I'm married and just placed a personal to make friends--bash me anything.

[Ellen Forradalom]

Placed a personal mostly to expand my horizons, but wouldn't deny benefits to a good friend with the right chemistry. Feel free to assail me.

[mzmolly]

1. Is your spouse aware?

:shrug:

[Ellen Forradalom]

5. Nope

:shrug:

[MrSandman]

8. Step lightly...n/t

[Name removed]

28. Deleted message

Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[Ellen Forradalom]

29. Ah! I was waiting for that one.

No such thread would be complete with such a post. Thanks.

[mzmolly]

30. Your welcome.

Learn something from it.

Work on your marriage, or call an attorney.

[Ellen Forradalom]

32. Any time.

I didn't entitle it "Bash me anything" for nothing.

[mzmolly]

33. My guess is you know your in the wrong.

:hi:

[Ellen Forradalom]

41. Thanks for your opinion.

It will be taken under advisement.

[mzmolly]

47. So your pulling the ad, or calling an attorney?

;)

[Zomby Woof]

53. is it really any of your business??

Invited 'bashing' is one thing, but playing interventionist in someone's PERSONAL LIFE is another.

[mzmolly]

79. It is NOW that he/she posted their story.

:hi:

[jukes]

89. mzmolly

applying one's own moral code to another's actions is innapropriate, imho.

may be the jump start needed to affirm action.




FORRALDOM: hit activist events/protests. lots of like minded single guys w/real empathy there.

[mzmolly]

91. Piff! I am not applying MY moral code to anyone. I am asking her

what HER agreement is with her spouse. If they agree to have an open marriage ~ bravo!

As far as I'm concerned, t's a matter of being honest, and living with integrity and trust. Living a lie is not good for the liar, or the victim(s) of betrayal.

[rustydog]

87. Your as in is this your puppy? your car is cool

"So your pulling the ad..." is incorrect!
So you are (you're) pulling the ad.

not exactly earth-shattering, but incorrect spelling and puncuation is distracting.

[mzmolly]

92. What's "puncuation" ?

Sure is interesting to watch people with spelling and grammatical errors, attempt to correct MY spelling and grammar. :eyes:

Give it a rest.

If it's a burden, don't bother to correcting someones spelling/grammar.

[BiggJawn]

49. You EARNED it...

Schmuck!
Speaking as a twice-Cuckolded former husband...
I don't have any reason to really dislike you, but there's this part of me that hopes your "inner child" who likes to play with fire gets its fingers burnt but GOOD.

Get serious about your marriage, or do your spouse a favour and get out.

Rationalize your "right chemistry" bullshit anyway you like, but you're still a dishonest schmuck to me.

[Zomby Woof]

37. flames have more credibility

When apostrophes are used correctly.

[Cheswick2.0]

67. LOL

flames have more credibility When apostrophes are used correctly.

Flames also have more credibility when you start a sentence with a capital and don't capitalize "When" right in the middle of the sentence.

[Zomby Woof]

76. it was a continuation of the subject heading

But I am not surprised you came in here gunning for me, and sticking up for a fellow supporter of The Unchosen One. Yearrrrgh.

My little typing quirks are still superior to the illiterate misuse of the apostrophe.

Your little jab... is a miserable failure.

Now shoo... *swat*

[mzmolly]

81. Once again, you failed to start a sentence with a capital!

*tsk tsk* oh great swami of grammar.

Arrogance is more effective when your own shit doesn't reek to high hell Zombie Wolf.

Then again, where would you be without obnoxious double standards?

[jukes]

90. i rarely use caps

except to emphasize. style is everything.

i suspect that people that resort to correcting punction in a post, have no VALID riposte.



loox like you win, zedwoof!

[mzmolly]

80. HA!

:hi:

[mzmolly]

83. What?

is·n't ( P ) Pronunciation Key (znt)

Contraction of is not.

http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=isn%27t

I corrected a typo, is that a first here?

[physioex]

2. How bout a link to the ad...

:evilgrin:

[Ellen Forradalom]

6. in your dreams

[CanuckAmok]

3. Make friends, but don't cheat.

It's a simple distinction to make, and cheaters suck, IMO.

Loyalty is great. If you need to have a chat with your wife/husband because you're not connecting, you should do so...it's better than cheating.

