Not a pity thread, but I need some hope.

[King Of Paperboys]

I'm ending a relationship of five years this week... I've adored this woman, but I can't stand the lies, the in-your-face betrayals any more. I want to make a clean break of it and try to get on with my life.

My heart aches. I'm no kid, but this is more painful than any loss I can remember. I need true stories of hope to get me through.

Thanks.

[SlingBlade]

1. Sorry to hear

I can only say that the pain will pass, It’s of no help to you now that I know.
Hang in their buddy, It will get better, Trust me on this.

[neuvocat]

2. The first two weeks are the hardest.

You'll probably go through a painful process but that shows you're a human being.

Remember that no matter how bad it may seem in the moment, the pain will be gone someday and you will be over it.

[mike_c]

3. dude, I can commiserate but don't have much advice to offer....

I'm divorcing my wife-- she was my best friend for many years but her addictions have taken her away from me. There is a point at which you realize that you cannot go on doing the same thing over and over again and hoping that things will turn out differently. It sounds like you've reached that point in your relationship.

I wish I could tell you something that would take away the emptyness that she will leave behind, but I can't. Do what's right, and take care of yourself. That's the best advice, I think. You will look back on this one day, and you'll want to be able to look back without being ashamed of yourself. That sounds selfish, I know, but it's also true.

[Bertha Venation]

4. I have a story of hope, but not about an ending relationship.

My life is a story of hope, King. I should be dead -- I was stillborn; had four open-heart surgeries before I was two years old; had the kind of parents that horror films are made of. I was suicidal for ten years.

Like you are now, I was desperately hurt by several people, losses, and experiences beyond my control. But -- I don't know how -- I always had hope of a better time. Even when I was in the midst of the very worst of it, when it hurt to breathe, and I dreaded the rising sun, I knew a better day was coming. It wasn't a Pollyanna-ish hope. I can't describe it. It was just hope.

And here I am. I'm healed. Whole. Healthy in mind & spirit, and happy.

:hug: and best of luck, dear King.

[olddem43]

5. The only cure for losing your woman is

another woman. Take a couple of weeks off to rest up and then get out there and find one. The next one will always be better than what you had anyway. Good luck and good hunting.

[testing123]

21. Is it that simple to meet someone else?

If you love someone immensely and they screw you over and tear your heart out is it that easy to find another person that you can trust?

I was screwed over last week and my heart was ripped out, driven over with a mack truck and shredded to bits.

I trusted this person with my life and I found out that I was being played as a fool and taken for a ride. I thought that I would be spending the rest of my life with this person until 4 days ago and we made plans for the future.

Huge bombshell was someone else was on the side and I was being replaced and lied to.

I haven't slept in 4 days and at first I felt like I wanted to die but now I don't think that I can ever trust anyone ever again.

I had a gut feeling that a game was being played on me and when I asked for proof of caring that's when the bottom fell out and my life became a wild roller coaster ride and I felt like i was finished with this world.

I am still hurting so bad that I don't know what to do.



:cry: :cry:

[Just Me]

33. All I can say to you is,...what you are experiencing,...is NOT love.

You are investing your "trust" in the wrong person/place/situation.

Divest yourself, entirely. Whatever it takes. Then, start over.

[H2O Man]

6. Men take the ending of relationships

harder, especially young men, in the sense of seeing it as "the end." Men have more difficulty seeing that there are many other things in life besides that unhealthy relationship they are preoccupied with. And, in fact, this leads to men (again, primarily young men) having suicidal feelings during and immediately after a break-up. (Women may have an increase in suicidal gestures; men are at a dramatically increased risk for death.)

Several coping options: (1) Avoid increases in alcohol consumption. Even if the reality of life seems so much clearer when intoxicated, it's not healthy. (2) If possible, find a "support system" that involves men. There are "men's groups" popping up all over. Start one if there is none available in your area. (3) Talk to old men. Ask them why they so often choose to live alone. (4) Do not rush into another relationship. Take time to get to know yourself. Come to recognize that in your next relationship, you need to keep a piece of yourself, for yourself.

