"Only white people charge their kids rent"

[rene moon]

My mom says this often and I thought about this quote when I was reading Samplegirl's thread about her 22yr. daughter, who lives at home and doesnt have a job.

I'd often tell my Mom she was being being racist whenever she said that. She always felt bad for my white friends who had to move out or pay rent at 18. I guess she felt that their parents cared more about money than their child's well-being, under the guise of "teaching them responsibility". For my parents, we could live at home but we had to be in school or have a job. They never charged rent, obviously but if you did neither school or job, you had to find some other place to live.

But after reading some of replys, I see that most people advocate just kicking their kids out at 18. I guess I don't get that. I lived at home until I was 23 (school&job). I am now 30, married and pretty responsible. My sisters did the same.

Is there something I'm missing? Maybe it should be that "Only Americans charge their kids rent". I don't know.


P.S. It seems to me that Samplegirl needs to lay some rules down or let her daughter flounder for a while.

Edit: I am not trying to offend anyone--I hope I didnt.

[vi5]

1. I lived at home for 2 years after college...1 after grad school...

...and my wife and I both lived there for 6 months prior to buying a house. We never had to pay rent. All we had to do was pick up after ourselves. Of course all these times I was gainfully employed, but 2 out of the 3 times I simply wasn't making enough to be able to afford rent in the area in which we lived and I worked.

[redqueen]

2. I'm leaving the philosophizing to others

but I did want to point out that my dad is Mexican and he charges rent, so she's not exactly right about the White thing.

[rene moon]

3. Maybe it's a Mexican mom's thing?

My Dad wanted to charge us rent and my mother told him no.

[redqueen]

13. Well

My mom is White and she didn't do it when she lived away from my dad...

I think it's a personal thing, with nothing whatsoever to do with race. Possibly a cultural aspect, but we're all Americans, so...

[UdoKier]

4. I agree with your mom.

Only white Americans think kids should move out at 18. It's a stupid, unrealistic and impractical notion. Kids who move out at 18 like myself and take on debt to go to school and pay rent are at a distinct disadvantage against kids who stay home throughout college, not paying rent.

I will encourage my kids to stay home until they marry, and they will have a reasonable amount of freedom to do as they please from 18 on.

I agree that kids who are disrespectful, mean and irresponsible should be given a chance to live on their own, though. In many cases, the real world sobers up spoiled kids real fast.

[tigereye]

36. it was a lot cheaper to move out in the past

that's what I did. I went to college and then I think I spent one summer at home after that. I love my parents, but I was ready. It is much harder now, financially. I think if your parents love you, they will probably let you stay at home until you are ready, as long as you are moving your life forward.

[KurtNYC]

5. I think it is one thing to accomodate your child when

you are on good terms and they seem to be on the right path, finishing school or what not.

And something else when they are unappreciative, abusive, etc. and NOT using the opportunity (living rent free) to get things together for themself. Not sure race has much to do with it.

[Donkeyboy75]

6. I don't think you can broadly apply these rules.

I think it's silly to have a steadfast rule like that. Parenting is about adjusting to certain situations and trying to do the best for your child.

If your child is lazy, living at home and over 18, methinks it's too late to do anything about their attitude anyway.

[Droopy]

7. My parents never charged me rent and we're white

I've lived at home off and on since I turned 18. Three different times I had to move back in and I was always welcome. I'm 31 and I've been living at home for the past 2 years. However, I just bought a house and will be moving in to there shortly. I've always held down a job and I've got good credit, I just had a run of bad luck over the past ten years. Thankfully my parents were there for me. I will treat my children the same way if I ever have any.

[UdoKier]

22. I think the notion of 'out at 18' is more WASP than white...

My Mom especially is a Laura Bush-style WASP. Her parents sent her to the best schools, paid for everything, even left her a trust fund, but I was out on my ass at 18, and my wealthy mom (by then divorced) told me that tuition should be my Dad's department.

Of course my dad could only afford to help out a little.

SO obviously I resent my Mom not passing on the benefits that were passed on to her, and by extension I resent Laura Bush who is almost idenntical in every way to my Mom.

