What's your opinion of long-distance relationships?

[prolesunited]

I know there are a ton of variables and it all comes down to the people invovled, but in general, what is your take on them?

Have you ever been in one? How long? How often did you see one another? How did you maintain the connection? What was the outcome?

Do you think they make a partnership stronger because it takes a lot of work to maintain the connection over the miles or does it weaken it because you never spend any real time together?

[brainshrub]

1. Waste.of.time

[prolesunited]

5. Care to offer

any more of an explanation?

[EstimatedProphet]

2. I'm in one right now

They aren't easy, but like any relationship, they are worth it if the person is the right one.

[reprehensor]

15. Hear, hear!

--{{pounds on desk}}--

[prolesunited]

28. I'm in agreement with you

Doesn't seem like many here have had such a good experience as us.

[amber dog democrat]

3. steer clear - you are standing into shoal waters...

Huge phone bills,
travel expense
major distraction
what partnership ?
lots of false expectations.
in the end, just glad to jetison the whole thing.
Never do it again.

[John Q. Citizen]

4. in Mexico they have a saying

Amor de lejos es amor de pendejos, which means long distance love is the love of jerks

[amber dog democrat]

6. Count me in

TWICE for that one.

[prolesunited]

9. Well, what happened

that made it go so terribly wrong?

[prolesunited]

7. Only jerks are involved in one?

:shrug:

[amber dog democrat]

27. It has more to do with me

but an LDR is still elusive and challenging at best. I wish you every success with yours. Besides you don't need to know my gorey details.

[prolesunited]

29. I agree with the challenging part

But more so that we can't be together just yet than any major issues. Sorry yours didn't work out. Thanks for the good wishes.

[amber dog democrat]

36. thanks. I really do wish you the best for yours.

Honestly I believe I am better off. If the other person was half as flakey as i was then we'd be doomed anyway. God knows what we might have devolved into. Just promise yourself you will be honest in all regards..... and best of luck to you.

[otohara]

8. Don't Work - kinda fun

fun for phone sex and looking forward to visits -

[prolesunited]

10. Didn't work for you?

You don't think they work for anyone? What if it's only temporary?

[otohara]

12. well, if it's only temporary

no expectations - no holding out for something to become permanent, then go for it...

[prolesunited]

16. I guess I wasn't clear

The relationship isn't temporary, the distance is.

[otohara]

21. That Term - Distance Makes The Heart Grow Fonder

doesn't hold up forever....have fun with it, but unless you or the SO is willing at some point to move and try it out for REAL...then what?

[prolesunited]

30. He is moving

He volunteered, just not for a few more months. :-(

[salin]

11. Been in several

none worked out - but each lasted more than a year (some longer). In one way they were great - the time together was short and made the "romance" period of relationships last longer. But due to the dynamics - even those that were clearly not going to work out (ah, the benefit of hindsight) could last a great deal longer - there is just something about distance - even if one is in daily contact - that allows things to progress beyond the 'warning signs' that one would get if one is living in the same community. Then again, I know others for whom the relationship eventually resulted in a move to the same location, and a very positive long-term lasting relationship.

[prolesunited]

31. We've spent enough time together IRL

to have seen the warning signs and both been through enough bad relationships to know this is different and right. Hopefully, you'll be adding us to your latter category.

[salin]

45. I would be thrilled to be able to do that

:hi: :hug:

[Habibi]

13. Well. forgive me for stating the obvious

But really, if you want to be together in the long term, you'll find a way to do it. You move there. He moves here. Whatever. Eventually, you'll have to decide that, I think.

Once I fell in love, I needed to be with my love. So we only had a few months, perhaps a little over a year, in which to expore what you're suggesting.

[prolesunited]

32. We have decided

and are working on it.

Are you still with that person?

[Habibi]

57. Yup

and I'm marrying him in 2 weeks.

Good luck!

:hi:

[reprehensor]

14. Married mine.

Really depends. Lots of variables. If you are very young and have not had a lot of relationships, be cautious.

