Please post your best Bush jokes, and Bush administration jokes

[schultzee]

I need to collect some to send back to my sister-in-law who bombard me with anti-Kerry and anti-democrat jokes.

[GreenPartyVoter]

1. "President" Bush.

He IS the joke. 'Nough said.

[MallRat]

2. Poker with Cheney.

This one's been making the rounds. I love it.

==========================================================================
Transcript of The Editors' regular Saturday-night poker game with Dick Cheney, 6/19/04. Start tape at 12:32 AM.

The Editors: We'll take three cards.

Dick Cheney: Give me one.

(Sounds of cards being placed down, dealt, retrieved, and rearranged in hand. Non-commital noises, puffing of cigars.)

TE: Fifty bucks.

DC: I'm in. Show 'em.

TE: Two pair, sevens and fives.

DC: Not good enough.

TE: What do you have?

DC: Better than that, that's for sure. Pay up.

TE: Can you show us your cards?

DC: Sure. One of them's a six.

TE: You need to show all your cards. That's the way the game is played.

Colin Powell: Ladies and gentlemen. We have accumulated overwhelming evidence that Mr. Cheney's poker hand is far, far better than two pair. Note this satellite photo, taken three minutes ago when The Editors went to get more chips. In it we clearly see the back sides of five playing cards, arranged in a poker hand. Defector reports have assured us that Mr. Cheney's hand was already well advanced at this stage. Later, Mr. Cheney drew only one card. Why only one card? Would a man without a strong hand choose only one card? We are absolutely convinced that Mr. Cheney has at least a full house.

Tim Russert: Wow. Colin Powell really hit a homerun for the Administration right there. A very powerful performance. My dad played a lot of poker in World War 2, and he taught me many things about life. Read my book.

TE: He's extremely good at Power Point. But we would like to see the cards, or else we can't really be sure he has anything to beat two pair. We don't think he would lie to us, but ... well, it is a very rich pot.

Jonah Goldberg: Liberal critics of Mr. Cheney's poker hand contend that "he doesn't have anything". Oh, really, liberal critics? Cheney has already showed them the six of clubs, and yet these liberals persist in saying he has "nothing". Why do liberals consider the six of clubs to be "nothing"? Is it because the six of clubs is black?

Matt Drudge: ****DRUDGE REPORT EXCLUSIVE****
*****MUST CREDIT THE DRUDGE REPORT*****
The Drudge Report has learned that Dick Cheney has a royal flush, hearts. Developing ...

TE: Perhaps if you could just show us a subset of your cards which beat 2 pair? Or tell us exactly what your hand is?

DC: We will show you our cards after we have collected the pot. It is important that things be done in this order, otherwise the foundation of our entire poker game will be destroyed.

TE: We aren't sure ...

DC: Very good. And here are my cards. A straight flush.

Judith Miller: Dick Cheney has revealed a straight flush, confirming his pre-collection claims about beating two pair.

TE: Those cards are of different suits. It's not a flush.

Mark Steyn: When will it end? Now liberal critics complain that Dick Cheney's cards are not all the same suit. Naturally, these are the same liberals who are always whining about a lack of diversity in higher education. It seems like segregation is OK with these liberals, as long as it damages Republicans.

MD: ****DRUDGE REPORT EXCLUSIVE****
*****MUST CREDIT THE DRUDGE REPORT*****
A witness has come forward claiming that The Editors engage in racial profiling in blog-linking. Developing ...

TE: Wait! It's not even a straight! You've got a eight and ten of hearts, a six of clubs, and the seven and five of diamonds. You have a ten high. That's nothing.

Sean Hannity: Well, well, well. In another sign of liberal desperation, liberals now complain that a ten high is "nothing". Does ten equal zero in liberal mathematics? That would explain a lot.

Robert Novak: It's a perfectly valid poker hand. Apparently, liberals have never heard of a "skip straight". It's a kind of straight, just with one card missing. But if you skip around the missing nine, it's a straight.

Alan Colmes: Mother says I mustn't play poker.