In 1989, my ex-wife and I split up. I didn't think I could handle it at times. I was kicked out of my house and forced to pay child support to my "ex," even though she had a larger income than I, and I had primary custody of our two boys. It was a strange adventure. I knew I needed support, and I formed a "support group" for guys in my basic circumstance. We had a dozen members, and I kept detailed diaries/journals of those days which I am often tempted to organize for my third book.

After working on my recovery from a shattered relationship, I met the woman of my dreams. She's my best friend, my Yoko Only, and it is an amazing experience to live in a stable, honest relationship. We have two daughters to go with my two sons. We live in a large old farm house that was a stage coach station in the late 1700s. Like all couples, we do not live a fantasy in the sense that we never disagree. But I know that of all the people on earth, she is the one I prefer to spend time with.

[bearfan454]

10. Very wise words my friend.

Very wise.

[flamingyouth]

7. I'm sorry for what you're going through

Unfortunately, I have no hope to spare (I'm currently running on fumes myself) but one thing I can tell you is that you have much more strength within you than you ever thought possible. Be well and know we're here for you.:hug:

[neebob]

8. Not a story of hope

but a suggestion: Considering five years of lies and in-your-face betrayals, maybe it's time to get mad and be done with her and relish your freedom?

And a nugget of hard-earned wisdom: If it looks like a monster, it's a monster. It is not someone who secretly loves me or needs my help. It is not what I wish it was or want it to be or think it might be under different circumstances but what appears to be standing before me - a lying sack of crap who doesn't give a damn about me and is in fact trying to hurt me.

[WilliamPitt]

9. Welcome to the club

We get jackets, but the union fees are fucking murder.

:toast:

[peacebuzzard]

11. The younger I was, the harder it was......I was really "boy-crazy"

all the time as a teenager and had so many crushes which lasted years. My first real boyfriend in college basically forgot about me completely and boy, did I take the rejection hard. I couldn't forget him for virtually 5 years. Eventually I had other relationships and married a loser on the rebound. (and that was five years later...like I say, I never got over it) Eventually the loser was so bad I was in too much trouble to remember anything except to leave him. Since then, I had two other huge heartbreaks which were difficult to overcome, but quicker.(not 5 yrs.) I am well trained. It doesn't take too long to get over heartbreaks now. It is 30 years later and I really don't care anymore. I am a survivor, that hasn't had a relationship in six yrs. Single, peaceful, and the only companions here now have four paws or feathers. That is my story. :pals: Stay cool.

[davsand]

12. Oh man--the first month or so is no fun!

That first month or so is a stone biatch to live thru. My first love put me upside a wall one night, and even THAT was easier to live with than the first month or so after I booted his ass out the door.

After that, it became less sharp--less bitter somehow. THAT is the danger zone, IMO, because I stared wondering if maybe he'd been right when he told me no other man would ever love me like he did. I started wondering if maybe he really WASN'T as bad as all that--even if he DID hit me...

I even started wondering if the continual fights and continually being told it was all my fault was maybe not as bad as I'd thought. Maybe i really had over reacted...

I'm not even gonna talk about missing the minute and a half of sex that followed a fight...


When you get to those points? Do this:

Blink a couple of times and remember exactly HOW you feel right now. Then put the phone down and don't reach for the bottle. Instead: sit down and make a list of what you want in your next partner and how you can ID it in prospective date. Promise yourself that you will not allow abuse to be a part of your life EVER again, and stick to that promise.

Now, before you protest that she didn't hit you, remember this, abuse comes in a lot of forms, and it always hurts.

If she made you feel lessened, then you were most likely the victim of some type of emotional or mental abuse. Man HATE to admit it, but they bruise just as badly as women do when it comes to being hit with hurtful words and actions. What is so awful about abuse, is it is somehow "addictive." It becomes such a deeply ingrained pattern it is difficult to break the mindset.

Peace to you, and the hurt does heal with time. It takes work on your part--but it is no worse than living with a partner hurting you.

Laura

[Lydia Leftcoast]

15. Wise words, davsand

The Lounge frequently gets posts from young men who wonder why some woman they're hung up on seems to date only abusive jerks.

