Give someone a smile - Post a good joke

[WillParkinson]

A small guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge guy standing next to him. The big guy looks down upon the small white guy and says, "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown."

The small guy faints!

The big guy picks up the small guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small guy, "What's wrong?"

The small guy says, "Excuse me but what did you say?".

The big guy looks down and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown."

The small guy says "Thank God, I thought you said, "Turn around."

[neuvocat]

1. So this blonde was applying for a job

and the interviewer asked what her birthday was. May 10th, she says. What year, says the interviewer.

She says "Every year."

[spinbaby]

2. Bush joke

As Governor, Bush got to ceremonially act as a state trooper for a day. While operating a speed trap Bush pulled over a Texas farmer. He lectured the farmer about his speed and the necessity of obeying laws made by his superiors, and in general threw his weight around. Finally, he got around to writing the ticket, and as he was doing so he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya, Sir?"

Bush stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they are -- I never heard of circle flies."

So the farmer says, "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of horses."

Bush says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a minute he stops and slowly says, "Hey... wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"

The farmer says, "Oh no, Governor, I have too much respect for you to even think about calling you a horse's ass."

Grinning broadly, Bush says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

[Only Me]

37. I'm still laughing!!!

:)

[rinsd]

3. A good one....

A keeper ina zoo in Arkansas is having a bit of a problem. Their female gorilla, MiMi, is in heat but there are no male gorillas at the zoo. Also the zoo cannot afford to have a male gorilla transported there to satisfy MiMi's needs. Baffled by the problem, he looks up and sees the maintenance man Bubba and comes upon a solution.

He walks up to Bubba and awkwardly explains the situation finally asking Bubba "For $400, would you have sex with MiMi.

Bubba takes off his cap and scratches his head. "I reckon so....but it's going to take me a while to come up with the $400"

[underpants]

4. A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down

A lady cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open."

This is not a phrase men normally use, so he went on his way looking a bit puzzled. When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open."

He zipped up and finished his shopping. He then intentionally got in the line to check out where the lady was that told him about his "barracks door." He was planning to have a little fun with her. When he reached her counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open did you see a soldier standing in there at attention?"

The lady (being smarter than a man) thought for a moment and said, "No, no I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags!"

[Qutzupalotl]

5. This one is making the rounds...

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you
want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and
calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A
senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman
steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car
and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is
quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving
license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands
it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have
a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked
up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

[lovedems]

6. I got this via email and it is funny (and I am blonde!)

Wanted for Attempted Murder (Actual APheadline)


Linda Burnett, 23, was visiting her in-laws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.

Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.

One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head.

When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.

A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.



And, yes, Linda is a blonde

[underpants]

7. I saw that tested on a Discovery channel show

I can't remember the name of it. Two guys tested to see if urban legends could be true. It took them 8 hours but they proved that the biscuits could have shot out of the canister like the story says.

[lovedems]

9. I didn't know if there was any truth behind it.

My aunt is always sending me crazy emails! It has certainly reached the status of Urban Legend if Discovery channel did a story on it!
:)

[pagerbear]

13. Mythbusters

Love that show!

[No2W2004]

24. It was on Mythbusters....

They got the biscuit cans to explode, but they never got the biscuits to hit Buster's (their personal crash test dummy) head.

[flamingyouth]

26. That would be Mythbusters

I love that show.:hi:

[lovedems]

8. I have another one

A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two are tired and fall asleep quickly...he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, he leans over and gently wakes the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replies. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!!" he exclaims.
"Good," she replies. "Get your own damn blanket!"
After a moment of silence, he farted.

and these

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room,
He shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
And they say blondes are dumb...


A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world"
The woman says, "I'll miss you..."

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today,"
Jack said as he stepped out of the shower.
"Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I would mow the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied

He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said - That's a good idea...you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.

[King Of Paperboys]

10. Guy gets hired for a new job.

He's a good worker, but he misses work almost every Monday. Calls his new boss at the last minute on Monday morning and says "I can't come in today. I'm sick."