[Ellen Forradalom]

9. I know you're having a rough time there, CanuckAmok

I myself have endured five or six years of neglect. I just need a decent conversation. I'm not trawling for sex but if the friendship wants to go there, we'll discuss it then.

[CanuckAmok]

10. I hear ya...

as an aside, my present troubles have nothing to do with cheating...it's just something I've always felt strongly about.

[Ellen Forradalom]

14. I used to feel strongly about it to

but cnsidering Mr. Forradalom's current state I would be almost relieved if he'd cheat because that would mean he were taking care of his own needs.

[smirkymonkey]

82. Just curious, why not divorce? It sounds like you aren't very

happy.

[Kipepeo]

45. check out this thread

on the increasing numbers of married women looking outside the relationship: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=113x10493

Interesting read. Your post made me remember it.

I don't judge you and certainly won't bash. I have my own boredom issues in my relationship...but I haven't gotten to that point yet. I think if I did I hope I'd just say something and get it out in the open. But we don't know what we'd do unless we're there.

[TrustingDog]

4. do you like pino coladas and walking in the rain? heh.

[Ellen Forradalom]

13. Don't drink and usually get out of the rain

since I do have, despite all appearances, some common sense

[CanuckAmok]

26. Hey...wait a second.....

...that chick in the ad...was his girlfriend! I get it now!! Damn, that's pretty clever.

[SarahB]

7. I wouldn't judge you.

I don't judge anyone anymore. Sometimes a person just needs that human contact with someone. If your spouse has their own agenda and doesn't care about your needs, it can be kind of hard. :( :hug:

I don't know if this applies here, but it did to me for a long time. It sucks royally to know how many years I personally wasted on someone who just don't understand who I even am and it sucks even worse trying to pull myself out of it now.

[Ellen Forradalom]

11. Thanks SarahBelle

I don't really know what is going on with Mr. Forradalom. He is not by any means a bad guy but he has been neglecting me socially and sexually since I got pregnant. We've tried talking about it many times. It's not my job to make him better, and I don't know what to do any more.

[Moonbeam_Starlight]

17. Hey forradalom

Take it from someone who has been there, done that.....please please step lightly.

Ignored by spouse for quite some time, plus personal ad (or person paying attention to you at work) equals recipe for disaster.

It took years to heal. That's all I'm saying.

[Ellen Forradalom]

18. I have someone online paying attention to me

It breaks my heart not to get those simple compliments at home.

[Moonbeam_Starlight]

21. Yep

I had someone at work who thought I was the best thing since sliced bread.

It was like handling explosives, that whole situation.

And it went off on me. It grieves me deeply.

I had to go to my husband and literally tell him to snap out of it or be divorced. He honestly didn't want to lose me, so we started the hard work of repair but not until after quite a bit of damage was done.....

[SarahB]

25. She is right though.

It is dangerous territory. Stop. Confront your problems head on. Now. Call a counselor Monday. I may have had a chance in mine 5 years ago if I did, but it's too late now. I emotionally withdrew and feel nothing now and it's very hard trying to get out with the practicalities involved.
I do understand. Believe me I do and I still wouldn't judge, but take care of the homefront and then decide after giving it a chance. :hug:

[fortyfeetunder]

58. If you are pg, you can make new friends...

Can you take some prenatal exercise classes, you will be among women who are going through the same things you are (that is being pg). And your baby will have playmates.

I took a water aerobics class when I was pg; the hospital had a therapy tub (kept at a comfortable 96 degrees) and after class we pg moms would be basking in the tubs before going home. And I still have friends I made in that class.

There are also support groups for pg women you should ask your health care advisor. I wish you well and you'll do OK...

[Radical Activist]

12. This makes me never want to get married n/t

[Ellen Forradalom]

16. You never know how it will turn out

But stay mentally, emotionally and, most of all, physically involved with your beloved and it won't come to this.

[Moonbeam_Starlight]

19. I'm assuming

you have reached out in many different ways?

I was an ignored spouse for years. I could have stood in the living room naked, on fire, and announcing that I was going to go hit a crack pipe and he wouldn't have grunted (unless I was in front of the TV).

It led to disaster. We have healed nicely, thank goodness. That was years ago. But it was damn hard and every time I think about that time, I deeply regret it.

It seems very innocent now, indeed it does. Told myself the same things.

[Ellen Forradalom]

20. How could the situation have been avoided, then?

I don't see another way out of the situation you describe. What would you have done differently?

