Wow...Depression and Anxiety really is a dark hole

[bicentennial_baby]

I'm so fucked right now, my head's so out of my control...Waiting for test results, agonizing over the ones I already have, my health anxiety has spiraled so far at this point, it's really got me down. I can't even talk to my fiancee, I'm so worked up and emotional. I feel like I'm dying, even though I'm probably not. I just want to sleep, but I can't without benzos. Started Paxil 3 days ago...So fucking disinterested in life, and terrified of death. No appetite...Crying all the time.

It's so bizarre, all of this has happened in less than a month, total breakdown. I don't see my counselor until Tuesday, and I just want to talk to someone. My family is sick of me and my problems...

:cry: :cry: :cry:

ps- I'm NOT going to off myself, so don't give me any suicide hotline #s, ok?

[MikeG]

1. Hey, hasn't the weather been great?

[Skittles]

3. not funny Mike

nt

[MikeG]

14. I was trying to change the subject. It helps sometimes. Sorry.

[Skittles]

33. you're forgiven

you just cannot understand the hell she is speaking of unless you have been there. My dad killed himself; I can assure you serious depression is nothing to make light of.

[Skittles]

2. yes, and people who have never suffered from it will never understand

they just do not get it, that the worst disease on earth does not kill you, it makes you kill yourself. BB, hang in there and keep talking to us. Some of us do get it.

[bicentennial_baby]

4. Thanks Skittles

It really does help to hear that...I do feel really alone in this right now.

[Skittles]

5. bb, antidepressants take a while to kick in

much longer than three days. Just keep thinking it WILL get better. And remember it's roulette with medication - you may have to get the dosage adjusted.

[bicentennial_baby]

9. Yeah I know

It sucks b/c the anxiety is what's making me depressed...I'm so on edge that I can't function or have any meaningful contact with my family and fiancee. That makes me sad and depressed, b/c the weather is beautiful and I just lay in bed crying, feeling like I'm going to die. I know it will get better, it's just really hard for me.

[Skittles]

10. try to stop thinking how you SHOULD be feeling

or how you should be behaving; this is a serious illness and you are doing the right thing by getting help. You've recognized your situation and you are doing all you can do right now. I know it is hard but tell yourself again and again it will get better.

[TrustingDog]

21. A suggestion that may help...

Try doing something physical - I know it's hard to drag yourself up when you're so down. but get that blood flowing, get out of breath for a while - remind your mind you have a body to take care of. works for me sometimes.

[StClone]

11. Your Fiance is there for you

Make sure to take the meds as the Dr. work through which combination works best for you.

I have a friend that was in your situation and she is doing the best she has ever done in her life after finding the right combination of three meds, counseling and having a support system.

I am a major part of that support system. I hope that your fiance can give you the care, support and love you'll need.

No matter the dark there is hope and light.

[TrustingDog]

20. you're not alone.

I think part of the problem is us being lied to about how great things are for everyone else (good grief, just seeing TV commercials make you feel like a total failure in life - everyone's so happy and great and problems solved so easily so fast) so when we get down we feel like the oddball. But that's just not the case, I know more than a dozen people right now that have depression and anxiety problems. And these are ones that admit it.

[Lars39]

6. Sounds like it has really hit you hard.

{{{{{bicentennial_baby}}}}}

[Career Prole]

7. Hang in there...

...and we'll hang in there with you. All the way 'til Tuesday and beyond. I'm on AD's too, and I know sometimes they just don't help.
:grouphug:

Edit to say I'm leaving work now but I'll be back on at 9 central or so, just in case you test my promise and I don't answer. :)

[daligirrl]

8. Paxil has been great for me. . .

Things will get better. I had such bad panic attacks at one point that I would hide in the closet, feeling as though some beast were after me. I have depression-anxiety big time, and have since I was 5 years old. Hang in there.

[aquart]

12. You DO take a strong multi-B and minerals daily, right?

Your body/brain chemistry is stunningly out of whack. Had episodes like this before?

How long did they say it would take the Paxil to take effect?

[LDS Jock]

13. sorry to hear this.. i know the feeling myself

It DOES get better. Takes a while for the drugs to kick in, sometimes its not the first one that works for you. Therapy is good too, but again, it takes time. Its just hard to make it through in the meantime.