TE: There is no such thing as a "skip straight".

Brit Hume: It seems like some people are still playing poker like it's September 10th. Back then, you needed to have all your cards in order to claim a straight. But, as we learned on that day, sometimes you won't have perfect knowledge. Sometimes you have to learn to connect the dots, and see the patterns which are not visible to superficial analysis of the type favored by the CIA and the State Department. Dick Cheney's skip straight is a winning poker hand for the post-9/11 world.

Rush Limbaugh: Do The Editors have two pairs, or a pair of twos? First they say one thing, then another. What are they hiding?

Andrew Sullivan: Dick Cheney never said he had a straight. He was very careful about this. His cards can form many different hands. None of these hands alone can beat a pair of twos; but, taken together, the combination of all possible hands presents a more compelling case for taking the pot than simply screaming "Pair of twos! Pair of twos!" as unprincipled liberal critics of the Vice President so often do.

MD: ****DRUDGE REPORT EXCLUSIVE****
*****MUST CREDIT THE DRUDGE REPORT*****
Did The Editors claim to have "a pair of Jews"? Are they anti-Semites as well as racists? Developing ...

Zell Miller: As a lifelong liberal Democrat, I believe Dick Cheney, and I hate liberals and Democrats.

William Safire: Why are liberals so obsessed by Dick Cheney's poker hand? The pot has been taken, the deal is done. If liberals are upset that we are no longer playing by the Marquis of Queensbury patty-cake poker rules, they clearly lack the stomach to play poker in the post-September 11th environment. And why do they never complain about Saddam Hussein's poker playing, which was a thousand times worse?

Christopher Hitchens: The Left won't be happy until the pot is divided up equally between Yassar Arafat, Osama bin Laden, and Hitler. Orwell would have seen this.

Ann Coulter: Why do liberals object so strenuously to the idea of conservatives having a "straight"? Perhaps because it doesn't fit in with the radical homosexual/Islamist agenda they hold so dear?

Report of the Bipartisan Commission on Poker Hands: There is no such thing as a "skip straight".

DC: I have access to poker rules that the Commission doesn't, and so I know for a fact that the cards in my hand are all intimately connected.

George W. Bush: Dick Cheney is telling the truth. I'm a nice man who would drink a beer with you.

Vladimir Putin: I dealt Dick Cheney three aces and two kings.

DC: My deal.

[GreenPartyVoter]

4. I love it! Kudos to the writer, whoever you are!

[democrat_patriot]

8. That sums it all up in one concise 'joke'...

It was waaaay to close to the mark. Why have I not seen this before?

Too funny.

Ann Coulter: Homosexual/Islamic agenda...bwahahahahah!!!

[Redbear]

3. Bush and Cheney go to lunch a diner.

The waitress asks "what'll you gentlemen have?"

Bush looks up at the waitress, winks at her and says, "Hey darlin, how about a quickie?'

The waitress turns red and runs away.

Cheney says, Mr. President I believe that's pronounced, "Keysh."

[Walt Starr]

5. Best Bush joke over the entire administration

"Department of Homeland Security"

:::snicker:::

:evilgrin:

[russian33]

6. one of my favorites

Vice President Cheney was visiting a third-grade class, and answering questions.

Billy raised his hand, and said, "I have a three-part question. First, where are the weapons of mass destruction? Second, why does Halliburton get all the business in Iraq? Third, how much will the new Medicare bill cost?"

Suddenly, the recess bell rang, and all the kids went outside to play.

After recess, and back in the classroom, Tommy raised his hand, and said to VP Cheney, "I have a five-part question. First, where are the weapons of mass destruction? Second, why does Halliburton get all the business in Iraq? Third, how much will the new Medicare bill cost? Fourth, why did the recess bell ring thirty minutes early today, and fifth, what happened to little Billy?"

