How long should I "Officially Mourn" before dating again,

[Throckmorton]

Poll question: How long should I "Officially Mourn" before dating again,

How long a period of mourning for my late wife should I go through before I begin dating again?

Hard to believe, but 6 months is coming up fast, and the children and I are both doing very well.

[demnan]

1. Well

you could learn to spell "mourn"

otherwise, it's your business, not mine.

[Pithlet]

2. However long you need to

I'm glad to hear that you and the children are doing well. :hug:

[DulceDecorum]

3. When you feel you are ready

But go slow.

[Misunderestimator]

4. My father remarried six months after my mom's death...

I think waiting 6 months to start dating is quite reasonable.

[SOteric]

5. When it feels right and you're comfortable with it.

Don't force yourself to be there any faster, or obligate yourself to be there any longer than you genuinely feel. People grieve at different rates. What was right for me will likely be different for you.

:pals:

[POed_Ex_Repub]

6. As long as you need... Entirely up to you n/t

[LynneSin]

7. as someone who was 14 when her dad passed away

Give it at least a year. You may think the kids are adjusted but it's a tough process to go through. My mother never started dating until 3-4 years later and it was still traumatic for me.

But that doesn't mean you shouldn't go out and start to mingle, but you should give it time. No one wants to get into a relationship where they have to complete with the dead spouse, which is what someone might feel if you start dating too early after the death

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

8. Look to your own soul in the matter

Grief does strange things to us. They (grief counselors) say not to make any major life decisions during the first six months.

If you are ready to get out so that you may feel among the living, talk it over with the kids and get them ready for it.

BTW, I think one can mourn their wife and have companionship...it will take a strong person to avoid comparisons..but please make sure you date someone who respects your space to memorlialize her.

I wish you the best.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

14. "talk it over with the kids"

Great advice...

And while you're waiting to start dating, it doesn't hurt to mingle and get a few ideas about who you'd like to get to know better.

We have a friend who began dating a widow few months after his dear wife passed away. His new love was a friend of the deceased, and a godsend to the family (they had two children) while his wife was ill.

No one, not even his wife's family, blinked an eye when they married and blended their families. Everybody is still thrilled for both of them; and they've been together for over ten years now.

I wish you every happiness...You certainly deserve it. :hug:

[DebinTx]

9. Take your time and break your children in slowly

Maybe just hang out with some women friends at first to get the kids used to seeing you having some fun again.

[MrSandman]

10. Grief can take up to two years...

Doing well at six months is very positive, but the first anniversary of a death of one so close is usually hellacious. The problem with "too soon" can be unrealistic expectations of yourself.

With that in mind, it is about your feelings/thoughts/beliefs.

[sybylla]

20. Agreed

You may feel ready to move on, but there will be times, like that first year mark, the first thanksgiving, the first Valentine's day, the first everything, that will throw you momentarily back into that early hell.

Take it slow and keep it comfortable for you and your family. Six months is okay, but out of fairness to your "date" a year or more before getting serious is probably better.

[Heddi]

11. First, that's up to you. Second, how old are your children?

I only ask because death of a parent affects children differently than you're affected by death of a spouse. Same person, different emotional bonds.

You say you and the kids are feeling well at 6 months. I'm sure you're feeling well regarding the death of your wife (my condolances), and I'm sure you mean your kids are adjusting well to their greif and loss, but have you talked to them about the prospect of dating? Having a 'female friend'? Do you know how 'well' they'd take to that?

And "talking about" emotions are different from "actually doing" emotions. I think that if you were to ask your kids if it was okay if you started dating again, they may say yes. However, their attitude might change once you actually start dating someone again.

Don't move too fast. Remember--they lost their mother. You lost your spouse and I'm not trying to diminish ANYONE's feelings, the fact is that they may see your dating as a 'replacement'. THey may end up resenting you for "getting over mom too quick" or feel that you're trying to force THEM to get over their mother's death quicker than they're ready for.