Conversely, experience can dictate a lot, and when you have found someone that just makes you know you have found THE ONE, then no deprivation is too much, and absence can make the heart go fonder, it's true, I tell you. ;)

I'm happily married, my long distance relationship worked out great, but you both have to be brutally honest with each other, because you don't have that day-to-day physical thing going on.

Supportive friends mean a lot. You will find out who your friends really are if you commit to the relationship.

And that's enough gut-spillin' on a public forum. PM for more, if ya want more gory detail.

[prolesunited]

33. Not young, not looking

and pretty much had written men off. Not bitter, just couldn't be bothered. But, BAM, there he was and we had an immediate connection unlike anything I've ever experienced. And, yeah, it is THE ONE, for both of us, thankfully.

And that's enough gut-spilling for me. ;-) I appreciate you sharing your story.

[2Design]

17. It is the syndrome of the emotionally or physcially unavailable

There is no way to form an intimate bond. Might work if you had one to start with and some foundation under you.

But they are fun. Exciting. Seems unreal. Fantasy. Because they are. You have some where to travel and yet have your own life. So you don't have someone making demands on you all the time. Yet you have something to look forward to.

It is the hyperness of your teen years and all the curiousity and fantasy of the adventure...

So if you just want to have fun for a while, get your heart broke, and move on. They are great.

[prolesunited]

34. I don't agree with your assessment

I'm not saying that doesn't happen, just that it doesn't necessarily have to be that way. And it certainly isn't with us.

[madrchsod]

18. had one in high school

the girl moved away while we were going out . she and i wrote passionate letters every couple of weeks and phoned once a month for a year..but distance killed off the relation which at least for me was very sad...

[prolesunited]

35. Well, as you know

I'm well beyond high school. ;-)

To be honest, I can't think of a single man from my past that I could even consider or see myself being with today.

[NightTrain]

19. I guess the best adjective is "frustrating."

I'm in a long-distance relationship with a fellow DUer. It's been going on for months now, but we haven't actually met! We've tried on more than one occasion to get together, but obstacles have kept popping up. We are, however, bound and determined to see if things'll work out, so wish us luck!

[prolesunited]

37. Well, we have spent plenty (well, less than I would like) of time

together IRL, so I'm very sure of my feelings.

You really just need to make a decision, obstacles be damned, and make it happen. You'll never know for sure until you spend some time together. Best of luck.

[HamHocks4Kerry]

20. Can work, but don't expect monogamy.

[prolesunited]

26. Why is that?

Especially if it is something that you both agreed to?

[BiggJawn]

22. My current one started out that way...

Hey, it wasn't always stress-ridden and hormone deficient! :-)

Lived 70 miles apart, spent alternating weekends together (I'd drive one week, she'd drive the next)
After about 4 months, we each started looking for work in each other's city. Both got job offers the same day, mine was the better career move, so "we loaded up the truck...."

At that time, I had a co-worker who we used to joke that "Annie's pupils don't dialate unless the guy lives at least 1/2 a tank of gas away"...Everybody has dating "rules". hers was "Don't date in the same area code or time zone." I think it made it easier for her to dump 'em when she got bored.

some people do it for years, some people get worn down by the travel.

I think you need to have a talk and get to the bottom of what's keeping things at a distance. Careers are portable, y'know.

[whistle]

23. How far away are you from each other? That determines the...

...number of times you have to be together as well as the costs of coming together and so on. I found a 100 mile relationship draining because we both expected to be together at least several times a week. So one or the other of us was making that journey repeatedly wek after week. Another, was 300 miles. It was okay, but I felt too detached at times and found that the lady was not able to empathize with my needs, not that I have a pathology, but hey, once in a while show some caring. Still another relationship I was in for about six months was with a lady 2,000 miles away. We talked daily or chatted on IM, but the circumstances just did not provide enough opportunities for us to be together and to get to know one another. I'm working on one now that is in my neighborhood, three doors down from me. Walking distance has a certain appeal to me at the moment.