[Moonbeam_Starlight]

22. I would have

NOT done what I did. It didn't help anything, it only made things worse. I had no intention of leaving my husband at that time, I was just starved for attention and he was there and...

But now I have to live with it forever.

He doesn't know about it to this day.

But he suspected.

And we had to heal. Lots of counseling and lots of hard work on both our parts. Like I said, it took a few years. We are better now than we EVER have been. But damn I wouldn't go through that again for anything.

[Radical Activist]

27. It scares me to think

that I could be married to someone who cheats on me instead of just telling me that I'm ignoring her or that she feels unfulfilled for some reason. And I could never know about it. I'm attentive and caring enough, but I've had girlfriends cheat on me. If I end up with someone who doesn't vocalize her concerns how am I supposed to keep something like that from happening?

[Ellen Forradalom]

31. Actually....

I have told him in the plainest possible language that he is neglecting me, that he needs to mind his own happiness, that he tells me very little about what's going on with him, that I have been concerned about where all this leading, whether to the big D or to affairs. Whether we see some action from him on his end of the issues, we'll see.

[Radical Activist]

50. Then maybe

I'll be able to avoid that fate. I wasn't making assumptions about you. Just stating my own fears.

[Moonbeam_Starlight]

39. Huh-uh.

Nope. I said something. MANY MANY times. Ask the op, too. I bet she's said stuff to her spouse, too.

The difference is whether you will HEAR your spouse or not. I told mine many times I felt neglected, ignored. I asked him countless times what the hell was wrong, what was going on.

I didn't get an answer. And then bad stuff happened, unfortunately.

[Maddy McCall]

52. It it is so bad, why don't you end the marriage?

It isn't like you are trapped, is it?

[Ellen Forradalom]

54. It's on the table

[Maddy McCall]

57. I am not trying to be judgmental...

Please take care of yourself. :-)

[AlCzervik]

15. you're an adult and being married doesnt mean you can't have

friends of the opposite sex.

[physioex]

23. Chimp...

You forget what always gets in between, SEX. So I believe that as far as I can throw Chimp...

[AlCzervik]

24. I have male friends and i'm married

and have no desire to have sex with them.

[physioex]

38. I don't think you and her are looking at it in the same context...eom

[Nikia]

34. I agree

I have a good relationship with a man who is not my husband. He is like my brother. It is good to have friends, just because they are of the sex that you are attracted to doesn't mean that the relationship has to be sexual at all. I think that non sexual friendships with members of the opposite sex are great for promoting empathy and equality between the sexes. Spouses can't be everything for each other emotionally, which is why we need friends. Gender shouldn't matter.
If you don't want to cheat on your spouse, then don't. Make that clear to your potential friends too from the beginning.

[cally]

35. You have to make a choice

Either your trying to work it out in your marriage or your not. You cannot post a personal ad and think you are still working on your marriage. Make a choice and let your husband know.

It's what you would want also.

[Zomby Woof]

36. well...

Life is a bowl of cherries.

[Ellen Forradalom]

40. And ain't it the pits?

[SarahB]

42. You beat me to it.

So sweet and so painful all wrapped into one sometimes. :(

[Dookus]

43. The worst, most searing pain

in my life was when my ex cheated on me and left me for somebody else.

Your husband doesn't deserve that. End the marriage, THEN look around.

[BigMcLargehuge]

46. you said it far better and with far fewer swears than I could have

That was the worst pain ever for me as well. We managed to repair thing because I didn't fly off the handle, and she realized she wanted to be with me. But the scars run FUCKING deep and sometimes they still bleed, and burn, and ooze.

As for Forradalom, I don't know your situation, and I won't offer any advice. But being on the receiving end of someone trying to live Madame Fucking Bovary was horrible. And no one deserves that kind of pain.

[SemiCharmedQuark]

102. Agreed

Being cheated on was the most horrific and scarring experience of my life. It hurts so much, it's physically painful to think about. When he cheated on me, it started out, I think, because we had a good relationship but he was "bored". He met someone he thought was exciting and even though she KNEW he was taken, she pursued the relationship and he did as well. I know your intentions are just friends, but these things tend to get sticky. Nobody deserves to be cheated on. It's a pain that lasts forever.