I'd say give it a year. I'm sure the longing for adult companionship and such is a great need you have. But please be sensitive to your children's needs as well. Believe it or not, it's quite traumatic to find that Daddy's New Friend has been spending the night recently, and no matter how much you try to hide it, they're going to find out. Once a year passes, you'll have gone through the year anniversary of death, the first post-death "birthdays", Christmas, holidays, etc. You may find that as certain times come close (anniversaries, holidays, etc), you're not 'doing well' like you thought you were.

Of course, this is assuming that your children are minors and still living at home. I'd still show the same respect if they were older and living outside the home as well, though.

Don't rush things. When the time is right, you'll know. When the person is right, you'll know. I think the worst thing you can do now is SEEK OUT a long term relationship just for the sake of comfortability, for the sake of "getting back to normal"---but it's not going to be normal. It's not going to be the same. Don't force yourself to do something because you think you should, or because you think it's time. Let time take it's own time and things will work out for you at the time they're supposed to happen.

Best wishes to you and your kids through this difficult time.

ON EDIT:

I don't want to pry into your personal life, however I would suggest that you and your children get counceling, both joint and separate, if you already haven't. If you are in therapy, I would suggest that perhaps you talk to the therapist and have him/her bring up the idea of your dating again, to get their opinions when it's brought up in a germaine way, not Daddy hovering over us asking us and we know he wants us to say "YES! That's Great" when deep down inside we really don't want him to.

I also re-read your question and saw that you said it would be about 10 years until your kids are in college, so I'd assume they're between 7-9. That's very very young. They DEFINITELY do not understand that you, as an adult, have needs like love, companionship, sex, tender touches, etc. They will DEFINITELY see a date as a replacement. Please go slowly with this, and LISTEN to them throughout the process. TALK to them. ASK them how they feel. And above all, do NOT expect them to run lovingly into the arms of every person you date. They will be comparing each and every woman you date to their mother. They will see every flaw she has and probably diminish every positive trait she has as well.

They need their dad right now. As much as you need/want companionship, I think that at this point, the emotional needs of your kids should come first. I have known many people who had a parent who died while they kid was young (under 15) who to this day (in their mid 30's) absolutley HATE their surviving parent for "Getting over it" too soon, dating too soon, marrying too soon, and "getting on with life" too soon. Those wounds run deep, and children can't rationlize situations in the same way that adults can..

Your kids need YOU. YOUR undivided love and attention. Don't short change them by dating just yet. That would be cruel to them and cruel to yourself and cruel to any woman who you expected to live in such a tumultuous relationship.

[BiggJawn]

16. Not right to let the kids "call the shots"

If they're young now, they'll be in their 30's and STILL busting dad's chops over "dissin' Mom's memory" by dating, no matter how long he waits.

If they're adults now, they'll STILL be pissed at their dad.

I've seen it happen. Dad "finds someone" at the nursing home, and the kids are just HORRIFIED that dad's "forgotten their mother" after 10-20 years.

Best to build a strong foundation now, than to let them walk on you the rest of your life.

[Heddi]

18. I don't think the kids should 'call the shots'

but I think that their immaturity towards adult feelings should be taken into consideration.

At this point, they see mom as "mom" and they don't understand the complexity of adult relationships, and that mom was more than just 'dad's wife'. She was his companion, his lover, his confidante, his everything. As any human would, I'm sure that he longs for companionship again, adult conversation, love, sex, lust---all of that is completely natural.

But these kids are (by what I can get from the poster) under the age of 10. Their greif process is much longer and much more complicated (or just as complicated but in a different way) than Dad's is.

By no means should they call the shots, because then he would NEVER date again or get married again.

But I think that to say that the kids are 'doing well" after 6 months may not be a realistic representation of how they really are doing, especially if some other woman suddenly starts acting like mom, living with them, changing things.

it's only been 6 months since the death of their mother. This isn't like a divorce where they can still see mom from time to time. Mom is gone and not coming back. That's a very heavy load for a kid, regardless of age, but even especially hard for a younger child who is just cognitively understanding the permanence of death.