I do believe that relationships require openness, honesty, vulnerability, compromise and willingness on the part of both persons. Also friendship takes personal and physical contact. That's when change occurs, learning, growth, nice things happen. For me great physical distances between people allow us to escape back to our safe places unchanged, unharmed, but tragically unfulfilled as well. If I feel that I am going to have to make a journey to find the love of my life, then it will be one with that specific objective in mind and I'll set that as my goal and not return until I find that true love, or discover that she was not somewhere afar afterall. Uzbekistan sounds like it might offer some possibilities.

Good luck with your situation, give it shot, take the risk, who knows, you could be in for a great journey.

[libhill]

24. Just depends -

On how emotionally connected the two of you are.

[fortyfeetunder]

25. Several.

1) We were dating other people all along, this went on for about nine years, when I met Mr. Fortyfeetunder. We were mostly pen pals.
2) This one I was dating along with #1. There were issues that were past the long distance aspect. We grew apart when it became apparent I was not moving back to the hometown.
3) Mr. Fortyfeetunder, first it was across the state, then across the city, then across the...you get the picture.

The lesson
I would never do another LDR again. It's a different kind of intensity that I couldn't deal with. Also learned absence does not make the heart grow fonder....

[Rabrrrrrr]

38. I'm in one, but it was a number of years of close-distance relationship

first.

While it's sometimes frustrating, there's really nothing more or less viable about a long-distance relationship than a close one.

It all depends on the maturity and commitment of the people involved. if it breaks up a long distance, it would likely have broken up at a short distance.

We're having a swell time being apart (said somewhat sarcastically, but phone calls are cheap and often, there's email, live internet chat, and the regular mail).

I don't think I could ever *begin* a relationship at a long distance, but for people who need to be apart for a few years, if they're both stable and willing, there won't be any major problems - no more so than they'd have if they were still in the same house.

There are lots of issues of annoyance for people who living together, as well. It's just that we never talk about those as the failure of "close-distance relationships". So the only relationship that's ever talked about with "distance" in the name is "long distance", and then, usually only when they don't work.

Anyone who says "Don't do it!!" is just pissing nonsensicalness. If you are looking to be apart from someone for a long time, and if you love 'em, no reason you can't give a long distance relationship a try.

I know of many people who have kept viable, strong relationships together at a distance - whether due to work, military, or other life circumstances. Hell, some healthy relationships even survive one spouse hanging out in prison for a while.

[prolesunited]

39. Thanks for your perspective and insight

I'm not contemplating it. I have been in one for months, and although it's hard being apart, we haven't had any real problems and have talked through a lot of things and arrived at some basic understandings.

We did meet in IRL before it progressed to a friendship and then a relationship, although it all does seem to be happening quickly. Neither of us are kids, though, and have plenty of relationship experience behind us, so it's been fairly easy to discern just how right this is.

BTW, neither of us is in prison. ;-)

[SarahB]

40. My opinion...

I have a lot of relationship experience under my belt, some good, a lot not-so-good.

First choice in a relationship:
1. close geographically and it's a good one :D

Followed by:
2. Not so close geographically, but there's enough there that it could work, if there was some kind of understanding that made it comfortable for both- i.e. whether it was open or exclusive and if it were open, to what level- casual dating, sex? They took turns with visiting and perhaps both knew if it did work that after a certain amount of time, moving would at least be considered. I could envision there being certain times in people lives that it could be almost easier than one when the distance isn't far. Most of all, be open andcommunicate well so you always know where the other stands.

3. Being alone.

And the worst:
4. Being in a relationship that is close geographically, but royally sucks dog poop 99.99% of the time.

It's not perfect, but it's possible and doable IMHO depending on the maturity levels of the individuals involved. However, some folks just need more immediate gratification, so it might not be possible for all, but others, it could. It depends on the individuals.

[HEyHEY]

41. proles-lots of relationship questions lately

So, who's the new squeeze?

[prolesunited]

42. Wow!

Are you like the last to know? ;-)

And it's not so new. It's been going on for months.