********************

Little Hannah on the corner holding a box. Curious, Bush
runs over and says, "What's in the box, kid?"
Little Hannah says, "Kittens, they're brand new
kittens."
Bush laughs and says, "What kind of kittens are they?"
"Republicans", says Little Hannah.
"Now that's cute", Bush says and goes on his way.
A few days later, Bush is running with the Vice
President Cheney and he spies Little Hannah with her
box just ahead.
He says to Dick, "You gotta check this out.", and they
both jog over to Little Hannah.
Bush says, "Look in the box Cheney. Isn't that cute?
Hey, kid, tell my friend what kind of kittens they
are."
Little Hannah replies, "They're Democrats."
"Whoa!", Bush says, "I came by here the other day and
you said they were Republicans. What's up?"
"Well", Little Hannah explains, "their eyes are open
now."

[lunarboy13]

7. GW Campaign bumperstickers

Bumper Stickers for the Bush 2004 Campaign

Bush/Cheney '04: Four More Wars

Bush/Cheney '04: Leave No Billionaire Behind

Bush/Cheney '04: Deja-Voodoo All Over Again!

Bush/Cheney '04: Compassionate Colonialism

Bush/Cheney '04: Because the Truth Just Isn't Good Enough

Bush/Cheney '04: Making the World a Better Place, One Country at a Time

Bush/Cheney '04: Over a Billion Whoppers Served.

Bush/Cheney '04: Putting the "Con" in Conservative

Bush/Cheney '04: Thanks for Not Paying Attention.

Bush/Cheney '04: The Last Vote You'll Ever Have to Cast

Bush/Cheney: Asses of Evil

Bush/Cheney '04: We're Gooder!

Bush/Cheney '04: This Time, Elect Us!

George W. Bush: The Buck Stops Over There

George W. Bush: A Brainwave Away from the Presidency

Don't think. Vote Bush!

More Trees, Less Bush

It Takes a Village Idiot

One Person, One Vote (*May Not Apply in Certain States)

Bring Back Monica Lewinsky

[cheezus]

9. Nam flashback

Bush's Vietnam flashback:
"There I was, eye to eye with Charlie. He took a shot! Then I took a shot! Then he took a shot! Then we both took another shot! And another! And another!

Boy, that Charlie... hell of a drinker."

/a cheezus original

[GreenPartyVoter]

10. *lol*

[lunarboy13]

11. Bush at the Pearly Gates

Bush, Einstein and Picasso at the Pearly Gates

Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, "You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some people will go to sneak into Heaven. Can
you prove who you really are?"

Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?"

Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity.

Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really ARE Einstein!" he says. "Welcome to heaven!"

The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials.

Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?"

Saint Peter says, "Go ahead."

Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk.

Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!" he says. "Come on in!"

Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove
yours?"

George W. looks bewildered and says, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"

Saint Peter sighs and says, "Come on in, George."

[lunarboy13]

12. Bush and Condi Star in...Who's on First? (Abbott and Costello Routine)

Hu's On First

(We take you now to the Oval Office.)

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?

Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.

George: Great. Lay it on me.

Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.

George: That's what I want to know.

Condi: That's what I'm telling you.

George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes.

George: I mean the fellow's name.

Condi: Hu.

George: The guy in China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The new leader of China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The Chinaman!

Condi: Hu is leading China.

George: Now whaddya' asking me for?

Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.

George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?

Condi: That's the man's name.

George: That's who's name?

Condi: Yes.

George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader
of China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.

Condi: That's correct.

George: Then who is in China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir is in China?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Then who is?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of
China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.

Condi: Kofi?

George: No, thanks.

Condi: You want Kofi?

George: No.

Condi: You don't want Kofi.

George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk.
And then get me the U.N.

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi?

George: Milk! Will you please make the call?

Condi: And call who?

George: Who is the guy at the U.N?

Condi: Hu is the guy in China.

George: Will you stay out of China?!

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the
U.N.

Condi: Kofi.

George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.

(Condi picks up the phone.)

Condi: Rice, here.

George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we
should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?

[Dyedinthewoolliberal]

19. I like it!!!!!!

:kick::)

[Gregorian]

13. Here's my best Bush photoshop. Be kind. I'm a novice.

<img src="" alt="Image Hosted by ImageShack.us" />

[GreenPartyVoter]

27. Heehee. Funny!

[lunarboy13]

14. A Puzzled President...

Puzzled President

Cheney gets a call from his "boss", W.

