Heart breaking. Got jokes?

[MuseRider]

Funny stories? Post em if you got em. My first day of empty nesting and I am not fucking happy about it. I have a wonderful thread for anyone who is going through this in the Meeting Room, lots of good suggestions but today I am a big old baby and I need JOKES! Please?

[WilliamPitt]

1. Horse walks into a bar. Bartender says,

"Why the long face?"

[wtmusic]

8. Horse walks into a bar. Bartender says,"

What'll it be?"

Kerry walks into the bar. Bartender says,

"Why the long face?"

[MuseRider]

15. Ewwwww!

Thanks.

[Jo March]

24. One of my favorite jokes of all time!

love that one

[ScreamingMeemie]

115. You stole my joke!

I tell that one all the time. x(

[WilliamPitt]

2. Guy walks into a bar,

second one ducked.

[MuseRider]

5. Ahhhh THANKS

it took me a second but it gave me a good belly laugh. Never heard that one before! :loveya:

[KamaAina]

104. Bush* walks into a bar, bartender says,

Oooh, that's gotta smart. How 'bout a pretzel?

Edit: fleshed out punchline

[MuseRider]

105. Whoop!

Funny.

[WilliamPitt]

3. How many Aggies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Light bulb?

[GOPisEvil]

6. Watch it, bub, or you'll never sleep on my couch again!

[WilliamPitt]

19. Hee hee hee hee hee

[VelmaD]

62. Hey David, have you heard the one about...

the Baylor divinty school graduate, the UT law school grad and the Aggie engineer who are about to be executed by electric chair? :P

The Baylor grad goes up first and prays "god please spare me from this death". They throw the switch and nothing happens so they set him free.

The UT law grad goes next. He gives a long summation of why he's not guilty and how the law could never let an innocent man be put to death. They throw the switch...nothing happens and they let him go.

Finally the Aggie engineer has his turn. He looks around and says..."you know, I'm an engineer and all I can say is if you'd plug this thing in it would work". :P

[GOPisEvil]

65. Thbtttttt!!

:P

[VelmaD]

66. So...how do you get a one-armed Aggie...

out of a tree?

Wave at him. :P :hi:

[MuseRider]

68. I will remember

this one, my oldest (although not in Ag) goes to K State, another aggie school. He will not appreciate it, but I do. :hi:

[WilliamPitt]

72. What's this? Vroom! Screech! Vroom! Screech! Vroom! Screech!

An Aggie driving through a blinking red light.

[MuseRider]

74. You are

a grand repository of funny jokes Mr. Pitt!

[VelmaD]

92. I wish I had known...

you were such a vast repository of Aggie jokes. Next time you're in Texas we are gonna have SO much fun with GOPisEvil. Bwahahaha. :evilgrin:

[MuseRider]

10. LOL!

Giggle, snort! I knew you were good for something Pitt. All that writing practice has been worthwhile!

[wryter2000]

4. A sprit lifter

This isn't a joke, but it feels good.

Open a file on your computer and call it George W. Bush. Save it, close it, and then delete it. You'll get an error message, "Do you really want to delete George W. Bush?"

[MuseRider]

12. YES! YES!

Thanks.

[eyesroll]

7. Nerd jokes!

Nerd joke #1:
There are 10 types of people in the world.
Those who understand binary and those who don't.

Nerd joke #2:
Two atoms were walking along the street. The first one walks right into a pole.

The second one asks, "Are you OK?"
The first one says, "I think I lost an electron!"
#2: "Are you sure?"
#1: "I'm positive."

[MuseRider]

13. YES!

Just what I need!

[Fovea]

9. Visual

Fred Phelps in a frilly pink tutu, wearing a clown nose.

[MuseRider]

18. That is probably

what he would look like without that stupid cowboy hat he wears! Yup, pretty funny. Thanks!

[wryter2000]

11. Why should we use lawyers in biomedical research?

1. There are too damned many of them.
2. No one cares what you do to them.
3. There are some things even a rat won't do.

Bada-bing! I'm here all week, folks. Try the veal.