Phony, frozen-faced, social-climbing Texas Junior League-type women are the scum of the Earth.

[miss_kitty]

46. well droopy, you are probably a thoughtful child

and don't cause your parents undue grief, such as the type samplegirl was describing

my bro and sis-in-law started charging one of the kids rent when he was over-staying his welcome. he was over 18 and
1) drinking too much
2) not going to school
3) not working

in other words, it was just one long summer vacation for him.

he was polite about it and did chores around the house. he also took over the basement. they started by charging him $50 or so...he is a big guy, eats a lot-that did not even cover his groceries...then raised it to $100, and finally after 2 years, raised it to $300 and guess what? he got a job and moved out.

he is moving home this year (after 2 years gone) to go to school. i'm sure he'll get a break in the rent. but as sherrie (sis-in-law) said-"i raised my kids to move out when they are 18."

people end up with the kids they raised-for the most part. your parents obviously raised a child they could live with as an adult, and that is a win-win thing. i wish you the same.

[Worst Username Ever]

8. To be fair,

I beleive sample was referring to a PROBLEM 22 year old, not just a regular kid. If the child is going to be be cruel, angry, and take everything for granted, she needs to be "educated." I think booting her or charging rent is perfectly fair.

[rene moon]

11. Yeah, I agree

Her thread just made me think about what my Mom used to say as I was growing up. I'm not sure I believed it or if i believe it now. Everyone is different.

[demnan]

9. I think it was the obvious disrespect

the girl had for her mother that made me advocate having her move, more than the money thing. Actually my mother who is in her 80s is supporting my two brothers, one aged 49 and unemployed and one retired on disability, aged 55. And they are white. When I lived with my mother (until I was 39!) I always paid rent and I really did not have a decent paying job until 6 months after I left. I wouldn't have lived there and not contributed.

I'm probably telling you more than you wanted to know about myself but I sure wish my mother would boot out my brothers and get herself a nice condo to live out the rest of her days in. The funny thing is, they talk to her so mean. That's why I'm saying the daughter ought to move out, so she can appreciate her mother again.

[Logansquare]

10. Sounds like your situation is completely different

As long as you were going to school, working, AND respecting your parents, there's no problem. It sounded like samplegirl had a 22 year old infant on her hands. My folks asked for $50 a month after I graduated from college and moved back home. I'm sure that didn't even cover my food, but my dad was retired and mom worked as a cleaning lady, so it wasn't like they could afford to support me. And sorry, but your mom was being racist--how does she know if white people "charge rent" to their kids? I'm white and I know a lot of other white people with adult children who aren't charging a dime to their kids.

[rene moon]

14. Well, she isn't fond of white people

Growing up in S. Az as a Mexican immigrants kid in the 50s/60s was really hard for her. She's a great lady but these hurts she has still to this day is from her past with white people. I don't know what else to say but she tries hard not to be bitter.

She likes both of her son-in-laws, who are white! That's a good start.

[Logansquare]

20. That is very good! For some older folks, you can't change learned

attitudes too quickly. My grandmother, who spent most of her adult life being terrified of black people, made many black friends once she actually had to live with some in her retirement home.

[Butterflies]

12. I don't agree with that

Poor families of any race expect their children to chip in when they're old enough to help financially.

I don't like the "just kick her out" suggestion. If she's not ready to be on her own, she could really mess up and it could all permanently damage your relationship with her.

[nickinSTL]

15. I paid rent

While I was working a reasonably good full-time job and living at home, I paid rent. My parents allowed me to live there without rent when I was unemployed (as long as I was looking for a job) and when I had a crap job that would barely pay for food and gas.

They also bought a car (for me) with the understanding that the cost of the car would be treated like a loan, and I paid them back over time like it was a loan.

I had no problem with paying rent when it made sense (I lived at home until I was 25)

And whether that had anything to do with it, I think I turned out pretty well, including having a great relationship with my parents and being fiscally responsible.

[Cheswick2.0]

16. I don't think that is true

though I do admit that the reponses to throw the kid out at 18 are harsh and not reasonable.

