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Had a fight with my mother this morning. To be fair, its been a continuous, ongoing fight, and it really isn't her fault.
Its killing me.
I love her so much, but I am so MAD at her. I have been dealing with "old trauma" from my childhood, and every time I think I am "done now" it comes up and slaps me in the face.
She's apologized already. I've accepted it. Things were rotten and stuff happened that shouldn't have, and she's sorry she was a "bad mother" and its just not good enough.
I feel HAPPIER when I'm not dealing with my family, so then I think everything is fine again, and BAM! Smacked in the face with the reality of the rottenness of some of my relatives.
The most unpleasant part was dealing with how I'd been lying to myself so I could maintain relationships with these people. I always mentally explained away their horrible behavior, and just did everything I could do so I didn't have to see how my mother was contributing to the problems. The big question is "why can't I just get along?" which translates to "let's go back to pretending everything is fine, while we continue to treat you badly because you'll forgive us, just like you always do, and nothing has to change because WE are all fine."
I miscarried my third pregnancy three months ago, and am hitting an "anniversary" date for my first pregnancy loss three years ago. We've been trying for almost six years. Instead of receiving support during any of this, I'm still coping with the repercussions of fighting a full fledged battle with half the relatives over coping with a beloved teenage niece's heroin addiction. (Her mother/my step-sister passed away at the end of December, her biological father has been dead from heroin for years, and her common-law step-father is an active alcoholic.) After she totaled out a car on I-75 by rolling it a few times, my niece ended up in rehab, then publicly relapsed at Easter dinner two weeks later. My husband and I missed that little episode, but I caught the instant replay a couple of weeks later. Less than ten days later my father bought her a new car, and the fight ensued because I was insisting she be drug tested as part of the condition of driving it. Two of my sisters, my father, and the drug addict all thought this was unreasonable, and despite the fact I was losing my baby, I was "cast out" of the family because of being "unreasonable."
Yes, I know it doesn't make sense, but you had to be there. We even went to a professional who said I was making sense, but that didn't matter. My father has tried to make peace since, but since I can't trust a damn word he says due to his history of lying (which he did again by promising to drug test the niece as a condition of making peace, but then "changed his mind" after I had kept my part of the difficult bargain) I'm not all that interested. My niece and I made some sort of peace, most likely because we put money away for her college which she now wants (and she's being drug tested as a condition of current living arrangement). And, I haven't heard from either of my two BITCH sisters since, except when one of them told me I wasn't allowed around her children anymore because of HER drug use. (That's the sister whose house payment we made for six months last year; she didn't speak to us last summer because I was nervy enough to ask her to fix a spaghetti thank you celebration dinner when the house finally sold -- apparently, that was unforgivably rude of me!)
My rage at my mother comes up because she is trying to be "neutral" and just pretends nothing is wrong with how they treat me. I'm an adult now, so my relationships with them are separate from her relationship with them. I agree with this intellectually. Unfortunately, since I'm struggling with the past abuse issues where she didn't take a stand, and I'm feeling isolated and unsupported by family in general, it just feels like I'm completely INVISIBLE with no one ever standing up for me when I am treated unfairly.
God, I know I'm an adult and I don't NEED anyone to stick up for me, but it hurts so much that she doesn't. She knew how much I wanted that baby, and she knew how they treated me, and why. I hate her so much at the moment -- mainly because it hurts so much. And yet, I still love her, if you know what I mean, except I don't ever want anything to do with her ever again as long as I live because she's a betraying bitch who doesn't stand up for me....?
So I'm crying, and my husband isn't around because he's off doing a "guy's night out" and I'm just being a mess. Its been a long day.
Ida
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