[MuseRider]

20. Funny!

To all our lawyer friends, just insert Doctor in place of the Lawyers. *ducking*

[onebigbadwulf]

114. TAKE THAT BACK!

Or I'll vote republican! I'll do it! (holding absintee ballot)

[MuseRider]

117. Here you go.

:loveya: :hug:

[eleny]

14. Didja hear the one about the bedbug that gave birth in the spring?

[MuseRider]

21. Cute.

I almost, just almost asked for the punch line, I am so pitiful!

[eleny]

31. And here's a little present

No joke. Just a site where you can link smilies to your posts - if you like smilies. They have pages and pages of them.
http://www.my-smileys.de/

Just click on a smiley and the html code appears below in a pale blue field. Copy and paste it into your posting, if you wish. Or just enjoy them for the humor while you're feeling down. On the left side of the screen are your choices for themes. Hope they give you a smile or two today!

[MuseRider]

36. You are very sweet!

I will bookmark the site and look at them. I love smileys but am a bit lazy about using them, perhaps with all my extra time I will learn to use smileys more, sounds more worthwhile than feeling sorry for myself. Thank you so much.

Edit to add

[WilliamPitt]

16. Man walks into an Irish bar

sits down, and orders three Guinesses all at the same time. Bartender brings them over with a quizzical look, and watches the man slowly drink all three, one after the other. The man tips the bartender and walks out.

Comes back the next day and does the same thing.

Comes back the next day and does the same thing.

Comes back again, and finally the bartender says, "I don't mean to tell you your business, but if you order them one at a time, they stay cold."

The man replies, in a thick Irish brogue, "No, ye don't understand. I have a brother in Dublin and a brother in Boston, so I'm drinkin' a beer to the three Murphy brothers."

Bartender smiles, and the guy becomes a regular, coming in every day for three beers for the Murphy brothers.

One day, the man comes in and orders two Guinnesses. 'Oh crap,' thinks the bartender,' one of his brothers died. He brings the man his two beers and asks, "I hate to intrude, but did one oif your brothers pass away?"

The man said, "Ah no, I just gave up drinkin'."

[MuseRider]

23. Wheeeeeeeee

that is a great way to give up drinking! I had myself a few pitty beers last night, fell asleep on the couch and could barely get up this morning. Perhaps I will quit and have only one tonight.

[bearfan454]

17. A newlywed couple had been married 6 months

The wife thought the husband was losing interest in sex because every Sunday he would watch football and drink beer. She decided to spice up their love life. She went shopping and bought some crotchless panties. The next Sunday at halftime she walked out with just her new panties on and asked her husband - Do you want some of this ? He looked and said - Hell no, look what it did to those panties.

[MuseRider]

26. Ohhh god,

that is awful! But thanks, I still laughed and that is what I am looking for. I will pass this one on to my husband.

[bearfan454]

30. Sorry.

I was hoping you would get a chuckle out of it.

[MuseRider]

40. Oh I did!

Don't be sorry, I thank you for it.

[WilliamPitt]

22. A Priest, a Rabbi and a Lawyer are standing on a ship

The ship has struck an iceberg and is sinking. Noit far away is another iceberg. If the get to it, they'll be safe.

The priest shouts a prayer to God and leaps into the ocean. He gets ten feet and a shark gobbles him up.

The rabbi shouts a prayer to God and leaps into the ocean. He gets ten feet and a shark gobbles him up.

The lawyer says 'Oh fuck. These were two men of God and the sharks got them. I'm doomed. Gotta try though.' Throws himself into the ocean, swims harder than he ever swam before, and makes it to the iceberg.

Gasping, he says, 'I don't understand. Why didn't the sharks eat me?'

Shark pokes his head out of the water, winks, and says, 'Profesional courtesy, sir.'

[MuseRider]

27. Gotta love those

lawyer jokes!

[Cerridwen]

25. A little on the "noir" side

A squad of American soldiers was patrolling...

A squad of American soldiers was patrolling the Iraqi border, when they came across a badly mangled dead body. As they got closer, they found it was an Iraqi soldier.

A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled American soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, struggling to breathe. They ran to him, cradled his bruised head and asked him what had happened.

"Well," he whispered, "I was walking down this road, armed to the teeth when I came across this heavily armed Iraqi border guard. I looked him right in the eye and shouted, 'Saddam Hussein is a moronic, deceitful, lying piece of trash!'"

