Satan joke thread!

[CanuckAmok]

Here's mine:

People were in their pews talking at church.

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.


Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance,
trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman
who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact
that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the old man and said. "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan..

"Don't doubt it for a minute,"
returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I could cause you profound horrifying,
AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.

"Yep," was the calm reply.

"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope," said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked,

"Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied,
"Been married to your sister for 48 years."

[mac56]

1. This guy dies and goes to the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter checks him in and asks, “Profession, please.”

“I’m an engineer,” the guy replies.

“Engineer?! Oh, my, no,” says St. Peter. “There must be a mistake. We can’t have you here. You go to the other place.”

So the engineer goes off down to Hell, and needless to say, is pretty displeased. After a day or so, he decides it’s time for some modifications. He sets to work, and pretty soon he’s installed central air conditioning, indoor plumbing, a ventilation system and escalators. By this time, Hell has become a more pleasant place and the engineer is a pretty popular fellow.

Right around this time God phones Satan to see how in Hell things are going. “Things are going very well,” Satan tells him. “We’ve got air conditioning, indoor plumbing, a ventilation system and escalators now. Who knows what else we’ll have after that engineer gets through.”

“You have an engineer?!” exclaims God. “That’s not right. He’s ours. Send him to Me at once.”

“No chance,” Satan replies. “I’ve gotten pretty used to having an engineer. I’m keeping him.”

“You hand over that engineer,” God bellows, “or I’ll sue you.”

“Yeah, right,” scoffs Satan. “Where are you going to get a lawyer?!”

[mac56]

2. This lawyer was sitting in his office late one night

when Satan appeared.

Satan told the lawyer, "I've had my eye on you for awhile and I have a proposition for you. You can work for me. You'll win every case you try, for the rest of your life, though your assistants will do all the work. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, you'll be a celebrity and meet millions of gorgeous women, and you'll make an embarrassing sum of money."

The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, "So what's the catch?"

"Well," continued Satan, "you'll be working for me. I'll own your eternal soul. You'll have to lie, cheat, steal, and screw over anyone I tell you to. You'll have to betray your wife, your children, and your closest friends. And after you die, you'll burn in Hell for eternity."

The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, "So what's the catch?"

[joefree1]

3. I prefer Satan jokes where repukes ....

Donald Rumsfeld dies and is sent to Hell. Satan decides to personally escort the famous Secratary of Defense. The Devil takes Rummy to that part of Hell reserved for politicians. Satan shows him the doors to three rooms and says he must choose one of the rooms to spend eternity in.

So Satan opens the first door. In this room there are various people he remembers from the Ford administration standing in shit up to their waist. But Donald says "no,please show me the next room".

Satan shows him the next room and this has cabinet staff he remembers from the Reagan administration. But here they're standing with shit up to their ears, so he says no again.

Finally Satan shows him the third and final room. This time there are people he worked with in the Nixon administration. Here there is only shit up to their knees and they're drinking cups of coffee and eating cakes. So Donald says I'll choose this room please. Satan says O.K. and leaves Donald to greet his old buddys.
Five seconds later, a demon strolls in, and screams "OK you repukes, coffee breaks over, BACK ON YOU'RE HEADS!!"




Seating now available in the Smoking Section:
Politics, humor, death and the Devil - http://www.eDiablo.com

[joefree1]

4. W chooses between heaven and hell

While walking down the street one day, George "Dubya" Bush is shot and killed by a disgruntled NRA member. His soul arrives in heaven and he is met by St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem: We seldom know what to do with a Republicans in these parts, and the same goes for you. "No problem, just let me in; I'm a believer." says Dubya

"I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from the Man Himself: He says you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must choose where you'll live for eternity."

"But, I've already made up my mind; I want to be in Heaven."

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules." And with that Peter escorts him to an elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a lush golf course the sun is shining in a cloudless sky, the temperature perfect 72 degrees.

In the distance is a beautiful clubhouse. Standing in front of it his dad...and thousands of other Republicans who had helped him out over the years... Karl Rove, Dick Cheney, Jerry Falwell.... The whole of the "Right" was there...everyone laughing...happy...casually but expensively dressed.

They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at expense of the "suckers and peasants". They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar.

The Devil himself comes up to Bush with a frosty drink, "Have a Margarita and relax, Dubya!"

"Uh, I can't drink no more, I took a pledge," says Junior, dejectedly.

"This is Hell, son: you can drink and eat all you want and not worry, and it just gets better from there!"

Dubya takes the drink and finds himself liking the Devil, who he thinks is a really very friendly guy who tells funny jokes and pulls hilarious nasty pranks, kind of like a Yale Skull and Bones brother with real horns.