Well, it's not just women who act like that. Way back in college, I noticed that it was the cynical, manipulative brat-princesses who got all the phone calls. I've seen men put up with women who are unpleasant, belittling, spoiled, mentally unstable, lying, repeatedly unfaithful shrews, merely because these women know how to FAKE being the Ideal Vision of Womanhood often enough to keep the guy hooked. Or perhaps the problem is that the man was relatively inexperienced when he got together with Ms. Shrew, and he really believes that there's no one else for him.

I once knew a guy whose wife dumped him after he suggested that they have children, because she didn't want children ever, she said. Fair enough, but she also told him that he was ugly, boring, and "not dynamic." (He was neither ugly nor boring, and opinions can vary on whether a man needs to be "dynamic.") This woman who "didn't want children" was pregnant by and married to another man in record time. Sounds like a pretty firm rejection, yes? Time to move on, yes?

Not this guy. I knew him for two years, and he was constantly driving hundreds of miles to visit his ex-wife. And she let him stay with her and her new husband. All the rest of us could do was shake our heads.

I've never been in an abusive relationship, but I have been dumped unexpectedly and painfully, and while there is no way to avoid the gut-wrenching pain, here is what has helped me:

1) Get together with friends as much as possible. Note how your platonic friends treat you so much better than your supposed "true love."
2) You may find it hard to concentrate on work or other serious matters, but treat yourself well. Buy yourself a present, especially if it's something your ex wouldn't approve of. Figure out how you can improve your health and appearance. Do something fun that you haven't done for a long time. See or rent a funny movie.
3) Exercise, even if it's just walking around your neighborhood.
4) Avoid booze and drugs.
5) Avoid rebound relationships. I have had otherwise sensible friends bounce into bizarre and godawful rebound relationships that they were embarrassed about when they came to their senses.
6) Remember that "Living well is the best revenge."

[testing123]

22. Ignoring someone was one of the worse parts of the abuse

I was ignored for several days at a time and if I was good then I would be talked to and if I was bad and spoke up just one time then some extra days were added on to the ignore trip.

Still my heart is broken in a million pieces and I was fooled because I thought that we were going to spend the rest of our life's together and work the "ignore" game out so that it would stop.

I haven't slept in 4 days and I feel like one of the biggest fools in the world. I put all of my trust into this person and I was still screwed over.

A family member told me to run a test and find out if that gut feeling that someone else was on the side was true and I did that and that's when I found out that my gut feeling caused the truth to come out.

My heart is broken and I feel like I don't want to live any longer but I have to go on.

[King Of Paperboys]

13. Thanks for all of these.

I think I saw a lot of what I needed here. Yes, I'm angry, and hurt, and I know it will take time... I just need to hear that others got through it, too.

Thanks again.

[TrustingDog]

14. what doesn't kill you makes you stronger...

I fully realise that is absolutely no comfort to you now, but it is an eventual truth.

I've been through a wringer or two and while in the midst I really believed I couldn't survive, but did. and just a bit wiser for it all.

{{{huggles to you }}} everyone needs huggles.

[Pretty_in_CodePink]

16. This is your opportunity for personal growth

Like everyone I have painful relationships in my past. Some I learned from and others I repeated until I did learn from them. For about 15 years I engaged in the wrong relationships,had my heart broken many times, spent years of my precious life with someone unworthy of me (as it sounds your woman is unworthy of you). I have been with drunks, drug addicts, cheaters, users, republicans, and some nice people too. But now, I have been been with the same wonderful partner for 14 years and have a precious 5 year-old daughter.

If your relationship was filled with lies and betrayal I suggest that the woman you were in love with was not really present in that relationship anyway. How could you really know your partner?