My psychiatrist requested/made me read one book, "Feeling Good.. the New Mood Therapy" by David Burns. Its a pretty cheap book, like $8 or so in paperback. Helps to sort out thinking patterns and how to deal with stress a little better. It is not a solo solution but part of a process of getting better. I did benefit from the book and its suggestions. Should be available at the library too.

Another piece of unsolicited advice. Your family is family and I'm sure they love you. Don't underestimate their love. In reverse, you know there is nothing you wouldn't do for them. Try not to put pressure on yourself.

[Beaverhausen]

15. I know the feeling

can't sleep, can't eat...

just remember to keep breathing. stop and take some long deep breaths and tell youself everything is fine. Even if you don't believe it at first keep saying it. You have the power to change your thoughts.

I recommend Louise Hay's book "You Can Heal Your Life" and if you can find one in your area go to a Louise Hay counselor.

We all go thru times like these at one time or another. You will get thru it. And you will be stronger for it.

:hug:

[Southsideirish]

16. Been there- done that. One little test you can do is - does your

"condition" wake you up in the middle of the night OR if you have to get up and make a bathroom run - do you have it then - when you are half asleep and not "thinking"???
Baby, you HAVE to get control of your thoughts or your life will not be good. You must start to meditate to control/slow down your thoughts and you have to do it NOW.
Even after you have your mind relieved over your current "catastrophe" there will just be another one down the road. You have to try to nip this in the bud now.

[2Design]

17. might want to find out if the paxil is not the right thing for you

sometimes you may have to try a different anti depression medication.

check with your doctor...

Can you fit into any of the 12 step programs out there.....and go to a meeting.....????

Call AA hotline and they can give you the numbers of any others you might fit into...?
Here is a list of some:
AlAnon
CoDependents
Narcotics
smokers
sex
incest

or just call any of them just to talk. Call a hope line!!!

get a funny movie

Usually when I get the whirling dervishes.... I call someone up. It is as if the committe in my head takes over and they are constantly fighting and battling..

Also it helps when I start scaring myself. I can take one negative thought and next thing you know.... I have imagined ...I am living on the street in a box.....

Just having someone to call and talk to helps.....
That is where a 12 step program is good....they understand when someone has the whirling dervishes.....

move a muscle change a thought
first things first
one day at a time
easy does it
let go and let god

lots of good stuff...

go to a book store....walk around...
a coffee shop

breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe, try laughing....breathe, breathe again.....

you can get throught the whirling dervish.....This too shall pass....
all moments pass...

you just have to help guide your spirit through this moment and sometimes another human can help or the god spirit....

or run around the house.....

[proud patriot]

18. Hugs to you

:hug:

[Political_Junkie]

19. give it time, honey,

I know that's hard, but we're all here for you. :hug:

[WannaJumpMyScooter]

22. Lots of us have been there. I have. My wife is there now

She is waiting for the meds to work too.... sleeps all day, cries for no reason, snaps at kids and me...

It sucks.

I have been medicated for 4 years now? Hmmmmm. Just realized that I got depressed the same time * took the oath... odd.

But I feel better than I ever have before.

You will too. Just a matter of time, and the right mix of chemicals. Paxil may not be right for you. Don't be afraid to speak up and say something.

I was lucky, Effexor was right for me, and still is. Only had to add Welbutrin during the war last year, and is still working, no break-through depression or anxiety.

Having a calm mind has allowed me to complete my Master's and Ph D. over the past 4 years... which I never could have done before.

Don't despair, PM/IM/EMail... whatever you need, let me know.

[Taverner]

23. I hear you

I'm not going to mention any specifics...but I was there. All I ever wanted to to was sleep. When I woke up I was seriously depressed, and wanted like hell to go back to sleep again - just to make the world around me go away.

I had no idea what was causing it...and my worst fear was that it would never change.

It passed....thank God...

[TrogL]

24. TELL YOUR DOCTOR IMMEDIATELY

RIGHT NOW!!

You may need to go off Paxil.

I was on it and lasted about a week (of pure hell). I swear the stuff should be taken off the market.

There's plenty of other choices.

[bicentennial_baby]

25. I don't think it's the Paxil

I felt like this before I started it...It's not making me worse, it's just not making me better yet. It's cool though, I'm keeping an eye on myself...My sister had a hard time with Paxil, so I know what to watch out for.

