I have this problem with my mom...(sorry for the vent)

[GoddessOfGuinness]

My dad died 11 years ago the day before her September birthday. Now she becomes depressed right around this time of year, to the point that she can't really seem to enjoy her special day. It was certainly understandable for the first few years; but I can't help feeling that a little grief/bereavement counseling would go a long way now. My mom's a retired psychiatric social worker. I guess that saying about doctors being the worst patients is true in her case.

Today I was trying to make plans to go out to dinner with her and my brother and sister for her upcoming 70th. In the best tradition of freeper-types, they can be very difficult and seem quite devoid of compassion when it comes to arranging these get-togethers. They're always whining about something or other..."It's too far" or "I hate seafood", etc...And god help if she wants to toast my father's memory in their presence.

This birthday was going to be a little tougher on Mom, too. She'd wanted to take a weekend and go whitewater rafting to mark the occasion; and was planning on a visit from her sister in California, which was first postponed to October, then ended up falling through completely. My finances are drained, and I can't afford to take an entire weekend off.

So I suggested to her that we could go to a steak house that's near my brother's, in the interest of friction-avoidance. Her response was, "Oh, don't mess with it..." as her voice started to choke up, "...It's not really my birthday, it's only September."

At this point I told her that I really think she needs to step outside herself and consider what she'd just said the same way she'd listen to one of her patients. Then I said, "Now tell me you wouldn't recommend bereavement counseling...honestly."

Mom said, "I know, but I'm ok...really. I'm just worried about you all." I replied, "Bullshit. You need help and you know it. What are you going to do about it?" It's almost as if she figures it's not worth doing anything about as long as she's not suicidal; and to be honest, it's kind of pissing me off, because she's a professional and should know better.

The conversation gradually got back to dinner arrangements; and she said she really didn't like the steak place; but wanted to try an Italian restaurant I'd once mentioned. So at least she has the opportunity to look forward to her birthday if she chooses to.

Did I cross over the line by telling her I thought she needed counseling? I'm wondering if I should call my aunt in CA, to see if she might be able to convince her to get help...

[alittlelark]

1. Your aunt could help

esp. if the 2 of you are close. Your Mom is in a feedback loop that NEEDS to be broken. Try your aunt first...she probably knows more of your mothers inner workings than you do (just a guess).

[GoddessOfGuinness]

4. She probably does know my mom better.

She's older by several years, and they travel together a lot.

[alittlelark]

5. Have a heart to heart with her

you never know what could come of it!

[miss_kitty]

2. i think it might be hard for her to admit she needs counseling

i mean, i don't know your mom, but maybe she feels a failure for not being able to fix herself, when she feels with her skills, she should be able to. maybe YOU could get some counseling to help you cope with her inability to see and address her own needs...

[GoddessOfGuinness]

3. Doing that already...

Just to keep my mother from analyzing me. ;-)

[Only Me]

6. Honestly, my mother still cries every year at her older brothers

birthday. He was killed in Vietnam. She is also about your mom's age. I would think the sadness is not so alarming if it only happens during this time and she recovers shortly after and goes on with her life. If it happens frequently..I would think like you, some counseling might be in order.
Could she be lonely or possibly dealing with some other personal issues like her health or finances and the September date just
kind of breaks her resolve? I do agree with you and the other
poster the Aunt in CA could really be a big help if she is close to your mom.

[Susang]

7. I think you actually handled it pretty well

You weren't overly harsh, but you were firm. If anything, you at least got her thinking about it. I'd clue your aunt in on what's going on and give the counseling idea you proposed to her a little time to gestate. Let her come to it herself (with a few helpful hints from you and your aunt, of course).

BTW, I know what you mean about doctors being the worst patients..my sister's a shrink and my brother's a surgeon. Do you think they ever see doctors until the problem has gotten serious? :eyes: Good luck!

[seventhson]

8. Counselling can retraumatize people who prefer not to discuss

these things.

So people do not always benefit from counselling.

Also SHE knows whatr she is going through and probably knows better than you what she needs (I am just guessing) based on her won experience/

All you can do is be there foir her and quit buggin her about it.

Go do what SHE wants to do and help her in any way you can to do her whitewater trip.

Making such a big deal about her birthday makes HER feel guilty about feeling grief since it pisses you off so much.

Let her grieve And party too. Celebrate life and toast Dad too - but the bigger deal you make out of it, I suspect, the more depressed you might make her.

You've told her your opinion - now lert HER make up her own mind without pressure.

Just enjoy what time you have with her and keep ot simple. If the sibs are bveiung assholes -- go alone just you and her. The otrhers will probably crash it anyway but at least let HER decide what she wants and don't try to force it.

IU work with a lot of grieving people and that is my 2 cents worth.

Don't worry. Be happy! And hopefully she will to.

Good luck.

[roguevalley]

9. no, you were right to do this. she needs you to be honest and honorable

with her and you were. She's your mom. Its worth the effort. Hugs to you both.

[flordehinojos]

10. I don't know if this would work and it may backfire but you might want to

try it anyhow.

Sometime before your mother's birthday have a get together at your home with her and those members of the family who may want to join you. Tell them that you want to have a memorial to remember your father. Tell them that each should a) write a letter to your father and write whatever comes to their mind and bring the letter to the memorial so that they can read it outloud and share it with those who have gathered to memorialize your father, or b) they can write about their most treasured (or even most hated) memory of your father so that they can share it with those who are gathered to remember your father. Make it sort of a ritual kind of thing. You might want to gather round a meal table and read the letters before you start the meal, you might want each one to light a candle in your father's memory as they read their letters to him or their memories of him ... you can sort of make up your own ritual -- you can let them know that people are allowed to cry, or laugh, or share whatever emotions they bring or whatever emotions grabs them as they share with each other and then at the end you can thank your father for his presence in your life and in your mother's life and in the life of those who have gathered around your table.

Then on the day of your mother's birthday you can again invite all to your home to celebrate in your home the gift of your mother's presence in your lives and you may want to repeat the same sort of having everyone write down for your mother what the presence of her life has meant to them in their lives.

:)

[GoddessOfGuinness]

12. That's an interesting idea...

Though it might be difficult convincing my siblings to do it. Maybe they would if they understood that her method of processing sorrow is to confront it head-on. Unfortunately, they don't like to face their own grief. It's as if they put it in a locked box and buried it deep inside themselves...That's just how they deal with things.

Thanks for that thought. I'll talk with them about it.

[tibbir]

11. Therapy can work wonders (as she knows).

Bereavement counseling is not long-term therapy. Sometimes it just takes a few sessions to get a better perspective on things. I think, as her child and someone who's important to her, that you did a good thing by taking a stand rather than let things continue on as they have been.

My mother refuses to work on some issues she has about my father who died 13 years ago so I know what you're dealing with to a certain extent. I hope your mother can find some peace.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

13. Did your mom go into counseling?

My parents had a rocky relationship; and my dad was occasionally abusive (more emotionally than physically) at one point. That's what inspired my mom to get help for herself years ago; and it eventually led to her getting a degree in social work.

They worked hard to make their marriage better; and eventually were successful. Dad died 3 months before he would have retired. They'd planned to travel after my mom retired a couple of years later. I think his death was particularly hard on her, because they literally went through hell for each other.

Say...Maybe our moms need to get together and chat!

Thanks for your input. :)