[Nikia]

44. On reading your post again

You mean that you are placing an add to hook up with someone or to meet alternative potential partners. That is differnt than friendship. It isn't being a friend to drag someone into having an affair, deal with your undecided feelings about where you want the relationship to go with your husband and the "friend", and deal with your husband when all this comes to light. You need to decide ahead of time what you want this to be. This is only fair to you, your husband, and your potential "friend".

[daligirrl]

48. Just friends?

No "short term fun"?

[Maddy McCall]

51. Your post has more cliches than a Bush press conference...

I am too much of a believer in Karma to treat a spouse the way you are considering treating your husband. Just when you think your world is perfect, this will come back to greet you.

[Ellen Forradalom]

55. Oh now that's not actually possible!

Plus, my post was grammatically correct! For the most part!

[Maddy McCall]

59. I don't know what you are going through, so, as Ali G says,

I am going to check myself before I wreck myself. :-)

I have made decisions that preserved my sanity that no one else understood. Like I said above, take care of yourself.

[Ellen Forradalom]

56. Wow! Now I know how to get a conversation started on DU!

I should contemplate possible future immorality more often.

[Maddy McCall]

60. LOL!

[MrSandman]

61. Good luck in finding your answers...

the rest of the stuff I typed was so inane. I truly do wish you the best.

[REP]

62. Reason 9,654

Not to get pregnant!

Was this pregnancy all your idea, or did you and your husband discuss and plan it?

Pregnant, and thinking of starting an affair. Gee, guess motherhood doesn't improve one, after all ...

[SarahB]

65. She's not pregnant.

If I'm correct here (I'll butt in a little), she has a 4 or 5 year old. That means that whatever problems there are that she has been trying to work on with her husband, have been going on for some time.

[Ellen Forradalom]

69. nope not pg

I wouldn't gild the lily like that!

[REP]

100. Point Still Holds

forradalom (1000+ posts)
Fri Aug-06-04 08:58 PM
Response to Reply #7

11. Thanks SarahBelle
I don't really know what is going on with Mr. Forradalom. He is not by any means a bad guy but he has been neglecting me socially and sexually since I got pregnant. We've tried talking about it many times. It's not my job to make him better, and I don't know what to do any more.


Still a terrific reason to avoid pregnancy; still shows motherhood does not make one a better person.

[MichaelHarris]

63. I would never judge anyone

Being a man who lost a wife because she was "cheating" its important to remember more than one person gets hurt. I would think deception is the wrong answer, be open, talk to your husband. If that doesn't work tell him about the other, its always a weight off one's shoulders when the truth is involved. Don't let what happened to me be the answer. A note on the door in the middle of the night is not the answer.

With all that being said if you continue the relationship and send this guy pictures remember to make sure the bottom of your feet are clean and all the kids toys are put up, nothing less erotic than a cutie with a BigWheel in the background. Also an old dirty bed sheet does not make a good backdrop.

[jukes]

64. sure got the moralists going!

good job, E/F!


marriage is a control mechanism devised by men to repress women. judging other's on your own moral code is hardly "liberal".

besides, i think you're just jerking off the straights!

on the other hand, neglect is more abusive than infidelity. if he isn't traeating you as if you're married, then you're not.
this i know...

cold in chi?

[Deja Q]

66. As long as any reader understands the fact, then it's okay.

Don't lead them on or let them lead themselves on.

Good luck.

[Cheswick2.0]

68. ?

Why did you post this thread and then get mad when people gave you the response you expected?

Cheating is never the right thing to do. Figure out the problems in your marriage or get divorced. Don't use the excuse that the marriage is without love or connection. Don't you know that almost every single person who ever cheated has used that lame excuse?

I know how sad and lonely you can feel in a marriage. But you are contemplating something that will make it worse.

[Ellen Forradalom]

70. Why do you think I got mad?

It can be difficult to infer tone online, true.

[XNASA]

71. I don't think it's any different than the dozens of times.............

I've placed ads or even pinned up flyers in bars that read:

Guitarist/keyboardist/vocalist looking for fun band.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

72. i had done this with my gf's permission before.

but i was really just looking for more friends...