[Politicub]

17. It differs

My parents never charged me rent, but I'm an only child. I don't know if that has anything to do with it. I also had ambition, so I always was working or in school after I graduated from High School.

My partner, on the other hand, his family had a policy of charging rent as soon as their kids hit the age of 18 -- even if they were still in school. His cousins share the same predicament. It seemed odd to me that he had to pay rent to his own parents.

I'm from rural Western NC, and he's from the San Francisco bay area in Calif. So -- it could be a regional thing, too.

If I had kids, I wouldn't think about charging them rent. I'm of the mind that its the family's home -- not just the mom and dad's or dad and dad's or moms and mom's. :)

It's nice to know that if I hit the skids and need to go back home, I could, and I wouldn't have to worry about being served with a rent and utility bill.

Interesting topic to think about, though.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

18. i think its eastern ns western

in the east it is taken for granted that you will live with your parents and contribute to family

here we call it rent

i think thats the difference

[NashVegas]

19. I Was Not Charged Rent

My first job didn't pay much at all. I did help out with the bills & groceries, though. Lived at home until the age of 23.

[mondo joe]

21. In my Sicilian American family they'd pay you to NOT move out

I never knew anyone in my huge extended Sicilian family that paid rent while they lived with their parents. And that includes the people in their 40's still living with their parents. I do think some of those who were evidently in permanent residence helped out by picking up the electric bill or something.

In part it's because everyone was poor. In part it's the Sicilian culture - the whole goal is to keep your kids from moving away. Most of the parents would have just about paid their kids to NOT leave home.

But I always thought we were off-white anyway.

[Chovexani]

29. My mom's in her early 60s

She grew up in a mixed neighborhood...Blacks, Italians, Irish, German, etc.

She told me that in school the Irish kids used to call the Sicilian kids the "N" word.

Some of those kids were as dark as she was, and we're Black.

[rene moon]

30. It's like that in Mexican families too

I find that interesting. My parents always want us to move near them.

[SemiCharmedQuark]

39. I come from a Hispanic family and we're the same

The rule goes that a parent doesn't have to save money because he/she will move in with the child. A parent puts all resources into helping the child get on his or her feet. That means, no charging rent, paying for school whatever. Then when the child has succeeded, the child has the privelege of repaying the parent for her graciousness by taking care of her. My husband was shocked by this (He's English). In his family, a kid is out the door and on their own ASAP. The parents take care of themselves and the kids take care of themselves. They both end the same way, just different ways.

My family lives all together. I lived with my grandma from the time I was 3, and my cousin from 3 as well. It's like that for the entire family. We all live in the same 2 neighborhoods throughout the country, one in TX one in IL. I think it's mostly because we needed to because we were poor.

[mondo joe]

44. I think it's culture of poverty vs culture of social mobility

As I said up above, my Sicilian family was the same way.

And I don't think all Latino, Sicilian or African American families are poor, or that all "white" people are well to do.

But I do think there's a huge cultural tradition of poverty or getting-by on one side and one of making a financial success of yourself.

Or put another way, in "white" culture independence often has greater cultural value than in ethnic minority groups. In fact in some of those groups - like the Sicilians - the sort of independence esteemed among WASPs would be considered a flaw.

It all makes sense - the way families get by without much is by sharing the resources and the costs. I always knew that if I won the lottery I'd get to keep a small percentage because so much of the family would expect their share.

[murielm99]

23. My kids are in their twenties, and they are all pretty independent.

They work and/or go to school.

My son nearly had to move back when he got in some credit card trouble. My husband was all for charging him rent, but I said no. He needed to get his debt straightened out before paying us.

He went to credit counseling, and learned not to buy everything under the sun. We help them out financially if they get in big trouble, but they are expected to pay us back in a reasonable amount of time.

My husband and I talked about it. He finally seemed to get it that they can help out in other ways if they need to live at home.

I worry about what is coming down financially, and socially, if * steals it again. We may all have to stay together to help each other out.