My suggestions for you......
1. Be kind to yourself. What she did to you was about her not you. Exercise, eat well, read good books, get a massage.
2. Spend time with treasured friends and family.
3. Consider journaling about your experience. It could help you to purge and also could help you identify aspects of yourself and the relationship that could prevent a repeat in the future.
4.Keep in mind that being in a relationship with her was a barrier to finding your true life partner. There is no place for the Mercedes to park if a broken down clunker is in the parking space.
5. If you have a spiritual (not religious) inclination or are open to considering spiritual ideas I recommend reading "Radical Forgiveness" by Colin Tipping http://www.radicalforgiveness.com/
and "Excuse Me, Your Life is Waiting" by Lynn Grabhorn. These are two books that I am currently reading and they have done a great deal to help me get over a very major crisis I have been dealing with for over a year. The tactics in these books have helped me heal more and feel better/happier in the past 3 weeks than anything I have done in the past year.

Best of luck to you King. Your Queen will come.

[Pithlet]

17. This could lead to the best and happiest time of your life.

I know it doesn't seem like that now. When I'd decided I'd finally had enough and ended my first marriage after 6 years, I went through a process of grief. I'd feel crushing pain at the oddest moments, and a dull, gripping sadness all the time. Even though it was a bad relationship, for awhile it always felt like something was missing.

But, as time went on, the pain faded and then disappeared completely. Then I felt complete freedom. It's been six years, and they've really been the best and happiest years of my life. During the worst times, if I'd known the possibilities, I think that would have been a comfort to me, because at the time I thought I'd never be happy.

Give yourself time to grieve the loss of this relationship, and expect to feel a lot of pain and loneliness for awhile, but know that it is in no way the end.

[King Of Paperboys]

18. You've all been swell.

I appreciate all the input I've received.

I've largely decided on a course of action. I'm going to meet to her to say goodbye, as she and I agreed. I've been tearing myself up as to what to say and what to do; do I harp on the grievances, do I just sit sullenly? Do I debase myself yet again by begging for fidelity?

I'm going to write down every single hateful thing she's done to me, every grievance I've got, every hateful thought I've never spoken.

I'm going to seal the envelope up and mark it it UGLY TRUTH.

I'm going to meet her at the agreed place and time, and be cordial. I'm going to tell her that we can have one last nice moment together where we don't say anything bad, but that I've written everything down, and hand her an envelope marked UGLY TRUTH, and tell her she can open it or throw it away at her discretion, after I'm gone.

We'll have a nice talk, where I'll be civil and tell her goodbye for the last time. Then we'll part. As we've agreed, we'll never speak again.

The envelope I hand her will contain ten blank pages. I'll burn what I wrote myself.

OK?

[rucky]

19. Make a list of things you've wanted to do, but didn't do...

during your relationship - for one reason or another. The fact that you haven't done 'em yet doesn't have to have anything to do with the relationship itself - just make a list. Then DO some of that stuff. Solo.

Pampering yourself will build yourself back up.
A new adventure will be a nice distraction.
Associate alone with independence & look at all the good parts of it.
Don't even think about your next relationship right now. Live in the present!

Time heals.

[Southsideirish]

20. Keep busy, busy , busy. Do you run?

If not you might want to start - just go slow and easy to begin.
Keep your mind occupied on other things - tell yourself "I'll think about her in a week" and put her out of your mind for the present. If you can't control your thoughts they can really mess you up. Delay worry and negative thoughts - tell yourself - I'll do it later - and make a date - at 7 PM Tuesday, etc.
Keep active and go to bed exhausted - get right up in the morning and go, go , go! Do this until you put some time under your belt - then after the initial rawness of emotion is over you can sit back and reflect and make plans for what's coming up, you deserve a treat!
I had a friend who I liked a lot and after a while I noticed that telling a lie didn't phase her in the slightest. I still "forgave" her as she was so charming and so much fun to be with but eventually I got disenchanted with her constant dis-ingenuousness - I began to doubt almost everything she told me - what the hell kind of relationship is that?

[King Of Paperboys]

24. This is great advice

It really is. Unfortunately, I don't run. I barely walk. But one of my resolutions is to join a gym as soon as this fiasco is over. ;)

Uncontrolled thoughts are a real problem. I can keep busy during the day, find things to do (I own a small business,) but nights are just awful. I am the King Of Paperboys, and I spend six hours a night in the car, alone, delivering newspapers. It's awful hard to keep from picking the mental scabs when you're driving around alone, performing a monotonous task you perform every night.