If the kids were 2 adn 4, I would probably say it's not such a big issue because they don't have the cognitive development to understand the permanent state of death, their greif is generally shorter than that of older children.

I think that giving it a little more time for the emotional sake of your children isn't allowing the children to 'walk all over you'. It's called being respectful of their feelings and emotions. Six months is not a long time. Not for those kids. Not for 'getting over' the death of their mother.

they're not emotionally ready to have a replacement. I'm sure that they need their father NOW more than ever, as a father, alone, just him and them NOW because of the fact that their mother was taken away from them. THey need to feel secure. They need to feel loved. Right now, in addition to greiving for their mother, they're having to deal with the very natural fear of loosing their dad. I don't know how their mother died, nor do I think it's germaine to this conversation. But the fact is that she died, and they need their father NOW. Six months may be enough for him to move on, but not for them, and at 6 months if he starts dating again, he *IS* going to be resented by his children.

Not only will they feel that he's "gotten over Mom' or "Replacing Mom" but that THEY aren't as important to him anymore since, of course, when you're dating someone new, you spend alot of time with them, do alot of things with them, and they're going to feel left out physically and emotionally from their father. He needs to focus his engery on THEM NOW. Not someone else.

THEY are the minors in this situation. THEY need HIM to care for them. They are not self-sufficient independent adults. I mean, it would really be a different story if they were 21 and getting up in arms because dad got married a year after Mom died. At that point, I mean, they kind of have to be in control of their own emotions.

But these are little kids who, no matter how much we want them to, CAN NOT see things the same way that an adult would. They CAN NOT comprehend the adult needs that dad has over the pediatric needs that THEY have. They are not emotionally ready for their father to begin dating again, and I think that any child development professional you ask about this would say the same thing.

[BiggJawn]

24. Perhaps talking to a Professional would be in order?

I think that would be better than a generic "Don't date until the kids are older".

I still stick by my thesis, that if the kid's feelings are put ahead of the father's, then the father will never date again.

[Heddi]

25. Definitely a professional is in order.....

and there is a difference between putting their feelings 'ahead' of the father's, and understanding that 10 year olds are developmentally different on a cognative level than a 30 year old is. RESPECTING the difference in their emotional development is all I'm advocating. Understanding that they do not see things as an adult does, that they can not rationalize as an adult does, and don't possess the skills of logic and reasoning as an adult does.

When one becomes a parent, sometimes you have to do things you'd rather not do, or NOT do things you'd rather do for the sake of your children. That's one of the responsibilities of being a parent.

And while no one expects their spouse and parent of their children to die, that is a reality of life. These are CHILDREN. It is cruel to expect them to behave like a 25 year old just because it would be convenient for the sake of the dating scene if they did. THat's just mean. THey didn't ask for their mother to die any more than the OP asked for his wife to die. They didn't ask to be as young as they were when it happened, but THEY ARE and they are not at fault for that.

You keep talking about the kids feelings being before the father's, the kids walking over the father---THEY ARE CHILDREN. They are vunerable children who just lost their mother SIX MONTHS AGO.

I change the opinion I stated earlier. Yes, their feelings SHOULD come before his. They are children and are not capable of being adults in this situation. They are relying on their father to be both father and mother. Friend and counselor. Their dad shouldn't be cutting them off of their feelings so soon. So he's "doing well". Maybe they're not. THeir feelings are JUST as valid as his are in this situation. Their feelings should have JUST as much consideration as his in this situation.

They're kids. Not adults.

[MrSandman]

26. That would be my advice...

Especially if will pick it up. I have been able to help several move through grief. Not to imply it can't be done w/o professional help, but only 5 to 10 sessions can accomplish a lot with a good therapist.