"I've got a problem," says W.

"What's the matter?" asks Cheney.

"Well, you told me to keep busy in the Oval Office, so, I got a jigsaw puzzle, but it's too hard. None of the pieces fit together and I can't find any edges."

"What's it a picture of?" asks Cheney.

"A big rooster," replies W.

"All right," sighs Cheney, "I'll come over and have a look."

So he leaves his office and heads over to the Oval Office. W points at the jigsaw on his desk.

Cheney looks at the desk and then turns to W and says, "For crying out loud, Georgie - put the corn flakes back in the box."

[lunarboy13]

15. classic light bulb joke with Bush Admin Twist...

How the Bush Administration Changes a Light Bulb

How many Bush administration officials does it take to change a light bulb?

Are you ready for this?

The Answer is SEVEN:

(1) one to deny that a light bulb needs to be replaced;

(2) one to attack and question the patriotism of anyone who has questions about the light bulb;

(3) one to blame the previous administration for the need of a new light bulb;

(4) one to arrange the invasion of a country rumored to have a secret stockpile of light bulbs;

(5) one to get together with Vice President Cheney and figure out how to pay Halliburton Industries one million dollars for a light bulb;

(6) one to arrange a photo-op session showing Bush changing the light bulb while dressed in a flight suit and wrapped in an American flag;

(7) and finally one to explain to Bush the difference between screwing a light bulb and screwing the country.

[HFishbine]

16. My Favorites (hillarious -- really!)

George W. Bush meets with the Queen of England. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround
yourself with intelligent people."

Bush frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"

The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to
answer an intelligence riddle."

The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?" Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes, my
Queen?"

The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, "That would be me."
"Yes! Very good," says the Queen.

Back at the White House, Bush asks to speak with vice president Dick
Cheney. "Dick, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?" "I'm not sure," says the vice president. "Let me get back to you on that one."

Dick Cheney goes to his advisors and asks every one, but none can give
him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall.

Dick shouts, "Colin! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!" Dick Cheney smiles. "Thanks!"

Cheney goes back to the Oval Office and to speak with Bush. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell."

Bush gets up, stomps over to Dick Cheney, and angrily yells into his
face, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

[lunarboy13]

17. The Bet

The Bet

George Dubya and Dick Cheney are watching the 6 o'clock news one evening. Cheney bets Dubya $50 that the man in the lead story, who is threatening to jump from a 40 story building, will jump. "I'll take that bet," Dubya replied.
A few minutes later, the newscaster breaks in to report that the man had, indeed, jumped from the building. Cheney, feeling sudden guilt for having bet on such an incident, turns to Dubya and tells him that he does not need to pay the $50.

"No, a bet's a bet," Dubya replied, "I owe you $50 dollars."

Cheney, feeling even more guilty, replied, "No, you don't understand, I saw the 3:00 edition, so I knew how it was going to turn out."

"That's okay," said Dubya, "I saw it earlier too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."

[eissa]

18. I hope I remember this one right

An elementary school teacher asked the kids in her class what their fathers did for a living.

One said his father was a fireman. Another said her father was a doctor. One child said her father was an accountant.

The teacher then asked Billy what his father did. Billy replied, "My father dances naked in front of men. Sometimes, if the offer is good, he'll have sex with them for money."

Shocked, the teacher quickly changed the subject and sent the children to recess. She pulled Billy aside and asked if what he just said about his father was true. "No," Billy replied, "he really works for the Bush administration, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."

[lunarboy13]

20. This one is pretty dark....

Taking Up a Collection for the President

A lobbyist, on his way home from work in Washington, D.C., came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this seems worse than usual."

He noticed a police officer walking between the lines of stopped cars, so he rolled down his window and asked, "Officer, what's the hold-up?"