"He looked me right in the eye and shouted back, 'George W. Bush is a moronic, deceitful, lying piece of trash too!'"

"We were standing there shaking hands when the truck hit us."

[MuseRider]

29. I almost hate

to laugh but it IS funny. Thanks.

[flamingyouth]

28. Mine are all geeky jokes - sorry

(This first one is stolen from a thread over the weekend, but I loved it):

Rene Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender asks if he'd like a drink. Descartes says, "I think not," and promptly disappears.

Two corpuscles meet, but alas, their love was in vein.

[MuseRider]

33. Why be sorry?

They are very funny and laughter is what I am looking for today. Hell, I will save this thread because I think I will be looking for it for a good long while. Thank you!

[flamingyouth]

34. You're welcome

I just wasn't sure if philosophy and anatomy jokes were what you were looking for! :7

Hope your spirits are lifted!:hi:

[MuseRider]

42. I am looking for

rescue from my self pitty, these were perfect.

[Q3JR4]

32. Two fish were in a tank,

one turns to the other and says, "You man the turret, I'll drive."

[MuseRider]

43. I love that!

Really cute, thanks.

[Q3JR4]

35. Two seaguls were standing on a perch,

one turns to the other and says, "Do you smell fish?"

[MuseRider]

44. Another good one!

Thanks again!

[southpaw]

37. A couple of maggots are making love in dead Earnest...

:puke:

[MuseRider]

45. Awww, poor

Earnest! Thanks. LOL

[DU GrovelBot]

38. ## PLEASE DONATE TO DEMOCRATIC UNDERGROUND! ##

==================
GROVELBOT.EXE v3.0
==================



This week is our third quarter 2004 fund drive. Democratic
Underground is a completely independent website. We depend almost entirely
on donations from our members to cover our costs. Thank you so much for
your support.

[southpaw]

41. WWWHHHHHHEEEEEE!!! I summoned Grovel Bot!!!!

[MuseRider]

48. HI Grovelbot!

Nice to see you again.

[Q3JR4]

39. What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

[MuseRider]

49. Oh shit!

I just blew coffee out of my nose all over my keyboard, I really did. I don't know why that is so funny but damn, thanks so much. I will remember that every time I hit a sticky key so I have many more laughs from that one to come. A stick, I am seriously laughing my ass off over that one.

[Qutzupalotl]

101. Well, that is, too.

:)

[LynzM]

109. And right up there with that one...

The stick joke is my brother's favorite. His second fave:

What's green and has four wheels?

A blade of grass, and I was lying about the wheels!

[MuseRider]

110. Not that is just

stupid funny and stupid funny is very good.

[silverlib]

46. Sexist Jokes

How many light real men does it take to change a light bulb?

None - Real mean are not afraid of the dark.



How many real women does it take to change a light bulb?

None- They have learned to accept them the way they are.

[MuseRider]

50. YES!

Those are cute. Thanks, ha, that last one is cracking me up.

[redqueen]

47. You may have heard this one, but here goes...

A little girl and her mom come in from grocery shopping, and the kid begs her for the animal crackers they just bought. Dutifully she hands them over, and the girl runs off to another room with them. Mom gets done putting stuff away, and when she walks by the dining room table, sees that her daughter has poured all the crackers out all over the table, and seems to be sorting through them, examining each one.

Mom says, "And just what do you think you're doing with those crackers?"

Girl says, "But Moooooooom, the box said I shouldn't eat any if the seal is broken!"

[MuseRider]

52. Oh no! I have never heard

that one. Thanks. Kids, really cute.

[Qutzupalotl]

51. What did the snail say to the turtle?

"What's your hurry?"

[MuseRider]

55. I wish I had

some to send back to you all. Thanks, I rarely remember good jokes. That is cute thanks.

[WilliamPitt]

53. What's the dirtiest thing ever said on television?

Ward, I think you were a little hard on the Beaver last night.

[MuseRider]

56. OMG

I don't even know how to respond to that one! Poor June, or lucky June I guess. LOL

[southpaw]

54. How many republicans does it take to roof a house?

About a dozen, if you slice 'em thin.