After a few weeks of this, the boss figuresw he has to do something about it. The guy is such a good worker, the boss doesn't want to have to fire him, so he figures maybe some counseling is in order.

Sure enough, the next Monday, the guy calls the boss: "I can't come in today. I'm sick."

The boss sighs, and says "Look, you miss way too many work days, and always on Monday. Is there a problem? Drugs? Do you drink too much?"

The guy says "No, but my brother-in-law is a real problem drinker. Almost every weekend, he gets roaring drunk and beats up his wife... my sister. Then he storms off, and she calls me, crying. I go over to comfort her, and next thing I know, we're in bed, making love all night."

The boss says "Wait a minute! Are you telling me you miss work because you've been fucking your SISTER?!?"

The guy says "Hey, I TOLD you I was sick!"

[LynzM]

11. Bad lawyer joke

Earth to Mars

NASA was interviewing professionals they were figuring on sending to Mars. The touchy part was that only one guy could go and it would be a one way trip, the guy not ever returning to Earth.

The interviewer asked the first applicant, an engineer, how much he wanted to be paid for going. "One million dollars," the engineer answered. "And I want to donate it all to my alma mater – Rice University."

The next applicant was a doctor, and the interviewer asked him the same question. "Two millions dollars," the doctor said. "I want to give a million to my family and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."

The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars."

"Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked.

The lawyer replied, "You give me three million, I'll give you one million, I'll keep a million, and we'll send the engineer."

[HornBuckler]

12. What Does Snoop Dogg Use On His Whites?

Bleeeeeaatttchh!

[amjsjc]

14. Good luck Mr Gorky...

(the following story is entirely fictional, so far as I know...)

During the Apollo 11 landings, right before stepping out onto the Moon, astronaut Neil Armstrong made one extremely cryptic statement: "Good luck, Mr Gorky."
This immediately caught the attention of a number of onlookers: who was Mr Gorky? Was he a Soviet Cosmonaut perhaps? A personal friend? For a long time nobody could get an answer out of the retiring Armstrong. However at a 25th anniversay ceremony in 1994 Armstrong finally broke down and explained the enigmatic remark: "When I was a kid in Texas, about ten, I was playing baseball in the backyard with some friends. I managed to hit a home run into the yard of our next-door neighbors, the Gorkys. So, after I rounded the bases, I climbed over the fence to get the ball back. I noticed it had rolled under the Gorky's bedroom window. I snuck over to the window, and, just as I was leaning down to get the ball heard Mrs Gorky,very irate, scream the following: Head! You want me to give you Head! The Day I give you head is the day the Armstrong boy walks on the Moon!"
Good luck Mr Gorky.

[belladonna]

15. Voodoo dick *if you're easily offended, read no further*

One of my all time favorites :evilgrin:

There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter.

He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except.... and he stopped. "Except what?" the man asked. "Nothing, nothing." "C'mon, tell me! I need something!" "Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick.'" "So what's up with this voodoo dick?" he asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!" The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door." The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!"

The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there quiescent once more. "I'll take it!" said the businessman. The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo dick, my p***y." He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.

After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my p***y!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help.

She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her p***y, and wouldn't stop screwing.

The officer looked at her for a second, and then said "Yeah, right.. Voodoo dick, my ass!"

Edited for language, that's what I get for being lazy and not typing it myself
:)

[LDS Jock]

18. LOL.. you brightened my day with this one

I had to send it to others to brighten theirs. Thanks!

[flamingyouth]

27. :LOL - that is really sick

Thanks.:evilgrin:

[SiouxJ]

16. The White House - 2005

One sunny day in 2005, an old man approached the White House from across
Pennsylvania avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to
the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with
president Bush."

The Marine replied, "sir, Mr. bush is no longer president and no longer
resides here."

The old man said, "OK," and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the white house and said to the
same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with president Bush."

The Marine again told the man, "sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Bush is no
longer president and no longer resides here."

The man thanked him and again walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very
same Marine, repeating, "I would like to go in and meet with president
Bush."

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and
intoned, "sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to
speak to Mr. Bush. I've told you already that Mr. Bush is no longer the
president and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"

The old man replied, "oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."

The marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "see you tomorrow, sir!"

[grannylib]

32. Oh this one gets my vote!! Hee hee!! I like it, I like it a lot!

[av8rdave]

17. The military decided it had too many Colonels and Generals,

and it was getting too expensive. They decided to follow the example of the business world and offer some of the senior officers a financial incentive to retire early. They got the funding approved, but couldn't decided how they would determine who got offered how much.

After a lot of committee meetings, they decided that they would have each eligible officer choose a physical dimension on his or her body to get measured, and they would be offered $10,000 per inch to retire early.

The first officer was an Air Force General, who wanted his full height measured. He was 6' tall, so retired early with $720,000.

The Navy Admiral was a little smarter. He stood on his tiptoes with his arms stretched high above his head, and asked to be meaured from the tips of the toes to the tips of the fingers: 8 feet, $960,000 to retire early!

Next came a grizzled old Marine Colonel, who asked to measured from the tip of his penis to the base of his testicles. The staffers doing the measuring tried to convince him to choose a more sensible dimension, but he would not change his mind. Finally, the Sergeant with the measuring tape relented, and told him to take off his pants. When the old marine did so, the sergeant stared in disbelief at the marine's private parts. "Colonel....where are you testicles?"

The Colonel replied, "Viet Nam."

[Girldrinkdrunk]

19. George bush senior

it's georges first day as head of the CIA and the guys decide he deserves a hazing....

"george as head of the CIA you will have to make hard decisions, to prove you are able to do this we have a little test. behind this door is a room, in the room is a chair, chained to the chair is a dog. Your sons dog. The dog he adores. we want you to prove how tough you are by taking this revolver and killing that dog."

george says "fine, back in a minute"
now the CIA guys aren't a bunch of sadistic psychos and don't want him to hurt the dog, its just a joke so they've given him an unloaded gun.
the CIA guys all start smirking at each other as they hear...
click, click ,click, click, click ,click,

george:" ok guys, good stitch, giving me a gun with no bullets, having a good chuckle at my expense"

"but I was too clever for ya... smashed its brains out with the chair"


this is pretty funny also (made me laugh at least)
http://homepage.ntlworld.com/gaz18jf/hosting/reagantribute.html

takes a few minutes to load. Soooo worth it.

[jus_the_facts]

20. There's two ways to tell a tale...the northern way and the southern way...

....in the north their tales begin with..."Once Upon A Time"...in the south they always begin with..."Ya'll Ain't Gonna Believe This Shit"!! :D

[Eye and Monkey]

22. lol

[jus_the_facts]

23. Heehee...

.....that one never fails to make me lol too...bein' from the south m'self! :hi:

[Martin Eden]

28. Three pints of ale

An Irishman orders three pints of ale in a Dublin tavern. He takes a sip of the first one, then the second, then the third -- and methodically consumes all three in that manner.

He orders three more, and as the bartender pours them he remarks "Y'know, them ales'd keep a might fresher if y'drank'm one atta time like ev'ry one else."

The man explained "Well, y'see, it's a way fer me t'be wit me brudders. One of'm lives in Austrailia and d'udder moved to d'States, so whenever one of us goes out fer a drink we always order tree -- it's a way fer us t'share a drink don't ye know."

"Well I tink dat's a fine idea" replied the bartender.

The man became a regular customer, always ordering three of whatever he was drinking, and if someone bought a round they'd buy him three.

One day he comes in and orders two pints of ale. When they were empty the bartender promptly filled them and said These are on me, with me condolences."

"Thanks," the man replied, "but why the condolences?"

Well, since you only ordered two, I figgered one 'o yer brudders musta passed on."

"No, me brudders are fine," the man replied. "It's just that I meself have given up drinkin fer Lent."

[jus_the_facts]

21. What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts.....

....beer nuts will cost ya about a dollar....and deer nuts are always under a BUCK! :7

[TOhioLiberal]

25. A woman who had been married three times...

...got married a fourth time. On the wedding night she said to hubby #4, 'be gentle with me, Because I'm a virgin.'
The man said, 'How can you be a virgin, you've been married 3 times!'

