Old Friends who want nothing to do with you

[Bertha Venation]

In my late teens & twenties, I was really fucked up. I had three friends who saw me through -- one I've known since childhood, my oldest (and if she'd allow it, she'd be my dearest) friend. Her name is Christie. The others are Sandi and Virginia.

Virginia, I can't find.

I have gotten in touch with Sandi and Christie several times over the last ten years, Christie more often than Sandi. Each time I've gotten the brush off: "It's good to hear from you. 'Bye."

It's taken me a very long time to realize why: It's because I hurt them, although not intentionally. I was so desperately needy and took much from them, without giving back. I couldn't! -- and I'm sure they realized that at the time.

They want nothing to do with me because they probably can't imagine that I'm not the woman I was then. I know that at least one of them, Sandi, wants nothing to do with me because I am a lesbian. I used to be a fundy; she still is. I wonder if that's part of Christie's thing, too; I've felt since coming out that she too must be gay, but I have no way of knowing for sure.

I don't necessarily want to renew our relationships (although I can't imagine going through the rest of my life without Christie; I feel like part of me has been amputated because she is absent). I do want to tell each of them, "You helped to save me, so I could finally become healthy and whole. Thank you."

But if they don't want to hear it, there's nothing I can do. I'm trying to come to terms with this, and it hurts.

Before you reply: I'm just looking for people w/ similar experiences. No need to offer sympathy, or to say things like "it's their loss."

Thanks for reading.

[King Of Paperboys]

1. Wow, Bertha,

You must have posted your "need stories, not sympathy" thread almost exactly when I did!

You are absolutely right; you can't make someone hear or see something they absolutely refuse to. Write it all down, send it to them, and let it go... at least you can know you've said what needs saying, and they can respond in a time and manner that's comfortable for them.

Good luck.

[Pattib]

2. Reading your post with interest and I have a question???

You didn't say what happened during your relationships with these people. I know you stated that you were f**ked up but what did you do? How long ago were you in touch with your friends before trying to make contact again? Did you apologize to them if you needed to?

Just curious because I had a friend in VA Beach who I lost contact with due to a military transfer. We were overseas for 8 years. Finally, I returned to the states and tracked my friend down. It was quite awkward. I called her at work, we use to work together and hung out a lot outside of work. She was very standoffish. She didn't seem to want to resume the friendship. It's funny because she use to call me all the time for advice, I was married and she was single.

I just chalked it up to her having moved on and she didn't want to invest in a friendship again. Who knows. We knew each other for three years and though she was several years younger that me, I thought we had a close friendship. Guess that happens sometimes.

[Bertha Venation]

3. hi, Pattib

I was mentally fucked up. I'd gotten through high school & 3 years of college w/out falling apart, but at 23 the shit hit the fan. I entered a mental hospital, was there for two months, and from 23 to 30 I -- I don't really know how to describe it; I was just completely mentally and emotionally fucked up. I had to lean on everyone around me to get through the days. I took and took and took -- time, energy, support, from everyone who could offer it (and some as couldn't). Roommates asked me to move out. I lost jobs. My sisters were afraid of me (we've never discussed this, and I wasn't aware of it at the time, but looking back I see it clearly). I was angry, full of rage and irrational, and I know some people had to see me in a rage from time to time, although I don't remember who or when that would've been.

Christie may remember me before I boiled over, but she was there when the shit that fucked me up was going on. I doubt she ever knew about it, but she took the brunt of it when it started bubbling up in college. Both Christie & Sandi visited me in hospital; Sandi once expressing her impotence: she said she felt helpless that I was in there and she couldn't help me. (I think a good deal of her impotence was based on the fact that I was a "Christian" and couldn't or wouldn't just let God lead me out of the shadow of death.) Virginia lived in Santa Barbara and gave me a key to her house and allowed me to come up and visit any time, unannounced. I did that for two years.

All three gave me succor and refuge and comfort for years, and never showed the slightest bit of resentment.* I don't know what I EVER gave back to any of these good women. I have never had the opportunity to tell them what they did for me. I have tried but they don't want to hear it.

* Not including Sandi's rejecting me when I came out to her, but that was well after I'd started to heal -- otherwise I couldn't have come out. It's odd, coming out to someone because you're healing and it's a step you need to take. It's something you do in tremendous new strength, and it's a knife in the back for that person -- who helped you to GAIN that strength -- to see it as weakness, as more evidence of mental illness.

[AlCzervik]

4. Have you thought about maybe

just writing letters to them? I'm talking longhand not computer. It might help give you some closure and i bet they'd actually read them.

[Kat45]

5. You were once a fundy? Wow!

That had as strong an impact on me as your story. Reading your posts, it's hard to imagine you were ever a fundie!

[Bertha Venation]

7. I was indeed.

Someday, if there's enough clamor for it, enough shameless begging, I will tell the tale. ;)

[davsand]

6. I'm gonna present another view of friends.

I don't know if it works for you or not--but I really do believe that people are a lot like planets in an orbit. There are times they do orbit in sync with you and other times they don't. It isn't a harm or foul situation, it is just kind of the nature of it all.

Now, bear in mind, I am not talking about abusive or use situations or even times when stuff happens to drive people away--I'm just talking about people who come and go in our lives.

I admire you a great deal for owning your past--it is never easy to do, and lord knows I've had my times when I gave less than I got from those who love me. That kind of stuff is never easy to admit to. (I joke sometimes that our friends are the people who love us in spite of who we are, but I wonder if maybe it isn't truer than we want to admit!) Having said that, I also think that there really IS no harm in letting people drift on if that is how they choose to go...

Peace to you, and I hope all ends well!


Laura

[Droopy]

8. I have a similar experience

with a friend who I've known since middle school. I wish I could talk to him now, but he has moved and didn't send me his new address. I used to be crazy as a loon and he would always put up with my bullshit. Since I've gotten my life back on track (with the appropriate medications) I'd really like to see him again and explain why I was the way I was. Despite all the craziness, we really had some good times together and I'd like to make more fond memories with him.