[MuseRider]

57. Where do you all get these?

I have never heard most all of these. Perhaps I have and the senior moments are worse than I thought. Funny and thanks.

[southpaw]

58. Frog joke...

A five year old boy climbs onto his grandfather's knee and asks:
"Grand-dad. Can you make a sound like a frog?"

Grandfather gives the tyke a thoughtful look and replies: "Well, I don't know. Why do you ask?"

The child answers: "'Cause daddy says that when you croak, we'll be rich."

[MuseRider]

60. Kid jokes

always crack me up because you just know a kid somewhere most likely said it. Can you imagine? I am looking forward to grandkids and having my boys go through all of that. Thanks again.

[Qutzupalotl]

102. You'll like this page:

Fractured History

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death,his career suffered a dramatic decline.

It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. Sir Francis Drake circumsized the world with a 100-foot clipper.

http://www.crosswalk.com/fun/humor/1219837.html

[MuseRider]

103. Great page

thanks.

[pagerbear]

59. Didja hear about the corduroy pillowcase?

It's making headlines!

[MuseRider]

61. Again I had to think

about that for a minute. Great joke, thank you.

[southpaw]

63. One more...

Q: What's the difference between Rush Limbaugh and the Hindenburgh?

A: One is a flaming, Nazi gas-bag. The other is a zeppelin.

[MuseRider]

64. YES!

And again, thanks. Good one and so very true.

[ET Awful]

67. A man is walking down the street, and sees a boy with a

frog in his hand sitting on the curb. As he watches, the kid pokes the frog in the eye. The man is a bit shocked but says nothing. Then the kid does it again. The man is upset at this point and he walks up to the kid and says "son, whatever you do to that frog from now on, I'm going to do to you." The kid gets a big ole grin on his face and kisses the frogs ass.

[MuseRider]

69. Cute.

Cute, cute, cute. Thanks.

[C_eh_N_eh_D_eh]

70. How many right-to-life nuts does it take to change a lightbulb?

Three. Two to put in the new bulb, and one to say the bulb was lit the moment they started screwing.

[MuseRider]

71. Oh yes!

That is great, thanks.

[CBHagman]

73. Ancient one from Catholic school.

A little boy registers in the first grade in a Catholic school. On the first day of school, the nun asks the little boy for his name. The little boy replies, "Damnit."

"What!" says the good sister. "Any more language like that, young man, and you'll be sent to Sister Principal's office!"

"But my daddy always calls me that around the house. He says, 'Damnit, why are there toys all over the living room floor?' 'Damnit, who let the dog out?'"

So the sister decides to overlook this problem. Then one day Sister Principal visits the class and the kids are showing off their spelling prowess. The sister asks for a volunteer to spell a particularly difficult word, and the little boy eagerly raises his hand."

"Damnit, you can't spell that word!" says the nun.

"Aw, hell, why don't you let him try?" says Sister Principal.

[MuseRider]

75. I had not heard that one.

Thanks, life is funny and so was your joke.

[ChavezSpeakstheTruth]

76. RandomKoolzip, ChavezSpeakstheTruth & Whoisalhedges are reading a

book of tasteless jokes. They want to share with some people the HI-larious jokes but don't want to offend anyone and receive any cock-punches.

RandomKoolzip gos up to a girl and says "are you Italian?" the girl says "no" so he tells her an italian joke - they enjoy a laugh and schedule a date for an extra-marital tryst.

ChavezspeakstheTruth goes up to a guy and says "are you gay?" the guy says "yes" so he tells him a joke about Rick Santorum they share a laugh and schedule a date for an extra-engagement tryst.

Whoisalhedges goes up to a guy and says "are you black?"


get it?

I made that one up!

[MuseRider]

78. You are so talented

in so many ways! Thanks, you are the best and I love your joke.

[ChavezSpeakstheTruth]

85. *bows*

I live to serve

:)

[MuseRider]

88. For you

you cool Coltrane loving DUer.

[NewJeffCT]

77. The Perfect Couple

The perfect couple

There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress.

Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering toys.
Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.

Who was the survivor?
(Scroll down for the answer)



















The PERFECT WOMAN. She's the only one that really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.....
(Women: End scrolling here. Men: keep scrolling down.)