[IronLionZion]

73. you and your goddamn counter revolutionary tactics

You're name means counter revolution in hungarian right?

um, are you angry at the world or your marriage or your own life? Do you have a good handbasket? This kind of self destructive behavior will send you straight to hell. Try counseling.

actually, I'm joking so no offense. :hi:

I don't normally like to bust up marriages and ruin lives but if you need a male friend with benefits, I'm here for you hon! :evilgrin:

[Name removed]

74. Deleted message

Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[GOPisEvil]

75. I'm not the Acme Judgement Co.

My only advice is to tread lightly, first meetings in a public places, and consider everything before making decisions that have effects beyond you.

I wish you good luck.

[Zomby Woof]

77. I want to laugh like Ross Perot

But I can't tell you why! :D

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

78. Actually, you don't know what you'll do until someone responds to the ad

I'd venture to guess the alienation in your relationship just made you want to feel wanted and made you wish someone took an interest in you. You never know if just receiving the responses will make you satisfied i.e. feel desired.

Anyway...this is your relationship to work out, not mine. Good Luck.

[Ellen Forradalom]

86. We have a winner

I think this is closest to what I'm wanting. That someone out there will look twice at me.

[Nikia]

84. Are you afraid of being alone?

You are in the security of marriage, even though you say it is unhappy. You don't seem to want to leave your marriage until you are certain that you have found a new partner. In doing that, you won't have to be alone . A number of people do that. Is that really a mature thing to do though? If your marriage is really failed, shouldn't you spend some time examining what you want, as an indivdual, out of life as opposed to half of a partnership?
I don't mean to be harsh, but I've seen people do this. Often they are no happier in their new relationship after the initial passion has died down because they haven't examined themselves.

[AlanAdam]

85. Secrecy/dishonesty usually leads to something bad

I remember an elderly woman who described her life growing up in Eastern Europe prior to a during World War II. Her whole family was killed in a bomb attack during the war, and she herself, though not Jewish, was put in a Nazi concentration camp. She spent close to an hour talking about the horrors she experienced. She concluded her talk with a 30 second observation that shocked me. Someone asked her what was the most painful single event she experienced in her life. She replied that, after the war she made her way to the US and got married. One day, after 20 years of marriage, her husband came home one day, said he loved someone else, and was leaving her. She had no clue this was happening. It was the only point in her hour-long talk that she cried. No, be honest with him, regardless of where it will lead.

[flamingyouth]

88. I spent way too many years in a very unhappy marriage

I wish you the best, however it turns out.:hug:

[Dogmudgeon]

93. Is it getting hot in here, or is it just me?

I got halfway through before I realized it was a thread about extramartial sex, and not spelling and grammur.

--bkl

[Ellen Forradalom]

94. Oh, ZombyWoof's just being a thread-jacking asshole again

You know folks, there's a lot of hurdles to clear before anything happens, and, being the chicken I am, I doubt I'll clear half of them. If I can get a couple of compliments and maybe a conversation or two, I'll be happy.

[Zomby Woof]

95. grammar

[SarahB]

96. LOL!

:yourock: :D

[Zomby Woof]

97. Back at you!

:loveya:

[Ellen Forradalom]

98. You'll notice I used the correct word "compliments," not "complements"

I always escape the wrath of ZombyWoof.

[Zomby Woof]

99. I can pretend to be wrathful

I attack cherry juice with great wrath.

Actually, people usually use "compliments" correctly, it's when they should use "complements", they fall back on the former.

Ahhhhh....threadjacking..... sweet sweet threadjacking....

[CanuckAmok]

101. I thought grape was the appropriate juice of wrath.

Speaking of grape juice, I prefer pineapple juice.

Pineapples are pretty weird looking.

You know what else is kind of weird? The flamingo. Did you know it's not naturally pink? They turn pink as a result of their diet.

I was thinking about going on a diet, but then I thought "no, I don't need to lose any more weight".

"The Wait", by the Pretenders, is a great example of New Wave pop.

"Pop" reminds me that it's time to pick up some grape juice on the way home.

[never cry wolf]

103. I have done this too

For much the same reason. My marriage is over in every way except for legally. I stay in it for the kids, but when they are grown, I am out. Still, for now, it is very lonely, not having someone to confide in, flirt a bit with, lend a dry shoulder when needed.

I do think it is cause and effect, but NOT "seeking other companionship" = "harming marriage". Rather, in my case anyway, "horrible marriage" = "seeking other companionship".

I sympathize with you and wish you the best of luck!

(hey, I see you are a female from Chicago, wanna go grab a cup o joe?)