Late Night Hosts Do Bush

[Dover]

"A new poll says that if the election were held today, John Kerry would beat President Bush by a double digit margin. The White House is so worried about this, they're now thinking of moving up the capture of Osama Bin Laden to next month." -- Jay Leno

President Bush has unveiled his first campaign commercial, highlighting
all of his accomplishments in office. That's why it's a 60-second spot."
-- Jay Leno

"President Bush says he has just one question for the American voters,
'Is the rich person you're working for better off now than they were
four years ago?'"-- Jay Leno

"Kerry is well on his way to reaching his magic number of 2,162. That's
the total number of delegates he needs to win the Democratic nomination.
See, for President Bush it's different. His magic number is only 5.
That's the number of Supreme Court judges needed to win." -- Jay Leno

"There was a scare in Washington when a man climbed over the White House
wall and was arrested. This marks the first time a person has gotten
into The White House unlawfully since President Bush." -- David
Letterman

"The White House is now backtracking from its prediction that 2.6
million new jobs will be created in the U.S. this year. They say they
were off, by roughly 2.6 million jobs.." -- Jay Leno

"In Louisiana, President Bush met with over 15,000 National Guard
troops. Here's the weird part: nobody remembers seeing him there." --
Craig Kilborn

"President Bush said he was 'troubled' by gay people getting married in
San Francisco. He said on important issues like this the people should
make the decision, not judges. Unless of course we're choosing a
president, then he prefers judges." -- Jay Leno


"There was an embarrassing moment in the White House earlier today. They
were looking around searching for George Bush's military records. They
actually found some old Al Gore ballots." -- David Letterman

"The big story now is that President Bush is coming under attack for his
service in the National Guard. The commanding officers can't remember
seeing Bush between May and October of '72. President Bush said,
'Remember me? I'm the drunk guy.'" -- Jay Leno


"On 'Meet the Press' yesterday President Bush was asked what he would do
if he lost the election and Bush said, 'You mean like last time?'" --
Jay Leno

"This week, both John Kerry and Wesley Clark are making campaign
appearance with the guys who saved their lives in Vietnam. Meanwhile,
President Bush is campaigning with a guy that once took a math test for
him." -- Conan O'Brien

"President Bush released his new $2.4 trillion federal budget. It has
two parts: smoke and mirrors." -- Jay Leno

"Bush admitted that his pre-war intelligence wasn't what it should have
been. We knew that when we elected him!" -- JayLeno

"As you know President Bush gave his State of the Union Address,
interrupted 70 times by applause and 45 times by really big words." --
Jay Leno

"President Bush said that American workers will need new skills to get
the new jobs in the 21st century. Some of the skills they're going to
need are Spanish, Chinese, and Korean, because that's where the jobs
went." -- Jay Leno

"President Bush wants to build a space station on the moon. And from the
moon, he wants to launch people to Mars. You know what this means. He's
drinking again." -- David Letterman

"Former Treasury Secretary Paul O'Neill has written a book about his
years with the Bush Administration. He said that President Bush, while at
cabinet meetings is disengaged, he's uninformed, distracted, he's
passive. And the Democrats are saying to themselves "How can we possibly
beat this guy?" -- David Letterman

"The new Prime Minister of Spain has called the war in Iraq a disaster,
and plans to bring his troops home as soon as possible. In fact,
President Bush is so upset at Spain that he is now threatening to close
down the border between Spain and the US." -- Jay Leno

"Homeland Security Director Tom Ridge has unveiled a new color-coded
system to warn the public about different states of danger. Red is the
highest state of alert, and it means that Dick Cheney is about to eat a
mozzarella stick." -- Conan O'Brien

"Dick Cheney finally responded today to demands that he reveal the
details of the Enron meetings. This is what he said. 'He met with
unnamed people, from unspecified companies, for an indeterminate amount
of time, at an undisclosed location.' Thank God he cleared that up." - -
Jay Leno

"Plans are being discussed as to who will replace Dick Cheney if he has
to resign for health reasons. It's not easy for President Bush. He can't
just name a replacement. He would first have to be confirmed by the oil,
gas and power companies." -- Jay Leno

"President Bush spoke briefly to reporters before playing a round of
golf in Crawford, Texas, earlier today. This raises the question:
Shouldn't the guy who is really running the country and who has had like
20 heart attacks be taking the vacation?" -- Craig Kilborn

"The White House has now released military documents they say prove
George Bush met his requirements for the National Guard. Big deal, we've
got documents that prove Al Gore won the election." -- Jay Leno

[napi21]

1. Thanks. Although I heard some before, this post gave me some

very big smiles today.I miss Leno since I've swtiched to the Daily Show. Jay's monologue was always pretty good!

[stranger_with_candy]

3. The Daily show

is on at 11... how can you not watch Leno at 11:30 ?

[BootinUp]

2. Leno is good, but I laugh harder at Conan