBushwhacker]

82. Please tell me you're joking

He should have asked her before inviting his brother. His brother should have made reservations at a hotel that he could cancel should he and his girlfriend be invited to stay.

If there are kids in the house, as fake as it may sound in this day and age, some parents prefer to set an example for their kids that people should wait until marriage before sleeping together. This would especially apply if the brother has rotating girlfriends.

[rucky]

84. Congrats.... you passed the first test

the first of many

if your brother doesn't understand, he will soon (and be tested the same way in his relationship - I guarantee it).

PS: Don't fucking tell your parents stuff like this. That'll bring a world of hurt in the long run.

[Cuban_Liberal]

85. Right or wrong, your spouse is your spouse.

Back your wife up on this one--- you won't regret it, especially when you two have kids.

[Ratty]

86. I absolutely know how your wife feels

For those who think the wife is being unreasonable ... I guess you have to understand where she's coming from. I would really HATE it if somebody came into my house while I was gone and stayed there, while I had no chance to "prepare" first. All of your books, photos, phone messages, porno, sex toys, diarrhea medicine, pin worm suppositories ... whatever ... just out there for anyone to look at, open, use ... I would DESPISE that.

Now your wish to accomodate your brother is entirely understandable. His desire to stay there with you is also completely reasonable. But your wife's objections are also reasonable. Sounds like the whole thing can be blamed on bad timing all around ... nobody's fault. I just hope you didn't make your wife out to be too much of an ogre to your family when you "apologized."