Thanks for the advice though :pals:

[2Design]

28. Glad your still online....didn't see any more posts.....

so you are keeping contact....that works...

breathe, pray, talk with someone, read these crazy threads and know this too shall pass...:bounce: :bounce: :bounce:

[Skittles]

26. I'm not sure three days is enough for any real effect

but certainly it is good advice to let the doctor know.

[bicentennial_baby]

27. You guys and gals are great, y'know that?

I does help so much to hear the words of encouragement and understanding from my fellow DUers. I'm feeling a lil better now...thanks all, you rock, seriously.

[Career Prole]

32. Okay, I'm back...

...you're feeling a bit better, BB? That's great! :)

[bratcatinok]

29. Been there and it's definitely not fun!

I called the worked up and emotional feelings 'the screaming mimi's'. I see someone else is calling them the whirling dervishes which is another good name for them.

When they'd hit me I couldn't concentrate on anything. My mind jumped and whirled and dashed and I had long disjointed silent conversations with myself. I felt like I was going to jump out of my skin and I wished I could. I felt like I could run 3,000 miles an hour without my feet ever touching the ground but I didn't have enough energy to get off of the couch.

Something that helped me to calm my mind down was to lay down in a cool, darkened room. Focus as much as I could on my big toe and encourage it to relax. All of my focus was getting that big toe to relax and it eventually would. Once I got the big toe relaxed I'd move my focus over and relax the other toes. After all toes were relaxed I'd zero in on the sole of my foot. Slowly I could work my way up to my calves, then my knees, thighs, buttocks, lower back, lower stomach, mid back, diaphragm, shoulders, upper arms, lower arms, palm, individual fingers, back up to lower arm, upper arm, shoulder, neck, chin, lips, nose, cheeks, ears, bottom of head, and finally the top of my head.

Rarely did I make it to the top of my head because I was usually either very calm or I was asleep.

Please try it and let me know if it helps you like it did me. I care!

[Cheswick2.0]

36. I have used that technique... It really does work

It can be hard to force yourself to do, but worth it when you can get there.

[Zero Division]

30. Yes, truly something no one can understand unless they've also had it

It's a living hell, for sure. Anxiety and the depression that followed really ripped a hole in my life for a while, but myself and many others who've been through it can tell you that there is indeed a light at the end of the tunnel, as incredibly difficult as it likely is for you to believe that at the moment.

My worst attacks would hit me, just like Southsideirish described above, right at the point between being awake and being asleep, giving me hours worth of unrelenting nausea, violent shaking, the most horrible chills I'd ever felt, and a feeling of pure terror. And to top it off, the attacks would occur multiple times in one week. I was terrified that they would never end. I would lose my appetite as a result and often felt too weak to do much of anything.

I was misdiagnosed as having silent migraine (yeah, I know....:shrug:)at first. I think the placebo effect of having something to take that would supposedly prevent the attacks really helped at first. My attacks reduced greatly in number and severity for several months. Then during the beginning of my 5th year (was going for a double degree) the severe attacks began to hit me again. This time I went home and my mother witnessed me in the middle of one of my attacks, and thankfully realized the similarities between my attacks and the anxiety attacks my father had apparently experienced when he was about my age. I was then diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder and was put on xanax for short-term and began taking paxil. The xanax helped immediately.

For the first few months I was fine, the paxil seemed to be working. But after awhile it began to seem like the paxil was working too well. I stopped caring about anything, in general. My motivation was wrecked. And just as I had begun to realize what was happening, depression started sinking in. I ended up having to drop out of my last semester, without the part of my degree that I really wanted. I felt hopeless. I quit the paxil (which is something you should NEVER quit cold-turkey). Eventually I saw a psychiatrist who prescribed ativan, which I did not have to take on a regular basis like the paxil. Ativan was a lifesaver for me. I only experienced rare and much-less severe attacks, which would subside within minutes after taking the ativan.

I got a temporary job after a while. Things were going pretty well. But once that was done, the depression began to set in again. I just didn't have much hope at all. And then a good friend reappeared in my life. She gave me the contact info for a hypnotherapist who had helped another friend who was once in a similar situation. Having no health insurance and wanting to try something aside from pills, I decided to give it a try. Ironically, one of the best things about my hypnotherapist was that I able to talk at length about all of my fears and the stressors in my life, more so than I had with the psychiatrist. And when it came to the hypnosis, all I had to do was relax as deeply as I was able, and it still had a significant effect on my mood. I used a tape made from that session to practice doing this for myself.