Out there, alone, I listen to books on tape a lot... and I recently finished "Gone With The Wind." I tried to adopt Scarlett O'Hara's mantra - "I'll think about it later" - but I can't ALWAYS control what I think about.

I know in my mind AND my heart that it's going to be better without this kind of abuse... but I loved her like crazy.

[testing123]

23. Join the club

My heart was ripped out 4 days ago and I haven't slept since.

I feel like I want to die but I have to push on because I am not suicidal.

I was being taken as a fool and I am hurting so bad that I don't know what to do about it.

We planned the rest of our life's together and now I will plan on being alone.

:cry:

[King Of Paperboys]

25. I'm awful sorry, testing123

It sounds painful. We should start a group.

[testing123]

26. Can I tell you something

I don't feel like living any longer but I am not suicidal.

I feel like my world as I knew it has come to an end.

[Don_G]

27. I'm In Love With Someone

And I thought we were going to get married, but it's hard when she's 400+ miles away.

It's hard to share and discuss the things that happen daily in our lives and to give each other the support we need. We both find it difficult at best to get away to meet each other for different reasons.

It's frustrating and heartbreaking sometimes. I just hope she dosen't give up on me.

She used to post here as LadyDemocrat.

[Rhiannon12866]

46. How is she Don?

I haven't heard from her for ages and you know that I am fond of both of you.:-)

[traco]

28. I lived with

a pathological liar for 10 years, wish I had had the nerve to kick his butt to the curb. Finally did, and it felt really good.

[GingerSnaps]

29. How did you figure out about the lies?

10 years is a long time and he must have been a master at it.

I would have wanted vengeance for wasting all of those years.

Did you have him put in a mental institution?

[traco]

30. I knew he was a lier right away

He seemed like a good guy until we got married, then the lies started.

I use to tell him if I wanted a man who had been through as much as he claimed to be, I would have had to married a very active 80 year old man.

I stayed with him because of the kids, but I got tired of it after I caught him being abusive to the kids.

[GingerSnaps]

31. What kind of shit did he make up?

I feel bad for you because that is mental abuse and it must have taken some time to get over.

[traco]

36. He would tell stories like

He was driving truck and hit and killed a child,

He was injured riding bull in the rodeo

He had bone and blood cancer

He was a commercial pilot (we met when he was 19 years old)

and many other lies. He now tells his new girlfriend that I would beat him with cast iron pans and rolling pins, and that I would beat my kids.

He was physically, mentally, and emotionally abusive to me and the kids. Mostly me. I would get in the way of him abusing the kids, so he would take it out on me.

[Just Me]

32. Betrayal sucks. You are not alone.

Hearts ache. Being a "grown up" doesn't make the hurt any easier.

Maybe, this is an opportunity for you to find fulfillment and happiness with yourself,...a fulfillment no one can give to you,...except you.

Meanwhile,...here's a :hug:

[solinvictus]

34. My experience

1) Buy an old truck, preferably one that's not running.
2) Make it run.

Worked OK for me at the time.

[lucky777]

35. Burn her photos, move on -- walk away like a man

My dad is a shrink, he told me that and it is the best advice.

Tell her, "Before I knew you I was with someone else, and after I know you I'll be with someone else; someday I won't even remember your name." Sounds tough but you got to cut it clean. Anyway, she'll be back to apologize -- they always do.

I found this out the hard way, agonizing over breakups until I took a tough guy attitude at age 35. A lot of times you are being too considerate: she is not being so great towards you, so why should you be the pillar. Each side has to give equally, which is why you need to bail.

You need to get another woman, that is totally key. In fact, date several women and check your options (don't hurt anyone or lie to anyone though). There are so many wonderful women out there, you can meet them online or anywhere.

As you get older there are more and more women available and interested -- it is like someone turned on a faucet and they came flying out.