So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident. (By the way, if you are a woman and you're reading this...this brings up another point.....women never listen either.....)
THE REAL END

[MuseRider]

80. Thanks

No, we never do listen. That is true. Thanks, that is funny and true all at the same time from whatever point of view you take unless of course you are Santa.

[zbdent]

79. Not a joke, but a good breakup song

"One More Minute" by Weird Al Yankovic . . .

[MuseRider]

82. I love Weird AL!

Now I will have to go dig out my WA CD's and listen to it. He would make me laugh too! Thanks.

[stlchic]

81. Two brothers, ages 6 and 8, decide they are old enough to start cursing.

So they plan to use dirty words the next morning at breakfast. The 8-year-old says he'll use the world HELL and tells the 6-year-old to use ASS.

Well, the next morning they head downstairs for breakfast. And when their mother asks them what they want, the 8-year-old says, "Ah, Hell, I'll have some Fruit Loops." Shocked, the mother wheels around and backhands him on his chair, sending him screaming back upstairs.

She then turns to the 6-year-old and says, "What are you going to have?" He replies, "I don't know, but you can bet your ass it ain't gonna be Fruit Loops."

:crazy:

[MuseRider]

83. CUTE!

Thanks.

[jukes]

84. no jokes

hermits don't know jokes. but the bizzarro world thread is getting fun...

:hi:

[MuseRider]

86. Thanks jukes

I will check it out. Sounds right up my alley. :hi:

[C_eh_N_eh_D_eh]

87. Elvis Presley, John Belushi, and Liberace

are getting bored in Heaven, and want to spend a weekend in Las Vegas. They go to St. Peter, and he agrees to send them down to Earth, but if any of them gets a sinful thought in his head, he'll go straight to Hell.

So, the three of them are walking through the seedier part of Vegas, and they pass by a strip club. Belushi decides to go inside, but before he gets to the door, *POOF!* he disappears in a cloud of sulphuric smoke.

Elvis and Liberace realize the St. Peter was't kidding, and they resolve to stay away from temptation for the rest of their stay. But as they walk on a bit further, Elvis sees a baggie full of colourful pills in the gutter. He tries to resist, but it's been way too long since his last fix. He bends over to pick up the pills.

*POOF!*

Liberace disappears.

[MuseRider]

89. Ohh that is really

good. Thanks.

[NewJeffCT]

90. Things you'd love to say at work, but can't

THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY AT WORK, BUT CAN'T

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of crap.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to
pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in
public. This is good!
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it
my way.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're
saying.
10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...
11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique
point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an
artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely
coincidental.
19. What am I? Fly paper for freaks!?
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...? BINGO!
24. Do I look like a people person?
25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

[MuseRider]

91. Those are great!

I am sending this list along to the Symphony office, I think at this particular point in time (pre season) they would really appreciate that. Funny.

[dubyaD40web]

93. Quickies to offend everyone.............

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE PART I

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan.

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts.

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?
100 people who don't do dick.


SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE PART II

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive,
caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of
marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no
intention of driving.

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade.
Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
Are you sure it's mine?"

What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use
the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.


SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE, PART III

What's the Cuban National Anthem?
"Row, Row, Row Your Boat"

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front
of the cage along with... "a recipe".

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a
southern fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale
begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."

Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

[MuseRider]

94. Now THAT is a good list!

Thanks, lots of chuckles in that post. :hug:

[Qutzupalotl]

95. Why do they call people in their sixties "sexagenarians"?

:shrug:

[Qutzupalotl]

106. People ask me, are you a vegetarian?

I tell them, no, I'm a humanitarian. I eat people.
--Swami Beyondananda

[Qutzupalotl]

96. I got in touch with my feminine side.

Unfortunately, she's making me sleep on the couch. She even told my inner child that he was adopted.

[Qutzupalotl]

97. A funny thing happened to me

on the way to assertiveness training class...but I guess it's...really not all that...important...

[MuseRider]

98. WOW

3 good ones in a row. Very nice and thanks.

[Vincardog]

99. Did you hear W' library Burn down?

Yeah, Both books up in smoke.
Boy was george MAD...
He hadn't finished coloring one yet.

[MuseRider]

100. Well you know

it takes him a while because he has to lick the crayons often. Thanks, funny but so true.