[Blue-Jay]

44. Hee hee hee!

<glances around shifty-eyed>

[BiggJawn]

59. And I thought I was the densest one here!

But I know better, don't I? :-)

[Lydia Leftcoast]

43. I was in one for a year during graduate school

I moved to a different town to take a temporary job, and he transferred into a new department. (We had met while we were in the same department.)

Although I came back nearly every other week, he was now in a department where no one knew me, and therefore, the women had no qualms about going after him--which they did with a vengeance.

From his point of view, the relationship was not strong enough to last through the separation or resist the temptation. He broke up with me soon after I moved back to town.

On the other hand, I know of long-distance relationships that have worked, including one that lasted for two years while one person was teaching English overseas.

In the end, I think it's the deep-down strength and commitment of the relationship that makes the difference.

[GOPisEvil]

46. Distance is to love as wind is to the flame:

it extinguishes the weak, and feeds the strong.

That's a paraphrase of some famous quote.

[Name removed]

47. Deleted message

Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[shrike]

48. Mine ended with marriage

Of course, we weren't that far apart -- a couple of hours. We married after dating about a year, and we did the alternating weekend thing.

[TroubleMan]

49. Been in a few...none of them were worth it.

A bush in the hand is worth more than one a thousand miles away.

However, to be fair, I'm not set up well for long distance relationships. I can't be celibate that long.

It works for some people.

[onebigbadwulf]

50. Worst idea EVER

Long distance relationships are a bad idea always! ALWAYS!

waste of time
waste of money
waste of trust
waste of heartache
waste of longing


just go on a break until you can be together again!!! How difficult is this concept people?!

Even if you succeed in maintaining the struggling relationship, waiting months or years in agony from distance... how are you any different than if you had broken up and gotten back together?

[haele]

51. Depends - just like short distance relationships...

I've married my long-distance relationship, but we started out as friends with mutual hobbies and similar opinions first off. I think it also helped that we were both ex-military and used to the idea of "deployment" and had seen what works and what doesn't work in relationships where there is a stretch of time where the partners are apart.

Honesty and clear communication (even if it isn't often, it's got to be clear and focused) is really the big key in long distance, long term relationships; both parties really need to understand that it's better to practice honesty to your partner and honesty to yourself. Don't allow either to use the excuse "oh, s/he's not here, so it won't hurt" to do something you wouldn't normally do in a regular relationship. When there's problems, if the other partner will be affected by them, then s/he'd best have some heads up that there's an issue that might be affecting the relationship - especially finances.
Of course, this advice works if the other partner in the relationship lives down the street, too... :)

Both partners really need to keep an eye on the long haul for a long-distance relationship to last.
Otherwise, it's nothing more a long-distance "one night stand". Which isn't bad in it's own right (hey, some people need lots of practice - or test drives - before they can settle down to one of several styles of social relationships), if one doens't really want a long-term relationship - but if you and your partner have been discussing the "m" word (or any of it's varients), it's best for both parties to be prepared to do the little extra work to keep focus on the relationship on a daily basis, whether or not there's the ability to have regular communication.

Just my two bits (a bit more than a couple cents, but hey - it's sunday and I'm fighting off the remnants of a nasty ear infection.)

Haele

[Nikia]

52. In your case it will probably be alright

Especially if he will be moving to your area in a few months. For younger people, like higher schoolers going off to college in different states, it usuaully doesn't work. Many people prefer to be with people who are with them. These relationships end with "I found someone else." Since it is temporary, you are older, and both know what you want, it should be alright.

[flamingyouth]

53. I think they can indeed work out

I married my late husband after a long-distance relationship (none of the ensuing bad stuff had anything to do with our distance, I'm certain). It takes a lot of patience, waiting, money (for phone calls and travel...) and anticipation. I look at it like if it's meant to be, it will work out. I know that's a total cliche and I apologize for using it, but I believe it. And I have a good feeling about you two - you're good folk.:)

[Fenris]

55. I agree.

;)

[prolesunited]

58. Thank you for your good wishes

I do believe it is meant to be.