The officer replied, "The President is depressed, so he stopped his motorcade and is threatening to douse himself with gasoline and set himself on fire. He says no one believes his stories about why we went to war in Iraq, or the connection between Saddam and al-Qaeda, or that his tax cuts will help anyone except his wealthy friends; the press called him on the lie about Iraq trying to buy uranium from Niger, and now Campbell Brown is threatening to sue him for a sexual innuendo he made at a recent press conference. So we're taking up a collection for him."

The lobbyist asks, "How much have you got so far?"

The officer replies, "About 14 gallons, but a lot of folks are still siphoning."

[mac56]

21. The "Bush Is Smart" rally

In the light of all the criticism that George Bush is an idiot, the Republicans decide to hold a "George Bush Is Not Stupid" convention. Eighty thousand Republicans meet in the Kansas City Chiefs Stadium.

Dick Cheney says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that George Bush is not stupid. So ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce President George Bush."

After the cheers die down Cheney says, "Mr. President, we're going to prove to the world once and for all that you are not stupid. So tell us, what is 15 plus 15?"

Bush, after scrunching up his face and concentrating real hard for a moment, declares, "Eighteen!"

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. But slowly and strongly the 80,000 Republicans start chanting, "Give Bush another chance! Give Bush another chance!"

Cheney says, "Well, since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you fine Republicans in one place, I guess we can do that." So he asks, "Mr. President, what is 5 plus 5?"

After nearly 30 seconds of chin-rubbing and grimacing, Bush meekly asks "Ninety?"

Cheney is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened, and some grumbling can be heard.

But suddenly the 80,000 Republicans begin to yell and wave their hands, shouting again, "Give Bush another chance! Give Bush another chance!"

Unsure whether he's doing more harm than good, Cheney eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- Mr. President, what is 2 plus 2?"

Bush looks down, counts on his fingers, and after a whole minute, proudly announces "Four."

A moment of total silence, then an electric charge surges through the stadium as pandemonium breaks out.

All 80,000 Republicans jump to their feet. They start to wave their arms, stomp their feet, and create a deafening roar:

"GIVE BUSH ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE BUSH ANOTHER CHANCE!"

[lunarboy13]

22. This one is a classic...

Bush the Post Turtle

A 70-year-old Texas Rancher got his hand caught in a gate while working cattle. He wrapped the hand in his bandana and drove his pickup to the doctor. While suturing the laceration, the doctor asked the old man about George W. Bush being in the White House.

The old Texan said, "Well, ya know, Bush is a 'Post Turtle.'"

Not knowing what the old man meant, the doctor asked what a Post Turtle was.

The old man looked at him and drawled, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a Post Turtle."

The old man saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain:

"You know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't belong there, he can't get anything done while he's up there, and you just want to help the poor dumb bastard get down."

[lunarboy13]

23. Repuke Convention Schedule....

Republican National Convention Schedule

New York, NY

6:00 PM Opening Prayer, led by the Rev. Jerry Falwell
6:30 PM Pledge of Allegiance
6:35 PM Burning of Bill of Rights (excluding 2nd amendment)
6:45 PM Salute to the Coalition of the Willing
6:46 PM Seminar #1: Getting your kid a military deferment
7:30 PM First Presidential Beer Bong
7:35 PM Serve Freedom Fries
7:40 PM EPA Address #1: Mercury, it's what's for dinner
8:00 PM Vote on which country to invade next
8:10 PM Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh
8:15 PM John Ashcroft Lecture: The Homos are after your children
8:30 PM Roundtable discussion on reproductive rights (MEN only)
8:50 PM Seminar #2: Corporations: the government of the future
9:00 PM Condi Rice sings "I Can't Help Lovin' Dat Man"
9:05 PM Second Presidential Beer Bong
9:10 PM EPA Address #2 Trees: the real cause of forest fires
9:30 PM Break for secret meetings
10:00 PM Second prayer, led by Cal Thomas
10:15 PM Lecture by Karl Rove: Doublespeak made easy
10:30 PM Rumsfeld demonstration: How to squint and talk macho
10:35 PM Bush demonstration of trademark deer-in-headlights stare
10:40 PM John Ashcroft demonstrates new mandatory Kevlar chastity belt
10:45 PM Clarence Thomas reads list of black Republicans
10:46 PM Third Presidential Beer Bong
10:50 PM Seminar #3: Education: a drain on our nation's economy
11:10 PM Hilary Clinton Pinata
11:20 PM Second John Ashcroft Lecture: Evolutionists: the dangerous new cult
11:30 PM Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh again
11:35 PM Blame Clinton
11:40 PM Laura serves milk and cookies
11:50 PM Closing Prayer, led by Jesus Himself
12:00 AM Nomination of George W. Bush as Holy Supreme Planetary Overlord