They are having such a great time that, before he realizes it, it's time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as Bush steps on the elevator and heads upward.

When the elevator door reopens, he is in Heaven again and St. Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit Heaven," the old man says, opening the gate.

So for 24 hours Bush is made to hang out with a bunch of honest, good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things other than money, and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or frat boy joke among them; no fancy country clubs and, while the food tastes great, it's not caviar or lobster. And these people are all poor, he doesn't see anybody he knows, and he isn't even treated like someone special!

Worst of all, to Dubya, Jesus turns out to be some kind of Jewish hippie with his endless 'peace' and 'do unto others' jive.

"Whoa," he says uncomfortably to himself, "Pat Robertson never prepared me for this!"

The day done, St. Peter returns and says, "Well, then, you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for eternity."

With the 'Jeopardy' theme playing softly in the background,Dubya reflects for a minute, then answers: "Well, I would never have thought I'd say this -- I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends.

So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell.

The doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial waste...kind of like Houston. He is horrified to see all of his friends, dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. They are groaning and moaning in pain,faces and hands black with grime. The Devil come over to Dubya and puts an arm around his shoulder.

"I don't understand," stammers a shocked Dubya, "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a clubhouse and drank and ate caviar... I drank booze. We screwed around and had a great time.

Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable.

The Devil looks at him, smiles slyly, and purrs, "Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us."

[joefree1]

5. So Rush Limbaugh dies and goes to Hell

So Rush Limbaugh dies and goes to Hell. Its horrible. Burning fires. Hot bubbling lava! Incredible pain! No Oxycontin. He looks over and sees George W. Bush having sex with a beautiful woman. Non-stop, sweaty, constant, back-breaking sex.

So the next time Satan is going by on an inspection tour, Rush complains. "This sucks! I have to suffer for all eternity, and that White House squatting frat boy gets to spend it with a beautiful woman."

The Devil replied, "Who are you to question my punishment of that woman?"

[mac56]

6. This one may get me flamed...no pun intended

This guy dies and finds himself in Hell. As he is wallowing in despair, Satan happens by. Satan looks him over and says, "Why so glum, chum?"

"Why do you think?," replies the guy. "I'm in Hell."

"Ahh, Hell's not so bad," says Satan. "We actually have a lot of fun down here. For instance: you a drinkin' man?"

"Sure," replies the guy. "I love to drink."

"Well, you're gonna love Mondays then," replies Satan. "On Mondays, all we do is drink. Whiskey, scotch, tequila, beer, wine coolers...we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more! Why not?! We're already in Hell!"

"Gee, that sounds great...." replies the guy.

"You a smoker?" asks Satan.

"Sure," replies the guy.

"Well, then, you're gonna love Tuesdays," says Satan. "We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. Cancer? No biggie - you're already dead, remember?"

"Wow...that's...awesome!" replies the guy.

"I bet you like to gamble," says Satan.

"Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do," says the guy.

"'Cause on Wednesdays you can gamble all you want," says Satan. "Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, the ponies, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, big deal! You're dead anyhow."

"Amazing!" says the guy, who starts to perk up.

"You into drugs?" asks Satan.

"Well, yeah, but...You don't mean..."

"That's right! Thursday is drug day," says Satan. "Help yourself to anything. Smoke a doob the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want. And if you go too far - you're dead - who cares?"

"Yowza!" says the guy. "I never realized Hell was such a fun place!"

"You bet!" says Satan. "So...you into kinky sex toys?"

"Uh...no," replies the guy.

"Ooooh..." grimaces Satan. "You're really gonna hate Fridays...."

[pagerbear]

7. LOL

[mac56]

8. Satan challenged God to a baseball game.

"I don't know how you think you have a chance," says God. "We've got all the greats: Ruth, Gehrig, DiMaggio, Mantle, Williams, Robinson..."

"Yeah," Satan replied, "but we've got all the umpires."

[Zero Gravitas]

9. What did Satan say to the US Senator?

"Go F^@K yourself!"

[mac56]

10. How does Satan answer the phone?

"Who in Hell do you want?"

[mac56]

11. Bill Gates dies and goes to Hell.

Satan greets him and says, "Welcome, Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been a selfish, greedy liar all your life. Now you have a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever."

Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured.

He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions.

Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a bottle of the finest wine sitting on a table. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation Bill says, "I'll take this option."

"Fine," says Satan as Bill enters the room. Satan locks the room after Bill.

As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer. "That was Bill Gates!" cries Lucifer. "You give him the best place of all!"

"That's what everyone thinks," snickers Satan. "The bottle has a hole in it."

"What about the PC?" asks Lucifer.

"It's got Windows 95!" laughs Satan. "And it's missing three keys."

"Which three?"

"Control, Alt, and Delete."