We are white. Money is a whole lot less important than family. And what if I need help from them someday? It cuts both ways.

[ProfessorGAC]

24. I Paid Rent

Look, it was cheaper than getting an apartment. I was working, playing in a band, and going to grad school. I didn't have time to hound around the clubs. So, i didn't need anywhere to bring the harpies home to. Living there didn't cramp my style.

Then, i felt like giving my parents $100/month (in 1976) did two things:

1) It allowed me to come and go as i please, no questions asked. My parents fully agreed with that.

2) $100/month was a lot for one bedroom and the use of the basement rec room. So, i got my laundry done as part of the family chores my younger siblings were doing. (I'm the oldest.)

So, i sort of bought my freedom and relieved myself of the laundry worries. I thought it was worth it.

I lived there for two years after college. Got my grad degree, in a December, moved into an apartment with my fiancee in February, got married the next month, and we're still together.

Worked OK for me.
The Professor

[GoddessOfGuinness]

25. My opinion about it is this:

I don't want to charge my kids rent. However, if they aren't willing to accept fair responsibilities around the house, they should pay rent. I'm not talking about major things...I mean cleaning up after themselves, taking care of their own laundry at least, mowing the grass, etc. There are basic chores they'd need to do if they lived in a dorm...why not expect them at home?

Besides that, Samplegirl's relationship with her daughter seems to be unpleasant for both of them. Certainly Samplegirl isn't happy; and I suspect if her daughter was, she wouldn't be verbally abusive to her mom. It sounds like they both need space from each other; and the best way to achieve that is for her daughter to go out on her own.

[cally]

26. It is not a white thing, a WASP thing, or a westerner thing

I'm all three and I would never charge rent. My parents never did either. I think it depends on your family and its values. :shrug:

[HEyHEY]

27. In Canada all my french friends say "Only english people charge rent"

And it's true. My french comrade couldn't even fathom the concept of paying rent to live at home.

[truthspeaker]

28. kicking kids out at 22 (after college), not 18

And in my case I wasn't "kicked" out, I was racing to get out of there!

It's not about money, it's about helping young adults become independent.

If I were a racist, I'd say "Only black people kick their kids out BEFORE they're 18." In interviews with homeless teens I've heard of poor and/or negelctful parents (of all races) doing that. "Sorry, we've got too many mouths to feed and I don't even see your father anymore, so you're on your own".

[skygazer]

31. Well, it used to be

That most families were rural families and the kids worked on the farm alongside their parents. They contributed to the family's well being in that way. I think that a lot of people view charging their children rent as a way to educate them about being responsible for themselves, something kids formerly learned through their cooperative work on farms or through having set chores they were expected to do. I don't see much of that at all anymore.

It would make more sense to me to delegate responsibilities on kids throughout their childhood with simple chores and expectations which would teach them more about independence than suddenly slapping them with rent at the age of 18.

[Susang]

32. I'm a white girl and my parents have never charged me rent

They never charged my brother or my sister rent either and throughout all of our lives they have tried to support us as best they can, both financially and emotionally.

Of course, my parents are Polish Catholics, a lot of people don't consider us "white", the color of our skin notwithstanding. None of my relatives have ever charged their children rent or ever kicked them out of the house and a lot of them have lived (or even currently live) with their parents.

I always thought it was pretty heartless to kick your kids out like that too. I know I probably could never do it (if I had kids). I sure as hell know my parents could never have done it. They'd love nothing more than to have me move home now and I'm 39!

[Blue-Jay]

33. Pollacks aren't white.

They're translucent. :P

[Chovexani]

34. My take on it

(As always, YMMV and I am trying my damnest to be honest without being offensive :))

I'm black and my mom says that too.

I am 23, doing temp work and trading on Ebay while looking for permanent employment and trying to sort out an immigration situation with my boyfriend. I didn't finish school (it's a long story) but I fully intend to next year as well as grad school eventually. The job market here is really tough, but I am trying my best to chip in.