[lunarboy13]

24. You Might be a Repuke if...

You Might Be A Republican If...

You think "proletariat" is a type of cheese.

You've named your kids "Deduction one" and "Deduction two"

You've tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if people were just allowed to keep more of their minimum wage.

You've ever referred to someone as "my (insert racial or ethnic minority here) friend"

You've ever tried to prove Jesus was a capitalist and opposed to welfare.

You're a pro-lifer, but support the death penalty.

You think Huey Newton is a cookie.

The only union you support is the Baseball Players, because heck, they're richer than you.

You think you might remember laughing once as a kid.

You once broke loose at a party and removed your neck tie.

You call mall rent-a-cops "jack-booted thugs."

You've ever referred to the moral fiber of something.

You've ever uttered the phrase, "Why don't we just bomb the sons of bitches."

You've ever said, "I can't wait to get into business school."

You've ever called a secretary or waitress "Tootsie."

You answer to "The Man."

You don't think "The Simpsons" is all that funny, but you watch it because that Flanders fellow makes a lot of sense.

You fax the FBI a list of "Commies in my Neighborhood."

You don't let your kids watch Sesame Street because you accuse Bert and Ernie of "sexual deviance."

You scream "Dit-dit-ditto" while making love.

You've argued that art has a "moral foundation set in Western values."

When people say "Marx," you think "Groucho."

You've ever yelled, "Hey hippie, get a haircut."

You think Birkenstock was that radical rock concert in 1969.

You argue that you need 300 handguns, in case a bear ever attacks your home.

Vietnam makes a lot of sense to you.

You point to Hootie and the Blowfish as evidence of the end of racism in America.

You've ever said civil liberties, schmivil schmiberties.

You've ever said "Clean air? Looks clean to me."

You've ever called education a luxury.

You look down through a glass ceiling and chuckle.

You wonder if donations to the Pentagon are tax-deductable.

You came of age in the '60s and don't remember Bob Dylan.

You own a vehicle with an "Ollie North: American Hero" sticker.

You're afraid of the liberal media."

You ever based an argument on the phrase, "Well, tradition dictates...."

You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch "lives in a trash can because he is lazy and doesn't want to contribute to society."

You've ever urged someone to pull themselves up by their bootstraps, when they don't even have shoes.

You confuse Lenin with Lennon.

[KansDem]

25. An old standard dusted off and updated...

The day after his inauguration, a smug and cocky Bush wakes up and throws open the bedroom curtains in the White House and notices that someone has written “Impeach George” in the snow outside the window. He rushes outside for a closer look and sees that the message was written in urine. Angered by this discovery, he summons the heads of the FBI, CIA, and NSA. They arrive at the Oval Office for their meeting with the new president.

Bush demands, “I want to know who did this! I want a complete investigation!”

The agency heads dash off to do their investigations. A few hours later, they return to the Oval Office to present their findings to an anxious Bush. “Sir,” they say, “We concluded our investigations and have both good news and bad news to present you.”

“Good news and bad news?” mused Bush, “Well, give me the good news first.”

“Through analysis, we were able to identify the urine as that of Vice-President Dick Cheney.”

“Well,” muttered Bush, “That can be overlooked. He is, after all, running the country. What about the bad news?”

“Its Laura’s handwriting.”