[stlchic]

107. How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two, but I can't figure out how they got in the lightbulb.

And some others....

Men:
One to put in the bulb, and five friends so he can brag about the screwing part.

Microsoft Engineers:
None - Bill Gates will just define dark as the new industry standard.

[MuseRider]

108. Even more!

Great and thank you.

[Guy Fawkes]

111. only one I have...

1:"What do they call people from Italy?"
2:"Italians."
1:"What do they call people from Russian?"
2:"Russians."
1:"What do they call people from the Isle of Lesbos, where you're from?"
2:"Greek"

This was from a woman talking about her Greek mother not accepting her being a lesbian for a while.

[MuseRider]

112. Another joke!

Yipee, going all day. Thanks. Funny.

[Aristus]

113. How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

Well, only one; but the light bulb really has to want to change! :D

[Longhorn]

116. A groaner I wrote myself

back when I was in high school studying mythology:

What do you call a portrait of Apollo on his throne?

Sunny and Chair.

P.S. I won't quit my day job! :D

[Mrs_Beastman]

118. A Catholic, a Baptist and an atheist all die and

are standing at the gates of Heaven. St.Peter tells them they each must answer one question correctly to get into Heaven.

The Catholic goes first. St. Peter asked " What is the first gook of the Bible?" The Catholic says " That's an easy one! Genesis!"...and the lights flash, bells ring and the Catholic goes up to Heaven.O8)

The Baptist goes next. St Peter asks him "Who was the first man God created?" The Baptist said "That's an easy one! Adam!"...and the lights flash and bells ring and the Baptist goes up the Heaven.O8)

The Atheist walks up to St. Peter and is asked "What was the first words Eve spoke to Adam? The atheist says " Gee, That's a hard one!"...and the lights flash, bells rings and the Atheist goes to Heaven.O8)

[DancingBear]

119. Rush Limbaugh and his limo driver

are riding in farm country, when they see a large hog walking with a young boy. They stop, and the boy commences to tell Rush about the various medals, ribbons, etc. he has won for raising him.

"Well", says Rush, "sounds like a true American conservative values sauces story". He tells the boy he'd like to meet his parents to commend them for raising such a fine boy, and the boy runs to the house to tell them.

Sadly, as the limo backs up, it runs over the swine, killing it. Rush, being Rush, tells his driver to go up and explain the situation to the boy and his parents, while he waits in the car smoking a cigar.

Hours go by, and finally the limo driver returns. "Where the hell were you for all that time", Rush says, "and what happened?"

"Strangest thing", says the limo driver, "the family welcomed me with open arms. They gave me a huge meal, let me make love to their beautiful daughter, and showered me with money as I left."

"That's impossible!", Rush says. "What did you tell them?"

"Nothing special", the driver replied. "I just said I'm Rush Limbaugh's limo driver and I just killed the pig."

[DancingBear]

120. Okay - this will ruin my image - but here goes

A downtrodden man is sitting at a bar when another man sits beside him and asked what the trouble is.

"It's the townspeople", he says. "You see this bar we're sitting at? Made of the finest mahogany, crafted with my own hands and put in with no help from anyone. But do people here refer to me as Angus The Woodsmith? No they don't."

"And that wall outside - do you see that? Dry lay-ed stone from a local quarry - done with my own hands with no help from anyone. A beautiful wall - but does anyone here refer to me as Angus The Stonemason? No they don't."

And that boat in the harbor - see that? All built with my own hands, right down to the oakum on the decks. Does anyone here refer to me as Angus The Boatbuilder? No they do not."

"But f*ck one goat..."

[Throckmorton]

121. The only joke I know

A duck waddles into a bar, hops up on the stool and asks the bartender, “You got any corn?”.

The bartender replies, “No, this is a bar, if your not going to drink, then leave”.

The duck waddles out.

The next day, the duck returns, and once again asks, “You got any corn?”.

The bartenders says, “I told you yesterday, no!, and if you ask again I am going to nail your bill to this bar!!!”

Once again, the duck waddles out.

On the third day, the duck comes in and jumps up on the stool, he asks “You got any nails?”

“No”, replies the bartender.

“You got any corn?”