She said true but:

My first husband was a Psychologist, and all he wanted to do was talk about it.
My second husband was a Gynocologist, and all he wanted to do was look at it.
My last husband was a stamp-collector, and all he wanted to do was....Damn I miss that man!

:evilgrin:

[flamingyouth]

35. Ha ha... I like this one best

:evilgrin:

[Bake]

29. City slicker and country boy walking down the road

They look off in the grass and see a dog lying there, licking his balls.

City slicker: Man, I wish I could do that!

Country boy: That dog'd BITE YOU!

Bake

[dolo amber]

30. Someone posted this here last week or so

Goddess of Guinness, I believe...anyway...I found it terribly clever and *snort* worthy. :7



As the President is getting off the helicopter in front of the White House, he has a baby pig under each arm.

The Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes, and says: "Nice pigs, sir."

The President replies: "These are not pigs, these are authentic Texan
Razorback Hogs. I got one for VP Cheney, and I got one for Defense
Secretary Rumsfeld."

The Marine again snaps to attention, salutes, and replies, "Nice trade, sir."

[ironflange]

31. What did the farmer say when he couldn't find his tractor?

"Hey! Where's my tractor!"

Believe me, this one is hilarious when told by a three-year-old.

[grannylib]

33. OMG it's pretty hilarious now, hee hee omg I can't stop laughing

[Interrobang]

34. I've got two more just like it!

Q: What's dark brown and sticky?
A: A stick!

Q: What's brown, sweet, and dangerous?
A: Shark-infested chocolate pudding!

I'd post my other funniest two-liner here, but I rather suspect it'd earn me a moderator warning, even if I sourced it (the source mitigates it somewhat), because it's siiiiiiick...

[Only Me]

36. My son told me this one...

I am Blonde so I don't mean this to be mean to anyone...


so here goes...

There was a blonde and a brunnette on an airplane. The blonde got hungry so the brunnette gave her an apple. After she ate the apple she thru it out the window (i don't know how).

Afew minutes later their plane landed and they got off and started walking down a street in town. The blonde needed to go to the bathroom really bad. Right before they reached the bathroom, it exploded. The blonde said "Oh I'm so sorry, I could hold it any longer." ( it was the falling apple)

I know...but he told it really cute. ;)

[C_eh_N_eh_D_eh]

38. An old woman walks into Chase Manhattan Bank,

and opens up an account with an initial deposit of forty million dollars.

The shocked clerk immediately runs to the bank president, who happens to be touring the offices that day, and tells him what just happened. The president decides he has to meet this woman, so he calls her into his office.

"Ma'am, you're a widow living on a fixed income. How on Earth did you make that kind of money?"

"Betting."

"You made forty million dollars off of gambling?!"

"No, betting. Let me give you an example. I'll bet you twenty thousand dollars that by 10 o'clock tomorrow morning, your testicles will be square."

The president thinks this is the most ridiculous thing he's ever heard, so he takes the bet. Just to be safe, he takes the rest of the day off. He spends the day at home, being very careful, and periodically checking himself.

The next morning, he meets the old woman in his office and tells her he's won the bet. She insists on checking for herself, so he drops his pants and lets her grab him. Everything appears normal, so she hands over the twenty thousand.

As the president escorts the woman back to the entrance, they pass a man in an expensive suit beating his head against the wall of the lobby. The president asks, "Who's that?"

The old woman smiles and says "Oh, that's my lawyer. I bet him fifty thousand that by 10 o'clock this morning I'd have the president of Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls."

[jus_the_facts]

39. Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?

....'cos they have cotton balls! :D

[AVID]

40. Whats green and has a million legs?

grass . . . I lied about the legs.



Shameless 7 yr old joke :)

[jus_the_facts]

41. Did ya hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?

.....he walked around sayin' YO all the time! :7

[jus_the_facts]

42. Years ago...when 100 white men chased one black man we called it.....

...the Ku Klux Klan...today...we call it the PGA! :evilgrin:

[jus_the_facts]

43. What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?

....dough'NUTS! :7 :7