I speak from experience. I've had tons of girlfriends, mostly a lot younger since I am a professor and around younger people all the time, it's an endless buffet of women (no, not my own students). But I got burned a lot and finally settled down with a great woman who is not as pretty as the others but has the most amazing personality, she is my best friend --- and I never would have met her if I had been stuck in a relationship.

[HEyHEY]

37. Okay here's where I look like a total idiot

But you don't neew stories of hope. You need to say "forget her" she was lying and stuff. Focus your energy on that and it'll be easier.

[King Of Paperboys]

38. No, no, not an idiot!

You're absolutely right. That's why I made the decision for a total break, no more coming back AT ALL. I can't really move on until I do that, and I've told her that. It's been five years of back and forth, which just shreds me.

I have hopes that, once I KNOW she won't be coming back (because I forbid it,) I can move on for REAL.

Thanks again for all the good input, advice and stories of hope... I'm feeling better every day!

[King Of Paperboys]

39. Update

Well, she now says she can't meet me in the time allotted, so we won't be meeting. (I set a time limit so that this wouldn't become protracted.) So there won't be a meeting, and I can stop having that conversation in my head over and over. I can work on moving on.

Thanks again for all the good input.

[GingerSnaps]

40. She left her clothes at your house?

Send them to her via ups or the post office and then there won't be a reason to contact each other ever again.

[achtung_circus]

41. Message of hope? Here goes.

On September 19 I left the woman I had spent the last 20 years with. We had been married for 17 of those years.

I should have left about 5 years ago, but I took my "better or for worse" vows very seriously. I finally reached the point where for ME I had no choice. The marriage was a total one-way street and I got tired of being the bad guy.

I moved in 2 suitcases. I moved 3,000 miles back to my family. What I here consistently is that I have consistently gotten "better" with each passing week. My family, and there are a lot of them, say I am happier than I have been in years. I found my dream job on the first interview.

The divorce is turning out to be more stress than I had hoped for, but almost any price is worth it to have me back again. I am again free to be me.

I'm not a fan of random sex. It's been I learned when I was younger that for me it is ultimately unsatisfying, more like masturbation than sex, but I see others are recommending that. I haven't had sex with another person in 11 months, but I have met a woman and we are doing this weird mating dance. She lives 400 km away, so things are progressing at a slower pace than would be the case if she lived around the corner. But she makes me feel like I'm 17 again instead of 48.

I'm sure there is a downside, but for me leaving was the smartest thing I've done in a long while.

Be you. Although that can sound selfish, if you define yourself as someone's SO you become jewelry rather than a person.

Good Luck

I

[LynneSin]

42. I'm still getting through the pain of a long term relationship

and that ended over 6 years ago. You'll never get over the love, but you'll find a little lock box in your heart where you can stash it away and hopefully move on with your life.

The motto I live by: It's better to be alone for all the right reasons than together for all the wrong ones!

[GingerSnaps]

45. I have never thought of it that way

Your right and you answer just hit home on an old love of mine.

[ChavezSpeakstheTruth]

43. I was in a 5 year emotionally abusive relationship witha woman I was

convinced I loved but who manipulated me to no end, sexually, emotianally, you name it. Finally I just said FUCK THIS and I started reclaiming my self esteem. Sure I had other problems but man that shit had to go. And I reclaimed my dignity, in that regards at least. This is a moment which requires great inner strength. I wish you luck on this. And I'm here should you need me.

[King Of Paperboys]

44. It's amazing!

The last two days have been great! Sure, it hurts, but knowing it can and will get better, and having FINALLY told her never to contact me again, made me feel MUCH better. I'm not looking forward with dread... just with HOPE!

Thanks again!

[testing123]

47. She might come crawling back

They always do don't they?

[Commendatori]

48. Accept my congratulations

for thinking with the larger head and bailing out while the bailing's good.

Too many people stick in hopeless relationships for sex, for fear of hurting someone's feelings, etc. You're leaving someone who has betrayed your trust repeatedly when others wouldn't have had the stones to do it.

Forget a smooth transition, this isn't going to be easy - but if you want a band-aid from time to time, just think of people you know who are in shitty marriages and focus on the fact that this could be you.

Good luck, and congratulations again. Way to go.