Counselors

[Westegg]

12. I'm truly sorry for your loss. But perhaps the question...

you're asking is not the REAL question? I dunno. I don't know you, the situation, and I ain't no shrink. But I guess I'm picking up on a vibe here? In answer to the question you asked, I'll echo others by saying you'll know when the time is right. Not just for you, but for your kids, others in the extended family---and of course the person you'll be dating.

I wish you much happiness for your future.

Best,

Westegg

[Xithras]

13. How do your children feel about it?

I realize that you have to do your own thing, but some kids react very badly when one parent begins dating after the other dies. Kids don't always think logically and often see it as you're trying to "replace" their mom. Before they will accept your dating, they need to see you as a single parent, and not one of their "pair" of parents. Typically a year is sufficient (they may still complain, but if you do it gradually they should be OK with it).

Also, if you date before a year is up, expect the gossipers to have a field day. It's unfair, but it happens (my aunt started dating four months after my uncle died and was gossiped about incessantly for it...people don't accept that it's "normal" for some people to get over a deceased spouse so quickly).

[BiggJawn]

15. As long as you need.

But I think the neighbours will talk less if you wait a year.

How do your kids feel about it?

people ask me how I feel about my dad dating (Mom's been gone 4 years)

I tell 'em "Hey, he became a Widower, he didn't take no Vow of Hermitage..."

Dad's thinking about getting married again. I'm glad for him!

[GingerSnaps]

17. Do you have kids or nosy In-laws?

If you don't then you can start dating right now. You need to get your mind off of missing your wife and believe me I know what it feels like to be lonely after a death.

You need someone in your life :hug:.

[yellowcanine]

19. It all depends....People are different and circumstances are different.

Sometimes if there is an extended illness some of the mourning occurs before the actual death. Having said that, my sense is that if you are asking the question, you are ready. But your kids may not be so you might want to check it out with them. Best be up front with them about what is going on and make it clear their mother is not being replaced but that adults get lonely and need companionship, etc. A good child psychologist might be a good idea.

[Bossy Monkey]

21. No rules whatsoever, whenever you feel ready

I'm sure the people saying "one year" mean that's how long it would be for them. You know Mrs Throckmorton would want you to be happy; you know better than us when you'd be ready.

It indeed sounds like you're doing well; funny poll.:)

[radwriter0555]

22. It seems to me that a good man needs a good woman. There is no

harm or shame in being available to love again, and, think of the joy you could bring to a woman who has also lost her husband, or who has divorced. She too could need some love.

There is no time limit on loving, no bell goes off. To heck with what anyone thinks, YOUR heart is the most important. Don't let anyone dictate when and where you can now find love, especially if the kids are cool with it.

[Fleshdancer]

23. It wouldn't be fair to put a time on it.

Everyone grieves differently and sometimes having a companion helps certain people with the process.

Take as much or as little time as you need. :hug:

[MrSandman]

27. See post 26

[Maddy McCall]

28. If in your heart you feel like you want to start dating again, then it's

time to start dating again. Only YOU can answer this question. Since you asked it, I am assuming that you are thinking about dating, so you should.

I am sorry about the loss of your wife. One of my father's friends lost his wife and dated and married again within a year of her death. No one thought anything negative about it. He was ready, and he married a very nice woman he had known as friends for a long time.

But you shouldn't let other peoples' opinions influence your decision. When you are ready, you will know it, and THAT will be the right time.

[Skittles]

29. varies for everyone

when you feel ready, get out there; you deserve to be happy

[greatauntoftriplets]

30. When it feels right.

Before you do, talk to the children about it to determine their reactions.

[flamingyouth]

31. Whenever it feels right and you have met the right person

There are no rules, and if someone is so petty as to judge you because of your happiness, well, then to hell with them, I say.

Good luck to you.

[dave123williams]

32. In our tradition...(Jewish)

Shiva lasts for a year...some people take longer, some people take less time - though generally it's considered unseemly to start dating right away.