My mom has never asked me for a dime of rent. My older sister is 40 and lived at home when she graduated college until she was about 28. Mom never asked her for rent either. She is supposed to be retired but she works per diem (she's a CAPD nurse) and she is busting her ass. So I don't just lay around the house, I help her out--I buy groceries, make sure the place is relatively tidy ('cept for my room, hehe), take care of the cat, and am 24/7 tech support for computer and A/V stuff. If she can't gas up the car I help out. I also pay for half the internet charges (I set up a DSL home network), and any long distance or international calls I make, which are rare because I buy phone cards most of the time. I don't have a lot of money but I try not to be a nuisance or get in her grill about stuff, and when I can't pitch in monetarily I try to contribute to the household in other ways. This is far from an ideal situation and I would love more than anything to move out but it just isn't feasible right now--with rents the way they are around here, I simply can't afford to live alone and I am worried about roommates.

I have always been taught you take care of your own. In a lot of ways it is similar to Eastern cultures in the sense that family is #1, you never go against your family and you always do for them. That's just the way we were raised. Now that most definitely has a lot of drawbacks, mainly in the form of leeches and hangers on that are always trying to use. I have cousins like that, one of whom lives with me. He is over 40 and has never lived on his own--he has a stocking job at a major department store that he has pretty much had since school. His excuse was that he was trying to break into acting, and when he was younger he was fairly active in the local theater community but he just wasn't aggressive enough and he can't accept that it is pretty much over for him and he needs to get real. He lived with his mother forever in NJ (they lived with us for a while when they lost the house), until she moved to Las Vegas a few years ago, and ever since he has been living in our basement freeloading. What makes it so bad is he doesn't give my mom a dime, is apparently allergic to going to the store, and eats enough for 4 people, not to mention talking to his mom for hours on end on OUR telephone when he has a phone line of his own downstairs. He doesn't make much money, but he manages to go to see digital movies multiple times a month ($11 where I live) and buy loads of stuff online. He is a nice guy but he is utter hell to live with, and has totally taken advantage of my mom's altruistic nature.

It's telling that the last time my boyfriend was here, he didn't even stay with us but he gave my mom more money than my cousin has in the entire time he's lived here. Mr. C. is going to stay here for three months while looking for a place and employment. My mom is asking for ridiculously modest rent, but Mr. C. plans on giving her more.

I think black folks, at least black folk from the old school, are more likely to extend themselves for their family. It's a cultural thing, down south they grew up poor and that's just how they were raised--if they didn't do for each other NO ONE did for them. Of course there's exceptions but that is generally how it is, in my experience. I think it's the same reason why my mom is totally appalled by people who disown their kids, and dysfunctional parent/child relationships where the kid cuts off their family or vice-versa, people not speaking to each other for years on end, etc. She doesn't understand why white people seem to disown their kids at the drop of a hat (her words/thoughts, not mine). Mr. C is a white Australian and his mom has made it quite clear I am not welcome in her home and if/when we ever get married she is not coming to the ceremony, purely because I am black (his dad loves me to pieces, OTOH). She has basically said if he marries me, he is no longer her son. Contrast with my mom, who not only loves Mr. C but said he could stay here rent-free if he was going back to school here. She likes him more than she likes me, I swear. :silly: That's not to say my mom approves of everything I do, far from it. My mom might not have always liked or respected my lifestyle choices (she disapproves rather strongly about most of them actually), but she would never think of disowning me for them.

This doesn't mean everything is sweetness and light. "I brought you in this world, I can take you out" was heard many times in my house when I was growing up. ;)

Hope you got something out of my rambling.

[daisygirl]

35. In my (white) family it varied

My sister quit school at 16. She wanted to go to school to learn to cut hair, so my parents told her that they'd put her through school, but once she was out of school and working (at age 17) she'd have to start paying rent. I'm pretty sure they did it to discourage her from quitting high school. It wasn't a lot of money.

My brother came to live at home after he left the military. During times when he had a good job, he paid rent (never a lot, but enough to contribute toward the groceries). If he was between jobs (he worked construction back then, and things were pretty lean for a while), no rent.