[Susang]

54. My sister's marrying her's

They lived apart for about a year while he was doing his internship in Seattle and she had to finish grad school in Chicago. It sucked, they hated it , and the adjustment time when he moved back was difficult, but they've been together two years after the fact, so it can be done successfully. :-)

[flamingyouth]

56. That's awesome, Susan!

Congrats to them! :toast:

[Obamarama]

60. Best thing about my LD relationship was the frequent flier miles....

It was great at first, but it ended up not working out. We kept it going longer than it should have. Racked up lots of FF miles and HUGE phone bills - this was 16 years ago before online messaging and nationwide long-distance wireless plans!

Actually, I think if those things HAD been around it would have been easier to maintain contact and it might have worked out.

[DebJ]

61. I started one two years ago; we were 90 minutes away...does

that count as long distance? I was a restaurant manager, so always had to work weekends and holidays. He was a teacher; got a lot of days off. So I would stay up at his place on weekdays and see him in the evenings, and he would come to my place on the weekends. So actually, we spent most days together at least in part.
After a year, I moved out of state to live with him. Gave up a $50k a year job...big risk at my age and negative net worth.
But we got married last month. It's been a fairy tale.

[Bake]

62. I'm in one right now -- the relationship is great, the distance sucks

The distance sucks monkey balls (saw that in here earlier and it's my new expression du jour!!).

I took a job in another state and my wife of 20+ years is still home until we get the house sold, etc.

We talk on the phone frequently -- thank goodness for no-long-distance cellular!!

It's too far to drive, so I've got some frequent flyer miles racking up.

Bottom line, we're both committed to each other (like I said, 20+ years!), and we know it's only temporary. But it's making us both nuts.

Bake

[SOteric]

63. I've seen them work out brilliantly and last

to this day, and I've seen them fail miserably in a short period of time.

It really does boil down to the people involved.

And it's nice to realise that internet telephony, calling cards and off-season travel can keep quite the lid on expenses to feed the fire.

I wish you all the best. I know it's possible for long distance relationships to add a level of emotional closeness and intensity that physical/hormonal interactions easily obscure and sometimes don't offer.

[sundog]

64. They. Suck.

--

[Pale Blue Dot]

65. Love is love is love.

If it's really love it will last. I think yours will last. Best of luck to both of you!

[pmbryant]

66. Much, much good can come of them

But I think you're already familiar with the outlines of my story.

Good luck! And a few more months is nothing. We survived through more than six years on opposite ends of the continent.

:-)

--Peter

[MaineDem]

67. I think a LDR is different now with the internet

I was in one well before cyber-connections.

We dated for a year - every weekend. One of us drove to the other. We talked on the phone every day at least once. We got married.

Next week is our 30th anniversary.

Do they work? Some do, some don't.

[terrya]

68. Ours is still working...after 5 years and counting.

I live in Chicago...my love Doug lives in Toronto. We see each other once a month and we both have huge long distance bills.

It does take some work...and I miss him so damned much some times it hurts. But, boy oh boy...is Doug worth it. The big hurdle about us getting together is my moving to Canada and finding a job.

[canuckybee]

69. I was in a very successful one

We lived an eight hour drive apart, in different countries. And, yes, the phone bills were enormous. For over a year we managed to be together twice a month. Eventually we married, and are now living happily ever after.

Does this mean it can work for everyone? Obviously not. We were older, more settled about who we were, and what we wanted. There are so many "wrong" matches out there, and even more " close enough" ones. If you find the right one, and are willing to make the effort, the results can be spectacularly good.

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

70. A couple once asked me to officiate their wedding

Since the real wedding had already taken place and they wanted to recreate the ceremony for guests in America. She was from Czechoslovakia, he was from Southern California. They corresponded across ten thousand miles for three years, visiting and spending time while they could until they could get her back here...it changed my impression of LDR's.

While it is inconvenient in many respects, if two people really do get that they are the ones that complement each other's lives...it can work...it really depends on the commitment of the people involved.

:-)