[Art_from_Ark]

26. After spending yet another month-long vacation

at the Crawford "ranch", Bu$h returns to Washington. He gets out of Air Force One holding an animal of the porcine persuasion under his arm.

"Nice pig, sir!" shouts the honor guard.

"This ain't no pig, son," snorts Bu$h. "I'll have you know that this here animal is a genuine Texas razorback hog. I got it fer Donald Rumsfeld".

"Nice trade, sir!" shouts the honor guard.

[kath]

28. hubby sent me this one yesterday.

Question: How many neocons does it take to change a lightbulb?Answer: Clinton got a blow job.

[Minnesota_Lib]

29. Bush in Hell: a Play in One Act.

I posted this here a while back..under a different logon. Hopefully the repetition will not bore anyone. :D
________________________________________

George Bush has died and meets the devil at the gates of hell.

Satan: Sorry, sir, but we are full and have no room for you.

Bush: <fainting angisuh> Ah, shucks...I’ll just be moving on then.

Satan: Wait just a second! You are George W. Bush! Sorry, I didn’t recognize you. You have a standing reservation here so I have to accept you. I’ll just have to let someone go to make room for you. Tell you what--just to make it sporting--I’ll give you three choices and you can pick who you want to replace.

With that, Satan leads G.W. to a large pool of boiling oil. In the pool, George spies his old mentor Dick Cheney. Cheney is screaming in pain as he tries to pull himself up the slick, steep bank to safety; but his efforts are in vain as he just slips back into the bubbling cauldron.

Bush: <waving at Cheney> Heya, old buddy! <whispers to Satan> I’ll tell ya up front, I have never been any good at oil. I don’t think this is the business for me.

In a flash, G.W. finds himself in a large cavern. He looks on in horror as a platoon of undead warriors attack and hack a lone man to pieces. Then, to Bush’s amazement, the victim regenerates and comes back to life. George now recognizes the man as his friend Don Rumsfeld. Rumsfeld jumps up and runs for his life, but to no avail. The undead run him into a corner and once again hack him to pieces.

Bush: <loudly, over Rumsfeld’s agonizing screams> Satan, old buddy, I must admit I have never been much for fighting my own wars. I prefer that others fight and suffer in my stead, so maybe we should just pass on this one as well.

Bush’s eyes are immediately clouded over and he can’t see anything. Suddenly he hears soft music and slowly as the volume increases he recognizes the voice of Barry White singing a love ballad. As his vision clears a heavenly sight is revealed before him.

Bush finds himself in a plush, richly decorated room. In the center of the room is a bed of pillows of silk and satin. George is astounded to see that none other than Bill Clinton is lying naked, spread-eagle on the silky bed. Kneeling over Clinton is a vaguely familiar female, her brunette head bobbing up-and-down over the former president’s crouch in a never-ending executive “pleasuring.”

Bush: <trying vainly to stifle his excitement> Well, Satan, old friend, as much as this disgusts me, I have to pay for my crimes. <Bush hurriedly pulls off his pants> I am a moral man, but I will bravely face my fate. I accept this as my never-ending retribution.

Satan: You have made your choice, George W. Bush, and your eternal punishment is begins now.

With that, the devil turns and addresses the copulating couple.

Satan: OK, Monica, you are free to go.

[Walt Starr]

30. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA

That was GREAT!

[RedEarth]

31. Here is the classic Bush Campaign Song.....would love to update it

with the help of some duers. I would like to post a 'new and improved version" on a right wing site.

George Bush's new Campaign Song: Sing it to the tune of "If you're happy and you know it"

If you cannot find Osama, bomb Iraq. If the markets are a drama, bomb Iraq. If the terrorists are frisky, Pakistanis looking shifty, North Korea is too risky, Bomb Iraq

If we have no allies with us, bomb Iraq. If we think someone has dissed us, bomb Iraq. So to hell with the inspections, Let's look tough for the elections, CLOSE your mind and take directions, Bomb Iraq.

It's """pre-emptive non-aggression""", bomb Iraq. Let's prevent this mass destruction, bomb Iraq. They've got weapons we can't see, And that's good enough for me 'Cos it's all the proof I need Bomb Iraq.

