trying hard not to have a knee-jerk reaction to family fight

[MissMillie]

There was a big blow-up among my family members this weekend. My fundie brother essentially told my sister that he almost phoned her to tell her not to bring her partner (of 6 or 7 years) to his 25th anniversary party. (It turned out that the partner couldn't come anyway because her sick dad needed her, so the phone call was unnecessary.)

It was ugly. He even used the term "homo".

Mind you, of the 6 biological children born to my parents, 3 of them are homosexual, so this argument has big implications for us all.

My gut reaction is to tell my brother that any event my sister's family isn't welcome is an event he shouldn't invite me to.

I don't want to be hurtful, but this is how I feel about the whole mess.

Has he drawn a line in the sand, or will I be drawing one if I tell him how I feel?

[GOPisEvil]

1. You might remind your fundie brother of Jesus' teachings.

You know, all that "love thy neighbor" tolerance crap. :eyes: I probably wouldn't go, but I don't have siblings, so I'm not sure of the family dynamic.

[bearfan454]

2. He has drawn a line in the sand.

Ignorance is a horrible thing. When something like that is said it makes everyone feel "dirty".

[Mara Steele]

3. Oh, I'm so sorry MissMillie

:cry:

My feeling is that HE has drawn the line in the sand, but then, that's coming from a homo herself.

You'll have to do what you feel is best in the situation. Is there no reasoning with him at all?

:cry:

:pals:

[Karenina]

4. I find it better

NOT to tiptoe around family fundies' tulips. So what if YOU draw the line? It's about loyalty, doncha think?

[ScreamingMeemie]

5. He drew the line. You have a right to voice your opinion and show

your support for your sister and her partner. If it makes him uncomfortable to have them there, you can tell him that it makes you just as uncomfortable to not have them there because of one person's homophobia.

Good luck !

Laura

[SOteric]

11. I second this, except...

I wouldn't use the phrase "one person's homophobia." I'd use the phrase "one person's bigotry." If you're going to hold a figurative mirror up for him to see himself, make sure the image is clear.

[ScreamingMeemie]

13. True. I agree.

:hi:

[IdaBriggs]

6. 2 Options

1) Is this a "triangle" that you need to stay out of -- as in, they have other problems and this is just the icing on the cake/was looking for an excuse anyway type of situation? Can your sister stand up for herself? Does she want your support?

2) Do you need to "divide and conquer" yourself? Can you start a public e-mail amongst the family saying, "look, we have different viewpoints -- fundie/homosexual -- and our family needs to work together to decide how we should handle this? Do we ban the fundies from family gatherings because of their willingness to hurt others? Do we ban the homosexuals because they offend the fundies? Do we destroy our family bonds and go our own separate ways? How can we handle this like the loving (!) family we want to be? Let's all talk about it in this forum, without hate (especially if you are all followers of a specific religion)." Etc.

Add on Edit: Public discussions remove or expose poison. Private ones can also be useful, but should then be kept PRIVATE. Pick the appropriate one for your dynamic.

You may "lose" your brother for a while, but I suggest you include all children over the age of eighteen in the discussion in order to work with the next generation.

Good luck!
Ida M. Briggs

(Currently not speaking to two of my six remaining sibs because they are insensitive bitches, so take all of my advice with a grain of salt!) :)

[MissMillie]

7. I think at the moment...

we are all leaning towards putting off any major actions. My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer last month, and we're thinking we need to be united to help her get through this.

But I can tell you, words were said between my brother and sister that will make true healing very difficult.

I have always had fierce loyalty to my family unit, but in my eyes, my brother is happy to sever the unit in favor of some perverse interpretation of the Bible.

In my eyes, my sister's partner is no less family than my brother's wife. I can't think of anything my SIL could do that would make her unwelcome to family events. Naturally, the same thought applies to my sister's partner.

[Karenina]

9. Out of curiosity...

Are you older or younger than your sister? How many years between you? Are you close? Feel free to ignore my questions.

My experience with fundies is that one must draw STRICT boundaries. Otherwise their "holy" will tramp all over your space WITHOUT REGARD.
Their religion ends where my nose begins. ;-) All the best to you!!!

[MissMillie]

10. We're identical twins

she's 27 minutes older than I. We're very close. I would call her my best friend. We don't always agree on politics (she has this thing against tax deductions for kids) but we do agree more often than not.

[Karenina]

12. Oh, my dearest Missy....

You must then somewhere already know that NOTHING short of standing four-square behind your sister would feel good. If it's "permission" you need, we got your back covered. Brotherman is just being an arschloch and control freak.
It would be wise to circle the wagons and chill "his holiness" out REAL QUICK. Just my opinion... MUCH LOVE,CLARITY AND EASE TO YOU! :loveya:

[DemWitch]

8. Lay down the law...

Tell not only him, but your other siblings, and your parents as well that as long as he refuses to include your sisters partner in gatherings, then you will not be attending either.

There are times when being subtle and diplomatic do not work.

I was with my ex for 11 years. Not once, once during our entire relationship did my folks ever ask him to thier house. They made it clear they didn't like him, and didn't like me being with him. Holidays were a nightmare as I was expected by his family to attend thier gatherings, plus I had to attend mine. I spent more time in the car traveling from here to there than anything else.

After we split up, and after 5 years of singledom, I me someone new and I told my folks that he was to be treated as if he were my spouse. I would not split my time anymore between households, and if they couldn't deal with him being with my family on holidays, then they didn't have to deal with me either. After one year of no Thanksgiving and no Christmas, they sang a different tune, and Jim was fawned over for the next three years at all family gatherings, birthdays, anniversaries, etc.

Stand your ground. Keep your head high. And show that it is your brother that's in the wrong on this one.