Since then my normal mood-base has gone up and my downs have become less frequent and severe. I finally feel a little hopeful again. The most amazing thing for me, though, is that I no longer need ativan to counteract an anxiety attack. What I learned to do from my hypnosis comes through even when I'm in a half-asleep state. This isn't to say that I would suggest that everyone try to fight anxiety/depression without medication. It's not a good idea to experiment with your life, but hypnotherapy can be especially helpful with anxiety attacks that occur in the half-asleep state. And achieving a meditative state in general can really help your mood and feelings of anxiousness.

Anway, seeing that this post is becoming a novel :boring:, I just wanted to say: Do not lose hope. You WILL make it through. :grouphug:

Wow. Holy crap my post is huge. :embarrassed:

[Droopy]

31. I've suffered from serious mental illness in the past

It may take a while for the docs to figure out exactly what is wrong with you. It took me three trips to the hospital in the psych ward before they finally got my diagnosis right. But I have a rather rare disorder. It's possible that you could be suffering from one illness that is causing all of your symptoms. All you can do is hang in there until they get it right. When they do, you will know for sure. There won't be any doubt about about your physical and mental well being because you will feel normal again and it will be a great relief.

Be prepared to have to take drugs for the rest of your life. It sounds like a bummer, but it's well worth the price for a sane life.

[Cheswick2.0]

34. BB, you are going to be okay, I promise

You are doing the right thing having the upper GI done. It is important to make sure there really are no physical problems to worry about. If by chance you did find some health problem beside the panic disorder, there are treatments and no one is going to let you go through anything alone.
But if it turns out that there is nothing to the cancer fear, you can deal with that too. One thing you could do is research and find books writen by people who have been where you are. You can probably find lots of people's stories on line. Get your google going if you have not already.

Let me reiterate..if there is any Alcohol/Drug abuse in your background get to an Al-Anon meeting. If there is sexual or emotional/mental abuse, there are support groups for those people too. Sometimes the people who are where you are make a much better support system than your family. Families are often not ready to understand what you are going through.

You are going to be okay. It may take time but the worst of this will pass when you start to understand it.
How did your first session with the counselor go?

[bicentennial_baby]

35. It went well

I like her, and she seems sincere. I talked about a million things, and cried a lot. We talked about my lifelong hypochondria and fear of death, and how that might relate to my dad's MS, which he has had since I was 1 year old. We also talked about the feelings that arose this spring when I took a women's self-defense class, and was haunted by thoughts of my abusive ex buyfriend, and how I haven't really dealt with them yet.

It was good, overall. I'm tired now, I think I'll try and get some sleep. Thanks so much Cheswick. I know you're right, I will get through this, come what may. :hug:

[flamingyouth]

37. I'm so sorry you're going through this

Feel free to PM me anytime if you just want to talk.:hug:

[blueraven95]

38. unsolicited advice

I don't know the back story to your depression, so if you've already done this, then ignore my post.

Make sure you talk to your doctor about exactly what could be causing your depression. ( I know you said it's anxiety, but then find out what is causing the anxiety.) Recently, there has been a lot of studies showing that many forms of depression are actually caused by another physical illness. In my case, I found out that my thyroid doesn't work properly, but I only found this out because my mother was diagnosed, and since that can be hereditary, I looked into it. I think between my mother, my sister, and myself, we went through fifteen different doctors before we found someone who would really explore all the possibilities. Now it's four years later, and I feel pretty good, and while I still take an antidepressent, it is at a much lower dosage then I ever thought it would be.

Its just something to think about.

Good luck!

[Maestro]

39. Been there!

It ain't fun. But as others have said, you need to talk to people, and give the medicine a chance to kick in. I had to go through two meds before I found the one that works best for me. It happens to be Lexapro. It has practically no side effects for me and I have never felt better mentally although physically I am still recovering from a my first real illness. Anyhow, try to stay calm and find some friends or simply do something that you like to do. If you are like I was, there might not seem like anything appealing so just take a walk or rent a funny movie. I found that exercising really helped me. Luckily I had always done that before so it wasn't anything different, but freeing up some of those endorphines did help me a bit.

Take care and check back in with us.