If YOU NEVER WERE ELECTED, bomb Iraq. If your mood is quite dejected, bomb Iraq. If you think Saddam's gone mad, With the weapons that he had, (And he tried to kill your dad), Bomb Iraq.

If your corporate fraud is growin', bomb Iraq. If your ties to it are showin', bomb Iraq. If your politics are sleezy, And hiding that ain't easy, And your manhood's getting queasy, Bomb Iraq.

Fall in line and follow orders, bomb Iraq. For our might knows not our borders, bomb Iraq. Disagree? We'll call it treason, let's make war, not love this season, even if we have no reason, Bomb Iraq.

[maxrandb]

32. This makes freeptards heads explode

Just innocently ask some wing-nut:

q: What's the difference between * and Jane Fonda?
freeptard: I dunno
a: Jane Fonda WENT to Vietnam.

[lunarboy13]

33. Another one about repukes...

Things Republicans Believe

Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.

The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.

Government should relax regulation of Big Business and Big Money but crack down on individuals who use marijuana to relieve the pain of illness.

"Standing Tall for America" means firing your workers and moving their jobs to India.

A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.

Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.

The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.

Group sex and drug use are degenerate sins unless you someday run for governor of California as a Republican.

If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.

A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money.

HMOs and insurance companies have the interest of the public at heart.

Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.

Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.

Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.

A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense. A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.

Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.

The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's driving record is none of our business.

You support states' rights, which means Attorney General John Ashcroft can tell states what local voter initiatives they have a right to adopt.

What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.

Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.

[lunarboy13]

34. Things Repukes Believe...

Things Republicans Believe

Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.

The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.

Government should relax regulation of Big Business and Big Money but crack down on individuals who use marijuana to relieve the pain of illness.

"Standing Tall for America" means firing your workers and moving their jobs to India.

A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.

Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.

The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.

Group sex and drug use are degenerate sins unless you someday run for governor of California as a Republican.

If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.

A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money.

HMOs and insurance companies have the interest of the public at heart.

Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.

Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.

Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.

A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense. A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.

Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.

The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's driving record is none of our business.

You support states' rights, which means Attorney General John Ashcroft can tell states what local voter initiatives they have a right to adopt.

What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.

Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.

[catmandu57]

35. Updated chestnut

bush, cheney,rumsfeld, and rice walk into a bar, order straight shots of Jack down them and slam the empties on the table while shouting FORTY SEVEN DAYS.
They call the bartender over, order another round, down the shots slam the empties down on the table while shouting FORTY SEVEN DAYS.
This is repeated six times, when finally the bartender overcome with curiosity asks what they are celebrating.
Georgie* beaming with pride explains that they just finished a jig saw puzzle in only forty seven days.
The bartender says "so what's so special about that"?
Georgie* still beaming says ? On the box it said it would take three to five years".

[lunarboy13]

36. error in posting....I thought it didn't post the first time...

Things Republicans Believe

Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.

The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.

Government should relax regulation of Big Business and Big Money but crack down on individuals who use marijuana to relieve the pain of illness.

"Standing Tall for America" means firing your workers and moving their jobs to India.

A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.

Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.

The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.

Group sex and drug use are degenerate sins unless you someday run for governor of California as a Republican.

If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.

A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money.

HMOs and insurance companies have the interest of the public at heart.

Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.

Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.

Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.

A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense. A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.

Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.

The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's driving record is none of our business.

You support states' rights, which means Attorney General John Ashcroft can tell states what local voter initiatives they have a right to adopt.

What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.

Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.

[schultzee]

37. WOW! THANKS EVERYONE! ....APPRECIATE IT!

:)

[Unperson 309]

38. Here's another for you!

George Bush, Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld and Paul Wolfowitz are attending the Republican National Convention. As they stand on the observation platform at the top of the Empire State Building, a sudden, violent gust of wind collapses the floor and they all fall together toward the ground.

Who lands first?

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A. :shrug: Who cares? :bounce:

309