I was never charged rent. I don't know why. I offered but was told not to worry about it. For the first year or two after I finished high school, I had trouble finding full-time work, and maybe that was why then, but they still told me not to worry about it even after I was working full-time. No clue what was going on there - maybe it was that I was the youngest and they weren't in a hurry to have an empty nest.

[Corgigal]

37. In my house

I have a 23 year old daughter living at home. I pay her car insurance and other bills attached to us BUT she gets to pay for food around the 3rd week of the month. It's basically a wash.

I have told my son who will be 17 in Sept if his ass isn't either working or in college by the time he gets out of HS then he will be moving back with his dad for awhile.

I have two younger children behind them and fixed amount of resource's. If the kids aren't motivated to go out into the world and kick some butt then I will move on to the next one. Sure it's might not be the correct way to raise them but I think it's the honest way. Nothing I do to them in this house will be as hard as what society has waiting. If they don't want to heed that advice then they will see, personally and up front.

[curse10]

38. My parents didn't charge me rent when I had to move in with them

after an emergency. And they don't charge my brother, who still live with them and is 22, rent.

Of course, we were responsible for all of our other expenses and any special food we wanted :-)

[pbg]

40. Just Saying

Not only did my folks not charge me rent, they didn't charge my friend rent when his wife threw him out, or my sister's friend, or my sister's teacher's son, or an ex-girlfriend of mine who was trying to make it as an actress...

Now that she's in her 80's and living on social security, my mom's charging the son of the woman she plays Scrabble with (he's in his 50's) for utilities.

My parents were always strange and wonderful people.

[bloom]

41. It has been interesting reading these threads

My son is off to grad school and self-supporting for the most part. I help him out when he needs it.

My daughter, 20, is another story.

I'm just coming to terms with the fact that she probably has Asperger's. She tried to start a job this week - but she can barely talk to people. Something happened and she won't tell us. (She also won't admit that she has a problem - this is my diagnosis. She has seen psychologists/psychiatrists in the past - I think they misdiagnosed her....).

She would love to move out - but I don't know how that is going to happen.

I used to have ideas like I didn't want my kids to just be dependent forever, etc. That I wouldn't tolerate such things, etc.

Now I don't know. She is taking college classes. We'll see.

She doesn't give anyone a hard time - though - so that is something.

[IronLionZion]

42. silly white people

my Indian parents never charged me rent, but I'm in school and have job. I'd be out in the rain otherwise. They don't tolerate slackers.

[Deja Q]

43. We're not a society or civilization. We are a large land mass of money.

Corporate money.

Don't ever forget that. All Americans need to know the truth of the republican party and, particularly, the neo-cons.

Bettering one's self and working hard are republican ideals I believe in. However, they mix that good message with some of the most despicable ideals and policies I've had the misfortune to read and observe.

I have every right to be disgusted with them, forgive me. I know we need to come together as a country, but not until they remember what a civilized society is all about. I will not blindly support anyone the moment I see what their true motives are. I will not support * until he changes his behavior.

[kixot]

45. That's the way I understood it growing up.

I married a "white" woman and we've talked at length how my parents explained to me how "American" families mistreat each other, steal from one another, throw their elderly in homes, charge their children rent or otherwise neglect them, do drugs, don't wipe right after using the rest room, don't wash right in the shower, etc. My wife kind of confirmed the charging rent part but the rest varies from family to family. Oh, also, black people aren't supposed to know how to keep dogs.

Funny how predjudices instilled as a child can grow to seem silly later in years.

[Rabelais]

47. I always thought it was unconditional love

that parents had for their children of any age.
I can't even comprehend kicking a family member out on the street in this economy, or even if there were plenty of jobs.
I would let any family member stay with me for free regardless of their personality traits, income status, even if they hate me.
Thats what I thought unconditional means.

[HEyHEY]

48. Also - my theory is it's just certain ethnic whiteys

German, English, Irish..etc.
The Italians I know don't pay rent, neither do the French, Chezch and all them folks. I think it's a west/north european thing. Our families are much colder to each other.

[HEyHEY]

49. oh also - my rent was free if I was going to school

which is why I moved home halfway through college